nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 12, 2015

    the cubs are playing their booty off 

    breetoday they sent Jake out there with just a few days rest and he was pretty awesome until later in the game and got pulled leading 5-4

    but the rookies seem to be from another planet and just hit and hit and hit

    setting a playoff record by launching 6 bombs.

    each of the 1-6 hitters in the lineup rocketed one.

    the wind was blowing out to right (just like the grand canyon).

    i dont have much time to revel in it all as i still have some work to do for work

    then bree is picking me up so we can see this incredible lineup who will be playing all these california hippie tunes

    fiona apple, regina spektor, beck, jakob dylan,

    cat power

    what have i done to deserve all of this?

    this morning i woke up super early to get in a few quick uber runs.

    got one across town for $60. fellow social media dude.

    his view is a tad better than mine, he’s on the beach in santa monica.

    fine with me. i barely look up from the screen these days.

    cubs are one win away from the national league championship series.

  2. Saturday, October 10, 2015

    Joshua Tree Jam Session 

    joshua tree

    we all drove out to Joshua Tree to celebrate Ken Layne’s big bday.

    and by all of us I mean a ton of your favorite celebrities:

    matt, amy, charlie, the solomon-erin family tree, the os/kim family tree, the shannon/justin family tree, barney, andrew rice, don frances, video guy, the greg/molly family tree and me.

    i only expected like 5-6 people on friday, but what else were we gonna do?!?

    it’s been a blast. expect ben tonight.

  3. Thursday, October 8, 2015

    WE WON! 

    cubs win


    wait that wasnt the world series?

    that was just a playoff game to see who would get in the playoffs?

    too bad, it feels like we just won game 7 and i dont care about nothin because we won it in their park agains their best guy against the team with the second best record in baseball.

    now we get to play our rivals who had the best record in baseball!

    and we are rolling baby nine games in a row without a loss

    the perfect time to be peaking, in october, the only month that matters

    Todd insisted that we go to this Cubs bar instead of a strip club and i must say he was right.

    it was like being that Bee Girl in that Blind Melon video

    here i am a guy who wears a Cubs hat nearly every day and there i was surrounded by lots of other men women and children with Cubs hats. it was glorious.

    i saw fat cub fans, skinny cub fans, cub fans from the LA Times i never knew were cub fans

    the bar was beautiful, turned out i had been there once before. it was while driving Uber

    this black girl with tattoos on her chest wanted me to go in her apartment with her after i dropped her off.

    its a bar called The Hideout, which is ironic because normally when the Cubs or Bears play an important game i stay in my house and hideout and watch it in my pillow fort and squint because i dont wanna see what im pretty sure imma see.


    theyre young, theyre confident, theyre scary good, rookie catcher guy who they never let play catcher hit the ball into Philly last night

    jake arrieta the greatest pitcher of all time shut out the pirates, got hit by a pitch and stole second


    there was a fight, sorta, but noone cared because the Cubs are now gonna face the St. Louis dirtybirds.

    i got drunk i got happy i walked through the streets of DTLA a man in a dress followed us while talking to himself.

    and i said sorry but we’re gonna have to beat your favorite team

    and that series starts tomorrow so get ready.

  4. Wednesday, October 7, 2015
  5. Tuesday, October 6, 2015

    today’s sam’s birthday, shes 29 

    sam on a boat

    once todays birthday girl, samantha, and i were on a row boat in canada and we were having a farting contest

    im extremely competitive when called out so my farts were coming out in rapid succession

    at one point they were powering our craft

    and killing wildlife in our wake.

    sam admitted defeat and retreated to the bow and i took this picture.

    she used to work at american apparel as a model. dov loved her. why wouldnt he.

    now theyre bankrupt because they took the company away from him last year because of blah blah blah.

    but sam, now a bankruptcy attorney, says depending on the deal that the judge cuts with those who AA owes

    and the geniuses who yanked control away from Dov,

    when the company gets out from under all of the millions of dollars of debt and

    breaks the leases with the underperforming stores,

    american apparel might be in better shape than ever

    which would be a perfect time to reunite the prodigal son with his creation.

    which is why libras are the best. so optimistic.

  6. Monday, October 5, 2015

    picked up the saddest girl at the rose bowl saturday night 

    taylor swiftas soon as she pinged me she called me to make sure i knew where she was

    which was really smart because for some reason the people at the rose bowl are still freaking out that uber is a real thing that thousands of the 80,000 people want to use after a game

    and thus its a damn zoo over there with tons of road blocks and one ways only and curvy nonsense

    and people on a golf course waiting next to signs with numbers on it

    and the smallest gate to get our cars through.

    i said i’ll be there in four minutes stay right there.

    i had driven all the way to pasadena hopefully to get someone who wanted to go back to westwood

    found her, realized it was only gonna be a 15 minute ride, but was ok with it because i could get back there and maybe get a longer ride.

    i asked her how her night was and she tried to be cheery but immediately admitted that it wasnt good.

    she texted a little and while she did i could hear her sobbing quietly

    and then not so quietly.

    i turned up the music a little because she was depressing the hell outta me.

    i havent heard a teenage girl weep in quite a while.

    its way worse than i remember it.

    it was very real.

    maybe because i hear fake crying on tv and in movies all the time but this wasnt fake.

    i wanted to give her advice like,

    now you know!

    but all i could think of was: feel those feelings


    feel them!

  7. Sunday, October 4, 2015

    american apparel is going bankrupt tomorrow 

    michael being michael

    this is what happens when you take a mans dream and vision and think you can fix it.

    sometimes theres nothing to fix.

    sometimes you just need to chill a lil.

    the first couple of springsteen albums didnt sell very much.

    they were gonna drop him right before born to run came out.

    today they woulda dropped him way before born to run.

    bruce woulda gotten greetings from asbury park today and if it didnt do gangbusters

    he’d be gone.

    maybe hed self produce the wild and the innocent but theres no way he woulda had a chance to do born to run on columbia’s dime.

    the bankruptcy judge should say dov you’re crazy, but you Are american apparel

    and we need a factory like yours in downtown LA

    and then just lets them refinance but only if dov gets his company back

    the end!

  8. Saturday, October 3, 2015

    my man matt welch was on bill maher last night 

    matt welch with bill maher and the black astronomer

    i was doing shots on the roof of a DTLA hotel the other night and i was talking to a beautiful surgeon

    she was actually the girlfriend of the video guy

    and i asked her, have you ever seen anyone make a mistake in the operating room?

    she said sure

    i said what did you say?

    she said, well i know what i Didnt say. i Didn’t say oops.

    she said, that’s the only word you’re not allowed to say in the O.R.

    and then we cheersed to the Video Guy