hi blog that ive abandoned (not really)

i get conflicted bc being Gen X i’m not supposed to care, im supposed to be a slacker, and i cant remember the other thing bc i dont care

but i do care

however i have this crazy struggle between idealism and what i “SHOULD” be doing

idealism says do whatever you want

SHOULD says you should be doing xyz

so at night when i have gone the day without blogging, New Tony has been saying fuck that shit, watch netflix you pay for it

but Should Tony says, you were doing so well this year, you had a few months where you wrote every day.

but Some Things In This Blog Are True Tony says the reason you cant write is because you dont want to make public all the things you are Actually thinking about and tip toeing around some serious, life changing, emotional parts of your current life is fucking exhausting and ultimately boring, I thought you were the muthafuckin busblog

at its heart is this

life right now is crazy enough i dont wanna lie on this blog even though…

and crazy meaning good. i love my podcast. i was so nervous about making one but after years of seeing idiots do things poorly i figured fuckit, i couldnt be any worse than them.

turns out i am not any worse than they are

in fact i am pleasantly surprised at how well theyve turned out

due in no small part to mr jordan katz

who i could not have done this without and i am so lucky

and who is in store for an excellent hanukkah gift because seriously

there is a huge Evel Knievel Snake River gorge between thinkin up something

and getting it out into the world.

i had been thinking about Hear in LA for years.

Jordan made it happen.

[rock on in yiddish]

 

my problem is i want to be free

 

whatever blood is coursing through my veins from my ancestors

who for hundreds and hundreds of years in this country were slaves

has been yelling at me since i was a kid to be free

and for the last two months that has mean free from this blog too

20 years has been a lot

this year has been a lot

breaking up with amber was a lot

we were joined at the hip for years

and ive been not thriving for years neither, if we are to be honest with each other

ive done a lot of work but what came of it?

i still got one guy who thinks he doesnt ever need to pay me for making miracles for him

i will be paid

and i will thrive

those things will come, have no fear

but ive noticed one thing – when its about me, it gets very uncomfortable

the thing that i love right now, more than i ever expected, is this podcast

this week i did an interview that might end up being the best one

meanwhile tomorrow i need to edit a really long one i did a few weeks ago that jordan

for the first time ever

asked me for help on.

Tonight was unseasonably warm

80s in the day and mid 70s at night

so i walked around at night listening to it and it too is fantastic

and for once i said some things im proud of

i am exhausted, i need this thanksgiving break, im not sure if imma get it because i am working until the end of the year with a non profit that is world wide

so im not sure if they get the holidays off.

but even if they dont imma get a bunch of podcasting done because

its good for the people.

and im bringing it to them

and im excited because without me and jordan

these stories of good people

wouldnt be out in the world

and thats a whole lot better feeling than

whatever the opposite of free is,

 

the great marc canter asks, which miles movie did it best

even though i am a glutton for information

there’s a wildly unexplainable part of me that does not want to know certain things

lets make a list

  • my mothers health ailments
  • my savings account totals
  • what the owners of the cubs intend to do with my favorite players
  • how much better my life would be if i went all vegan
  • how often Sammy Sosa used a corked bat
  • if robert johnson sold his soul to the devil
  • what the kitchens look like of my favorite restaurants
  • what my cats think of me
  • if an actor could totally nail down miles davis

some myths i prefer

i saw miles play at the hollywood bowl when i was brand new to los angeles and

to this day he was the coolest performer ive ever seen

did not give one fuck about what anyone thought about anything

he was there to do his thing

and he did not over do it

it was so perfect and i dont think theres anyone around today even close

unconscious giant walking among us

the closest thing ive seen to it was mr kurdt kobain but it could have been the heroin

nirvana at the forum kurt was just so blaise about everything

like punk bands can just sell out the forum like nbd

but at that point they were also the biggest pop band so they coulda probably done it three nights in a row

a move theyd have done

if they cared.

in the middle of the acoustic set, kurdt is just sitting there on a stool

doing a few songs alone

and this guy throws a shoe at him and it almost hits him

kurdt pretended like it didnt happen

i need to get to that level.

yes it’s punk to throw a shoe at yr idol

but its more punk to not even react.

i have had a lot of good days

five years ago today was one of the best because the Cubs won the world series

a phrase that i still dont really believe but i was in Chicago when it happened.

i went to game 4, then the parade, i saw it all.

and yet still.

if you read this blog closely you’ll see that a lot of it is positive.

i do that because i do tend to obsess over bad things when they happen

and on here i wanna make sure i am also giving focus to the good things

of which there are many.

sunday i took Michael to the Animal Hospital to get the feeding tube out of her neck

the doc said everythings cool.

today i called Spectrum to ask them why my internet keeps going in and out

they told me to call the Router company and i said fine, begungendly

and they fixed it.

had a nice long talk with mom as i got my steps in.

gave a homeless dude a buck.

ate an all vegetable dinner: mashed potatoes, broccoli. beyond sausage. and avocado.

asked a guy to put in a good word for Hear in LA

and got back to blogging.

thats a good day.

the best part was i felt crappy today around 4pm because of the covid booster shot i got yesterday

i cuddled up with Prince and passed out for a whopping 10 minutes

and i felt like a new man.

thanks Lord

i get my annual physical tomorrow.

the kinks is mine

Is there a song that instantly turns you melancholy and maybe brings you back to high school immediately?

