nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, September 23, 2018

    today was a crazy day 

    but it was also Sunday during the NFL season which meant all that mattered was one thing, and that is the Chicago Bears.

    i know i know im working on a secret project

    and the Repubs are trying to steamroll their naughty frat boy through the supreme court process

    but morrissey announced that joan jett would be opening for him at his show in LA Live

    and the Cubs beat the Sox

    and these Cocoa Pebbles are delicious

    and i did so much laundry

    and yesterday i watched this insane kirk douglas movie where he played this crazy reporter out in the desert and this guy was stuck in a mine and kirk coulda saved him right away but he wanted the story to go on and on

    and all these people showed up and there was a carnival and food and the train started stopping there

    and old kirk started saying super nice things about the sherriff so in return the sheriff blocked the other reporters from doing things and eventually just made kirk a deputy

    there is so much evil in the world. the bible tells us this too.

    so much evil in there that the good book says things like

    and then Ezekanazl was born and he did what was evil in the eyes of the Lord, as his father had done.

    even back then. the good old days. the days before all the minorities showed up and ruined things by working for super cheap (or free) and accepting the scraps as if they were gold. even then people in power were being super selfish and mean to the less fortunate.

    and every time a beggar asks me for money i think, am i being tested? and then i think, shit, they’re being tested and thats one i would fail: try to live in LA while being stinky and homeless and jobless and undereducated.

    oh it was crazy out there, all right.

    i read a bunch of Job and i dont know which way to go with it. he’s right to be pissed off, and his friends are right to tell him to trust God, but mama mia, theres another test i would fail and fail and fail.

    once upon a time someone tried to take stuff away from me and i tried to reason with him but then it appeared that people wanted him to take things from me and i was all, am i the crazy one then?

    so old Job must have thought, wait, i didnt do shit wrong, now my family dead, i got these bumps all over my face and my friends are saying i need to just put myself in time out. wtf is happening?

    and the bible says, tonight wasn’t crazy, every day is crazy.

  2. Saturday, September 22, 2018

    michael moore’s fahrenheit 11/9 

    we forget about our ideals

    we forget about the things that are important to us.

    we let them deflect away from the concept by demonizing the politician

    even though we all agree that all the politicians are lacking.

    all of them.

    ive loved every single one of my girlfriends so much, so deeply, so intensely, but ive lacked with each one, ive said stupid shit, ive not done certain things that would have made things easier and better and less smelly

    and these are people who are getting naked in front of me

    so of course politicians, strangers really, who cannot continue, they claim, without selling out a little to this one or that one — of course politicians are occasionally going to let us down in a big way.

    this movie reminds us that we have to refocus back to the basic things that we want: a healthcare system that doesn’t bankrupt people, an electoral system where when you vote it matters, gun regulations that are written by people not lobbyists

    but mostly this movie drives home the fact that this country believes in liberal values

    big time

    and the current day GOP has done nothing to change those values

    meanwhile the democratic party has no one to blame except themselves for being such wimpy ass moderates

    and not listening to their supporters who dont wanna be moderate about everything.

    teachers shouldnt have to go on food stamps.

    kids shouldnt have to worry about getting shot while in school.

    the people of flint shouldnt have to worry that their drinking water is going to affect their freaking DNA for generations to come.

    there should be no middle ground there.

    for example, zero kids should be killed in school. if you want to call me a radical for not wanting to budge on that number, then fuck yeah, im a radical.

    and fuck yeah am i happy that michael moore keeps doing what he does,

    we clearly need him.

  3. Friday, September 21, 2018
  4. finally this blog will be what i want 

    chicago taught me everything.

    i heard myself talking to people but i was really just talking to myself.

    be yourself

    forget about everything else

    you’re younger than you think

    take pictures of everything

    you’re not alone

    this beer tastes like shit

    midwest summertime humidity and hospitality is the most magical healing combo ive experienced and trust me ive been around the block

    the city and suburbs were warm and green and people, rich and poor look you in the eye and tell you right what they think

    babies too.

    people had cubs hats on, way more sox hats than i expected, bears shirts, and smiles.

    i spotted more than i expected shirtless men.

    and amber seriously fell in love with all of it while all along i kept saying this is all a beautiful illusion, for winter is coming.

    when you get older and you return to certain places you say, oh yeah, over there used to be the bank and before that it was dinner theater and before that it was a drug store

    this time i was turning the dial on the radio and there was no more The Loop.

    one day i’d turn it there and its like love songs or something and i kept it there for longer than i shoulda

    like i was waiting for something magical to happen and it would come back.

    but it never did.

    it never does.)

