nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, February 15, 2019

    heres the thing you cant worry about 

    you cant worry about Google. people may search you and read the wrong thing. but they might read the right thing too. so you cant worry.

    what you should worry about is being good. are you a good person? is your heart in the right place? are you kind? are you trying?

    on a different level you can worry about are you doing interesting things or using whatever gifts you have or are you underachieving. but that first part is more nuanced than most of us realize. and by us i mean me of course.

    good is fine but theres another level. are we there yet ice cube?

    i have a rule that if anyone on the street asks me for money i’ll give it to them. but the other day there was this guy in a doorway, sitting on cardboard, it was cold and wet. and he never asked. we passed him and said hello. he said nothing. and when we passed him again he said nothing. i should have given him something.

    but sometimes i think anything i do for this guy is meaningless. what’s a dollar or two gonna matter. but i gotta tell you, when i was driving uber, a $2 tip would completely fuel me for two hours. any instance of positive reinforcement is welcome in my life, why would that guy be any different?

    so thats what i mean about a higher level of goodness. and thats just a dumb example. theres way more personal and important ones.

    for example i should go to yoga with my gf. she would like that.

  2. Thursday, February 14, 2019

    it was valentines day 

    so i watched a bunch of movies for an interview ive gotta do

    took a shower

    got some texts from the girl that she would be home soon.

    listened to the rain and then lack of rain

    threw on her robe and my new cubs spring training cap

    and met the nice femme at the door with a smile and a small plan.

    because she goes to work so early in the morning, she can be back at a reasonable hour which allowed us, in this case, to be at this nice italian restaurant before 6pm, which on vday

    in los feliz,

    is the perfect time to be there, especially without a reservation.

    but ive gotta tell you, i wasnt blown away by the place, Lil Doms. big prices for small dishes is a trend that should go away. if a man is gonna order spaghetti and meatballs, maybe sell them the LA size plate for $18, like they do, but they should also sell a midwestern size for $4-5 more.

    how much does a few more balls and noodles really cost.

    got home, started a fire, and ate four slices of toast because Dom doesn’t give you free bread either.

    odd place.

    cozy, dark, decent music, and perfect for a 6pm vday dinner but maybe thats it.

  3. Wednesday, February 13, 2019

    todays ambers birthday, shes 34 

    if you want to get her a gift may i recommend m&ms, peanut flavor.

    i bought her this 3 lb tub and gave it to her when we got home from the concert and by lunch the next day it was almost gone.

    that is how she is about everything. she goes full throttle on whatever she loves.

    she gets to work an hour early. sometimes earlier. when she reads a book, she tries to finish it before the day is over. when she watches a tv series she wants to see all of them.

    NEXT EPISODE! she’ll yell. and i say, no, it’s sleepytime. and she’ll say NEXT EPISODE!

    she cries at movies, she cries at concerts, she will not only wear anything you give her but she’ll find matching socks. she texts so many friends that today the texts just flowed in. all through lunch. all through game of thrones. all through the day.

    why? because her heart is pure. she knows its pure too which is why she wont answer direct questions. she tries to guess where you’re going. im like, have you seen the inside of my brain? you’re not gonna guess where im going. but the fun thing is i dont know where shes going either.

    she deserves better. she deserves a mellow prince. she deserves someone who drinks coffee. i’ll never drink coffee.

    today i was all what do you wanna do? she said. i said, a movie? she said no. i said, theres this great movie i wanna take you to, cold war. she said im gonna take a walk. when she got home she said, lets order thai and watch like 3-4 hours of game of thrones.

    i dont know about her, but i loved her birthday.

  4. Sunday, February 10, 2019

    fuck yeah greg mcilvaine 

    last night, in a beautifully appointed rented soundstage in atwater village

    greg vaine, your boy, invited bandmates from groups he’s rocked with since he was a teen,

    to his time in isla vista,


    and now back in LA.

    there were reunions, surprises, cover tunes, a taco hat,

    multiple costume changes,

    it could have gone on all weekend.

    it’s a testament to how loved greg is and how many different genres of music are better when he’s on guitar.

    i hope we do this every 50 years.

  5. Friday, February 8, 2019

    what if the what ifs are right 

    what if the voices are speaking from the future and they know and theyre there to protect us and especially you then what do you do what do you say what if they know

    which is an excellent question for this weeks ask tony and i know the answer to that perfectly and here it is

    there are two songs on the playlist. neither are good. the one is the mopey sad scared boring panicking drone that says its not gonna happen everyones out to get you the end of the world is nigh

    the other is saying oh but youre the exception to the rules youre the chosen one youre the golden child incapable of failure, try, try, try all will be well, and then vacation a little more you deserve it!

    dont you think basketball players at the free throw line hear the people booing and shouting and trying to distract them

    of course. and they know theres nothing good in listening, so they listen to the other song, you can make this, you can do this, you have done it, youve done it millions of times, just hit it and smile on your jog back down the court

    practice your acceptance speeches, not your defenses

    prepare for success, not death

    seek out the fuck yes

  6. Wednesday, February 6, 2019

    First Trump, now this. Is nothing sacred? 

    Must everything be put through the shit machine and devalued for the all mighty dollar or the spectacle of novelty? Let’s hire a bozo to run the country, let’s let the failed experiment in the AL become the new normal in the senior circuit.

    Even though my Cubs will benefit today, where will kids learn about the nuances and strategies of managing an NL team in the late innings with a hot pitcher who can’t hit. Do you pinch hit? Do you pull him?

    Not everything should be a video game. Not everything should change because “kids today” aren’t interested.

