nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, June 15, 2019

    Happy 30th birthday, Bleach 

    30 years ago today Nirvana’s “Bleach” was released, thanks in part to the mysterious figure on the right hand side of the album cover named Jason Everman.

    Listed as the second guitarist of the band, Everman actually never played on the recording that sold nearly 2 million copies. The Alaskan native joined the group in 1989 and toured with them after being in Stonecrow, a band that included drummer Chad Channing, a childhood friend who would also eventually join and subsequently leave Nirvana.

    But back to Bleach… despite the fact that none of his guitar parts were used on the band’s debut LP, Everman loved the album so much that he paid the $606.17 producer Jack Endino billed Nirvana for the 30 hours of recording.

    As a thank you, Kurt Cobain used the now-iconic photo of he and Everman for the cover of Bleach and listed him as a guitarist on the Sub Pop Records album sleeve. That credit would be removed when Geffen re-released the record in the wake of the success of “Nevermind.”

    Everman can be heard in several bootlegs and seen playing with the group during their Rhino Records in-store performance, but he soon left the group and joined Soundgarden briefly as their bassist and appears on “Loudest Love” and “Louder than Love”.

    In 1994 he joined the Army and did tours in Afghanistan and Iraq in the Special Forces.

    So when you rock out to “Negative Creep,” “School,” and “Molly’s Lips” today, as you should, the guitar-work that you don’t hear is coming from that other guy on the Bleach cover not wearing a jean jacket. He is Jason Everman, the war hero who financed one of the greatest records in rock.

  2. Friday, June 14, 2019

    thought i was gonna get called up to the pros this week 

    i was wrong.

    i’ve been wrong a lot this year.

    are my spidey senses outta wack? have i lost my mojo?

    the only place i seem to be connecting with lately is Reddit. everything i post there does well.

    yesterday i went to bed early. woke up. walked around the block and jeanine called.

    she has been off her game too. she lied to me the other day and i caught her in it.

    when you lie to your so called guardian angel (me), you should reevaluate things.

    we all find ourselves with some broken strings on our guitar sometimes.

    normal people get new strings, tune em, and play on.

    but when we are listening to the demons in our head we think,

    is it me? am i the one who is out of tune? did i do something to insult the guitar? did i strum wrong? am i a terrible person?

    no fool, you need some new strings, they’re cheap, get some.

    only humans act this way.

    monkeys always have nice strings.

    i have a gas smell in my kitchen.

    called the gas man.

    hope he comes soon.

  3. Sunday, June 9, 2019

    my mom gets nervous when i dont update this blog 

    and its true, for years i would write 2-3 times a day, youd think that now that im lazing about the house i’d be writing twice as much but what do you say when you are constantly job hunting or working out on your soul and your six pack abs?

    the cubs are doing well, thats all that matters, really.

    this week they signed the closer that they need, an all star who for some reason wasn’t getting signed by anyone this spring. was he asking too much? was he nuts? was he too old at 31? was his agent a dope? if this guy was so good why had no one snatched him up?

    all fascinating questions. the cubs still paid him $43 million for three years. which is in the neighborhood that im looking to earn in my next gig, btw.

    last night i went to bed in not the best shape. i was nervous about the future, something the bible advises against. consider the lilies of the field, it says, they dont have agents, they belong to no unions, they dont have a sinking fastball and still they live great lives because God loves them, so think how much more he loves us, who have amazing changeups and circle curves.

    but i couldnt sleep so i turned my phone on and clicked over to linkedin… maybe there was a job i hadnt noticed that i should apply for. and there it was. right next to the job i am still waiting to hear from. yes at the very bottom they are asking for some space age futuristic things, but the bulk of the job is right up my alley.

    then i couldnt fall asleep for all the right reasons. i had visions of sugar plums dancing through my head. all the ideas came rushing though. color returned to my cheeks. my heart started beating and mama mia was my brain going into overdrive.

    one idea tapdanced in front of another. boom boom boom. and all brilliant ones. then, lurking in the background, arose the greatest of all ideas ever. it’s ambitious, it’s glorious, it would be a game changer, a sweeping force if ever there was one, and this company could pull it off better’n any of them. theyd have to believe in me though.

    but the crazy thing is, it wouldn’t cost much to pull off. i mean they could invest *money* into it, but it’s not necessary. the lilies don’t buy facebook ads and people drive out to the superbloom in droves. this would be a super dooper bloom of love.

    4am, 5am. finally i ate a croissant and drank a glass of juice. another idea. an old one from the past, but with a new hat. oh and another idea. what about this. MY COVER LETTER IS GOING TO BE A NOVELLA!

    so then i thought, should i go in great detail one some of these ideas so they can take a glimpse of my genius, or should i just list the code names of the concepts as teases?

    First in Line
    The Perfect Room
    Disturbing the Piece
    Somebody Walks in LA
    Press Conference, Jr.

    OK enough procrastination. On to the application.

