nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 1, 2015

    when you drive the rich to their homes in the palisades at night 

    planet terror

    and you overhear their conversations and the things that are important to them

    it makes you think, would i be any different if i was in their shoes?

    would i care about getting 5% more off new tenants than old tenants?

    would i care about the new jet that goes from miami to LA on the 7am flight.

    and how the old jet was better?

    last night i had the perfect odd couple. two neighbors who had been eating in the 90210.

    dudes. a little older than me in age but total dads. rich dads.

    the one was all about business and control. he questioned everything my GPS was suggesting.

    the other only wanted to talk about his kid in little league.

    i drove them to huge homes.

    christmas lights were all over the neighborhood already.

    really really nice ones.

    priorities are everything.

    im glad you’re mine.

    and by you, i mean freedom.

  2. Monday, November 30, 2015

    today is flagrant disregards birthday, is she even alive? 

    interview with a modelit should be no surprise to any one who read this blog during its hey day that i still love and miss one flagrant disregard

    aka splink

    an anorexic ex model who was also an artist and fantastic blogger.

    she was so private and freaked out that she would often delete posts and edit posts and over edit and over think but when she wrote it was right on the money like all the time.

    she had a mysterious life of wealth and glamour and sadness and sadness and sickness.

    was she even real? was it all a dream? or worse: a catfish?

    she had a twitter for a while. she had a following. did she have an instagram? probs not. those were the olden days when ma would have to run out to the crank and the billy goat had to get strapped in before the internet would be able to get to the house. those were the days of blogger pro which meant you didnt know if your shit would get published when you hit publish. youd have to say a lil prayer. youd have to save your stuff offline first. you had to hope hope hope itd stay. the kids now nothing about that now.

    they also dont know about the blogosphere. which is what provided an environment for people like flagrant and danielle and me and you and him and her and them. facebook doesnt let you really write. not like in a blog. and i know the kids wanna write. who doesnt wanna write. the cavemen didnt wanna just instagram.

    i hope flagrant is still around. i hope shes alive. i hope shes lurking. once upon a time i saved a whole bunch of her posts and printed them out and stapled them together and put them in a box just so the next generation of humanoids would know what she was like in case the internet disappeared.

    she did the meanest thing. she made it so the Wayback Machine couldnt find her. she did the second meanest thing. she didnt give me an exit interview. but she did the sweetest thing: she wrote from her heart for years. so sad it self destructed at the end of the message.

  3. today is danielle’s birthday, shes 24 


    the reason i believe in the Lord is because i was very depressed working at E! and the good Lord literally brought an angel to me.

    from the very first time that we met we totally hit it off.

    she was the most bubbly, alive person in the whole joint.

    she made everything fun, even though none of it was fun


    her real job was to figure out with me how we were going to get her shows into the post production rooms

    and in the studio.

    so many of the people who i had to work with were not very fun because they too were depressed.

    but when it was time for danielle to come down and work on the schedule it was a joy.

    such a joy that we would have lunch almost every day and have beautiful photoshoots


    every now and then we would venture to my house for some reason

    perhaps it was because she wanted some after-work Thai food

    maybe it was so we could just get as far away from work as possible

    and try new props for our shoots.


    who knows, who cares. all i know is many of the pictures ended up on this blog and you all loved her as much as i did

    and still do.

    she is the only reason to visit san dieger. shes the only reason that boring place is still in the USA

    i cant believe its been 24 years since shes moved down there.

    in a perfect world shed move back up here and live next door to me and all will be well in the world again

    but life doesnt spin that way. right now shes being an angel where its most needed.

    so we should be grateful for the beautiful times we had together.

    happy birthday danielle!!

  4. Sunday, November 29, 2015

    why howard stern should quietly retire at the end of this month 

    beth sternonce upon a time there was a man named howard stern

    who, unquestionably, was the most interesting and successful radio performer in the history of the medium.

    he was number one in the usa for decades on terrestrial radio

    and then he moved over to satellite radio when less than 1 million people subscribed

    and now close to 30 million people pay for the radio service

    his station is the most listened-to channel on the network

    but he is unhappy, and he has been unhappy for most of his life.

    his movie Private Parts, which he starred in, humorously showed his struggle to the top: bosses who didn’t understand him, rivals, the government – but since then he has had a divorce, a sidekick who attempted suicide, another who got and then beat cancer,

    and an awkward stint as a judge on an nbc talent show.

    he’s been with his basically perfect model/wife for over 10 years, his show regularly breaks news with it’s one-of-a-kind censor-and-commercial free one-hour plus celebrity interviews, one of his long-time guests Donald Trump is the front runner for the Republican nomination for president

    but howard stern is unhappy.

    this is a man who works, on average 7 days a week.

    often he will work a week or two, take a week off

    note: his work weeks are three days.

    and he is unhappy.

