nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, March 18, 2018

    had a headache for three days, thought, ‘is this brain cancer’? 

    then i thought can you even


    brain cancer?

    i did all the regular things, started drinking water, ate asprin, ate advil, turned down the radio, stopped reading twitter.


    every day id fall asleep with a little headache right there,

    right where it shouldnt be.

    and every morning id wake up and there it was.

    never overwhelming, just there, like a bruise almost.

    back in the day the xbi would do things to our heads, but i realized ive been away from them almost as long as i was ever with them. i dont think they want me any more. i scared em away. plus they hate being blogged about. hate it. and for sure they hate having it displayed on the benz.

    still i thought, did they do something? did something they did way back suddenly fritz? why is this headache just in one small sector? why does it throb for 20 minutes then disappear for an hour?

    why can i suddenly see through walls?

    why can i read her mind


    why can i see between the dots?

    and whats that aroma?




    i got two save the dates in the mail in my box yesterday, and sadly i can’t make either.

  2. Friday, March 16, 2018

    Dear Tony, What is something about you that we wouldn’t believe? 

    something that you wouldnt probably believe is i am extremely shy

    i know i know i know that in real life you might see me out with this one or that one

    but if you notice carefully i dont go to parties, i am never out dancing, i dont wear fancy clothes, i dont go to bars,

    and the only time i throw parties is when i ran LAist some 10 years ago.

    if i won that $420 million lottery jackpot i would be totally content in a nice warm log cabin in the middle of Oregon instead of a penthouse in NYC

    i love people, but the reason i do Uber and put on this outward persona is because i know i need to work at it. i want to get over it.

    because not-so deep down i know i would be America’s happiest hermit if i could be.

    the other day Amber had two days off in a row and i was all what did you do

    and she said NOTHING! and she seemed like she was saying it like she was a loser or something and i was all, baby no way. not leaving the house is one of my favorite activities.

    im glad i was thrown into door to door sales as a kid via Cubs Scouts and Marching Band, im glad i worked at a record store as a teen, and im glad i got to sell on commission while getting through junior college because all of those experiences helped me quiet the voice in my brain that was constantly saying things like

    omg youre weird, see how different you are from everyone, how are you gonna relate to this person, cant you see this couple hates you, why are you even talking!

    i always did poorly in school so that didnt help the voices. i didn’t have much luck with girls until college which also didn’t help. and in truth i AM different than your average person

    which UCSB namely the College of Creative Studies and the world famous Daily Nexus helped me see was a pro not a con. but the old voice in the head has a way of adapting and thinking up new crud to bombard you with.

    but to me the best way to silence the haters is to jump head first into whatever that fear is.

    feel like you wont be accepted by people: talk to as many people as you can, challenge WHY you need to be accepted so badly, and finally stop making everything about yourself and start helping others on their paths.

    i still play the lotteries every week and if i won i would probably buy a big house in the middle of nowhere and do some traveling, but deep down all i want is a nice water bed, a few cold cokes in the fridge and a giant tv with incredible sound.

  3. Thursday, March 15, 2018

    drove a very rich man from west LA to pasadena 

    he knew everyone, everything, and was super cool about it.

    freaked me out at first because as soon as he got in he said, turn off the music, then he made a phone call.

    i knew it was gonna be a long ride but the thought of no music terrified me if he wasn’t gonna talk but nope he loves music, he just wanted my uninterrupted attention.

    i never asked him how he made his millions but if i can find out tons of details about you in 10 minutes, imagine what can be gleaned in an hour and 10.

    what i learned is he donates to arts causes, homeless shelters, womens shelters, and public radio. he is tough but fair. and not only does he give but he knows exactly where the money is going to, where the shelters are – and who are the people running it.

    he told me about the time when he was 40 and his wife won an auction where a famous celebrity chef spent the day shopping and cooking with him for a dinner party for his friends.

    he told me about classical music, Elton John, and jazz at the Hollywood Bowl.

    he complimented me on my driving and told me that he has a regular driver because so many uber guys “speed up, change lanes, honk, and have foul mouths.”

    fuck them, i joked.

    his fare was $94, I got $64 and when i picked up amber i surprised her with a bowl of her favorite soup and she literally cried.

    back to the old guy. when i asked him why he was going from west LA to pasadena in the middle of rush hour, he said, “my wife and I have been married 47 years. since i am interested in making it 48 years, when she says, we are going to this thing in pasadena at 8pm, i make sure i am there, and on time.”

