nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 7, 2020

    arrest the cops who killed breonna taylor 

    i interviewed someone who was so easy to talk with. sooooo easy.

    in fact any time she was all, did you see this, did you see that?

    i was all, yes. of course! and i had.

    she is a shrink and the last question i asked was did she think everyone should be in therapy.

    she said yes.

    and i keep wondering what i would talk about in there because im good

    but usually im thinking things like that when im procrastinating.

    thats would i would want to work on with a shrink

    how i could be more productive about work

    so i could be lazier at rest.

    it took me days and days to transcribe that interview.

    it kills me to hear my questions and annoying laugh and weird voice

    sentence by sentence over and over.

    but when its over i feel so good.

    its like being constipated for days, sometimes weeks, and then


    imagine if i could just do it in hours, knock it out, and then spend the next two days

    eyes closed, beautiful music playing from a different room

    bathtub filling with mr bubble

    all while trying to float into a

    smoother plane.

    im gonna try this next week.

  2. Thursday, August 6, 2020

    im working. im always working. but i have a hobby. 

    this pandemic has really got me into baseball cards in a big way.

    not super expensive ones that id be sad if they got damaged or stolen or lost. but just cards in general.

    after a long day of this and that it’s nice to just relax, alphabetize, sort, and organize.

    putting order to things in a quiet way is calming.

    and in turn to learn a little about baseball history is good for the soul.

    oh Orel Hershiser spent some time with the SF Giants? Willie Randolph was a Brewer?

    i buy these three ring binders from the Dollar General and get 9 pocket card protectors and at first i was organizing them one way, but now i have buying huge lots off ebay for pennies and im evolving into every team gets their own binder.

    is it a time-suck? yes. but so is reading a book and i dont see any of you dissing that charming hobby.

    last week i bought this Medium Sized USPS box of cards spanning the last two decades. the ebay listing just had a picture of the box. including shipping it is $20. 2,700 cards.

    could it be a waste of money? odds are low.

    heres how i justify it.

    back when i lived in Westwood, on Sundays the truest would say lets go to Dolores’ for breakfast.

    they had muffins the size of your head and the interior was vintage. too good to last. and alas it didnt.

    you couldn’t get out of there for less than $20.

    and yet these cards will be in my binders forever.

    mitt romney’s dream come true.

  3. Wednesday, August 5, 2020

    and now a word from David Bowie 

    It’s easy to get caught up in the hype. It changes you. So I was on the set of the music video ‘Ashes To Ashes’, do you know the one?

    So we’re on the beach shooting this scene with a giant bulldozer. The camera was on a very long lens.

    In this video I’m dressed from head to toe in a clown suit. Why not?

    I hear playback and the music starts.

    So off I go, I start singing and walking, but as soon as I do this old geezer with an old dog walk right between me and the camera.

    Well, knowing this is gonna take a while I walked past the old guy and sat next to camera in my full costume waiting for him to pass.

    As he is walking by camera the director said, Excuse me mister, do you know who this is? The old guy looks at me from bottom to top and looks back to the director and said…

    ‘Of course I do! It’s some cunt in a clown suit.’

    That was a huge moment for me, It put me back in my place and made me realise, yes, I’m just a cunt in a clown suit. I think about that old guy all the time.

  4. Sunday, August 2, 2020

    was this a good weekend? 

    any weekend where i remained above ground is a good one.

    amber and i went out to temple city yesterday, then today over to santa monica.

    ive been looking for baseball card sleeves for my three ring binders.

    shes been so bored around the house that shes been tidying up every nook and cranny.

    ive kept her off my trail pretty well, but my many mansions may have firepoof floors

    but they dont have any true space for my small baseball card collection

    so i have been putting them in binders like mitt romney.

    weirdly theres an out of control baseball card shortage at target, walmart, walgreens and CVS.

    i talked to the store manager of this huge walgreens in monrovia who loves baseball cards

    and he gave me the address of a small baseball card shop in altadena

    i said, your store is so gigantic why dont you have a huge row of cards here and supplies like what im looking for.

    he said, the kids would steal.

    i said, put them in the glass cases that my shampoo is in at Vons


    he had alligator shoes on.

    we talked baltimore orioles baseball for a little while.

    then he got depressed.

    then amber said can you just please order these online?

    and i said yes dear.

  5. Wednesday, July 29, 2020

    theres a bunch of people not handling this well 

    they dont wanna know the truth and who can blame them

    it’s scary.

    i talked with someone who kept asking me about all of the crazy theories.

    a smart person was asking me this.

    then i talked with a mom of two young kids

    i asked her if she told them that this is

    a deadly

    disease and thats why you cant go out or see your friends

    or go to school.

    she said, sort of.

    id be the worst father.

    i would be realer than real.

    id say, go ahead and visit your pallie

    catch something, bring it home to your mother and killer.

    i would probably read more.

    id want to set a good example.

    leading by example is everything.

    and since its 413am i should now sleep by example

  6. Tuesday, July 28, 2020

    what people may not know is theres bricks behind that ivy 

    chicago might look soft and fuzzy on the outside but

    theres a realness right there that you will never forget.

    wrigley fields over 100 years old,

    they had plenty of time to figure out how to put padding over those bricks

    and sew ivy into it.

    but fuck that.

    what is this, recess?

    wrigley field is where dick butkus played most of his games

    in the cold

    through the wind.

    gayle sayers, brian piccolo.

    it’s where ditka played.

    tinkers to evers to chance.

    at wrigley babe ruth pointed at right field in the world series

    and you know what he said?

    he said

    theres fucking bricks in that shit.