    most reports say he gets paid $100 million a year, a number he automatically denies, but no other number has surfaced.

    and he is unhappy.

    howard and bethA-list celebrities like Jennifer Anniston invite him to parties, the most talented late night host (Jimmy Kimmel) considers him an idol and one of Howard’s closest friends, and his unmatched ability to make stars of The Unlikely continues to roll on.

    but he is still unsatisfied, so i say he should just quit.

    i love him, i want the best for him,

    but he’s done it all, said it all, and maybe said too much because we know how unhappy he is.

    howard says he hates traveling, so he should just sit around his compound in florida, and stare at the wall.

    he should have sex with his pretty wife, paint, and eat at Nobu.

    if he gets sick of it in a couple of years it would be one of the most celebrated comebacks ever.

    but for now he should say nothing until the final show

    and then on that show have billy joel play as he tells robin how great it all was

    and then he should reach into a bucket and give bababooey $5 million for putting up with his nonsense

    for all of those years

    and then Artie should roll a red carpet in through the studio

    and then Jackie should walk down the carpet while tossing rose petals

    and then one after another, lesbians of all shapes and sizes

    should walk down the carpet, in various states of undress,

    and when they reach the end of the carpet, should start making out.

    as Sour Shoes sings a medley of appropriate songs.

    and then howard can go off and try to be happy.

    as he deserves it.

    oh so much.

  5. the day men lost their rights to have guns 

    new and used guns for sale

    once upon a time there was a land that proved that men shouldnt have guns any more.

    they were killing each other and shooting each other and even slapping each other in the face with guns.

    but there was a law that said that they could keep their guns even though it was omg so obvs that they were so stupid with these guns and it caused more danger than safety

    so a very wise judge by the name of Sonny I. LaVista said alright you wanna pretend that because this was a law way back in the beginning of this nation that theres no way the law should be changed even though PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING has changed since that law was written

    including how powerful and easy to use those guns are,

    so i will change the law, slightly.

    women have shown that they too fuck up when it comes to guns,

    but not at all as horribly as men do.

    so only women will be allowed to have guns and if men dont like it too bad.

    “but only criminals will have guns then!” someone yelled from the crowd. it was a man, naturally.

    first of all, STFU, Judge LaVista said, banging on his desk with a gavel.

    then he said, if you are a man and you are caught with a gun, a woman gets to shoot you with as many bullets as are in that gun.

    because only women can touch a gun.


    also, because you’re all crazy, if you want a gun, it will be a lot like the iPhone, you gotta pass a credit check

    and it will have a tracking device on it that will monitor its every move.

    “But that’s an invasion of privacy!” someone else yelled from the crowd. another man, who shouldnt be yelling because no one was talking to him and his privacy will be fine because he cannot have a gun.

    Judge LaVista rose the gavel up high and brought it down once.

    you cant have invasion of privacy on an inanimate object. we are tracking the gun, not the owner. but this will help us figure out, by using the tracking information from a MAN’s phone, if a man has stolen a gun to use it in a crime.

    “we don’t like this at all!” a man shouted.

    then you should have done something about gun control earlier, the judge said and gaveled and said peace out.

    and went home to his wife, who he made sure practiced shooting at the firing range

    which was now Ladies Only

    and totally different than what it used to be

    the end


  6. someone asked me if i was a political junkie 

    ccr at the taco bell in slo

    im not a political junkie. im no a heroin junkie. im not a tv junkie.

    i like things in reasonable amounts.

    i like buffets because you dont have to deal with all of the nonsense. pay your money, sit down, walk over, fill your plate, get sick.


    for a while i was an uber junkie. i wanted to be driving at all times. it was crazy. i was crazy.

    its still in my head. if you ask me when we can hang out, i’ll say sundays because every other day i want to uber.

    this weekend i didnt wanna uber but i did anyways. the roads were empty but so were all of the hotels.

    no one wanted a ride and there were like triple the uber drivers in my regular spots than normal.

    so i drove home and reconsidered things i should be a junkie about.

    drive thrus


  7. Thursday, June 03, 2004 


    i met Zulieka for the first time like 11 years ago.

    heres what she blogged that night:

    Tony Pierce. Deceptively cute at first glance, he notices and reads through subtle indications like a poker player. He is so, so quick but he pretends he’s just sitting there. He is both street smart and worldly. After all, he works for the XBI. Thank You Tony for the breakfast. You forgot to mention that I had hashbrowns too, with tabasco sauce.

    zulieka has not blogged in far too long.

