nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, August 13, 2018

    last night we saw Randy Newman at the Bowl 

    it was a perfect night, weatherwise and otherwise

    it was only about 2/3rds full which made things soooo much better

    no huge lines for anything, plenty of room to get around and lots of space in the rows, where we were, in the middle.

    on top of that, we lucked out and got a row that had no one in front of our two seats, so

    leg room for dayssssssss (pictured)

    randy has recorded like five million records in his long and storied career

    this show was supposed to be him, the Hollywood Bowl orchestra, and an all star band

    playing at least one song from each of his albums

    it was so great.

    he played pretty much all my favorite tunes and the orchestra added a lot because his music has always been so cinematic

    even before he started writing music for Pixar and Disney films.

    most of the Bowl events let you bring your own food so i packed lots of salad fixins for her

    and i grabbed some grocery store sushi for myself, and chips and a Mexicoke (pictured)

    it was a really beautiful night out there in Hollywood

    but because i am a sensitive poet i think my nose was affected by all the fires burning around us

    and today im a little sniffley and headachey

    after the show we walked down like 2 miles which was hard on Amber because she had heels on (pictured)

    but the good thing is we got to walk around Hollywood and take pics of all the best thing

    like Ice Cube’s star

    a totally random wall

    and my favorite building in Hollywood that no one has ever gone into because it’s haunted, barren, unlivable

    and full of dead bodies probably

    afterwards we watched John Oliver and passed out

    The End

  2. Friday, August 10, 2018

    never meet your heroes 

    a coworker was offered the opportunity today to interview one of the people who she loves

    but she may not do it because of this bizarre saying “never meet your heroes”.

    i suppose i can understand that sentiment, but as someone who has met quite a few famous people who i admire, i would say

    meet everyone you can. especially those you admire.

    i had the great good fortune of meeting my favorite band, The Replacements, a few times.

    the first encounter was back stage at UCSB’s Rob Gym before their Don’t Tell A Soul tour.

    it was revealing, fascinating, and ultimately not what i expected and a bit of a downer.

    later i would meet Paul Westerberg when he was on a solo tour – and that was much better

    but i would rather have experiences, memories, and interactions that were real than fantasies of what could have been.

    we are on this merry go round for a very short time

    all the nonsense we make up about people because they can play a guitar or because theyre pretty or rich or on tv is so much baloney

    one reason i totally love driving Uber and Lyft is because I think the guy who saved the other guys life by shoving his thumb in the guy’s bullet wound is just as fascinating as the guy who can play bass really fast

    just yesterday i had a lady from Houston who had never driven down Melrose before so I took her that way on the way to The Grove. Just watching her see people on Bird scooters, telling me about how Texans feel about “the Devil’s lettuce” (weed) was as good as saying hi to a famous football player.

    of course i have been star struck, and of course i have had not-so-perfect encounters. but i am so happy that i have had the chance to meet and chat with the likes of Hugh Hefner, Bruce Willis, Perry Farrell, Paul Tollett, Hillary Clinton and so many others.

    i say meet your heroes.

    i say meet everyone.

    i say make tons of people your hero.

    but don’t hassle the Hoff.

  3. Thursday, August 9, 2018

    took amber to see Weezer and the Pixies last night 

    it was great.

    i was nervous we werent gonna go because when i got home she was dead tired and napping.

    i have an interesting relationship with her in that right before i come home she starts napping.

    the cats are the opposite, they nap when im out, but when i get home they pop to life and hug me, take my hat, fetch me my slippers and pack my pipe.

    amber though is snoring and smiling. you can literally see the Zzzzs floating from her pretty face.

    i got home before 7. by 730p she was still in snoozeville and i was getting nervous because twitter told me that the Pixies were scheduled to go on at 8pm. i live more than a half hour from the Fabulous Forum so i was like please wake up please wake up.

    at 7:50p she was up, dressed, had a hot black metal number on, bright red lipstick

