nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, August 29, 2016
  2. Sunday, August 28, 2016

    uber had a bonus for certain drivers this weekend 

    east hollywood

    pretty sure they could see from my diminished rides that i have been happily driving more and more for Lyft so they gave me a bonus challenge for this weekend: do 12 trips and get a bonus of $80.

    Ask any driver and he would gladly accept a $6.66 tip for each ride, which is what this amounted to.

    On Friday my real job let us out at 1pm so my goal on Friday was to do 7 rides (you always need to do one or two extra rides on your bonus weeks in case some bean counter wants to steal one of your beans) which meant Saturday I would need to do 7 (since Sunday is the Lord’s)

    Friday was easy. At 2pm-5pm I was one of the few guys out there so I was busy. I could have done 12 easy but I needed to get back to Hollywood to get to the Cubs game. So I did 7.

    Last night i got out there around 7pm. I wanted to catch some people going out to dinner, which are usually ppl i dont like driving cuz im jealz. Also the sun was setting so it wouldnt be too hot. And I figured I might be able to get home in time for some Netflix.

    All I need is 7.

    First ride, pick up this couple and they ask me to do the one thing I hate doing when I’m trying to hit a number “hi, could you make two stops, first me and then him?”

    When you’re not trying to reach a goal the two stops are close together, when you’re trying to knock out as many trips as possible the two are soooo far away. Murphys Law. Whatever.

    It looked like they had met on a blind date or Tinder or something and he was so not into her. 7:15pm and the night was already over? Yikes. So I didn’t say a word and let them sweat it out.

    “So you’re on Instagram and not even talking to me?” she asked, smiling, trying to be happy.

    “Pretty much,” he said, young handsome, being a dick.

    Dropped her off near Sunset Pho, took him to the other side of Silver Lake. Coulda been worse. Didn’t say a word to him the whole time. 13 minutes total.

    Six more.

    Right away I get a pretty young lady near the Silver Lake 360 Whole Foods. Shes going downtown, naturally. But she’s nice. Little Southern Accent. The roads are empty but the freeway’s packed. Waze tells me to go through Elysian Park. Fine. She tells me she has lived in Silver Lake for about a year but never ever ever goes to downtown. I was like, live a little, baby.

    We’re heading to Perch where exactly two years ago today Leah, Lindsay and Amber and I all went for a lovely dinner and drinks.

    leah amber and lindsay16 minutes and we’re there. This night is gonna be great. OR SO I THINK.

    Right by Perch I get dinged again. Awesome. Bonus, here I come! Young lady wants to go to Little Tokyo. Baby, who DOESNT wanna go to Little Tokyo. Totally forgettable conversation. Who cares. 6 minutes. DONE. Four more.

    Get pinged again. A Select call (double the money). Thanks God! Get to the place. Busy street. People are honking. No one around. So I call. The guy says, we’re on Shaeffer Street. Aint no Shaeffer street in DTLA. Who knows what the guy is all about. Sounds like a freak. I ask for his address. I put it into Waze. Waze says, “this guy is a prankster, hang up.” I hang up, cancel him. Click the Wrong Address button and I get $7.50 because the dude didnt do it right. Sweet. Thanks!

    So I drive around Little Tokyo and all the asian hipsters trying to get into that one noodle place thats over priced. I drive down Broadway, LA Live, anywhere I can. Nothing. Nothing for like a half hour. People are either in or DTLA is now packed with toooo many Ubers.

    I drive to screwed up parts of town. Parts no Uber driver would be caught dead. But I aint ever gonna die. I’m gonna keep driving forever. With my arthrightous gloves on, my little bottles of water, and my extra battery cord that snakes back into the rear seats.

    I dare you to ping me Skid Row. East LA where are you?

    Finally a dude at the only grocery store in DTLA wants a ride to his loft. Him and his groceries. Perfecto! Five minute ride.

    And this is where Uber drivers think the fix is in when it comes to bonuses. Some say Uber will stop sending calls our way when we are getting close. I think that’s insane. Their tech is so buggy,  how could they put a formulae in there so perfect so as to block drivers and make them stay on the road longer than they want simply to keep the surge rates down?

