nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 26, 2014

    figured out what the movie im writing is 

    david lynch

    every week on hbo there will be four 15 minute uber tales shown
    every week it will be four different actors
    every week it will be directed by a different director

    some of the segments will be traditional television: guy picks up a passenger, they hit it off, theres laughs and then they drop them off.

    but some of the segments will be


    what does the uber guy do during a break
    why did he take a break
    why does he stop his break

    a 15 minute drive where no one talks

    robert de niro is the uber driver
    two girls get in the back
    all they do is talk to each other
    de niro doesnt talk
    but we do see his facial expressions now and then
    as he listens to their stories

    the beauty with this format is you never know who they will pick up
    and you never know who’s gonna drive.

    as the weeks go on, some of the same drivers are featured
    will de niro say anything this week?
    hey arent those the same chatty girls as two weeks ago?
    but this time mike tyson is the driver
    or al gore
    or pee wee herman

    maybe pee wee is the driver and some old lady wants to talk about mike brown.
    or some saudi guy wants to talk about how he just smoked weed yesterday for the first time.
    or prince wants to play a 15 minute guitar solo
    because he has a battery operated amp he just bought
    and wants to know how good it sounds in a car

    maybe some great actress wants to show how great she is
    and delivers a 10 minute soliloquy
    and when we finally see the driver
    it’s stephen hawking
    or hologram tupac
    or borat

    who just says
    very niiiice
    and then they run into a bus.

    i think thats what the show is.

  2. Tuesday, November 25, 2014

    current events: Mike Brown’s killer won’t be tried 

    mike brown

    one thing ive noticed when i occasionally go back in the archives is i have strayed away from talking about current events on the busblog.

    in the spirit of Nothing In Here Is True and the fact that my gigs at LAist, LAT, and KPCC made me think exclusively about current events, I stopped writing about them in here.

    my current gigs however dont care about breaking news, so here we are back again talking about what CNN tried to talk about last night

    racism and how an unarmed black kid was shot to death in the streets of Missouri and how the prosecutor didn’t want to prosecute the cop so he put on a lousy case for the grand jury of mostly white ppl and the grand jury said yeah lets not make this cop stand trial.

    what do i think of all of this?

    i think we rely way too much on guns in the USA and there will be a day when blacks will get tired of being shot by white cops and they’ll start carrying guns too.

    like lots of guns.

    and then we will have huge problems.

    because sure it’s not cool to shoot a cop, but what if he’s shooting at you and you don’t feel like he should?

    and what if he is shooting at you in a way that could kill you?

    dont we have the right to bear arms to protect ourselves?

    can you see where this is escalating towards?

    how about we try to do this without guns and the professional lawmen call in backup when a teenage boy wont cooperate.

    and how about we dont shoot to kill them. how about we use teamwork and skill and technique instead of bang bang bang bang bang


    we have enough dead people in this beautiful country.

    how about a few of us alive people figure out what is working and whats not working, and im sorry but this grand jury of one isnt convinced that guns are working out.

  3. Monday, November 24, 2014
  4. saw mockingjay last night 

    american music awardsit was fine. nothing amazing. a placeholder but a perfectly fine placeholder.

    the biggest applause at the end was when they put Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s name on the screen at the beginning of the credits.

    i must say, it is nice to hop in a car, drive a half hour and see a brand new movie, free, in one of the best movie theaters in the world. perfect sound and picture. nobodys talking. it wasnt even as packed as i thought it would be. maybe because there was no panel afterwards. who knows.

    this is gonna be a short work week. i plan to drive though. not sure if i wanna drive on wednesday. the paper says its going to be super crazy terrible traffic like omg.

    might go see dumb and dumber to on wednesday if thats the case. imagine you get a ride to the airport and the guy is late and the traffic is terrible and then you have to deal with LAX.

    theyd have to give me triple pay to do that.

    and be super nice.

    last night i watched playboy after dark. whoops i mean the american music awards.

    dont get me wrong, im a red blooded straight american man.

    sexy or slutty, which was it? guess it all depends on who you ask. to me it made me a little happy because the women were very pretty and i enjoyed the songs.

    but it made me a lot sad because pop music is usually horrible, but occassionally you can see some hope there. like everythings gonna be ok.

    lorde was good.

    but can she save rock n roll?

