nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 26, 2017

    jonathan demme died today 

    He had an incredible career as a director.

    Was the last director to win a Best Picture Oscar for helming a horror movie (The Silence of the Lambs)

    Directed Tom Hanks to his last Best Actor Oscar (Philadelphia)

    Directed Melanie Griffith in her best role (Something Wild)

    Directed the impossible – a lecture – to great results (Swimming to Cambodia)

    And directed the greatest concert movie of all time, The Talking Heads’ Stop Making Sense

    We are lucky he walked this Earth and chose to make movies about fascinating people

  2. am i cursed with pride 


    when you know you’re right, what do you do

    of course you stand up for yourself

    of course you don’t just roll over

    for those who lack courage





    of course you fight fight fight.

    imagine if david byrne said i have a dream

    and jonathan demme said, but that sounds like a nightmare

    would byrne have said oh, lets appease all of your darkest fears

    instead of reach for the highest star

    if he had his name wouldnt have been david byrne

    it would have been phil collins.

    be david byrne.

    and if you can’t,

    be jonathan demme and make dreams come true.

  3. Tuesday, April 25, 2017
  4. drove the nicest lady from beverly hills to hollywood blvd 

    it gives me hope when i meet the good people.

    and i meet them every livelong day.

    hope that heaven is possible, hope that peace and love are possible

    hope that some of us wont get fooled again by a charlatan who promises great walls and jobs jobs jobs and blah da di blah.

    we were able to talk about music and movies and tv and ratings

    and getting talent young and letting it go to greener pastures

    and growing old and LA vs NY and all the things youd wanna talk about in a 24 minute ride in rush hour.

    sometimes its a little sad when the ride is over and you wanna hug them

    or exchange phone numbers

    or be BFFs forever

    but instead you rate them the five stars, turn on the app again and see what there is to see.

    i might be too emotional for all of this.

    but it does pay the bills.

  5. Monday, April 24, 2017

    good news and bad news for amber 

    as some of you may know, amber, pictured right, was going to crash at my pad for six months after she leaves her current residence.

    amber, of course, the sweet angel who helped jeanine get sober.

    and who was my girlfriend a few years ago.

    last night my landlord called me and asked if jeanine was still living in my apartment because if she was she would have to raise my rent to “market rate”.

    i said jeanine was living in vegas.

    she said, that’s not what she was being told. apparently some of jeanines tax forms somehow got back to her. maybe because jeanine was delayed in changing her address with the post office. or maybe it was nosy neighbors. who knows.

    anyways, no way can i pay market rate on this apartment, no matter how nice it would be to have a long legged blonde cook, clean, and parade around in revealing outfits.

    but the good news for amber is there is a man in her life who she can move in with who she loves who lives near her job, who has his own pad.

    this weekend amber was in coachella with her man and she miraculously got front row to see her favorite star Lady Gaga. she slept in a tent. she performed yoga. she met new friends. she spread sunshine everywhere.

    will she be heartbroken that she wont see my smiling face every morning for half a year? probably. i mean, im such a prize. but something tells me she will actually make her way down a better path.

  6. Sunday, April 23, 2017

    matt and i went to the angels game 

    the junior circuit, whatever, i know i know

    but matt has lived on the east coast since ’07, which if you recall motivated me to write to the Times which lead to that great opportunity

    he’s also an Angels encyclopedia which is helpful because the AL is my blindspot

    i mean it’s soooooorta baseball

    it’s baseball enough.

    lucked out and they were playing the Blue Jays so there were lots of Canadians in the house and families originally from Buffalo who now live in Oakland

    and for some reason they decided to fly to Long Beach because Jet Blue had an amazing deal

    so why not see the Jays take on the Angels?

    i was all Buffalo? one morning i woke up in a toronto hotel with a canadian girl on new years day and i turned on the tv and they were playing hockey in a football stadium in buffalo

    the winter classic, he told me.

    yes! and the snow was coming down in thick flakes all over the ice, but it didnt matter because hockey players are the baddest asses in town. SNOW?

    and then he riffed off three-four stats about that game.

    so on the left, matt was predicting the future on the field (double play, right here)

    and buffalo on the right was filling in the blanks of my past

    on my lap was a thick grilled hot dog surrounded by french fries with shredded short rib on top a healthy scoop of guacamole on top of that, and because why not, an ice cream scoop of sour cream.

    and i was working on a beer.

    it was baseball enough, all right.

