nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, February 21, 2018

    the kids are all right 

    decades ago The Who produced a film called The Kids Are All Right about the British band’s run through the ’60s and ’70s

    but right now there are a group of idealistic teenagers in Florida who have had enough with America’s love/hate affair with guns, particularly assault rifles.

    these teens were victims of school shooter who killed 17 of their fellow students. instead of freaking out (which they are also probably doing), they have used that energy to pressure local, state and federal lawmakers to stop accepting bribes from the NRA and start changing the laws so that mentally disturbed people have a harder time getting their hands on weapons and so a kid in Algebra class doesn’t have to live in fear any more for their life.

    naturally Republicans are fighting the kids, which is bizarre. they are claiming that some of these students are actors being fed lines and aren’t earnestly asking for gun control measures, but are being paid by people like George Soros and other liberals.

    the kids have been amazing. they say this has nothing to do with politics. they say it has nothing to do with Trump. what their goal is simply: they want last week’s school massacre to be the Last One.

    they have a tough road ahead of them because even though they filled three Greyhound busses with protesting students, once they arrived at the Florida State House in Tallahassee, the GOP-led state senate refused to even debate gun control.

    “if Congress or no one else wants to do anything about this, so what, because we are going to do something about this,” one of the students said. and you best believe them.

  2. Tuesday, February 20, 2018

    today is kurt cobain’s birthday, he would have been 51 

    when i was driving the Royal Blood bassist from WeHo to DTLA he told me he was gonna be playing at the Forum in a few days.

    I said, oooooh the Forum. I have seen many great shows there.

    he said, like who?

    i said, well The Cars, Manson, Clapton, Weezer, Nirvana, Kiss

    he said, Nirvana? How were they?

    i said, it was for charity and the Butthole Surfers opened. i sat all the way in the back. and they did something that i only saw once with Bob Dylan at the Arlington Theater… Dylan started the show sorta drunk but as it progressed it was obvious that the booze had been replaced with water, and by halftime Dylan had sobered up and was sooooo perfect.

    the same happened with Nirvana. Kurdt seemed spaced out and super chill, but as they settled in the got louder and gnarlier and i dont know if the heroin was wearing off or the weed, but it got better and better.

    they played Teen Spirit like 5th on the playlist. sorta to get it out of the way.

    very punk rock. very “if you were here for the hit you can go home now.”

    i have many things that i am supremely grateful for: namely the women i have had the great good fortune to know in my life, but seeing Nirvana live is way up there. and i take none of it for granted.

  3. Monday, February 19, 2018

    today is presidents day 

    did you send out all your cards?

    the only person who sends me cards for this holiday is my uncle jim.

    jim of course is one of the original xbi agents.

    i know this because i tried to send him R. Crumb’s illustrated “Genesis” for Christmas and amazon told me that no one lived there

    even though it is the same exact address that i get on his cards for fathers day, valentines day, and every other holiday including this very special one.

    we don’t have this day off at work because we are only a few weeks away from the Oscars and this is pretty much the home stretch.

    this year i will be doing the Instagram Story. Last year if you remember i did the Snapchat.

    i will reach about 11x the people that i did last year. so there’s a bit more added pressure but not much because the difference is

    a lot of people or an OMG TON OF PEOPLE

    they’re both the same. and im a pro. and ive been around this race course before. what i am looking for are some insoles to cushion my step because that is the only thing i wish i had done last year: protected my feet. as my dogs were plum wore out, Jethro.

    today its windy. it rained a little last night. all of that is fine. get this bad weather out of the way so we have clear skies and warm temps for the big show.

    everyone got sick these last few weeks. we will all be strong and healthy and wise and prepared for whatever goes down bc Lord knows it probably won’t be weirder than it was last year. and that was weird.

    anyways happy birthday president obama.


