nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, July 24, 2016

    tony are you proud of TONY? 

    game of thronesa mysterious stranger at ask lana asks this mysterious question.

    Are you proud of TONY? Notice, I didn’t ask: are you proud of your ACCOMPLISHMENTS, but asked if you’re proud of YOU! Mothers and gods aside; I’m not asking if you are WORTHY of someone’s respect or love or admiration; I’m asking if what you think and feel and believe and how you behave and shit makes YOU proud. Pride doesn’t just come from actions; a lot of it comes from how we THINK; our attitudes, not just our personalities. You can have a great PERSONALITY because you have restraint and know enough not to step on any toes or ruffle any feathers; but!!!!! Attitude is that feeling you have about shit on the INSIDE! Are you proud of THAT? Why or why not?

    no. none.

    pride, like jealousy, is foreign to me and always has been. probably since school when i would write or do something that i thought was spectacular and the teacher would say “meh”. at that point i learned whatever alleged “pride” i had didn’t matter in the formula.

    also theres this: the few times i have achieved great success it was always a team effort. thus the feeling i had was Fortunate, not Pride. i was lucky to have been on the lake park high school marching band drum line. i was sooooo lucky to write at the daily nexus. and likewise i was so lucky to get hired and then get to run LAist with all the great people i got to work with. all of those so called individual awards or stories or poems or actions were learned from my surroundings or inspired by the spirit. my input was minimal other than staying out of the way of imminent greatness.

    when i went to the Times and we were hugely successful, that was a variety of things: an interesting math theory regarding (frequency of posts By talented reporters Plus SEO plus great editing plus timing multiplied by Digg/Reddit). but none of it would have happened if i was not allowed the green light to try it on all of the desks at the paper (luck times patience). the theories derived not from my head but from the total feedback from the Technorati Top 100: boingboing did it, so lets try it. it had little to do with me.

    even when i blog something good on this blog or think about this blog as a whole, pride does not factor in because this is merely an evolution of keeping a diary in school in a wired notebook to creating a web site to then using blogger and now wordpress.

    is the farmer proud when the seed and water and dirt makes a fruit? no, he thanks God and moves on.

    of course there are exceptions. this is the only one i can think of.

    while at UCSB, at the Nexus, i was given an internal award from my peers. they voted me the best arts and entertainment writer of the paper my junior year. i was proud because there were probably 10 other people who could have won that. our paper was stacked. we’d win best in state for that section that next year and the next couple of years.

    so to be voted positively by the people i respected the most meant more to me than when i won state the next year for the whole section.

    because duh we were better than everyone else, but how were we viewed internally: that always fascinated me.

  2. tony are you sure you’re black? 

    two years oldcynical and new busblog reader Lana [Turner??] from naturobetic has many many questions.

    Are you absolutely SURE you’re black? I’m having a hard time buying THAT, too! I saw many pics of you and you only look part black in one. Is your father black or part black? I saw your mother’s pic; she doesn’t look black, either. Were you adopted?

    And does “being” black REALLY give you permission to call people the N word? Or even utter the N word? It was wrong for Paula Deen and it’s wrong for you! Or, do you just wish you were black ’cause it’s cool?

    the great thing about looks is they are deceiving.

    when i was born and until i was in about the third grade i was very light skinned, much like the relatives i had on my fathers side of the family. we think my moms dad is cuban, but he could just be canadian.

    you see, the records of black people, are not as detailed as those of other races because, well… guess.

    my mother and father are really black. they met at a historically black college in Tennessee because believe it or not, but not that long ago blacks were not allowed to go to a lot of colleges – particularly in the south. even if you were light skinned.

    so they went to school, met, fell in love. my dad was the president of his fraternity – a black one. my mom was the star of her sorority (also, black).

    and when they got married and had children they had two little black kids. one was light skinned one was dark skinned.

    like most kids we visited santa in december – long after any summer tan would have worn off and when i was in 1st grade this is what we looked like. she was clearly darker than me. and freaked out by Mr. Claus

    me and my sister and santa

    then just a few years later we saw him again and something miraculous happened

    she was no longer *much* darker than me. also she had chilled.