    Kids today love Hamilton, smoking Juuls and “dancing” to terrible music.

    Actual adults, the majority, don’t mind if baseball games last 4 1/2 hours and pitchers as a whole only hit .133. It’s their failures at the plate that make their successes so much sweeter. It is a reflection of the everyman. It is us. 300 pound washed up sluggers in a DH slot are none of us.

    I want my country back.

  7. Sunday, February 3, 2019

    stupid bowl 

    adam levine, the singer of the extremely mediocre Maroon 5, could have become a rock and NFL legend today

    musicians from Rihanna to Cardi B turned down the honor of performing at halftime of the Super Bowl this year, in solidarity against the obvious collusion that has kept quarterback Colin Kaepernick out of the NFL.

    through their performance levine took off a jacket, a sweater, and then his shirt before ending the show bare chested and stupid. if under his sweater was a Kaepernick jersey, levine would have won the hearts of gazillions.

    instead neither he nor the band wanted to acknowledge the elephant in the room and they pranced around like dingos, did their tunes, and got off the stage.

    by now we should know that Maroon 5 will not save us. neither will most of the flashes in the pan that for one reason or another hang around beyond their expiration date.

    but in the realm of rock n roll, there is a beautiful history of rebellion and protest that should never be forgotten. once upon a time tattoos were the symbol of defiance and individuality. today it’s just another accessory.

    the nfl chose the right johnny bravos to keep things as least interesting as possible, but one day rock will return.

  8. Saturday, February 2, 2019

    its cold in chicago and wet here in LA 

    it’s so nice to hear the rain

    it’s pouring right now. it’s 620am.

    ive been working all day.

    i sleep till noon and work till 5-6am. little breaks here and there. like to eat.

    or clean out the kitty litter. or watch 1 episode of game of thrones with the missus.

    it’s not the life you think it is. i am a hermit. i dont leave. if i really push myself i will walk to the grocery store.

    tomorrow i will work through the super bowl and hopefully by its end i will be done for the week and i can enjoy monday and tues with amber.

    we were gonna go to palm springs but its so cold and wet why bother.

    shes gonna go to yoga a bunch and im gonna declutter like the tidy lady and then go see 2-3 movies with her.

    i have a very simple, life. we drove to get a pizza last night. $5 if you pick it up.

    so we picked it up.

    see how glam life is here in hollywood.

  9. Thursday, January 31, 2019

    today the press secretary said that God wanted trump to be president 

    as you know, im a very handsome fellow.

    is that because God wanted me to be this fine?

    as much as i wish it was the case, the answer, according to the Good Book is nah.

    did God want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree? no, he was pissed about it. did God want the people of the Earth to be so fucked up that he flooded them out? did he want Sodom and Gomorrah? did he want the moneychangers in the temple?

    of course not. Earth isn’t a Barbie Dream House where the same guy who invented a fully functioning heart, self focusing eyes, and skin that regenerates when it’s cut, also wrote a script that we all are forced to play along to.

    how boring would that be for the most common dullard, let alone the man who created photosynthesis.

    even Jesus is shocked when the woman in the crowd touches his hem. Jesus, God himself, walking around Earth is surprised. He’s surprised again on the cross when he cannot believe how long it’s taking to die.

    what part of we are made in his image does the press secretary not understand? like us, God is surprised by things; because, like us, God would rather things happen naturally than him having to micromanage everything; because like us, even if you can convince yourself that you control things on Earth something bizarre happens, like the Cubs winning the World Series.

    how do i know this? the bible. theres not one book in the Old Testament with more divine intervention than Exodus and yet spoiler alert Moses doesn’t make it to the promised land. you don’t think God wanted Moses in the promise land? moses was the face of the Jews. the very same tribe that God said he would deliver into the land of milk and honey. Moses was the one who got to talk to the burning bush, deliver the ten commandments, and truly commune with the Most High. and he’s not invited to Coachella?

    but lets come home to Kings, which is really the only place one should go for guidance in regard to earthly rulers. In Kings we see a parade of both good leaders and bad ones.

    the bad ones were often described like this, “He did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin which he made Israel to sin. [1 Kings 15:26]”

    the old like father, like son dilemma, which our president has also been accused of being tangled. a sad patter than occurred before Christ and now after. Papa Trump, according to the failing new york times, did crooked deals to increase his wealth and status, and now President Trump follows in those unfortunate footsteps, but now on a grander scale.

    sorry Sarah, the Lord didn’t want bad kings then. and he doesn’t want them now.

    he didn’t want Aaron to encourage the jews to make the golden calf. he didn’t want Lot’s wife to look back. and he didn’t want me to look this good especially at this age with no hair.

    if he wants anything, he wants us to live our best lives minus the training wheels, cheat codes or stolen emails.

    60 million Americans and a handful of Russians wanted Donald Trump to be President, not God.

    which is why Trump’s too chickenshit to have regular press conferences.

  10. Wednesday, January 30, 2019

    it’s my fault 

    i should have been a teacher. i should have just done what i needed to do when i was in college when i had the chance to be a sub then a real teacher. and i should have done it.

    maybe we all should have done it. but we wanted to live wild lives and meet weird people and not do what would have been better for the country and the world

    and just, day after day, week after week, teach these kids that

    no the world isnt flat

    no the things you see on infowars and fox news arent even close to the truth

    if it snows that doesnt mean theres not crazy ass climate change that future generations are going to hate us for.

    dear future generations: i am sorry. i am very sorry. this planet had its ups and downs but youre fucked and its our fault not yours. im sorry i acted selfishly. im sorry. i really am.