  5. Monday, September 17, 2018

    why is this man sweating like a dog? 

    because yesterday at wrigley field it was AT LEAST 90 degrees, probably hotter, with no wind in the Windy City, no shade in the center field bleachers for the 1:20pm start, so i had to use a formerly blonde girl as my umbrella which was fine until she melted in my hands like a chocolate Easter bunny left in a parked car in July in Mexico City.

    but i drank Old Style, poured water on my head, hid out beneath the bleachers, and put a Slushie down my shorts. it was Heaven, even though the Cubs didn’t win.

    This was Amber’s first trip to Chicago and I hope she had a good time. When we went to the only stand that serves Old Style, she spotted Nachos on the menu and asked if it came with Pico de Guy-o. i was all, girl these people don’t know what that is. (and they didn’t), instead they said, if you get the nachos in the Cubs helmet it comes with EVERYTHING WE HAVE (for the low price of $20). when we saw the Cubs at Dodger Stadium she had nacho envy any time she spied someone eating out of a helmet so she didnt pass up the chance of eating all that gooey cheese and chili (!) in the Friendly Confines.

    we were there with my long time friend Monica who ive known since the first day of high school, her handsome husband Patrick, and later we met up with Andy Sternberg and his friend (whose brother has been beating me in the busblog fantasy leagues for far too long)

    here we are beneath the bleachers hiding from the heat as we ate and drank and watched the game on tv alongside two football games and enjoying the Cub fans root against the Packers on such a good Sunday it was hard to believe.

    and im telling you ive never sweated so much in my life. i immediately took my shirt off despite my belly that reveals im 7 months pregnant (it’s a boy!) but that did no good. so i took off my pants. then my socks. and finally my fur coat. still the sweat was pouring out of me like i had sprung a leak. speaking of… there was a rumor that gentlemen were no longer allowed to take their shirts off at wrigley any longer, especially in the Bleachers. which was something that i couldn’t wait to get thrown in jail for. because some of my favorite baseball men had bared their boobies in the bleachers in the past.

    the best being mr bill veeck, who planted the ivy on the walls of wrigley way back.

    who had a wooden leg.

    who even though he bought the white sox and turned the old comiskey into such a fun place – despite being riddled with american league bozos and south side fans.

    the point bill was always making, was the same thing that Andrew W.K. makes today, which is life is short, take off your shirt, and party party party because soon we will be dead and in Heaven and we will have to be ready for the ultimate party up there, which probably also does not include shirts or both of our legs. so lets get some practice in now.

    and of course the other is the grand daddy of them all, Mr. Harry Caray who also didn’t have the most Grecian physique but did. not. give. one. fuck. are we not men? and look, the ladies loved him for it. as did the kids. as did the long haired stoners. as did every man woman and child. for fun is universal and man boobs and bellies denote a certain freedom and joie de vreeve that we all admire and desire. so fuck yeah i took my shirt off immediately and wiped my face with it because it was hotter than than a stripper on a mid day pole and i was sweating harder than a long tailed cat at a rocking chair convention. throw me out copper – but they never did for they were hot as hell too.

    which brings us to Old Style.


    i am a man of a certain age

    who remembers a time when the bleachers were not always packed (or $70 on stub hub), and people weren’t clamoring to build houses and hotels on the monopoly boards of Clark and Addison.

    indeed, my mom would give teenage me $10 to go to the game, and $3 got us a bleacher seat, $5 got you an old style, and you could probably get a hot dog for $2 and you were in hog heaven. apparently it’s tough to pay millionaires tens of millions more to play for your team with those sorts of prices, and people really do love their beer, so jack up the rates they did. but they also cut certain deals with giant brewers like Budweiser to make them the semi-exclusive distributor of suds in the stands. 

    but somehow even these genius businesspeople know that Old Style is as synonymous to the Cubs as ivy and day games. so ownership, God Bless em, told Bud that they really couldn’t rip Lacrosse Wisconsin’s greatest export from Wrigley, in part because men my age are nostalgic about certain things like our first beer. And we will pay top dollar and we will seek out the one stand beneath the stands that no one goes to, in order to relive their childhood.

    and that stand still exists under the right field bleachers and a portion of the proceeds goes to a special school on the North West Side of town and i guess that made it ok for Budweiser which made it ok with the Cubs which made it ok with the world. so i buy it and drink it and love it. OK?!

    the Brewers lost too which brought the Cubs Magic Number down to 11.  the team travels to AZ today to take on the red hot Diamondbacks as part of a 30-game stretch without a day off. and they are def limping into Bethlehem barely able to scratch a run or two together, but fortunately the pitching is so strong.

    like my B.O.

