busblog

a saturn right outta college

then an explorer

then a two seater quasi sports car that i gave to this poor black kid, which i just remembered

d’monde was his name. that car smelled funny. not bad, but just funny. so fast.

then i rode the bus for years and years.

i dated some of the prettiest girls during that time, and started this very blog.

for some reason waited until i was canned till i bought a nissan from yr pal ken, a sentra,

and then gave that to americas sweetheart, danielle, down in san dieger because she was broke and i wasnt

bought a brand new tits out camaro ss fully loaded because mid life not-so-crisis.

traded that in for the uber mobile ford

and then yesterday traded that for some german engineering, also for uber

but as far as the xbi thinks, for them.

they love benzes in hollywood because they blend in.

theyre begging me not to transfer the vanity plates but i dont work for them no matter what they say.

they’re promising me so much money if i just end the joke of an undercover agent telegraphing to the world that we’re right there.

it would be like if an undercover cop had a license plate that said police on it.

but crooks are dumb, as has been proven zillions of times, and half of them dont even know who the xbi is

any more.

which is another thing the xbi loves.

and even though this ride is a step back technologically, navigationally, gas mileagely, and back seat actioney,

it is nice to be lower to the ground and hear a damn engine again.

desperately need the rear view camera fixed though because i got spoiled actually knowing how close i am to the car behind me is when im parallel parking.

started at 8 because i went to the mercedes dealer to see if i could trade my ford in for one of their german luxury cars which would allow me to upgrade uber levels and charge double on every ride.

dude said yes but he wouldnt know for sure until tomorrow.

tipped the valet $3 and started ubering.

was worried about the new Uber Pool because i didnt know how it really worked but eventually learned that the app will tell you if theres another person for pickup ready (and where) and all of that, but strangely it never asks the passengers how many are in their party and the only pool i drove last night were three drunk guys from the midwest and then two confused asian guys who ended up canceling because hi, you cant fit 5 passengers into an uber.

did a lot of short rides but also had some long ones and surges. drove till 3am.

– drove some moms with seafood breath from delmonicas right next to the beach through west LA, listening to them talk about baseball practice and whose mom brings what treats and what a relief in one league no one brings any.

– took the manager of amoeba records from his home in a predominantly black neighborhood to a rock show in hollywood. was very impressed that he lived there bc i dont know of any white ppl living there. and its smart bc it’s a good 35% cheaper. we had a great chat about LP sales in places like amoeba. he says it’s a good chunk of their business.

– picked up four party girls from santa monica to a house party in west hollywood. couldnt be cuter. we mostly talked about chrissy tiegen.

– the midwestern boys were on vacation and were staying at the not horrible Dunes motel near the freeway. even though theyd been thrown into some seedy parts of hollywood and dtla they thought LA was beautiful.

– some drunk guys at 2am made me wait as they got street dogs near my favorite DTLA bar Down And Out. I told them if they spilled any food or puked that the ride was over. I was very clear. Two of the guys looked scary, but i was gonna trade in the Ford in mere hours. Before we drove 5 blocks the guy in the back passed his half eaten dog to the guy in the front and it spilled right next to me and I stopped the car and said get out. Cursing, threats ensued but fellas, lemme tell you about the xbi using sign language. as i was driving off they threw their remaining dogs at my car and i screeched to a stop. fortunately for all of us it was surging even higher and i got back in my car and later wiped the ketchup from my window.

– took the smartest cutest young lady originally from shanghai from a late night dance club to midwilshire and we talked about global economics and how chinese people dont trust chinese businesses selling them coffee or fried chicken and thus starbucks and kfc dominate. i said i smell a huge business opportunity and esped a wedding proposal to her and her fuzzy hat.

thoughts:

1. so wait, they were Both high class hookers?

2. because he looks like her brother that made her wanna jump in his bed (literally) the first night they meet?

3. that asian man was Mickey Rooney?

4. that was an amazing stunt cat!

5. people really used to dance at parties?

6. liquor delivery? incredible!

7. that sales clerk at Tiffany’s answered every question beautifully

8. if she’s a hooker, what exactly does she spend her money on? her place is barren!

9. in prisons you can just hang out with the bad guys? and bring any guest you want?

10. that cat really felt ok with going back with Audrey right after she abandoned him?

11. these are hookers who steal?

12. this is a romantic movie?

13. how many times are they gonna play that song? a million?

14. no burglars ever use the fire escape to break into apartments… in NEW YORK CITY?

15. why are we supposed to like Audrey Hepburn? cuz she looks good in a hat and weighs zero pounds?

16. whats so special about this guy other than his hair?

17. everyone wore suits back in the day, no matter where they went or what they were doing. so glad i didnt live back then.

18. WHERE THE BROTHERS AT?

19. wow, her apartment had super high ceilings.