    But alas, it was an HOUR before I got another call. And im driving around DTLA, Echo Park, anywhere.

    Then the ping comes in. Weird guy in KTown. White dude. First thing he asks me is if I am a comedian.

    “Have I told you any jokes yet?” I ask

    “Nope.” he says.

    “Do I amuse you?” I say.

    Guy admits that he’s stoned and is on a Tinder date. He’s a weird guy. He’s going to a bar in Echo Park because he says he doesn’t know of any bars for white male dudes in Koreatown.

    I say, you’re doing the right thing by going to Echo Park.

    Drop him off. Pray that he doesn’t murder his date. And get a teen leaving a party who wants to go to Silver Lake, a place he has lived his whole life he tells me. Before we get to his house he asks me to drop him off at his high school. Perfectly normal looking clean cut white kid who wants to study stem cells in college.

    If you are about to tag up your school, I didn’t see it, I joke.

    I’m so close to my house and I am exactly on my number. But the rules of Uber, you have to go over or they’ll screw you.

    Get an Uber Select ping at Blossom, my favorite Pho place. Beautiful brown princess of a girl gets in. Wants to go up in the hilly hills of Beverly Hills.

    I turn on jazz.

    She bats her lashes

    And slowly falls asleep there as we wind our way down Sunset then Fountain

    and then up to my dumb little goal.

  3. Dodger fans, SMH 

    Dodger fans

    Friday Todd and I went to the Cubs Dodgers game.

    I splurged a bit and bought these $100 tickets in the Executive Level. The waiters come to your seat. The seats are cushioned. We were in the front row of the section. The bathrooms are nice.

    We sat there for a few innings and some guy in a USC Keck Medical jacket says youre in my seats. Turns out we were one section over. He and his clan watch the game for maybe 3 innings and then in the top of the 6th leave.

    Todd and I don’t notice it for about an inning, but they never come back.

    The cliche about Dodger fans coming late and leaving early held true, even on a Friday night, even against the best team in baseball, even in a 1-run game. Even though the Dodgers are fighting to stay on top of the West.

    It’s like, why are you buying these seats if you’re not going to actually sit in them?

    Lets hope he had buddies in a better section or in a luxury suite, but i dont think so. There were many empty seats in the Executive Level and all over the stadium.

    Maybe Ben Welch of the Times can investigate this weird, decades long, phenomena.

  4. Saturday, August 27, 2016
  5. Friday, August 26, 2016
  6. Thursday, August 25, 2016

    if i could start my life over id have been nicer to a few people 

    hard workerstarting with pretty much all of my girlfriends

    next i would have tried harder to learn french and spanish

    i would have been a computer programmer

    i would have given up on sports sooner.

    i would have joined the marching band earlier.

    i would have kissed way more girls in high school.

    i would have kissed pretty much every girl in college.

    i would have finished more of the books that i started in my english classes.

    i wouldn’t have given up on art at drawing, i would have learned how to really paint.

    i would have never bought a drum set, instead i would have learned the guitar and piano.

    would i have watched all the tv that i watched? yes.

    i would have started reading the bible earlier.

    i would have gotten into more fights in school.

    once i moved to california i did pretty much everything right, except for the niceness to the girlfriends part.

    i would have blogged even more in the beginning, if that is even possible.

    i wouldnt have sold my Home Depot stock as early as i did.

    but im glad i stayed with Blogger, Buzznet, and LAist for as long as i did.

    and im glad i kept it as real as possible along the way.

    i should have quit selling tvs at sears though, before they fired me.

  7. Wednesday, August 24, 2016

    the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe 

    cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

    sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

    i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

    or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

    all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

    the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

    over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

    if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

    repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

    at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

    so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

    they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

    and the response was predictably brilliant.

    “the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

    some are taking it a step further by writing

    “the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

    because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

    but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

    and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

    what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

    don’t quit.

    not even donald trump quits.

    never quit!

    did Harambe quit?!

    we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

    which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

    (Harambe loved Latin)

    so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

    all they’re doing is expressing love.