  4. Saturday, June 8, 2019

    heres what i dont wanna be 

    i dont wanna be a sell out loser phony baloney two face nonsense maker

    i dont wanna do things that anyone else can do

    in a fancy cheese store in the south of france i dont wanna be sliced american

    i wanna be brie but not any old cheapass dumbshit hey target has brie? brie.

    i wanna have a little kick to it.

    i want to make that ritz cracker say dude this would be so much better on a baguette

    in a bakery tucked away in nowheresville i wanna be a skinny baguette your true love tucks under their arm

    or puts in a basket on a bike and ring ring as they pedal down the cobblestone

    i wanna be something thats not like the other things but not in a showoff way but in a

    fuck yeah way.

    i’ll probably frighten those prone to being frightened.

    not because im reckless or dangerous or wild or scary.

    but because im free.

    i wanna be me.

  5. Tuesday, June 4, 2019

    the cats are asleep, the girl is asleep 

    it’s 4:06am and I’ve gotta be up at a reasonable hour.

    whoops one of the cats is awake. Prince.

    dry heaving.

    i fed them wet food as a treat because the cubs broke out of their losing streak.

    he probably ate too much, cuz i never give them that.

    id switched over recently from a non name brand to something more moist, let’s say.

    they both loved it.

    amber dared me to get all the crap out of my apartment thats been piling up over 20 years.

    she did not say it in a fairy tale voice, i’ll tell you that.

    so today i began because i have a hard time resisting dares.

    i found my first press pass, my high school ID, and a baseball i got signed by Baba Booey when i interviewed him for the Times. what a good guy.

    i also found my diary from college on a 5 1/4 floppy.

    in order to read it i will have to buy an Apple IIc, which i just may because I would love to know what i wrote.

    i have had a super weird and wonderful life.

    this part right now feels like a free fall.

    but there is this ride at Disney World that they used to call the Twilight Zone. it’s an elevator drop ride. the truest and i rode it like 10 times because it’s amazing.

    you go in an elevator and they dick around for a while then they drop you

    and you think youre gonna die.

    every time you think that’s it, the thing is broken.

    and then Disney steps in and slows it down to a smooth end.

    and you’re so relieved that you didn’t die that you get right back in line and do it again.

    i’m not going to die. nor does it feel like it. maybe this is the dicking around part, who knows.

    but i know how it ends.

    with smiles and relief.

  6. Friday, May 31, 2019

    zero hour nine am 

    there is so much to like about Rocket Man, the sorta musical about Elton John’s life and career

    and very little not to like: perfectly fine acting, singing, visuals

    but something seemed missing.

    maybe because we know how it ends

    maybe because it just seems like the standard old rock and roll story:

    unloved kid succeeds at sex drugs rock. or does he?

    in fictional films theres a lot more at stake, more dynamic highs and lows.

    even at his lowest it seems glamorous and fabulous and luxurious.

    this is exactly my sort of movie: rock bios. and i learned a lot.

    and hats off to Taron Egerton who looked, sounded, and even walked just like Elton.

    one thing that was weird and sort of similar to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody:

    just like how they omitted the story of the inclusion of David Bowie for the hit “Under Pressure,” there was no mention of John’s good friend Princess Diana.


  7. Thursday, May 30, 2019
  8. Tuesday, May 28, 2019

    but can your friends do this 

    saw two movies the last two days that i thought were great: booksmart and aladdin

    booksmart is olivia wilde’s directorial debut and it’s perfect

    aladdin is disney trying to remake the unremakable and like magic they pulled it off

    whats a little bit sad is booksmart is a little bit better than aladdin but in three weeks it’ll probably be pulled from theaters because of everything else coming down the pipeline

    we saw aladdin tonight in a sold out imax theater in burbank and people were clapping and cheering and so was i and when i got home i saw that critics only gave it 57% on rotten tomatoes, while audiences gave it a 94.

    i never want to be that disconnected from my audience. i never want to be so hung up on minor stumbles when what you just accomplished was unasked-for, impossible and sacrilege

    and yet it entertained families of all ages.

    maybe the problem is many of these critics dont see the movies on their own dime in hometown theaters sitting next to the butcher the baker and the cbd maker. sold out 930pm showing on a tuesday. will smith the only name you know on the poster? that right there is something.

    it was bollywood it was hollywood and i probably saw more brown faces the a screen than ever in my life that didnt take place is wakanda. and it was beautiful.

    when i was a kid i was sent to this summer camp in washington dc that really had an affect on my life. when we werent playing sports we were studying the bible or riding fast through the woods in a station wagon with its roof cut off at high speeds by a jesuit priest driver.

    but when we were playing sports it was all trash talk. id never experienced anything like that in the suburbs of illinois. the play by play was a bombardment of insults darted at any and all weakness they could find.

    yo suburbs with the ball. white boy point guard. whattya gonna do. WHITE. BOY. you look scared as shit.

    we were 10.

    these black kids my age from baltimore could do anything with the ball. comfortable in the tiny gym so small that the end walls were barely an inch past the baseline. they had a rule that if you dribbled, planted your foot on the wall (technically out of bounds). lifted off and slammed it home, then it counted.

    their version of dunking.

    i could barely touch the net no matter how you got me up there and half these kids were basically dunking. on you.