  5. Sunday, November 23, 2014

    ended up in the most exclusive neighborhood in So Cal 


    tooling around hollywood, minding my own business, i got a request from a guy who it turned out is a movie producer with some DUIs who wanted me to drive him all the way to the most northwest part of the valley: the star studded Calabasas.

    he was attending a party of an long-time chum, a gentleman who is basically running the most impressive production company in movies. to get there we went through a lot of traffic, picked up a half dozen bags of ice for the party, and had to go through some pretty serious security gates before we slowly climbed the hill to the guy’s mansion.

    because there were so many bags of ice, the passenger asked me if i could bring in three bags with him.


    here is where i should tell you the only recurring dream nightmare ive ever had. one thats haunted me since i was a little kid. i dream that im in someone’s house who i dont know, uninvited. and i can’t get out.

    we walk into the house, theres people everywhere, we go through two living rooms, and then the huge kitchen. the homeowner is cutting some meat, people surrounding him, helping, but our bags of ice are now freezing our arms, so we are let out into the back yard, which is also huge, tables, table settings, ah an outdoor bar, also huge, and behind it a huge ice chest, which we fill.

    as i walk to exit, my passenger disappears among his friends and i realize im not only in a house where no one knows me, but in the backyard and i have to go back through that huge, home, wearing a hawaiian shirt and cubs hat, by myself, obviously guilty of something

    and all my nightmares gave me such a flashback. it was cool and creepy at the same time.

    got in the car, saw the whole trip was only $45. for an hour drive? didnt see right. i paid more than that in a cab from LAX to Hollywood. whatever. at least i saw the same block Bieber and the Kardashians lived in.

    asked Siri where the local Jack in the Box was, and while i was heading there, got beeped by a rich persian mom and her daughter who wanted to go to Brentwood. thanks, Obama.

  6. Saturday, November 22, 2014

    they thought they could bury us, they didnt know we are seeds 

    BEYONCE TWERKINGeons ago i sold tvs and stereos on commission. i loved getting paid commission only because the smarter i got, the more money i made.

    im still not sure if uber, which is also commission only, is pure luck or a tiny bit smarts, but last night i was busy doing relatively long trips all night.

    sad thing: i barely made my quota despite working a full shift. and getting tipped: twice.

    first tip was from a canadian man here on business going from staples center to Boa near beverly hills. he said he was from winnepeg. i said, now thats in manitoba, right? he was shocked at my knowledge. it was his first uber ride. we talked hockey and hoops and listened to latin jazz. the ride took nearly a half hour, i drove on side streets and at the end he said “may i ask how much it cost?” i said give the phone one sec, ah yes here it is and it flashed $18. he smiled, amazed, and dug into his pocket for two crisp dollar bills. hmmmm. whatevs.

    then i took a lady from beverly hills to the airport. she was taking a red eye to visit her husband who was on a movie shoot. she told me a tale of Nicki Minaj being quite a diva and i was all omg i never knew it was that bad. BUT IT WAS BAD.

    the best trip i took was i was at the airport again after a different person was going to the bahamas. i stopped off at the mcdonalds to relieve myself and get a $1 coke. as i was pulling out i got a beep. he dropped the pin in the wrong place (a scary hidden hood near the airport) so i called him and he said he was at Thrifty car rentals. turned out it was a rich old jewish doctor. he and his wife had just returned from hawaii and figured out the sneaky way to get an uber: take the free shuttle out of LAX to the rental car place and call and uber from there (we are blocked from LAX proper).

    we drove down the 405 listening to the 50s station and he sang along with every tune. at Getty Center we were at a stand still at midnight and we all cursed the 405. the wife asked me to just take sepulveda. i did for a mile and got back on and it was smooth sailing to the valley. they lived super close to where Ali’s dad lives. great house, sweetest people.

    they tipped me $10. now thats how you do it!

    off to drive bruins and trojans to the rose bowl.

  7. Friday, November 21, 2014

    went to the doc for a while 


    he said he had some bad news.

    he said i need to quit the xbi.

    i told him i wasnt in the xbi.

    he said i couldnt even work part time for them, not even for little quickies.

    i said the xbi doesnt even exist.

    he said seriously you need to relax.

    he said if you are in need of money and thats why you work for them now and then, you need to do something else, like write books, screenplays,

    anything that wont raise your heart rate.

    i said i feel like im the coolest cucumber in the shopping cart.

    he said these tests say otherwise.

    ive been in a daze ever since.

  8. Thursday, November 20, 2014

    mike nichols died today 


    he made some pretty damn good movies.

    id watch some if i wasnt so busy.

    last night we celebrated ali’s birthday at kanpai

    the night before i attended the 20th anniversary screening of The Shawshank Redemption and took pictures of morgan freeman and tim robbins and mel brooks and carl reiner among others

    ive been falling asleep on the couch watching tv and holding the kittens.

    their sleeping behavior is contagious.

    which is probably why we dont let them ride in cars with us.

  9. Wednesday, November 19, 2014