    Lyft for some reason knew i was going to the show and gave us a free ride there.

    got this driver who told us he drives 60 hours a week. he rents his car from Lyft and if he can drive that much the car only cost $30 a week. all he has to do is pay for gas which he says is a tank a day. maybe a half a tank, i dont know, my head exploded with the 60 rides thing.

    got to the show and the Pixies, who i thought were about to end, were only in the middle of their set. they were pretty good. amber was surprised that frank black was fat. i was all, girl, bro has been fat since before you were born.

    weezer came out and their set (seen above, pic by DVL) was a tribute to their Happy Days / Buddy Holly video. Then after a few songs the set changed to their “garage” (yes the one I once jammed in with Rivers) , then it changed to a traditional Rock Set.

    then rivers took a Bird scooter through the crowd and sang Amber two songs from a little boat that he later sailed to Catalina.

    true quote from Amber during her favorite tune that Rivers pretty much sang right to her: “this is my favorite concert ever.”

    so i guess she’s happy she rose from her nap.

    oh yeah, they also did Africa by Toto and Weird Al showed up to play his accordian

  4. Wednesday, August 8, 2018

    today we are going to weezer and the pixies 

    last night amber dyed her hair to prepare

    me, i shaved and got a hair cut.

    it was so hot today – like 95 degrees.

    but in my office it was super cold. i have a little space heater. imagine that.

    plus i wore a little hoodie.

    i hardly ever eat at work, just nibble. my life is so boring.

    all amber and i ever do is walk around and say hi to homeless people and then eat tacos.

    thats what we did yesterday.

    i had bought her a bowl of soup at Pho 2000 but still when we got home i was like, let me change into shorts and lets walk to Silver Lake

    you gotta get in your steps.

    you gotta live.

    the more you live the more your body is all hell yeah.

    so keep living, rock stars.

    never die.

  5. Tuesday, August 7, 2018
  6. Monday, August 6, 2018

    fire, fire on the mountain 

    i had a busy weekend. LAist party on Saturday afternoon. UCSB reunion on Sunday.

    drank laughed ate drank ate laughed. it was sorta magical.

    this morning amber woke up early. i dont like it when she does that.

    it wakes me up. then im alone. then i think i should have an Early Morning Girlfriend.

    that would be someone who replaces Amber when she leaves me in the AM.

    this girlfriend would spoon with me, make my breakfast, tell me im wonderful

    and then kiss me goodbye as i get on the bus.

    pretty sure Amber wouldnt go for this, but you never know.

    anyways Orange County is on fire right now.

    pray for them.

  7. Friday, August 3, 2018

    men are from mars, women like penis* 

    biggest problem i have in sensual relationships is when a sobbing young lady spills her guts to me describing her problems

    i give advice.

    i’ll give you advice even if you arent crying.

    hell, i give advice on here to people who arent even seeking advice.

    bottom line: im garbage and should probably be avoided.

    but some have been unable to avoid my charms and end up in a romantic relationship with me and are bombarded with

    if i was you i woulda said this or

    you shoulda done that

    or have you tried this technique

    or in my day we woulda just done it thisaway.

    amber gets so upset when she is trying to confide in me she has thrown phones, books, and even a tire at me out of frustration.

    a long time ago Etienne would say “stop bossing me, busblog” and i didnt fully grasp what her problem was with me but now it is clearer. im terrible.

    if you tell me it hurts when i do this

    im gonna say stop doing that.

    when all they wanted was someone to listen. but i am not a listener. im a fixer. im michael cohen minus the secret recording devices. i am a problem solving machine. i enjoy fixing. i do not enjoy listening and keeping my mouth shut.

    my innards do not work that way. my brain says “this girl you love is in pain, give her the pain relief no matter what it is. be the hero. use your love gun. put a bandaid on the problem. BEGIN THE BEGUINE.”

    but i am told in more ways than one that a beguine is not being ordered. two ears two eyes and no mouth is whats being ordered. back rubs are being ordered. walks on the beach are being requested. scalp scratches. butterfly kisses. viewings of Blackish. uh huhs and oh nos.

    but i am not that robot. i have two turn tables and a microphone. if anything its a maxiphone.

    im gonna die alone.

