nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 20, 2017

    got this rich guy in DTLA 

    he needed to get to a body shop on La Cienega

    it was an Uber Select ride, so i was stoked

    when i put the address into Waze it told me to take the 101

    but i thought, and i told him, shouldn’t we be taking the 10?

    he said, if Waze says the 101 lets do it.

    i thought maybe because of the rain and the sink holes and craziness maybe Waze knew something i didnt know.

    are you ok, i asked, when he told me about the body shop?

    he said, “funny story, my brother is in from out of town and he was gonna rent a car for a few days, i said take my Porsche, it’s a classic but i never use it.

    “so he takes it and as he is about two blocks home he looks over and sees this stunning woman walking down the street and rear ends the car in front of him.”

    i said, i did the same thing when i first moved here from Chicago. the women here are something to get accustomed to. he was all, no kidding.

    we get to where Waze tells us and the guy goes, no, this isn’t it. im like, it’s not? he goes, no its closer to Olympic (we were about 5 miles from Olympic.) i say, my man, I’ll take you wherever you want.

    so we keep going and we’re looking at the sky and its beautiful and he says, when i moved here 20 years ago the air was so terrible. regulations really can make a difference: smog checks, emission standards, fancy gas.

    i said you really dont hear smog jokes about LA any more.

    he was all, no you do not.

    and then we were there.

    $40 on the nose.

  2. my mom loves Larry Wilmore 

    but she doesn’t like swearing, so im not sure how she will feel about this.

    people were giving Bill Maher a lot of crap for having Milo on

    but if theres one great thing about Maher it’s he invites people from all walks

    Ann Coulter gets on there about once a year, so why not this terrible guy.

    actually everyone was great on this panel, the CIA guy, even the other republican guy.

    the worst Maher shows are when it’s all Dems and they all agree all night.

    clearly Fridays wasn’t like that at all

    here’s how the show started.


  3. Sunday, February 19, 2017

    dear tony what do i do 


    First time caller, long time reader. 

    Last month I finally had sex with this beautiful woman after a long break. It was surprisingly wonderful. 

    Every week since then we’ve flirted online, through text, and even by phone. Each weekend I thought we had plans to reunite but she would find an excuse to cancel. I thought she was sincere until today when she told me she was going to get “some ass from Tinder. LOLs”. 

    What happened? What should I do?


    dear fullerton,

    block her number and never talk to her again.

    it doesn’t sound like she felt the same way about your encounter as you do. she probably was hugely disappointed. you probably did everything wrong. but dont feel bad. women are complicated creatures. some want you to pull their hair and call them derogatory names, some want you to pamper them and touch them as softly as a butterfly.

    even if they tell you what they want you can’t trust it. because women are also human. (like you and me). how many times have you wanted a gigantic pizza but when it arrives you eat one little tiny piece and just go to sleep.

    it happens to them too. but with schweens.

    you probably didn’t ring her little bell.

    and if you did it reminded her of someone else. not your fault (probs).

    it’s over. forget about her. be happy you even had contact with her even once. there are some schmucks who won’t get any alllll year. maybe not next year either. life is an acid trip. stay hydrated. avoid mirrors. (and cops)

    if she calls you hang up.

    you might be a total loser, but you’re not someones bitch.

    learn a skill,


  4. Friday, February 17, 2017

    just because youre nice doesnt mean yr not the boss 

    she was all, i want you to do this thing

    i said you should probably change that verb

    to what?

    how about to one where you are begging.

    you mean, tony i beg of you to do this thing?

    i said thats a start in the right direction.

    she said, please tony, im begging?

    i said, keep practicing in that ball park.

    the sad thing about the world is there are very few leaders.

    there are repeaters, and they dont even do that very well

    there are followers, many of whom stray.

    and there are doe eyed believers.

    but leaders, especially those who know where to go and how to get there

    are few and diminishing.

    for some reason she wants to tell me what to do in my house and in my bed


    gigantic mistake.

    and proof she has been lusting the wrong white boys.

    brothers dont play that game.

    other day i was driving through a bad part of town. but crazy me, i forgot i was driving a benz.

    young dude, looked to be have hispanic half black, skinny, hungry, wild eyed

    he was sitting at the bus stop then he jumped up when he saw me not flinch when our eyes met

    the light was red and he approached my rolled up window. he tapped.

    i rolled it down a smidge.

    “whats your name” he asked and yanked the door handle

    knife glistening in his sweaty waistband.

    Death i said. meant it, and drove away.

  5. Wednesday, February 15, 2017

    this was my dinner 

    ended up in west LA around 7:22pm

    traffic was crazy everywhere. on the freeways off the freeways.

    i was starving heading south on Bundy. really wanted to go to Pico but traffic was gridlocked.

    so i settled on the Taco Bell on Pico and Bundy near the Amherst House.

    so glad i did because i tried the Naked Chili Chalupa box.

    a boneless fried breast of chicken folded to be the taco shell! and then taco fixings inside of it.

    plus you get a Dorito beef taco and a regular crunchy beef taco.

    and a bottle of water because im healthy.

    $5.44 after taxes

    took me forever to get onto the 10 heading east to usc

    so i took the 405 to the marina freeway to slauson for a cruise thru the hood

    i ate all three of those “tacos” fast.

    700 calories, messy, slimy, crunchy, miraculous.

    listened to tom petty interview andrew oldham about driving the stones around the US in the early 60s

    before they had broken thru

    and wished i had ordered two.