    keep smiling

    and just look how my afro was starting to really get gorgeous.

    as i got older i got darker. maybe theres a scientific term for it.


    and my afro just got bigger.


    so anyway, yes, black. and yes, the shade of my skin has lightened since high school.

    it’s weird. but real. it’s not a skin disease. i have no blotchy areas.

    but, still, black and beautiful. not adopted.

    and with that, yes, i can use the n word. much as i like.

    and i can travel freely to any part of town.

    plus, when youre light skinned like i am, you can also travel freely to all parts of town.

    nowadays, especially since i shave my head, mexicans think im mexicans

    middle easterners think im from the middle east.

    and people tend to project whatever theyre most comfortable with.

    as someone who enjoys being a reporter, it’s a great blessing.

    is being black “cool”?

    it wasnt when i was a kid

    until i made it cool.

  3. tony why are you shy? 

    lana del reynew busblog reader Lana [del Rey???] from naturobetic has many many questions. and as you will see, the queries cannot be resolved simply with a yes or a no and she asked that i remain as frank as possible. so the next batch of posts will be her questions, unedited, and my responses, for yr ass

    1) Why are you shy (especially in person)? I’ve seen some of your picture; you don’t look like a little kid (anymore). You seem to be at an age where you SHOULD be comfortable in your own skin (so to speak).

    Why are you so fucking reserved? It’s good you have restraint and don’t go off on crazy people like me who dare attack the “world famous” busblog but you not being able to tell people what you really mean or what you really want to say (in person) is odd, given you’re almost 100 fucking years old and should have all the confidence and wisdom in the world by now, so as not to fear their reaction(s)!

    Why damn it…WHYYYYY?????!!!!!????? What’s REALLY stopping you from “opening up?”

    i didnt start off shy. when i was in kindergarten i was seated next to the shiest kid so we would balance each other. i was hyper and bubbly and he was introverted and quietly hilarious. we were best friends throughout school until i moved to sunny california, we are still friends today and will attend a cubs game in a few months.

    we also experienced something that affected me a lot more than it affected him. somewhere in grade school he and i and one other person were considered “gifted”. they put us three in a separate classroom and taught us advanced math and science. we got to work on computers. the pace was much quicker. and while it was great to not be so bored in class, i hated being separated from my other friends.

    before this happened, we had originally been separated by some of our friends because they put is in “the advanced” classes. that was a little easier because those classes had 20+ kids. but i missed my burnout long haired friends and all the others. but being in a class of 3 — it almost felt like we were being punished for something. also i rejected the idea that the rest of my friends were dumb or slow or whatever the powers that be thought.

    so early on i “learned” that to be perceived as smart brought along the exact same results as being perceived as not-smart: isolation, extra work, limited social opportunities, and an unasked for sign over ones head that says Different.

    i was already the only black kid in school. why would i want another reason for people to see that i didnt fit in? kids want to feel like they belong. not that theyre aliens.

    so one of the indirect lessons i learned from my actual shy friend was if you chill out, you wont stand out, and you wont get kicked out. sadly we both fucked up when we took the standardized test and answered all 500 questions perfectly.

    since then i have been reluctant to either give 100%, shine the light super bright, or take off the clark kent glasses because when i do, it can be super annoying for all parties involved.

    wear dumb clothes, dont spell check, and for heavens sake study the one thing no one of any sense really cares about: the good book.

    for some reason im not shy around journalists.

  4. Saturday, July 23, 2016

    keira interviews raymi the minx 

    tony pierce and raymi the minx

    is there any debate that the queen of canadian blogging is, has been

    and probably will forever be Raymi the Minx?

    as you know i am a gigantic fan of canadian blogs, canadian blogging

    so i say that with all much due respect to all the others up there

    shining a light on the great white north.

    but raymi has seriously put it out there.

    and whats fascinating, she hasnt even put it all out there.

    love her or hate her raymi has led by example for the last 16 years

    which has arguably been the best 16 years of blogging.

    today east coast west coast united in love as

    bc’s keira-anne interviews to’s raymi for 20 questions

  5. big in japan 

    french wikipedia tony pierce

    long before their super sweet 80s hit “Forever Young” appeared (beautifully) in “Napoleon Dynamite“,

    the german group Alphaville in 1984 released their debut single

    “Big in Japan”

    a melancholy synth driven curiosity reportedly about two lovers trying to kick heroin.