  4. amber and i made it facebook official on our way back from vegas 


    that means shes now officially my girlfriend.

    which of course is the kiss of death.

    im old school. i dont believe someone is really your girlfriend unless you say so on facebook.

    she said the last time we were facebook official and then i changed it when we broke up that it was one of the saddest days in her life. she said she cried and cried.

    then on this trip she cried and cried too. but mostly for good reasons. mostly because lana del rey was such an emotional concert.

    her music really can get you if you’re paying attention. pretty girls were laying in the aisles just weeping.

    amber had her head on my shoulder crying too. it was such a beautiful, dreamy, magical show where lana seemed in slow motion the whole time like she was wooing us and hypnotizing the whole place.

    at first we were in the back, fine seats, but one thing you should know about amber is she is addicted to hot tea so that also means she needs to take some pit stops. we had just taken this picture after walking around the inside of the arena to see what there was to see, and she ran to the ladies room because she had dranken like 4 cups of tea on our way to the show and as i waited i poked my head into the curtain to see where we were in relation to the stage.

    and we were directly on the side of the stage and it was so much closer and alas, no one was seated in that section. so when she got out i said, lets sit here for a while and see what happens. what happened was a few people did what we did and no one was stopped from doing it because there was no usher there for some reason and we saw the whole show there and it was beautiful.

    and nice. so very nice. i have had many many many lovely times in vegas.

    feel free to add this one to the list.

  5. Friday, February 16, 2018

    dear tony, what can i do if i can’t change her? 

    dear jean,

    you can’t.

    there’s not even a lot we can do.

    all we can do is our own thing and live as pure as we can.

    keeping in mind others are trying to make it happen too.

    and everyone has a different goal.

    hidden goals.

    my goal right now is to make a spiritual miracle from these words.

    my goal is for the Good Lord to hear my 1, 2, 3 and say

    fine, tony, fine.

    my goal is for my 1, 2, 3 to be real and good and as selfless as can be

    my goal is for peace.

    the right kind of la la la. the good kind. you know it when you see it.

    sometimes i will see it and i will say

    oh, right. yes! YES!

    because i had given up on it.

    because i thought it had fluttered away to either nowhere, or into the hands of darkness.

    but there it is sometimes

    right on the tip of yr tongue.

    so here it is for you.

  6. Thursday, February 15, 2018

    shes a good girl, crazy about elvis 

    so i was all lets get lost

    and as prepared as you think you might be

    theres always something’s you dont account for:

    the traffic on the 405 to the LBC

    that your roku batteries might not be good

    or that you left your lighter on the coffee table.


    if she really is a good girl, she will be all

    i have a lighter.

    and finally you start to see why purses are so valuable.

    amber is from the valley and one thing i will attribute to her birthplace is

    it doesnt matter how your pad is laid out

    or how big the suite is

    she will dump her makeup on the floor (!)

    sit right down on the hardwood or carpet

    and go to town.

    here we are on the 29th floor of a four decade old hotel and as soon as she got out of the shower, there she was bareassed on the purple carpet as if it was no biggie

    maybe it is no biggie

    maybe the indians would have done exactly the same thing if they were transported back in time.

    maybe i am thinking like a small minded fool.

    the other day we drove cheech to his home and on the way he told us about this pho restaurant at caesars thats opened late

    so amber is slipping into the tightest dress ive ever seen

    which means i will either look like her pimp

    or her John

    because all i have is some ripped jeans and a motorhead tshirt.

    but at least i have a lighter.

  7. Wednesday, February 14, 2018

    sometimes oprah sends amber flowers 

    she is a good girl.

    yesterday i met her near Rodeo after work. it is nice to work near each other.

    i was all, today is your birthday, where would you go if this was your last day on Earth?

    she said !!!!

    i said, no, for dinner?

    all through the day i had been conferring with the ladies at work where to take her. some mentioned this fancy restaurant, others suggested another one.

    so i was prepared.

    but i wasnt ready for her answer.

