nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 3, 2015

    one of the rules of uber is dont get your hopes up 

    chicagobecause they’ll be dashed.

    today i had very few rides but they were all good

    and then my hands started hurting

    then my arms.

    then it got hot.

    then my legs got tired.

    somehow i put in 100 miles.

    somehow i picked up a cross dresser in a poor part of town and drove her all the way to beverly hills.

    then i took four college girls, all under 21 to the beach, which was jam packed.

    they had never heard of pee-wee’s big adventure.

    why am i on this planet?

    yesterday i had a really long ride with two very cool people who lived in bel air

    we talked about music the whole time because they go to shows a lot

    they were probably in the music biz

    but when im driving uber plus i dont ask any personal questions like “what do you do”

    it never came up.

    they were on their way to see television.

    traffic was bad and we had to take a long way

    so it was $84.

    i got some tacos after that to celebrate.

    im gonna get some sleep tonight so that im ready for tomorrow

    but im not going to get my hopes up

    (secretly theyre as up as they could possibly get because last year fourth of july was the busiest ive ever been)

  2. Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    i have two cats, prince and michael 

    prince is the boy and he is always up and checking things out and investigating. he loves me the most. he kneads my velour robe. he lets me put him in boxes.

    michael is a cat. she keeps her distance. she stands back when prince is eating. shes quick to jump away from something that made a sound. and she sleeps a lot.

    right now prince is looking at the ceiling fan above my bed. hes trying to figure it out even though i tell him it’s magic, just let it be.

    michael is the only one with a collar. prince had one too but he figured out how to get it off. fine.

    even though prince follows me everywhere he isn’t good at tricks. michael is. shes the trick expert. she doesnt even care about the snack because she prefers juicing.

    michael will eat anything, chase anything, climb everywhere, and be the first to put his paw under a closed door and bang on it to demand entrance. he’ll bite at me if i spend too much time trimming his toe nails. and whine the most when he’s put in time out.

    prince is quiet. she even purrs quietly. she doesnt like to be carried around on her back like a baby so i try to carry her on her back like a baby at least once a day. she snorts like she cant breathe on her back.

    pussy, michael purrs when hears that.

  3. Misty Copeland, 32, has become the first black ballerina to lead the ABT 


    Maybe Blacks are taking over this country.


    Misty was born in Kansas City, but that wasn’t held against her.


    She’s appeared in a Diet Dr. Pepper commercial

    and went on tour as a dancer with Prince during his 20Ten tour


    “My fears are that it could be another two decades before another black woman is in the position that I hold with an elite ballet company,” Misty wrote in her autobiography last year.

    “That if I don’t rise to principal, people will feel I have failed them.”

    Well, you have not failed us. So dance my black swan.


  4. Tuesday, June 30, 2015
  5. what do i look for in a wife 


    shes gotta love pop
    shes gotta love television
    shes gotta love movies
    shes gotta think i look good with my shirt off
    shes gotta realize i love a lot of weird and stupid shit
    other than that
    shes gotta be nice nice nice nice
    or no dice

    meanwhile, i will wheel our soda home from the circle k
    cuz deep down im a gentleman

  6. i have a secret phone in my house 

    mako and linda

    hardly anyone knows the number. it’s a landline with no ringer and no answering machine.

    the xbi taught us esp through a series of extremely painful exercises that we were forced to practice all the years that i was in santa barbara.

    that phone is a baby step between esp and an actual phone because in order for it to work someone has to dial it and i have to somehow psychically know that it’s ringing with very few prompts.

    last night our sweet, long lost friend Linda, the former barefoot runaway, former navy submarine pilot, and former utah prison guard was on the other end of the phone and she said “im in hollywood next to the capitol records building, which way to your house?”

    i said follow the north star turn right and then make another right and then an immediate right and i will be the guy in the robe and the cubs hat. it should take you 10 minutes.

    and there she was. with her teenage daughter Mako who has grown up so fast she has already graduated high school and is on her next steps of studying zoology in either san diego, berkley or santa cruz.

    linda at san nic

    they had been at venice beach all day and were sun burned. they asked for aloe lotion but all i had was actual aloe but they refused it. we talked and talked and talked and mako is a delight and they both want to leave utah and move to LA and who can blame them. the only problem is you can buy a house in SLC for $120k and here that will barely buy you a Mercedes Jeep.

    i was shocked (but not surprised) at how smart and wonderful mako is and how funny linda is especially about me sharing with her daughter what a firecracker linda was in college (see photo above) and how fascinating it has been to watch her mature into the greatest police officer and firearms expert in these 50 states.

    linda is burned out though and wants to do something “peaceful and beautiful” which is sad because she would make the greatest private bodyguard for a famous actress because she fears nothing.

    but she doesnt want that. she wants to grow flowers. so i suggested oxnard. and before i could tell her more about that the clock said it was time to go. so they got back into their rental car and drove to LAX where they were staying at a nearby motel and i was so sad that my esp was rusty and i hadnt known about their earlier calls during the weekend, as i would have given them my home and taken them to sushi and a movie.

    next time they said! next time. mako is now on her way to Asia on a peace corps style good will mission for a month and then she will return. hopefully with Linda and we can do this right.

    i am so blessed to have so many top notch friends who have turned into the greatest parents and people.

    how did i get so lucky?