    I will wait here for my man tonight
    It’s easy when you’re big in Japan

    waiting for the man, a nod for what lou reed was doing on the velvet underground’s debut track two decades previously

    Hey, white boy, what you doin’ uptown?
    Hey, white boy, you chasin’ our women around?
    Oh pardon me sir, it’s the furthest from my mind
    I’m just lookin’ for a dear, dear friend of mine
    I’m waiting for my man

    but really it was about being a loser in your hometown, but it’s ok

    because somewhere

    in a beautifully magical place

    across the sea

    there are people who understand you perfectly and love you

    and there you are godhead.

    the people of france think i was the editor of the daily nexus.

    if only.

    but whatevs, merci.

  6. Friday, July 22, 2016

    today’s os’s birthday, he’s 24 


    born to long time kentuckians on the allegheny river on a river boat in a flood,

    os is building a recording studio on the banks of his shallow end

    and even though this isnt what i said to him when i saw how beautifully it was coming along

    this is what i would like

    i would like all of our friends to record all of their songs in the studio

    and call it the sugarfoot sessions.

    what i said was

    how much do those little water sprinklers cost

    hanging from the ceiling in case something catches fire

    the answer was

    woooo boy.

    id also like the friends to record the songs of other bands

    the bands that cant be with us, but who should be re recorded

    because no one else is gonna do it

    and it would be a shame to let those great tunes

    just fade away.

    when i didnt tell him all of that, his oldest child was playing soccer

    in his baseball uniform.

    technically it was his all star uniform for he was about to play in an all star game.

    i said, you know what people remember the most from their all star games?

    he said what. the boy’s 10 years old. by the way. where does time go?

    i said fights.

    fight em all.

    the inside of that plate is yours.

    lean in and if they plunk you, charge the mound.

    not sure if os agreed but he didnt disagree.


  7. Thursday, July 21, 2016

    hey tony, how havent you gotten married yet? 

    me and etiennedear tony,

    ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,

    ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.

    you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising. 

    you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise. 

    you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.

    you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?

    my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.


    Famous Expert

    dear expert,

    some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.

    i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.

    when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.

    i pay for everything. i give up everything.

    i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.

    but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.

    regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.

    and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.

    do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?


    because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.

    for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.

    for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.

    and then write about some of it

    and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol

    for you.

    and you.

    and them.

    because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage

    and driving to tennis camp.

    and when they see what i have to say

    which is

    none of this is true

    they wont be tempted to do it too.

  8. Wednesday, July 20, 2016

    q: did Lyin Ted live up to his nickname? 

    a: no. his whole damn speech was about Freedom and looking good in the eyes of your daughter who wont kiss you

    and they applauded like monkeys

    until they realized the whole thing was a sneaky little set up.

    for him to say, we all just agreed that freedom was kewl

    now im free to take a shit in your punch bowl.

    god bless me and god bless america.

    before he was Lyin Ted

    he was Douchebag Ted

    which is the Ted he’s always been

    and only a great negotiator like trump

    would invite him to his super sweet 16 without

    a deal.

    50 years from now when theyre teaching kids about the election of the first female president

    i hope they leave out the part where the GOP couldnt stop shooting themselves.

  9. dear tony, no offense but 

    pikachuLana asks, “No offense but, does it make you feel good your blog about nothing gets you jobs and dates and not REAL merit? Just popularity?”

    Firstly my blog is about Everything: sex, drugs, rock, religion, politics, Hollywood, Uber, Lyft, movies, Isla Vista, journalism, blogging, writing, the secretive xbi, doubting, art, magic, and love. You should read it.

