nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, January 17, 2018

    my man ryan was cruising around when he saw the most spectacular crash 

    he was waiting for his Lyft with his beautiful girlfriend when they heard this car just gunning it down the street

    he saw the headlights and the car didn’t slow down at all as it approached the median

    it hit the curb





    flying over the entire street

    and landing in the second story of the building they were standing near.

    ‘tony i thought i was gonna die!’

    die? why?

    ‘dude every car crash i ever see in tv, the car explodes after a beat. so i grabbed my girl and we booked it about a block away.’

    when the fire dept came and didnt spray the car they walked back to the scene and there was the dude climbing out o the car and hanging by the door.

    “GET BACK INSIDE” my man ryan yelled.

    “FIVE-OH” the kids screamed, alerting the drunk driver that the authorities were arriving.

    dude got out, hung for a minute on his car’s side window, dangled, then finally allowed himself to fall into the flower patch.

    then he ran.

    ryan told me he thought about running after him but his girlfriend said, “no baby. don’t leave me here.”

    so ryan pulled out his Chinese star from his front pocket,

    calculated the wind,

    and right before he let it fly, the police tackled the dude.

    “RYAN!” his girlfriend said, “i thought we had agreed you weren’t going to carry that around any more.”

    he blushed.

    oh yeah. he said, smiling.

  2. Monday, January 15, 2018

    happy mlk day 

    this is a picture of MLK

    and his daughter Yolanda

    in their backyard.

    One of my favorite baseball players was Hank Aaron​ who in his book “I Had a Hammer”

    wrote that when he was a teenager he never dreamt of playing in the Major Leagues

    because at that time Blacks were not allowed to play.

    Hank is still alive

    and a member of the MLB Hall of Fame.

    Which shows you how quickly

    beautiful dreams

    you didn’t even know you had,

    can come true.

    imagine the things today’s teenagers

    can’t even conceive themselves achieving today

    due to a plethora of man-made rules

    rooted in bizarre and old school reasons

    like race or sex or religion.

    And then think how much better life will be

    when we destroy those artificial boundaries that hold tomorrow’s heroes back

    like they’re held back today.

  3. Friday, January 12, 2018
  4. Thursday, January 11, 2018

    today is ashleys birthday, shes omg how old? 

    was she the first person i ever met from the internet?

    i think so.

    life is such a weird and wonderful thing that i dont know what advice id have for my kids if i had them.

    i would say try thing, pray a lot, and learn how to judge people by their hearts.

    we can get distracted a lot by how pretty some people are, or how fancy their cars are, or how well they speak foreign languages

    but one thing they teach you in little league football is “if youre trying to tackle someone, aim at their belly button, dont get faked out by their arms or head or eyes.”

    ashley and i chatted a lot on the now ancient AOL instant messenger and the good thing about that is you can learn a lot about someone simply by their words. hours and hours of words.

    to me thats the same as looking into their hearts, which is why i think people fall in love with writers and authors and poets and songwriters. words are the highways to the soul. and on a thing like AIM it’s hard to fake. nowadays everyone has text messages or snapchats and you could show a picture of your infinity pool or your sixpack and if your emoji game is on point who knows what nonsense you can make others believe you are all about.

    but words on a blank screen, live, while you’re living, that’s pretty much you.

    and so when we met it was, oh yes, hi, oh your accent is funny. oh your eyes are that blue.

    oh you really do wear a cubs hat everywhere.

    ashley is pretty active on the social medias and its nice to see her be such a great mom to her little angel. it’s so nice to see that her family and extended family are just as close and happy as they seemed to be decades ago. it makes me happy because it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person. and today i hope she has a great birthday.

  5. how do you prove you’re creative 

    how do you show someone you’re the one

    how do you say im a great leader but im also good on a team

    what if you show them a goal where its you and four of them

    and they say but wheres your teammates?

    can you say my teammates are in my heart?

    can you say my teammates passed me the puck?

    can you say my teammates are the wind beneath my wings?

    how do you do anything if you think about it so much?

    yogi berra was in this terrible slump and his manager casey stengel was all, yogi do this

    then his teammate mickey mantle said, yo yogi try this

    then his other teammate billy martin said, pizan why arent you doing this?

    so yogi went to the plate and struck out.

    he moped back to the dugout and before anyone could say anything he yelled


    how do you tell them you could always hit

    how do you tell them the luck in your life has always been your great teams

    not your hits?

    and your wins were always shared experiences that you loved loved loved

    which is why youre still friends with everyone.

  6. Wednesday, January 10, 2018

    hi innernet, did you miss me? 

    yeah me neither.

    stopped by my man dave’s pad last night with amber and we were chit chatting for a little. his boys were even more adorable than they are on instagram.

    funniest thing happened though. one of them was laughing at me holding this giant sword. the thing was almost as tall as he is.

    and he was waving it at me laughing.

    then he did the best thing, he started pretending the sword was a rifle.

    i was all, are you shooting me with your sword?

    he laughed harder and shook his head.

    Yes! Pew Pew Pew.

    then the other one goes, now imma shoot you wif my gun!

    and he runs and retrieves this giant Batmobile.

    i say thats not a gun thats a car.

    he says not any more and he clicks a button and two missiles rocket out at me, clipping my arm.

    remind me to get one of those blood packs the next time i visit them to freak them out.

    such sweet kids. so much energy. so many hot wheels.

    as we were leaving they were fighting each other a little. i asked the older one, does your little brother ever win?

    he said, no, he kwhys.

    i said all my ex girlfriends used that technique on me.

    and it works.