  4. Tuesday, March 13, 2018

    we had hot n juicy last night 

    amber was all, fuck these gloves

    lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

    so we took off the plastic protectors

    spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

    we slid our sodas aside

    and she dug in

    i shoved my face right in there

    people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

    motown was playing

    eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

    they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink


    of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

    without having to go into a stinky litrene


    and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

    hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target

  5. Sunday, March 11, 2018

    daylights savings fucked me up today 

    both my tax lady and i canceled on each other

    couldnt sleep.

    felt like a batter who just couldnt get around on it.

    but then i saw on twitter that tiger woods was trending.

    dudes back.

    second to last hole he needed to gain some ground on the leader

    he smacks this huge driver.

    then gets on the green from 220.

    and somehow sinks a 19 foot putt uphill with a curve.

    this weekend wrinkle in time was #2 in the box office behind black panther

    it’s the first time two black directors were 1-2 in the box office in the usa

    im starting to think we can do anything.

  6. Thursday, March 8, 2018

    there were awards, and everyone won 

    heres the funny thing about me and this blog. i hate telling stories about the recent past.

    i dont ever want to have to relive what i just did, even if what happened was great, and successful, and beautiful and awe inspiring and weird and blah blah blah

    i just dont wanna rehash it.

    but yes i was able to get amber in and my brother and his girlfriend and theres pictures somewhere

    and all the people won and all the people lost and dresses and tuxes and

    i had sore feet like halfway through it but i persisted and i was exhausted for three days straight

    maybe because im old maybe because 40,000 steps in two days is tiring and maybe because i shoulda worn sneakers.

    and if i am lucky enough to have another all access pass maybe i will spend more time in the diamond lane of the red carpet and a little time in the bleachers and a tad more time at oscar orchestra rehearsals and i will go to the Oscar Concert and i will get a tad more sleep.

    other than that all was perfect and maybe the best was drinking a rum n coke in the hotel bar at midnight with amber stretched out in a corner looking at each other saying

    holy fuck did that really happen.

  7. Saturday, March 3, 2018

    it’s Oscar Saturday, so let’s Ask Tony 

    Oskar asks: what will you be doing this year during the Oscars?

    If you recall, last year I roamed the red carpet, Dolby Theatre and the adjoining Loews Hotel publishing everything cool that I ran into on Snapchat.

    This year I will be doing pretty much the same thing (except with another year of experience under my belt) but on the Academy’s Instagram. Instagram Story to be specific.

    If you aren’t following us already, follow TheAcademy on Instagram and get ready to see all that my All Access pass can provide. I should start the transmission around noonish and end around midnight. God willing.

    What will you see? You will see all the things that you won’t be seeing on TV. So if you want to see it all, tune in to ABC on your TV and have your buddy Tony on your phone or iPad.

    John Smith asks: is it possible to go down to the LA river where they shot the car chase scenes in repo man and grease?

    Yes. But I wouldn’t recommend going down there right now as it has been raining the last few days and that area (just East of DTLA) is flooded and you might screw up your sweet car.

    Tony Kletch asks: Stones or Beatles? 

    I listen to the Stones at least once a week and if a Beatles tune comes on the radio I change it to Ozzy’s Boneyard. With that said, I listen to mostly the Stone’s 70s and 80s era tunes, so maybe my problem is mostly with the British Invasion era 60s stuff. But still, I prefer rock music as compared to pop.

    Mark Johnson asks: Do you support expropriation of land from white farmers to be claimed by the State of South Africa?

    I have the greatest friends. God bless you Mark. I don’t like the expropriation of any thing from any one. HOWEVER I think this is one of those rare moments where you can split the baby. I think instead of taking all the land from the white farmers, only half of it should be taken, and not by the state, but by the native South Afrikans.

    Dougie Gyro asksWill Ohtani be a better hitter or pitcher?

    Hitting MLB pitchers might be the toughest thing in all of sports. However, the Angels want to do this funky 6-man rotation which tells me they aint so confident about his pitching either. I know he’s young. I know he’s Babe Ruth. But I have a feeling they will use him as a SP and DH his first few years but will probably convert him to a long reliever and pinch hitter in years 3-4 when they realize there was only one Babe Ruth and he drank beers with children and ate hot dogs with strippers.