  7. Monday, July 27, 2020

    i dont wanna believe in luck 

    i wanna believe that sure the Lord is up there looking down but

    at least some of this is our own doing

    but is it?

    i have had the most beautiful life.

    i have known the greatest people.

    i have kissed the girls even th0ugh i buy my clothes from the sears bargain rack

    and wear anything my momma mails me.

    im overweight, bald, religious, and i love baseball cards.

    yet theres the sweetest girl snoozing away in one of my tshirts and not only is my heart warm

    but due to her my apartment is clean and soon i’ll poop out the most delicious meal.

    about three weeks ago i promised that i would be nicer to her because, and im sure lots of people who have been holed up together during all of this can relate

    i have snapped a few times. in fact for a good four hours a day when i was on deadline she had to walk on eggshells because the faintest sound would get a comment from me.

    i was intense!

    i really wanted our coronavirus wrap ups to be amazing and detailed, also i was obsessed with the developments

    but upwards to 20 links a day involves a ton of reading the saddest, scariest, most fucked up news all day and night.

    at one point i would get relief for a day but it can take a toll on you.

    this weekend ive noticed how now i feel comparatively carefree to then

    and i have indeed been nicer to snoozy.

    how do you change the world?

    be cooler in yr lil universe.

    give God less to clean up

  8. Sunday, July 26, 2020

    lost to the times this week 

    i should just give up.

    what did i even do this week?

    i wrote “the best show i ever saw was at Spaceland

    then i wrote “Why Being Christian Shouldn’t Stop You from Supporting BLM

    worked on a piece that i hope to have out on tuesday about a great artist.

    then on saturday i returned my Air which for some reason was hard for me.

    i had to figure out how to make my printer and phone talk together

    thank God for YouTube tutorials.

    then i had to will my printer to work.

    turned out FedEx has a very simple way to print – which makes sense.

    when im fancy imma do all my shipping with them. thats just way too easy.

    on Thursday or Friday i retweeted a picture from the Glendale Galleria of people who were eating in the parking garage. it did really well — for that guy.

    so after FedEx i drove out to Glendale to see if i could take a few more (he only had one).

    i ended up taking four very bad pictures.

    fucker went off

    over 600k impressions with a whopping 400k engagements

    on a tweet, late on a saturday

    in a garage.

    if you only knew how many places i applied to last year

    some multiple times.

    one i found out thru linked-in who the VP of the department was

    figured out his email address

    explained how they had been advertising the job for 5-6 months and ive applied three times and havent even gotten a nibble.

    i told him, i will work for whatever salary the last person got – just talk to me.

    nothing worked.

    no one wanted me.

    but heres the best thing about that tweet… it increased our followers by 42%.

    one tweet with bad pictures in a garage and now you get over 700 more followers.

    i love the internet so much you have no idea.

    but what i really want is a podcast.

  9. Thursday, July 23, 2020

    i once had a teacher who said 

    if youre having writers block, dont write.

    but he was a short story writer.

    i get paid to type.

    i can’t just not write.

    plus the things i like to write about are timely.

    this day has come and gone and nothing.

    maybe four paragraphs.

    and theyre all terrible.

    i think im exhausted.

    i think im thinking too much.

    i think i have too many distractions.

    i think i am a distraction.

    R. Crumb when he was doing the Old Testament, bought a house on the top of a hill in France. but it was far away from his actual house in France.

    his wife would show up on Friday night with food and supplies like ink (he draws with old fashioned ink pens you have to dip) and then gave him love until Sunday and then she would drive back down the mountain.

    then he’d work.

    took him 6 years to finish the book.

    but what a book!

    but i aint got 6 years.

    in a perfect world i would have two stories finished before tomorrow.

    but i aint no where close.

    i think thats the problem. im trying to eat this elephant whole. and i have convinced myself i gotta eat two elephants.

    i just wanna go to palm springs.

    might just go to palm springs anyhow.

    i am Lots wife. i just wanna look back at the past even if it kills me. hotels, margaritas, sunshine, naps.

    it is killing me though.

    ive gotta push through.

  10. i cant write. im in a hole. 

    my brain is everywhere. everythings a distraction. i just need to do this one thing which is now two. which is bordering on three. and i cant.

    all i think about is la quinta. its the one thing i really miss off of all of this.

    this morning i woke up with a sore throat and i was like, whoops, there it is. dying. Rona. adios!

    i wanna go to la quinta because they have too many pools and a roof deck where a night like tonight you could see every star and every star can see you and some of them say have you no decency? pants!

    by now we woulda been there twice probs.

    i traded up my air for a pro. i can see now without squinting. this is a real computer.

    neil young has a song called “piece of crap.” after a while you learn that some things can be crap but the thing that you use every day, especially for work, should be the real deal.

    air was fine but it’s for kids.

    if i was at la quinta id take a long walk around the grounds, dive into a pool, then maybe another.

    clear my head.

    soak in a hot tub.

    flash the stars on an outdoor chaise next to the out door fire place

    pink floyd easing out of the iphone

    amber inside snoring

    and in the morning id wake with the sun and do this damn thing.

    but tonight its just