  7. Sunday, January 7, 2018

    what do i want in life? 

    i want people to be happy.

    i hear a lot of stories. i dont consider myself a very good listener. but for some reason people want to tell me things.

    i hear a lot about how bad peoples childhoods were. or how bad certain moments were. and those traumatic moments stuck with them in a more dramatic way than their happy moments.

    when i think of my childhood i think about riding my bike anywhere i wanted, being an all-star shortstop with a huge afro, getting walter paytons autograph in the nicest way, playing the saxamaphone and then drums, roller skating, kissing diane and her sister heather at the same party

    swimming, playing tennis, golfing in a giant field, sledding, running, jumping, climbing, reading, listening to the radio

    the only negative thing i can think of is not being able to watch the 1975 all star game because i didnt want to eat my vegetables.

    so when i hear some of the truly messed up stuff that some people tell me it makes me so sad because childhood should not be like that

    but adulthood shouldnt be like that either.

    i hear some stories about that too.

    and im like seriously?

    i dont think it’s that hard to be nice to each other.  even when i am at my most frustrated, i try to find an angle where we can both agree and then work from there.

    the reason i am giving up fighting on the internet with strangers about politics is not that its a waste of time, because i dont think it its

    but i do think that communication is one of humans’ superpowers and i dont think God wants us to use that elusive miracle


    to insult each other.

    i think he wants us to use creativity for cooler goals.

    i’ll let you know how that turns out.

  8. got these girls from american somoa 

    beverly hills. outside of the drug store.

    do you know how expensive everything is around here? they asked.

    i laughed.

    i said, you might be in the most expensive square mile in all of the usa.

    they argued that maui might be right up there too, but they didn’t expect what they just had seen on Rodeo Drive.

    i said, i think of it more as an art project. a game. a huge fakeout ballet.

    we will put these things here and see if someone actually does the thing.

    like when some guy developed a $1,000 iphone app, back when apps were just starting.

    for a grand all it did was show an image of a gem and if you clicked it, these words appeared

    i am rich, i deservd it, i am healthy and successful.

    apple took it down after a day.

    but in that day eight people bought it.

    we drove and i told them about how to ride the bus, where Santee Alley is, and where they should stay in Las Vegas, which was their next destination.

    about half way through the ride i turned the heater on even though it wasnt very cold.

    they thanked me the most for that.

    and tipped me two dollars.

  9. Friday, January 5, 2018

    fakers always quit 

    theres a youtube celebrity jackass named Logan Paul who fell into the trap of

    instead of shining his fleeting light on others

    chose to constantly try to one-up himself by being more and more obnoxious

    and extreme

    than all the other youtube jackasses including his jackass brother.

    he did it by visiting japan and instead of showing his millions of fans

    the beauty and culture and magic of the island

    he instead took a walk inside the Sea of Trees

    otherwise known as the Suicide Forest

    which his cameras caught living up to its name.

    when he posted the deceased hanging from a tree, the internet backlash was quick and sure.

    it roundly called the 20something Paul an asshole

    and he shot a video apologizing and then said he was going to take a little break from posting on youtube.

    which, to me, proves that he is a faker.

    a real youtube star never abandons his post.

    did Tolstoy stop writing novels when his life got hard?

    did Woody Allen stop making films?

    not even death could stop 2Pac from rolling out hits, but Logan Paul,

    the moment he becomes actually interesting


    logs off like a bitch.

    this process that he is going through of wrestling between

    Should I Stop Being A Clown


    When Can I Go Back To Being a Worthless Clown

    if done in a realistic manner, could be beneficial to the viewer and youtuber alike.

    Van Gogh painted through this problems, not because of money money money

    but because he was a painter.

    all of these people who quit doing the thing that they allegedly are omg soooo awesome at

    to me, seem like they were only in it for the money.

    which is the most jackassy thing to be in it for.

  10. Wednesday, January 3, 2018

    the lottery jackpot is a half billion dollars 

    which means it’s time to play, what would you do with the money if you won?

    first id get some new shoes. nothing fancy, just some cream colored pumas with a orange stripe.

    next id like to turn this abandoned building into a Dental Express. Cleanings are $20, examinations are $25, extractions are $50, flossings are $10.  sometimes people just want a good cleaning and don’t want to be pressured in to Full dental care. if they want or need more serious work we’ll tell them to go to a real dentist. will it undercut some real dentists? some. but the clients will mostly be people who are not seeing a dentist at all. and this might get more of them to do just that.

    id also like to start a fleet of ice cream trucks. but it’s only for adults. the truck will come around and in exchange for a nice scoop of something you give the dude a coat or a sweater, which will then go to the needy. or you can give them some bottles of water, bread, fruit, medical supplies. the idea is people would donate more, but you have to make it convenient and it’s always nice if you got a little something in return, like a candy bar or an It’s It.

    next will be a chain of purple motels where everyone has to leave by noon. one day stays. if you wanna stay longer you have to bring your sheets and towels to the next room to the left. yes there may be some rotations happening, but the cost is only $34, after the greatest football player ever, Sweetness.