20. they seriously let little girls watch this?

lol

last night my mom chris jeanine and i went to kanpai and had a great time.

it was actually super fun and it was real nice to share with everyone all the good things

like melt in your mouth sushi fish

magically delicious vegetables

and a lobster roll where the lobster tells you exactly what to do to get the most out of it

everyone was happy because jeanine is recovering so well and shes so alive and so great again

we were also in the glow of the oscars which i was so lucky to share with chris and ma

on our drive through LA we saw big houses and talked and talked and talked

it  was so nice.

then i had to drop of chris and we cried inside cuz we still have a magic bond

and shes still so beautiful and sweet

and im still a tshirt wearing dope.

then me and mom had an hour to kill so we went up and down the beach and then it was time for her to fly back to the snow

so she did

and i drove home and ordered a pizza and passed out cuz i was tired.

im so lucky to have so many special people in my life and they got to hang for a little together.

now, back to work

mom wasnt thrilled that it was raining on her as she and the truest and i walked one city block from the hotel to the red carpet, and i dont blame her.

glamour and luxury and fairytales are interwoven in the myths and pretty tales we hear about when talking about hollywood’s biggest night,

but one of the things ive tried to point out in the busblog is for every dash of beauty and magic that you find in LA, theres just as much dirt and weirdness and excrement.

and sometimes it really does rain on you on your way to the carpet.

heavy, sidewise, cold rain not in the morning when no one was here, not at night when everyone was inside, but right at the worst possible time.

JK Simmons won the Oscar later that night, but he won Most Prepared, if you ask me because he had the biggest blackest hat I saw and his head never felt a touch of the wet stuff.

when we were finally on the carpet everything changed. there was protective plastic above us and stars alllll around us. the fans in the bleachers were loud and cheered mightilly for future Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne and fan favorite Michael Keaton.

mom got to see how short Kevin Hart really is, and Chris, rightfully advised us to walk a little slower and soak it all in.

highlights:

my mom said hi to Jennifer Hudson right before we got on the red carpet and told her she looked beautiful: the Oscar winner smiled and said thank you right back.

The night before the big show my mom was at the bar and complimented John Legend’s wife, Sports Illustrated cover model, Christie Tiegan by saying “your makeup is so good!” mom didn’t recognize her at all and said, “do you do other people’s makeup too? can you do ours tomorrow?”

just because i could get them into the Oscars didn’t mean i could score the best seats. they were way up in the rafters and mom asked if i should have gotten her binoculars. i panicked because she was right. i wondered how well theyd be able to see. but after the show she told me not only could she see perfectly but there were four tv screens above her all showing different camera angles.

one of the moments she loved the most, as did the world, was the performance of “Glory” by John Legend and Common. she said that from her seats she could see the singers marching towards the bridge and then across it in a better way than was broadcast on TV. she also said the sound was fantastic in the theater.

she loved Lady Gaga.

she didnt eat or drink during the show because she didnt want to have to get up to go to the bathroom.

chris, however, sampled many glasses of the complimentary champagne, just like i had a few years back.

afterwards the ladies went down to the hotel bar to party with the stars and guests of the stars who had also chosen to stay at the Loews while i continued to work, but this time at the Governors Ball.

i took some pictures for our Instagram account but was quickly told by my boss to relax and enjoy the good music of Will.I.Am, Sergio Mendes, and Solange Knowles, like Beyonce and Jay-Z were doing mere feet away. Heres a photo gallery of Getty Images on PopSugar from the Govs Ball.

got done around 1:30am, 15 hour day? mostly in a tux?

drove past this guy on the way home and was extremely grateful to have spent some of the day with two of my favorite ladies

and was happy that they seemed to have had a good time.

now in the morning, thanks to murphys law, the sun is shining bright, as theres not a cloud in the sky.

awesome.

it was a little crazy picking them up at the airport today because you never wanna leave the Oscars

BECAUSE HOW WILL IT GO ON WITHOUT ME RUNNING AROUND IT ALL DAY?

but i did, and it survived and chris and i even ate sushi as we waited for my mom to arrive

and now we are in the midst of things in Hollywood Blvd

soon we will be eating the kittens and petting thai food

i mean eating Thai food and petting Kittens!

ok, exhausted, must run

sorta busy, not that i dont love you.

i do.

you know i do.

i swear it.

didnt really care very much about any of the people

and especially not the little kid who got slapped.

and then he got slapped i was supposed to feel something?

the recipe in telling a story is super dooper easy:

introduce likable characters,

screw them over royally,

see if they can overcome it.

if they can, great, if they cant

better.

the problem with the first episode is who cares about the overachieving yuppie guy

or his brother with the awkward crush on the babysitter?

the other problem is the bratty kid who got slapped is fake:

he is always mean to everyone all the time

unless he is being breastfed by his mom even though he’s like 8.

the whole thing is in this alternate universe that we’re supposed to understand and relate to but sorry, these are tv figments

they will go live in their own unwatched universe and something will happen that i will never know about and thats ok with me.

fuckers even went so far as to pretend there are still

actual, physical airline tickets any more.

as if.

we had just witnessed the first portion of the red carpet get laid out on hollywood blvd.

it had been unseasonably warm all week but the little chill was returning

but only at night

which it was becoming.

through the day we had to do some fun, and weird assignments

“had to” is the wrong phrase, “get to” is better.

for some reason i enjoyed it all. had a great day.

im older than everyone in the world.

security guard guy said, when you were 22 did you think youd be doing this?

but he said it like sarcastically, like what we were doing was lame.

i thought working for the biggest tv show in the world?

the most prestigious arts company ever.

coolest award you could ever get.

and i was all, no, when i was 22 i thought at this age

id be selling out wearing a suit

driving a station wagon.