  7. Friday, April 21, 2017

    life isnt a farm 

    and it’s not even ours.

    we are lucky to be here for the split second we’re here.

    and what are we gonna do, whine? not me. fuck whining.

    i’m here to make things.

    and tell you stories. for example today i drove a fancy stylist from beverly hills to hollywood and then to the airport. he wanted to take a picture of the hollywood sign for his friend.

    but he also had to go to the airport all within two hours.

    that seems simple enough, but it was rush hour and he actually wanted to get very close to the hollywood sign. and did i mention the airport.

    yesterday it took me 20 minutes just to get from the in n out three blocks from LAX to arrivals, i mean departures, thats the ticket. so i was all, dude, i am SO DOWN for challenges. but i really dont want you to miss your flight, so we tried to see how close we could get before getting on the freeway.

    we got to hollywood and highland and he said, nah the shot isnt good enough. so i said ok, im sorry. he said, fine. but then i said, wait, the Netflix HQ has a great view of it and its off the Sunset exit of the 101, which is kinda on the way.

    and i drove there and i said turn around and he was all, yes! and click

    and back on the road and he told me all his secrets and all the dirt on all the people

    which was mostly that they are all pretty cool people if you give them some space

    and all the dirt on west coast vs east coast fashion

    and because it was lyft and not uber i made over $100 and i betcha he tipped me

    speaking of, i emailed uber and said, pay me the $80 you owe me and i promise never to drive UberSC again and you will never have to hear me whine

    not holding my breath for them to do the right thing, but whatever.

    tomorrow im gonna read this screenwriting book all day like college.

    my life needs to change drastically.

    we are here to make magic

    not pout.

  8. Thursday, April 20, 2017

    fucked up and agreed to something i shouldnt have agreed to 

    this won’t end well.

    it’s not enough for some people that you are doing well.

    if i had a farm and the corn was growing and the collard greens were coming in and the indica was on point

    but the pigs weren’t as fat as they should be

    don’t you think we would work on the pigs?

    instead the message is, let’s change everything about the farm.

    but the farm is good.

    i know but it could be better.

    yes but the indica is the best indica for miles around. people come from all over the world for this indica. no one is coming for the pigs.

    yes and the solution is change the farm.

    i don’t think we should change the whole farm.

    well all these others are ok with it.

    but those people aren’t farmers.

    but they’re part of your team.

    imagine if the team worked on the pigs.

    why wouldn’t they work on the whole farm?

    because ughhhhh fine, redo the whole farm who cares any more, north korea is gonna blow us up anyways.

    that’s the spirit tony!

    are they gonna destroy us, asked the corn?


    what about us, asked the greens,

    uh huh.

    us too, asked the crystallized indica flowers waiting to bud?

    no, you i will save. you are my babies.

  9. Wednesday, April 19, 2017

    in the days of chimpanzees 

    fucked up and took an uber x ping while 6 rides short of the goal

    i figured, how far could this ride from the freshman dorm be?

    how about brentwood?

    good news, it turned out to be three of the sweetest sorority girls ever who were making the half hour trip to get some frozen yogurt for one of their sisters who lost a house election.

    apparently the Bigg Chill on olympic is magic.

    took a nice jewish lady from a passover party to her moms house by the fox hills mall

    then headed to the 10 so i could get back over to sc but made a pit stop at the jack in the box to get a deep fried chicken guacamole bacon sandwich with curly fries and a coke. did i mention i went to the doc this morning for my check up and ive lost like 8 pounds lately.

    pretty girl today asked why i never work out.

    i said if the xbi knows youre in shape they’ll trick you into working for them.

    picked up three rich ladies in culver city, uber select. all moms talking about their kids and what they’ll eat, how they shower, what to do about book bags (pack them for them, sigh)

    about 10 years ago they started building houses in these hills above brentwood and across the 405 near bel air. i dont know why they never built any houses there before but for some reason LA never figured it out until recently.

    id never been up in there. gated community. way more houses than i expected. close together. huge trees everywhere though. dropped off one of the ladies and the other two talked to each other about food.

    one was saying how she and her husband were vegans before having kids and now theyre at the mercy of them. theyve begun eating way too much red meat, she said. one of the kids doesnt like chicken. and fish you gotta be careful about. especially from japan. and shrimp, forget about it. and who can trust tofu?

    she wants to get them way more into beans.

    i could smell the remaining half of my jack in the box wafting from the trunk.

    like a captive, quietly knocking

    eat me



  10. Tuesday, April 18, 2017

    idiot trump and idiot north korean dude are gonna kill us all 

    before the nukes start flying around let me tell you that this has been an amazing ride.

    50 years ive gotten to watch this miracle of life and every day i have been fascinated.

    the irony is the majority of these posts have been about me,

    but really they are about how i feel like i fit in

    or how i dont fit in.

    it’s ok not to fit in, btw, indeed sometimes it’s great.

    we still love the chainsaw even though it doesnt fit into the tool box

    but for certain jobs it’s the best friend a one armed man fighting evil could ever have.

    im grateful that i got to spend my life in the era that i did.

    i got to see video games rise from Pong, i got to see computers rise from huge office machines to tiny “phones”

    and best of all i got to see the Cubs win the World Series with my own two eyes.

    along the way i got to kiss some of the prettiest girls in the whole universe,

    i got to live while there was a black man in the white house

    and i’ve even been lucky enough to be of aid to one or two people,

    which the good book says is the purpose of all of this.

    i love you and sorry this planet had to explode so quickly, for no good reason.

    see you at the Big Arcade in the Sky.