  7. Monday, June 29, 2015
  8. last week showed why you should never kill yrself 

    9EHjU1kso much can happen in just a day, let alone a week.

    unfortunately for politicians and others who like to drag their feet it also shows how lame excuses are.

    when someone wants to make things happen they usually can.

    for some reason i have let my apartment sorta lay dormant in the decorations department.

    did i think i was going to move or something? no.

    i only have one string of christmas lights, hardly and pictures on the walls.

    it’s been years since the xbi tore everything down in an attempt to rattle my cage.

    maybe my cage was rattled.

    we are all sensitive poets to a certain degree.

    we all react weirdly when weird things happen.

    the politicians and justices who grew up 50 years ago when gays pretty much had to stay in the closet and confederate flags flew everywhere they wanted

    probably never thought theyd see this day where equal rights for all really meant equal rights for all

    except for symbols of hate.

    so i sorta understand mike huckabee saying who cares what the supreme court says.

    although thats not the thing youd expect from a presidential candidate or a preacher, especially when the good book says for us to follow the laws of the land.

    and love our neighbor.

    and not to judge.

    but then again maybe huckabee is the lost sheep that we need to shepard over

    and forgive.

    and remind that we are all god’s creatures. every one of us.

    who all deserve love. and are reflections of the Creator.

    and just like we have grown and changed from the mud we once were in Genesis to the men and women we are today, God evolved in his thinking as well in the bible

    and symbolized his new commitment to love us and protect us

    with the rainbow.


  9. Sunday, June 28, 2015

    the ever wise ashley rose once told me that im never satisfied 

    case closed

    at the time she was 19 and i was in my 30s and some of my female friends would judgingly ask me

    what could you two possibly talk about?

    little did they know that we actually talked a lot about everything all the time

    possibly because she was eerily insightful, particularly about the things she obsessed about

    and for that little stretch of time it was me.

    i thought of her last night as i was at the so-called N.W.A reunion

    so-called because Dr. Dre chose not to attend

    which made it an Ice Cube MC Ren DJ Yella reunion, which is nice but come on.

    with Eazy resting in peace you really need Dre there even more and without him there,

    well let’s just say that even with incredible seats, i was a pouty little disappointed man.

    not even three huge beers helped.


    it’s not wrong to want things. or expect what is being advertised.

    but of the surviving members of Niggaz Wit Attitudes,

    Dr. Dre is just as important as Ice Cube

    and the fact that he took what he learned as their DJ and producer

    and parlayed that into a legendary solo record and incredible post- NWA producing efforts

    makes his fans want him to show up with the ganstas who got him there

    that much more.

    bus drinking water

    his buddy snoop dogg was the opener for Ice Cube and MC Ren and Yella

    yes snoop dogg, who probably would NOT be on the stage if it wasnt for Dre

    snoop dogg, dre’s sidekick immediately after leaving the worlds most dangerous group

    Dre’s “The Chronic” is just as much Snoop’s coming out party as it is Dre’s.

    the only person missing was Eminem, and guess what, he doesn’t like to leave the house neither.

    so yes i was disappointed

    just hours after being hugely satisfied and thrilled about marriage equality becoming law.

    it was nice to feel that feeling of satisfaction because it’s nice to know that im capable of it.

    but man was it sad to be let down by and decent rap show at the basketball stadium.

    Ice Cube


    the girls were pretty

    and the cookie tasted good.

  10. Saturday, June 27, 2015

    im seeing N.W.A tonight, snoop dogg and kendrick lamar opening 

    nothing in here

    picked up a pretty girl today while ubering and she wanted to hear hip hop

    one thing led to another we start talking about how Ice Cube is headlining the BET Experience tonight

    and he’s gonna rock out with DJ Yella and MC Ren

    and maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe

    Dr. Dre

    (a dj on the mic, ask what its like its like we getting hyped tonight)


    on one hand its Cube giving it up to the kids who love his music

    but also in a month or two theres gonna be an n.w.a movie coming out

    the one that suge knight was on the set of

    when he got pissed at someone and ran him over with his escalade.

    and will probably get life for murder.

    so why not celebrate the worlds most dangerous group

    in DTLA, killer seats,

    on a saturday night in the


    states of america


    she said im flying to poland and i cant go.

    i was all why are you doing that

    she said im a model and i hardly ever get to go home.

    i said how could i ever thank you

    she said get me to the airport as fast as you can so i can get on the plane.

    she told me the food in LA is terrible

    too salty or two sweet.

    i wanted to tell her about soul food, but she was on a roll.


    ive seen ice cube once, maybe twice

    snoop dogg once

    kendrick once

    and n.w.a never and i love them and they love you right back

    and dr dre better get his black billionaire ass on that stage.