  8. Thursday, August 2, 2018

    tony, what if someone doesnt like you because of politics 

    gentle reader, i was the only black kid in grade school and junior high.

    the way i look at it, i was lucky that anyone liked me for any reason.

    but weirdly lots of people liked me. so bonus.

    but dont get me wrong, lots of people also didnt like me, for many reasons, some of which are valid.

    for example i am a loud mouth. for another reason, sometimes i omg get things wrong.

    also i was punched a few times for being black. i wouldnt call it beating beat up, we were small kids and they didnt have a lot of strength. if anything it hurt emotionally to hear the n word accompanied with other kids holding me while another kid hit me.

    and of course there was that time when i asked a girl to me my girlfriend in 6th grade and she said no because she said her dad would kill her.

    those experiences and others made me believe the best thing I ever could: who cares if people like you as long as you are being cool to everyone.

    thus i have had zero problems talking politics, the cubs, music, religion, or anything on this blawwwwg, or in life, or in my dreams, because who cares.

    heres who you should care likes you:

    the Lord

    my mom,

    and puppies.

  9. Wednesday, August 1, 2018

    drove a nice gay dude from weho to dtla 

    super fascinating. sat in the front seat. apparently has lots of money and was cool.

    so lets go.

    drove through traffic and he was talking talking talking which was fine with me.

    first he told me about his crazy friends who were buying and selling houses, then he was telling me about how he drives luxury cars too for fun and profit

    but then he started telling me about when he was a paramedic in nyc.

    “back then before GPS we would just park in an alley and sleep. if we heard a call come in like ‘Alex22, Alex22 are you there?’ we would just ignore it until they sent it to another vehicle. but some of those would balk at it. finally dispatch would say ‘Alex22 logging you out of the system in 3 seconds.’ and we would click the radio and say ‘Alex22 responding.'”

    but a lot of times they would nap.

    one day, he told me, they were in an alley and they heard that there were gunshots about two blocks away from them. so he told his partner to drive over to where he heard the sound. his partner was all, “fuck that, lets wait for the cops to get there.”

    he was like, “we are literally 2 minutes away, lets roll, see whats happening, if its the wild west we will speed through but if theres a victim, lets do our DAMN JOB!”

    so they drove and saw this teen boy literally gushing blood. gunshot to the neck.

    my dude jumps out of the ambulance, and sees that every time the teen’s heart pumps, blood squirts out high and far from the wound. so he shoved his hand in the poor guy’s neck and blocks the artery. cops finally come.  they all help him get the guy in the back of the ambulance, they speed to the hospital, the whole time keeping his finger on the hole.

    when they made it to the hospital and got him into the operating room they finally let him get his finger out of that bloody neck and bing bang boom he ended up ok.

    my dude got a note a month later and they said not only did the victim walk out of there, but he had zero brain issues.

    i asked, is that the most heroic thing you ever did?

    he said, it’s way up there.

    but then he tipped me $5, which was heroic for me!

  10. Monday, July 30, 2018

    well my computer has completely died 

    it was with me for 7 long years. it’s seen a ton. i wrote a ton on it. ive traveled with it, slept on it

    and it tried to burn my legs time after time after time.

    so now im torn between spending $1,200 on a used MacBook Pro

    or $800 on refurbished MacBook Air

    i want the Pro. I have a credit card that gives me a year of no interest on Apple purchases.

    but heres the funniest reason i want the 2014 Pro… it has an HDMI output jack

    something i have never needed or asked for, but because i know it exists i desperately want it.

    if anyone ever claims that i am a smart person, please refer them to this post.