  6. Sunday, September 16, 2018

    we are in suburbia, my home, amber loves it 

    she wants to move here. it’s quiet. i say what about those planes flying overhead.

    she says what planes. i say what about all of these big box stores going out of business.

    she says have you seen how cheap houses are?

    i say what about all the malls dying. she says i have seen zero homeless people.

    she says look there are kids playing in the streets. look theres black kids on bikes.

    look theres woods everywhere and green grass and clean streets and fresh air.

    no grafitti. the cops wave at you. there are two high schools, one just for the freshmen and sophomores so they wont get beat up by the upper classmen.

    look at all the land people have. look at the colors. gas is only how much!

    lets move. lets move lets move she says.

    i say, this is all an illusion, a siren song, a mirage of the lotus eaters.

    for winter is coming, sweet valley girl.

    and soon the white walkers who bring with them black ice. wind chill.

    and all this green grass and leafy trees and happiness

    flees to california

    where it’s safe.

    she says lets move here.

  7. Friday, September 14, 2018

    the truth about the author 

    a long time ago i had a beautiful and insightful girlfriend named Ashley.

    one of her complaints about me was that she said i was never satisfied.

    when she said it i didn’t believe it. ive always thought of myself as laissez-faire, chill, and laid back.

    but now that amber and i have lived together for over a year, im beginning to see the wisdom in young ashley’s critique.

    amber actually IS chill. she doesn’t complain about squat except if i have the tv on when shes trying to sleep. thats all.

    me, i have a long list of things i want her to do, unasked for advice about her job, i’ll even take over the cooking when i see she’s not using 2x the amount of water thats necessary when shes making rice-based dishes.

    is there any wonder ive been a bachelor my entire life? who could withstand such a barrage of negative blather from the man who was advertised as someone who allegedly doesnt give AF.

    apparently i do. apparently i want everything a certain way. when you look at my house you dont see the results of a detail-orientated fellow, but if you live with me for more than a week, real tony shows up and HE HAS NOTES.

    i hereby apologize to all of my girlfriends who had to withstand this. it’s not pretty, it’s not fun. it’s not funny.

    im gonna get amber a bell, i want her to ring it every time i whine about something stupid.

    maybe i will get her two.

  8. Thursday, September 13, 2018

    i save my reading for listening 

    as i drive around this fair city i enjoy having others read to me

    Morrissey’s autobiography was a delight mostly because Moz is an exceptional writer

    and it makes me feel like i should stop watching so much TV and start reading

    you know, actual books

    because when you hear someone lie Morrissey explain things or describe things

    and every sentence is so descriptive with analogies and metaphors that come from ancient scrolls

    and legendary literature and you’re all, wait was that original or a Shakespearian quote

    you feel equal parts excited and ignorant.

    i also liked that he just wanted England to love him and it didnt. not like LA or Mexico or Scandinavia.

    here people would dress like him and scream his lyrics right back at him and fill up this one and that one

    theyd damn near riot, but in his beloved UK they’d barely bat their lashes

    i also like that his record labels barely supported him and no one knew what to do with his successes.

    it is a pattern that i have seen in my own life: some people and organizations are built for mediocrity

    they have zero interest in wild success, all they want to do is keep on keeping on.

    they don’t want failure, but in an odd way they feel more comfortable with a hiccup or two

    than they are huge accomplishments.

    they’re terrified of breaking records, leading the pack, or breaking through to the new thing.

    here The Smiths and Morrissey were selling hand over fist – even when the group broke up, yet the labels were far more willing to spend endless amounts of time and effort into the unproven and even failed,

    than they were to the quirky vegetarian straight edge asexual exception to the rule.

    in the book he even says that Michael Stipe has always wanted to go solo.


  9. Saturday, September 8, 2018

    im not dead, im doing things 

    and for me doing things takes a little time. i can knock out certain things quickly but when i care about them time goes so quickly to catch up with my mind

    im on schedule. have no fear. but when i do stuff i think about three or four steps ahead which is cool except it makes me stumble on the step im currently on.

    ive asked the young kids i used to work with what their thoughts are on Adderall because i saw a movie on Netflix about how every kid in college is on it because it helps them focus and they had mixed reviews.

    they said sure if you wanna clean your room in a night or paint details on a huge blank wall. but you can get addicted, it’s not cheap, and it fucks up your sleep. i’ll just stick to bad music, incense and Mexicokes.

    been dropping off Birds at 5am. im a weirdo. it pays ok. a little less than Uber and for some reason it uses up more gas than i expected but it sends me into alleys and back ways and bizarre parts of LA that i wouldnt normally go to.

    ran into two gay guys last night in hollywood. one of them was pulling up his pants. so much love out there. or hookers. hard to tell sometimes. whatever, love it is.

    speaking of Love one thing i love about Hollywood is how you will see a perfectly good Ma & Pa Kettle house made of wood, with a porch and a brick fireplace right next to a 19 story modern hotel right next to a McMansion. everyone in their place. everyone wanting to be somewhere else. bigger, shinier, more secluded. more rocking. bigger pool.

    i just wanna always feel like everythings ok. and right now its pretty ok.

    speaking of Love, 20 years ago today Hole came out with Celebrity Skin named after the magazine or glam band or JK long live courtney.