Mine is the Kinks’ “Don’t Forget to Dance.”

My senior year of high school my girlfriend moved away and I needed to find a date for prom.

One of my friends had recently broken up with a girl who was pretty but I barely knew her. We went on a date. I think I took her to Rocky III or something.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ask her so I said a little prayer. “Dear God, if the next song on the radio is good, I’ll pull over and ask her to prom.”

It was this Kinks tune and I figured wow, what a *sign* – not only was it a rare good song on the radio but it was about dancing.
I asked her, she said yes, we kissed. But prom with her was bad. Turned out auntie flo arrived and she didn’t know how to tell me because we barely knew each other and she didn’t really feel up to dancing.
So I danced with my friends, all the while thinking of my ex gf who wrote me every day from far away… California.
So any time I ask Alexa to play the Kinks I sorta want her to play this but I sorta don’t.

Today I learned she was in the Miss Illinois competition and the year after our prom she was the Rose Queen

did i teach myself video editing?

one of the things i did when i was sad that i may have killed my beautiful cat

was i got an early edition of the Brothers Steve album

i talked with the boys about the songs

and then i saw this little girl on Reddit dancing next to a bouncy house

and i said, bye jove that’s it!

while finding other videos to go with her

including one second of Andrew WK playing piano

i accidentally found a clip of a one legged Black man who inspired

the notorious LA gang The Crips

to build their Crip Walk around.

it was also nice to put the video of Mick and McCartney in there

because i dont think my mom has seen it.

my favorite part is Andrew WK

but my second favorite part is at the very beginning of the vid i had to teach myself how to make something spin

i found an alternative version of their album cover and placed it over a video of a record playing

then i animated the album cover to spin atop the record

but because that was my first time ever animating anything, it was going counter clockwise

but its hilarious so i kept it

as you see i took a week off

it’s weird to say but that crazy cat threw me off my tracks

i re-evaluated everything. even this blog. everything.

clearly ive decided to keep this as it *does* serve a purpose other than having incredible women fall in love with me.

ive also decided to keep the animals, even though they drive me nuts and force me to feel emotions when i least expect it.

i think i may have also scored a job.

i collect mail on an outlook server so if that doesn’t mean i have a job, then i dont know what does

i still havent signed any paperwork though and after that last experience, who knows whats really going on any more, because now that i think of it, i had an email address over there too.

and an offer letter.

these entire covid years have been a mind fuck

so little makes sense

now i have to try to figure out if i want the johnson and johnson booster or one of the other two

i didnt get sick AT ALL when i took the original J&J and they are now saying that they are the least effective of the others

so if i could take one of the others why wouldnt i?

the question is, when am i ok being out for a day or two if thats the situation.

the only thing ive got going on this weekend is hanging with the boys on sunday so friday might be the day

i am extremely grateful to be working with these people. they are good.

they are do gooders.

i want to do that for the rest of my life.

that is what i was born to do but i got side tracked.

all ive ever wanted was to be a positive force

i hope this is real.

Things have improved

But some things will never go back to normal.

I never cry.

When I do it’s in short spurts. And usually i can control it.

The other night on Hollywood Blvd i was out of my mind. I probably shouldn’t a even been driving. Instinctively i knew that which is why i was not on the 101 but i got off on highland and drove slowly, hoping for stop lights.

At one i truly burst in tears.

Was it because i loved a cat?

Etienne used to try to insult me by mocking how much i loved my old girlfriends, even the ones who didn’t deserve it.

But a cat?

For years Prince was my favorite. Michael was standoffish and extremely cat like. Prince is like a dog.

Why would I be crying over Michael, who only recently has warmed up to me and strangers?

After thinking about this for days it’s because I feel since they live in this extremely safe, contained, small apartment, the only thing that could give them harm

Is me.

Either in what i feed them or drop and they accidentally eat, or not monitor them the brief times they’re outside, or by not getting them checkups on time

Or putting the wrong flea drops on them or somehow contracting fleas

Whatever it is, i am to blame if something goes wrong with them because they’re just innocent animals pretty much confined to the living room of

My apartment.

But it wasn’t shame. I was literally sad. For her.

Like it or not, for 7 years I’ve seen these cats pretty much every day.

I take care of everything that goes in and out of them.

Even during my most busy and trying times I make sure to spend a little quality time with them every day. Both of them. Separately and together.

I used to ask Amber, did you play with the cats today? Because two people have gotta be twice as good.

When I was young I remember accidentally watching some science thing about kids and how kids who aren’t touched or loved or told they’re good end up so fucked up. Stunted growth. All these bad things. So i just figured cats have got to be the same way.

And even dying in the Pet Hospital the nurses all said how friendly Michael was and playful and headbutting them.

She puts her paw up and touches your calf, as to say, pardon, can you pick me up, giant person?

I take credit for that because I’m sorry you do nothing all day, that nothing may as well be loving.

I held Prince extra close that night because of the two, he seems to be the one who eats more questionable things, how has he survived my messy bachelor pad?

Cut him open and it’ll be like a great white shark i bet. Marbles, baseball cards, a flip flop.

Yesterday i got her out of the hospital. Been feeding her though a tube. She looks at the wall, maybe stunned that she’s alive.

But probably just embarrassed that she has a neck brace on, basically, and a tube hanging out of her body.

Image is everything for that chick.