  6. Tuesday, February 14, 2017

    do i believe in love? 

    of course.

    you dont have to have a boo to be into the magical force that binds us all

    i havent had a girlfriend in a few years for a number of reasons

    most of which i cannot reveal here because nothing in here is true.

    so what happens is every now and then i will get a tap on my window

    or my doorbell will ring a ding ding

    and i will put on my housecoat and flick on the porch light

    and i will see a flowing gown in the distance running away

    and hear a delightful giggle

    and later screeching tires

    i’ll look down on the welcome mat and see a gift box or two

    smelling of perfume and lust.

    inside might be chocolates spiked with molly

    or bananas dipped in butterscotch

    or a nice little bottle of rum

    and two shot glasses that say




    every blue moon one of the courageous ones will stand pat at the door twirling her hair peeping through the peep hole for a sign of light

    and i’ll open the door and invite her in

    one thing will lead to another and there will be dancing

    and laughing

    maybe some merriment

    followed by surprising disappointment.

    a chopper will arrive and swoop her away

    little red Bougainvillea blossoms swirling in the courtyard

    and much later a text begging for a selfie

    which is always obliged.

    so yes i know i get used.

    but thats better than

    a lonely trip to the apple pan.

  7. Monday, February 13, 2017

    leaky worse than the oroville dam 

    they say that people don’t trust the media right now and i say thats fake news.

    people know that fox news and breitbart and bill oreilly and rush limbaugh and all that is bullshit.

    they just like to be stroked every now and then.

    it must be seriously hard to be told every day that you support a racist lying fascist not-really billionaire and you were an imbecile for voting for him.

    so instead you watch the fiction station like it was pro wrestling and after a while you get into it.

    whats weird about living right now is i only know of one tv station that isn’t demolishing the president of the united states at every chance possible.

    bush cheney was a fucking nightmare but they weren’t barraged like whats happening to trump.

    for some reason the press held back to their nonsense. they lied right to our faces like we’re being lied to now, but maybe it’s the frequency of todays bullshit that made the press say oh hell no.

    maybe its the fact that they were shocked that they didn’t predict his popularity. no one likes to feel dumb. not even the press. how could this walking Id just waltz into the most cherished position in the world and wipe his ass with it without nary a one member of the critical press shouting MALARKEY from the highest rooftop?

    but now they are shouting. and shit is starting to crumble. and it is beautiful. and the fake news can hit its audience over the head with a folding chair but the jig is up. the white house is in bed with the russians and the first traitor was outted today. weirdly not because he was a dirty lying bastard, but because he omg embarrassed the vice president.

    its like the mafia. they were never busted for murder or gambling or rum running, it was always for not paying taxes on their ill begotten gains.

    todays double agents will be canned for making the  former talk show host who as governor believed in electrocuting gay people LOOK BAD

    the vp would be smart to keep the prying eyes of the press away from his dirty laundry because something tells me theres something in there so funky, and it’s the reason the GOP hand picked him to be an impeachment away from the oval, and it isn’t his genius ideas about taxes.

  8. Sunday, February 12, 2017

    hello from the other side 

    i ran into some racism growing up in the sticks outside of Chicago but thats not why i flew to LA the day after high school graduation.

    i came here for the weather and the pretty girls and a fresh start.

    they say you are capable of completely changing every seven years and they say that lots of people do it.

    even though i was popular in school and had lots of good friends, i knew from visiting california in the summers that there was something here that was me that would be very difficult to fulfill in the midwest.

    there is a drive here. a spirit of creativity, acceptance, freedom.

    now 33 years removed it shocks me sometimes to read the things i do on facebook from the people i went to high school with.

    the racism is out of control, not to mention the fear and hate and absolute close mindedness.

    where did it come from? why does it fester?

    we see it so clearly in and around St Louis and gradually now in Wisconsin and Indiana but Sweet Home Chicago?

    and why isn’t it here? i know in the 70s and 80s the gangs in South Central were serious business, all based on race

    but maybe that was just a totally different thing.

    of course theres racism here too but it’s more “i will Not buy a house in Inglewood, Mandy.”

    not “omg please don’t ask me to take yoga from Jamaal again.”

    i think the secret might be in the stirring of the pot.

    in the midwest everyone pretty much stays in the same neighborhoods and area codes.

    in the west people are moving in, moving out, swirling and mixing.

    especially when you’re young, if you meet a group of people and you call women “girls” or “gals” or “bitches” thinking you’re funny you will get pushback reminding you that you are not funny and if you wish to be funny, make some, you know jokes. real jokes.

    but if you grew up with a crowd and you say dumb shit, they’ll let it slide because thats how the tribe survives – you can’t eat your own, you adapt TO THEM not to the whole wide world.

    but in the swirling pot of the west you have to adapt to the whole wide world because you want to get along with your neighbor, your boss, your new friends, and that hot babe across the table from you who is from a totally different country entirely.

    and so you learn that certain words are unacceptable, but better, that certain ways of thought will stop you from getting laid.


    if you wanna be some narrowminded racist sexist modern day archie bunker AND get laid, you might be able to find a small portion of hot babes who will tolerate that sort of nonsense but the world will not be your oyster.

    because the world, in general, does know the deal.

    and the deal is racism and being a fucking dumbshit is for another time

    and another place.

    namely the past and not here.

    here is the place where new ideas sprout up and solve old problems.

    here is the place where i want to swirl the best of what ive got

    with the best of what youve got and i dont mean surfacey bullshit things

    but things pertaining to the soul

    as a starting point.

    when i get depressed it is when i start thinking that i have not lived up to the great potential that i dove into when i moved here

    and im not living up to what i am capable of.

    i know i am no longer slacker from the sticks.

    and it’s liberating to know there is nothing here to hold me back

    but it’s also frightening because then why are you still back.

    why arent you front.

    why am i not front.

    leading the way.

    or even close to the light.

    and thats when i appreciate the supportive words of the enlightened who say

    your concepts about front back darkness and light

    are old

    and wrong.

    do better.

    which is what i almost always need to hear.

  9. Friday, February 10, 2017