  8. Wednesday, November 25, 2015

    we were in Paris and the little girl was all i’d rather be doing homework in my room 


    i said thats because you dont realize where you are.

    she said we’re in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, Planet Earth, Milky Way DUH

    i said we are in the 18th century, Pareee France.

    theres a little short guy named Napoleon Bonaparte who has a problem. he’s short and balding and has something called the Napoleon Complex which is when you can’t dunk like your uncle tony, you can only drain Threes, which is fine but it gets no love on the playgrounds of Nice and Lyon, the girlies love one thing and one thing only BIG OLD MONSTER DUNKS where you hang from the rim afterwards and say WHAT WHAT

    kirsten dunstwhich in french is QUOI! QUOI!

    but alas, in the distance is a beautiful young fille named Kirsten Dunst whose twitter handle is Marie Underscore Antoinette

    they didnt have twitter back then! my niece, pictured, interrupts.

    au contraire, they had little birds that they stuck numbers to. a Zero meant non, and a 1 meant oui.

    Marie was a big fan of Napoleon because she liked to feel tall and thought points in the paint were overrated. so they held hands and were suddenly married.  Napoleon took over much of the world (aka Europe) but bogarted the booty his armies plundered and France was starving avec le Marvin.

    OMG LIKE IN LES MISERABLES? she said. and I pounded my fist on the table and said OUI!

    and someone came to Kirsten Dunst and said, the busblog loves you. and Kirsten said, omg tell the busblog i love him right back times a million.

    a dove was released with the number 1 on its back but napoleon was playing real life Duck Hunt at the time and shot it down.

    Sacre Blue!

    are you almost done with this story uncle tony? the little girl said. and i was but i said HISTORY CANNOT BE RUSHED petite quelque chosewhen he was done hunting napoleon returned to his queen and said while i was out there someone told me that the peasants were starving

    Let them eat cake, Marie Antoinette said.

    THATS NOT TRUE, my otherwise quiet nephew said. That’s from Peabody and Sherman.

    he speaks very quietly so i had to have him repeat it several times, and it turns out that “literally the first words in the film Mr. Peabody and Sherman” used Kirsten’s line and confused the shy lad.

    i assured him that it was my girlfriend who said it thus the Rocky and Bullwinkle spin off recycled the line.

    because they both looked terribly bored i went into great detail about the guillotine and how Marie was killed by the people and Napoleon was sent to LaBastille on  Bastille Day and the French people built the statue of liberty for us

    and i said, do you know what we built for them as a thank you?

    they said no.

    i said, McDonalds.

    and a french mime walked past and threw down his beret in disgust because i was so wrong about so much of the story but i built an invisible box in which he is still trapped and now we are living happily ever after.

  9. i dont think people realize, im very shy 

    the night before

    super true.

    the blogging, the journalisming, the ubering: it’s all ways for me to help me break out of my shell because if i had my way id just move to maui, learn how to mix drinks, and just work at a hotel bar and call it a day.

    why bother with all of this hoo ha?

    but i know that the good lord put me in this place for a reason and it isn’t to take the easy way out and get wrinkly in a tropical paradise and marry a hula girl and be a massive sellout.

    still, it’s a struggle when im at a roulette wheel sipping on my rum n coke and a pretty girl sits a few stools down from me and she smiles. is she a hooker? is she a man? does she have some terrible diseases? does she think i have a wallet full of cash?

    one guy after another sits by her and loses in one way after another and finally after they leave she scootches over to me.

    i like your system she says. shes been watching. of course she has. it’s so simple. bet one chip on black. if you lose, bet two on black. if you lose again bet four on black. if you lose again bet eight on black. eventually it’s gonna be black and when it does, take the winnings and bet one on black again.

    the night beforemeanwhile the rum n cokes keep coming and either the frat boys win big and leave with the girl or they lose and try to woo her anyways but, come on. yr a loser. and just look at her.

    she starts betting along with me. one on black. two on black. four on black, drink.

    she asks me where im from. i tip my cubs hat. she looks confused. i say the c is for canada.

    i think shes from japan, but her english is better than mine. id ask her, but im very shy and i dont wanna be racist. she has sparkly jewelry. i expect her big strong husband to arrive any minute but no one ever comes.

    she says, wanna get out of here?

    i say, whats better than this? free drinks, we’ve hit black like five times in a row, and theres a pretty girl who keeps bumping her knee against mine.

    she apologizes. more drinks come. i tip the waitress for both of ours. she was doing wine, now shes on to cosmos. if i wanted to get drunk id have ordered some shots for us but im still not entirely sure shes not a man.

    after a while she says, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

    i say, what, it’s like 7pm? vegas. prettiest girl in this whole casino? tony pierce, fresh from canada with like 5-6 drinks in him? well, id see the new seth rogen movie.

    she says what movie is that?

    i say, “the night before.”

    she says the night before what?

    i say, i think its the night before Christmas. i think it’s a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she says, id love to see a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she did for about a half hour, and then she fell asleep on my shoulder.

    was probably a man.

  10. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich? 

    sheri's brothel

    Dear Tony,

    I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

    Cubs in 2016!


    dear d’arcy,

    i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

    Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

    so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

    as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.


    the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

    now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

    if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

    i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

    is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

    who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

    Uber on!