    Michael Katz asks: Is Joe Flacco a elite qb?

    History says nope. And says Jay Cutler should never have been a starter.

    More to come!

  8. Wednesday, February 28, 2018

    dear tony, what do you do about haters? 

    this is an interesting question because if you had asked me this 10, 20, or 30 years ago i would have had a different answer each time.

    at this stage of my life, i say pity them and pray for them because as i look back at those who would have fit in that bucket, most of them, a vast majority were hating

    because they were jealous.

    which is crazy because the things that they were jealous about certainly weren’t my material wealth or runway model good looks or style

    they were jealous about things that they could have had in their lives if they didnt have a gigantic stick up their ass.

    indeed i think most of the haters were sad/mad/jealz because they saw me as an extremely happy person who appeared to enjoy ridiculously good “luck”. and while it is true that i have been genuinely happy for most of my life, it wasn’t luck that did it.  it was values

    including the Golden Rule.

    i think one is happiest when one is helping others and trying to lift others to the place where they want to be.

    when i look back at my biggest accomplishments, it’s not great because i made a million bucks or hooked up with Laker Girls, it’s because i helped good people get to where they were probably gonna get anyway but i was able to help them there quicker.

    and while we did it we had a great time and made some cool art or music or news.

    a lot of sad people are only in it for themselves. they might think that theyre being a good bf/gf, employee or friend, but really their motive is all about them. therefore when Satan creeps around trying to figure out what to whisper in their ear to bum their day, he says things about them “youre fat, youre poor, youre dumb, you keep making the same mistakes, youre sloppy, youre dopey, you’re not creative, you are not even using what you learned in school, everyone hates you” and it works on them because they value Self.

    if Satan tried that baloney around someone who sincerely spends their time in a Supporter role none of that matters. who cares if you’re fat if you’re making others less hungry too. who cares if youre poor if you know that money is a fakeout and you give what you have to others, who cares if they call you dumb if you know the secret to turning someones frown upside down, who cares what they say if you know that smile is on your face for the right reason.

    haters are out there just like rain drops and rush hour traffic. it’s part of the environment and once you live a life of service as opposed to a quest for Self Aggrandizement you will discover your true place in this spiritual slam dance

    and it’s right in the center

    where it’s safest

    and most beautiful.

  9. Monday, February 26, 2018

    while it’s true i read the bible for an hour every sunday 

    it’s also true that i procrastinate my ass off doing it. and i dont know why other than i really don’t like doing things that i have done already and i have read the bible like 4 times now, and it’s not that i know whats going to happen next, i dont, i am always surprised by what is going to happen


    i just dont like being told what to do even if i am the one doing the telling to myself.

    a long time ago, in college, i was reading the bible for college and it hit me like a lightning bolt.

    and when i was done reading the whole thing i said to myself, church is dumb, all i ever did in church was wait for the band to play and wait for the gospel to get read, so

    i will make you a deal, Lord, i will read the bible every Sunday for an hour, with some jazz playing in the background

    and this way i wont have to put on pants, go to church, kneel stand kneel stand shake hands and wait for the sentence to be over.

    but for years now i have been doing almost exactly the same thing with reading the bible.

    when i do it i learn stuff, duh, but the whole process is work. for me.

    last night was no exception. i read, i procrastinated, i read more, i futzed with the laundry, i read more, i got my secret blog rolling, and then i saw Amber was coming home, so i read until she arrived.

    then we snuggled and passed out.

    i need to set a new rule that i dont get to eat until ive read the bible on Sunday MORNING that way my whole day isnt a waste and a burdon with some terrible deadline oppressing me on what is supposed to be the Day of Rest

    A MEN!

  10. Saturday, February 24, 2018

    are cub fans the best people in the world? 


    picked up a dude from brazil. he was in the catching money laundering game.

    no kidding.

    i was all how did Paul Manafort fuck up?

    he was all, he got too close to Trump?


    he’s the biggest mark there ever was.

    dropped him off at the airport, then picked up this vacation expert.

    he was on his way to the far east to scope out a private island

    we got talking about Cuba

    i asked, should i check out Cuba during this pause, so as to see it before it gets ruined?

    dude goes, only thing thats gonna ruin it is when Google lays down fiber

    and all the Cubans leave the streets and go inside and surf the web.

    he said, right now the best part of Cuba are the Cubans… who are outside most of the time