    Now, does it make me feel good that it has gotten me jobs? I can’t believe it did get me jobs.

    Not just any jobs but amazing jobs. Jobs I never thought I’d ever get. Jobs so magical a few don’t even exist any more. Low paying jobs, high paying jobs, middle paying jobs.

    All because I clack clack clacked on a keyboard, added an image and hit Publish 15 years ago.

    It makes me feel good because this blog got attention not because i was some long legged long haired curvy young lady with an LA face and an Oakland booty, but because the words i typed connected with people in a special way – which is quite an achievement in this cluttered space called the web.

    No one reached down from Above and said, listen everyone you MUST read the busblog (actually many did) (which also made me feel all warm and loved inside) but most of those people were not hugely influential massive bloggers.

    Some were, which was lovely, but what I am saying is CNN didn’t put me on their homepage week after week with a direct link here and a headline that said OMG TONY YES!

    The so-called popularity that you seem to have an issue with was entirely organic, natural, and beautiful. Which is probably why it sustained for so long.

    Did it make me feel good that lovely ladies from around the world wanted to go on “dates” with me because of the things I wrote?

    No. I wanted them to want me for my body, not my mind.

    Which brings us to “REAL merit”.

    There are only three people who matter to me, merit-wise, in regards to my blogging here on the busblog.

    1. My dear mother
    2. Jesus
    3. All the ladies out there who secretly want me

    If I can warm the hearts of all three of these very important people in my life then that is Real merit to me.

    And let me tell you, trying to hit the center of that Venn diagram is not as easy as it looks. My mom doesn’t like swear words, even though I study the bible regularly I’m still unsure what Jesus would find wonderful in this blog, and I am even more clueless about the third group. So I just try to keep it real and come from a place of Goodness and see what happens.

    With that said we are here to rock. Every car has a gas pedal and a brake. My old sink has a hot And a cold faucet. And as a red blooded American single man I have a ying AND a very much alert yang.

    All of my favorite writers (Bukowski, Twain, Moses, etc) kept it real.

    I feel the most satisfied inside immediately after I have finished a blog post where I feel like I have kept it really real and the words sang in a way. To me that is real merit.

    But then there’s the bigger picture. The less selfish one: how did what I write or say help others?

    If my blogging (or Blog Editing) helped people express themselves or get jobs or dates or whatever they were looking for, then that gives me even more satisfaction. That might be harder for you, an outsider, to see, but when I ran the great LA blog, LAist, or the dozens of blogs at the LA Times, I was able to be with people in a way that hopefully was beneficial to them. And that interaction was rooted, weirdly, in my personal experiences of writing the world famous.

    So to answer your question, does it make me feel good that blah blah blah not real merit just popularity?

    The only time I feel really good is when someone surprises me with a nude on snapchat, when my momma tells me she liked what I wrote, when the Cubs win the World Series, when my bosses tell me fucking a great job tony, or when the girl in my bedroom says “i just Postmated some Poutine, whatever will we do for twenty minutes?”

    the rest of the time i’m a bawling mess alone in my messy room desperately searching for the approval from others.

    my snapchat is Tsarfan 

  10. Tuesday, July 19, 2016

    nothing in here is true 

    thanks mrs obamait is human nature to mimic

    it’s how we learn.

    it’s also human nature to lie when we are caught in an embarrassing situation.

    but the best part about being a human

    is to appreciate the importance of


    doing the things that little kids do

    like lie, and steal, and cheat.

    it’s called maturing.

    it’s called evolving.

    it’s called growing.

    when MLK was being called names and getting things thrown at him, don’t you think his first instinct was to lash back

    don’t you think an orator as skilled as he could have replied to the ignorant slurs with some choice comebacks of his own?

    instead he did what the racists never thought he’d do, he forgave them, he embraced them, he showed them love

    when we think about who should lead the biggest, strongest nation that ever existed

    do we really want someone who hasn’t really matured?

    i do, because i am a whore for free entertainment

    and i believe that when we die we will go to heaven.

    (he will kill us all.)