    CHEESECAKE FACTORY she squealed.

    i was all, ok. but what would you eat there?

    she said salad AND CHEESECAKE!

    so we drove over to the Grove and there was a big line of traffic, she said i hate traffic lets get some pho instead. so i drove that way. on the way she said you know what id really love to do right now? shop at the 99 Cent Store. i was all, you really are a dream come true. what do you want there? she said celery. AND CHEESECAKE! so we drove to the one on La Brea and walked around and all was well. and when it was over and she allowed me to pay her $14 bill, she said, ok im done. lets eat.

    then she said, did you know today is Fat Tuesday? i said no. she said what food would be good for that? i said shrimp!

    so we ended up at Seafood Express which is not romantic, def not something id see written about in Oprah’s magazine, and the furthest thing from what the ladies of the office suggested, and trust me when i tell you that they let me have it today at work when i reported back.

    but man the food was good and we got to see the ice skaters do their thing as we dined on soup and spicy garlicness.

    so heres to amber on her birthday and i hope she continues to embrace her true self.

  8. Sunday, February 11, 2018

    they want what you have 

    one of the more fascinating things about my life is at almost every turn

    and i dont say this as a victim, even though it may come across that way,

    but people want what i have.

    and then they ruin it.

    since day one people have told me how to run this blog: what to put on it, what to delete, what to change up

    theyve had plenty of time to make their own blogs. do they do it? nope.

    three times ive been paid money to run other peoples blogs

    each time the blogs i was handed were ok, and i turned them into something way better than ok.

    and then, after i leave, poof theyre gone, after others swore they wanted to improve them.

    but theyre gone.

    it’s almost like living in a house and no one plays the piano, but then i start playing it

    and it sounds beautiful after a while. and all these people gather to listen and applaud.

    then someone else takes the piano, rolls it down the street, and throws it into the grand canyon.

    maybe thats my lot in life. maybe thats what satan and the lord are doing, like im Job

    but instead of giving me warts all over my body and killing my family to see if i crack

    they just give me notes all day and when im not looking try to murder the sand castles i build.

    but the cubs won the world series, haters, i will never crack now.

  9. Saturday, February 10, 2018

    i complimented someone today on their instagram 

    and they said, oh i love yours too.

    and i thought, how could you? it’s terrible. it’s 10% of whats in my heart. it’s nothing. it’s a sell out. it’s me not trying to lose my job(s).

    it’s me trying not to make waves.

    it is the worst thing a 51 year old man could do: pretend like there’s 75 years left.

    on paper im past my prime. how do i know? how many creative people do you know peaked in their 50s?

    sure i could be one of the first ones. sure.

    suuuuuure jan.

    so what do you do if you can’t do the things you could do when you were younger?

    you fucking floor it. you let em have it. you live by example. you rock the casbah. you show em what youve been bottling up inside for so so so long.

    the last thing you do is go the way of the talentless cowards youve been scoffing at your whole life. and yet thats exactly what i have been doing since, hell, sooooo long.

    did i rock during LAist? yes. was it perfect? it was so unperfect that now looking back at it and reading the archives i wince at sooooo much of what i was writing because i was doing it too fast. i had no time to think. i had to run the whole thing, manage the people, set up the thing, market the thing, and yes, try to be the living example of the thing

    so when do you have time to channel The Spirit?

    hardly never.

    and yet it still came.

    you dont need a lot of time. you just need the desire, the trust, and the platform.

    and by trust, i mean no fear.

    it helped so much that my bosses had my back. it meant everything.

    but heres the truth about it all, your most important boss: Love.

    always has your back

    will never laugh at you

    has no idea what Judging is

    and wants you to do all the nutty crazy and beautiful things that are growing inside of you

    and wants you to spray it on the side of the wall like a firehose.

    this dick trickle shit is for the sucker mcs.

  10. Thursday, February 8, 2018

    quincy jones was interviewed the other day by vulture 

    and it was probably the greatest interview of all time because Q has seen it all

    and he’s like 85 now and he doesn’t care any more

    maybe he never cared. but he sure as hell dont care now.

    so he tells us that he thought the Beatles were terrible musicians

    says that Marlon Brando would have sex with anything that moved

    even Richard Pryor and Marvin Gaye.

    he admits that u2 isnt making good music and producers these days

    are only in it for the money.

    but when all the gossip and nonsense was over he talked about how

    Coletrane used to carry around these music theory books

    and how when you aren’t making music for the right reasons

    “God walks out the door”.