  8. Tuesday, August 23, 2016

    keira-anne from canada-eh asks what the heck 

    chris with mickey mouse

    keira-anne writes: What the heck? You were holding out on me. I had no idea there was a Dodgers Mickey at Dodger Stadium!

    there isnt. and there never was. it was all trick photography.

    but there once was…

    in the year 2010 major league baseball’s all star game was played in anaheim stadium, which is a few miles away from a certain Land.

    circling the stadium were Mickey Mouses painted in the colors and logos of all of the teams.

    vandals destroyed all but two of them: everyone’s favorites, the Cubs and

    the extremely suspicious Dodgers.

    the Cubs donated theirs to a Chicago-area children’s hospital

    and the Dodgers tucked theirs away in the basement of the Alamo.

    weirdly, the basement of the Alamo has a Higgs-Bottom escalator that runs directly into the basement of Dodger Stadium

    Mickey LA gang signand the other night after the Guns n Roses show, my buddy Chris and I were roaming around the basement of Dodger Stadium and remembered about this superfast escalator to Texas and seeked it out.

    sure enough, right behind a door that said Next Week’s Dodger Dogs was a hole with a ladder that brought us to the Higgs Bottom transporter and in less than 10 seconds we were in the basement of the Alamo.

    Chris brought a beer with him to see the effects of beer after particle transfer travel: it turns flat, but gets colder

    after rummaging around the Alamo we took a picture of the birthday boy, took a picture of where Ozzy peed on the Alamo (not pictured), took a picture of where Pee Wee took a tour of the Alamo, and then we zipped back to Cali.

    heres what i can tell you. youd think the Alamo would be cooler. also, youd think a Dodgers Mickey Mouse would be displayed like all the time.

    are the Dodgers and the Mouse mad at each other for some reason?

    do kids just lose their damn minds when theres a Mickey Mouse statue right in front of their eyes?

    is the Dodger Mickey Mouse super bad luck and thats why they shipped it to Texas in the middle of the night?

    none of these questions will ever be answered, sadly. but the next time youre in San Antonio, you’ll know how to get to LA in seconds.

    de nada

  9. when Pablo Picasso was 15 he painted a self portrait 

    pablo picasso

    and they were all, damn Pablo Picasso that’s some badass shit
    and he said si because he is Spanish.

    when Pablo was 25 he painted another self portrait that was much different than what everyone else was doing at the time.

    and they were all dammmmmn Pablo, are you ok? where is your control, your contours, your shading your technique?

    and he said, i am in full control, my countours are exactly where they should be, my shading is better than ever

    and my technique will be copied more than anything else ive ever done before.

    and they sent a doctor over

    and pablo picasso said i will shove a paint brush in a place you wont enjoy unless you leave here immediately

    but he said it in French because is sounded so much prettier in that tongue.

    when Pablo was 95 he painted a new self portrait.

    and they said, heres all the money in the world, that is the craziest

    coolest, weirdest, wildest, most amazing portrait

    of Vincent Van Gogh we have ever seen.

    and he died

    with a smile on his face.

    be weird.

    stay weird.

    die weird.

  10. she said how come you don’t write about your friends very much 

    my living roomi said i dont?

    have i told you i have the greatest friends?

    theyre smart and funny and beautiful and some even made beautiful little ones.

    they motivate me and inspire me and fill me with joy whenever i am around them.

    soon i will be going to my favorite place in the world with some friends i have known since high school and even before that.

    but lots of times i hang with friends ive known since my first days at college.

    and often i wish i was hanging out with them more because they might be the best people on earth.

    i do believe in God and i do believe in Heaven and if i get to make it to Heaven and get to talk with God

    i will not at all be surprised if he tells me, tony, you had the dream team of friends.

    the people you got to learn from and rock out with and drink and smoke and eat and travel with

    those were the best we had.

    you are part of them.


    crazy ass you.

    and thats why you all stick together and float from sea to shining sea together like migratory birds.

    the home you live in was first found by one friend who then handed it over to another and then to you.

    the girls you kissed often were kissed by other friends first.

    as it should be.

    the clothes you wear the music you listen to the books you read have all been vetted by your friends and analyzed and when you all move back to isla vista, you will play those songs and talk about those books

    and together you will share in the one thing that ties you all together:

    freaky love.