    8 hours every day in the muggy, summer heat of DC with these trash talking, aggressive, athletic all stars and you could either completely collapse emotionally, like i saw a bunch of kids do, or level up.

    i began first with language. i knew i wasn’t going to be able to speak how they did without looking like an absolute faker, so i insulted their grammar. constantly. even though i loved it.

    and despite being years behind them on the basketball court, we matched up well in soccer, baseball, tennis and fencing. imagine driving by and seeing 60 black kids fencing in a field. all of us dissing each other behind those masks, seconds away from actually fighting.

    but one thing we all had respect for was attempting the impossible.

    whether it be fighting the biggest, meanest dudes at the end of the day – the brothers made every kid who started a fight during the day, box their foe at the end of the day, in a giant circle that we all made in the gym before the st anthony prayer.

    or making an incredible play on the field,

    or making an amazing move on someone before scoring.

    even if you hated the kid and he was on the other team, if he pulled off something remarkable, you said something like damn g. or ok, money. i dont remember making any friends there. it was us versus everyone all day. but we respected each other.

    once they put us in a van and drove to this public swimming pool. half the kids didnt know how to swim at the beginning of summer, but everyone could swim by the end of it, in part because of all the new insults some of the boys had to endure. a few lanes were set aside just for races. i remember zero parental supervision. just the loudest boy saying something like, yo, get the fuck outta these two lanes. i’m up, who wanna race me for a Now Or Later in the cantina?

    the camp had a snack bar called the cantina, but you had to pay, and a lot of these kids were poor so they were always trying to bet with those of us whose parents had put money in our accounts. it was never a good idea to try to avoid a reasonable wager.

    there were hold your breath underwater competitions, diving contests and cannonball contests. everything was a game. everyone needed to win. miracles happened. just like in life.

    but just like on the field, in the pool if someone did something incredible, even if you hated them, like this fat guy who intentionally did a bellyflop off the high dive, you had to give him props. and we did. and we hated them a little less.

    aladdin pulled off the impossible on the biggest stage and the critics need to say so.

    and yr girl olivia wilde made an instant classic high school comedy

    which is also impossible

    and for that she deserves love.

  9. Monday, May 27, 2019

    tom waits last great record turned 20 years old last month 

    how does time go that fast? i still consider this one of his new records.

    weirdly it was a huge hit without having any hits.

    also how you sell a million records on an album looking like that, sounding the way it does and with it called MULE VARIATIONS?

    it’s proof of a few things that i want to embody for the rest of my days on this crust

    1. tom waits can do no wrong
    2. tom waits is the exception to all the rules
    3. which means we too can be the exception to all rules
    4. there are a million people out there in the world who will pay real money for real art no matter how different it is from everything else, because there are enough people in the world who appreciate artistry and craftsmanship and humor and weirdness and love and death and darkness and light. and those are the people who i am glad to call my friends.
    5. creativity is better than bullshit… every single time.
    6. you dont have to be pretty or dress great or sing like mariah carey or be young and cute to sell records. no you dont.
    7. if you give up on yourself you give up on all the loveliness that people are waiting for you to bring them.

    even though he came across as a throwback when he first came out, he was an original and only got more original as he got older. people talk about voice. i dont think people know what theyre really talking about when they talk about voice but tom waits has a style, an attitude, a come from, a point of view, and for damn sure a unique way of telling a story that is easily imitated but rarely covered. springsteen sang a tom waits song during the born in the usa tour (jersey girl) but tom did it better which is saying something because bruce was at his peak during that time.

    and in many ways waits aged better than bruce, creatively, without having to do this gimmick or that one. we all want to be the big rock star selling out any arena we want.

    but i gotta say, i think id rather be the person who can just be oozing with that mysterious spirit that even the french dont have a word for.


  10. today bill buckner died, he was 69 

    when i was a little kid i got bill buckner’s autograph on my baseball mitt

    dumb move because i used that glove a lot and it quickly smeared off.

    later good ole #22 would agree to sign autographs at this video store near my home

    hardly anyone showed up and i got there just as he was leaving.

    his handler said, sorry kid, shows over.

    and that changed the way i felt about my once favorite Cub.

    then, of course, he let a Mookie Wilson ball roll though his legs when he was playing for Boston in the 1986 world series.

    that made me like him again because it was such a Cub thing to do.

    but most people don’t remember another important ball that billy buck didn’t catch

    in 1974 when Hank Aaron was about to break Babe Ruth’s unbreakable home run record

    it was shaggy headed bill buckner in left field, he then of the Dodgers.

    when the ball sailed over his bushy eyebrows he tried to scale the fence.

    Cubs announcer Len Kasper asked him years later if he was trying to catch the most famous dong

    “No, I wanted to jump into the bullpen and get the ball!” he said of the valuable piece of history.