nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, August 20, 2014

    how CNN could make a gazillion dollars without even really trying 


    it seems to me that no one really understands the constitution

    or even the bill of rights.

    if I ran CNN i would TAKE MY TIME and produce a 50-part series

    about the history and the nitty gritty about the laws that govern us.

    spending extra time on those that most often get misunderstood.

    if Neil Degrasse Tyson can have a hit tv show explaining the science of the universe

    then CNN can have an award winning series about the constitution and the amendments

    produced in such a way to lay out what everything means.

    so that if you watched it all you’d never think that there could be a “free speech zone”.


  2. Tuesday, August 19, 2014
  3. one of the nice things about the xbi is they teach you how to spot lying 


    one of the bad things about learning that skill is you see how many people lie to you and it makes you sad

    it makes you feel like those people think youre so dumb youd never realize their terrible lies until it’s too late.

    you have to remember not to take it personally, but it’s a total personal attack.

    it’s saying youre a dumb dummy full of dumb and im so smart i can verbalize fiction minus footnotes

    and you’ll never know.

    its why many agents reprogram that part of their brains.

    they get tired hearing the little bell every time an intentional falsehood is levied.

  4. Monday, August 18, 2014

    ali was all lets go to the taco fest in east LA 

    ali and chris at the LA Taco Fest

    so i said chris lets go to the taco fest in east LA!

    he said si so ali go tix and we tapped up our tap cards and took the red line to the gold line

    empty beer garden

    and arrived at the 4th annual taco fest!

    this was the beer garden.


    tony pierce with modelo model

    after a few beers things started looking better but we werent there for beer

    tequila tasting

    it coulda been a mirage but magically a tequila tasting appeared in the beer tent

    but we werent there for tequila

    we were at the Taco Fest for TACOS!

    long taco fest lines

    unfortunately so were thousands of people and only 8 taco tents.

    so the lines were loco.

    at the temps were super hot.

    and the lines barely moved because apparently it takes forever to put meat on a taco

    spokesmodel with ice cream guy

    there were no lines to buy ice cream from the ringy dingy man

    or talk to the wireless spokesmodel with tube socks

    japanese white oak whisky

    but we’ve been around the block a few times and weirdly ALL of LA has tacos.

    so we split and drank some japanese white oak whiskey

    and thought about how weird it was that the only place you couldnt have a beer while you ate tacos


    so we went downtown to a place where you could play pinball and drink beer

    purple hair pinball girls

    a little place called 82 which is always packed at night, but in the day its air conditioned and lovely

    i am your father pinball guy

    your dad is even there and hes great at pinball

    ali drinking at the pinball place 82

    great call, Ali, thank you for taking us there

    ali and chris calling an audible

    so after the beers and shots and more beers Ali wanted to show us something she learned in Venice

    ali doing a handstand

    and we loved it.

  5. Sunday, August 17, 2014

    nothing in here is true, the early years 

    amber entering my car

    its true the xbi likes to interfere with your life. especially if they want you.

    and its ok to want things.

    i dont know if its gen x or what but sometimes you say to yourself i dont want nothin

    monk style low key. maybe you ride the bus

    maybe you blog on blogger.


    she was all, if you could do anything right now what would it be

    i said write a tv series called omg heaven

    about how the angels struggle to inspire divine intervention as they watch earth do its thing

    most of the time God wants to tinker, but the angels say lets just watch.

    and he loves them. so hes all k.

    early in the season you learn that some angels live on Earth

    and to screw with us, some of them, most of them, are named jesus

    or angel

    or amber.

  6. Saturday, August 16, 2014

    today is charles bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 


    last night i drove an 18 yr old kuwaiti kid from marina del rey to newport beach.

    hundred bucks.

    he sat in the front seat and told me about how in kuwait they’ll throw you in jail for life for having a beer

    if a girl dates a guy and they break up and dont get married then shes shunned forever

    that the worse thing you could do to you or your family is say youre an atheist.

    88 minute drive and the whole way was nonstop about the persian gulf, religion and politics as wiz kalifa bumped in the background.

    traffic was light, he had just been to six flags with his buddy, he wants to study engineering out here for college but it’s very hard he says for international students to get into a UC unless they have a 4.0 average.

    so, just like i did, he is going to take two years of junior college and transfer in that way.

    he says he loves LA, was not impressed by San Diego, was too young for Vegas, but thinks Dubai is the coolest place in the world.

    no offense sir, but their taxis are Bentleys.

    i dropped him off at a swanky hotel near fashion island and watched as cars unloaded with the most amazing young women in outfits i had not seen in hollywood.

    and i was, salaam alaikum, g

    and he was like alaikum salaam

  7. Friday, August 15, 2014

    Uber must include Tips in the App NOW 


    A while back when Uber started they incorporated something called “Tips Are Included”, which is cute and plausible back before the ridesharing company started slashing prices and raising their commissions.

    A year ago a ride from Hollywood to LAX in a taxi would typically cost about $70 and that same ride via Uber would cost about $50. The Uber ride would be in a cleaner car, a bottle of water would be available, charging devices would be there for your dying iPhone, and thanks to the Uber App after the ride was over the fare would be instantly deducted from the passengers’ credit card.

    Thus the ride to the airport was cheaper and “better” via Uber and the company could say the tip was included.

    A year later that same ride cost a mere $30 with Uber and in a few weeks it will cost even less. The company claims the price cuts will encourage more passengers to use the service which will give the drivers more rides and thus make everyone more money. But the truth is a driver can only make so many trips in an hour – and will more than likely make less money during those hours than they would have a year ago, even if there are more passengers.

    Why? Because It still takes time to get to the passenger and time waiting for them to get to the car and then time for the ride to be completed. Meanwhile Uber is smiling like a pig in [mud] because they are making the same (or more) commission than they did on each ride a year ago, they are now charging the drivers for use of the phone used to connect them to passengers, and other nickels and dimes end up in their pockets and not in the drivers.

    The tips are included. But they are all tips going to Uber, not the drivers.

    Now that the typical ride from Hollywood to LAX is considerably less, it’s time to stop pretending that the driver has this magical tip baked into the fare, because they don’t. Plus, by definition a tip is something the customer determines AFTER the service has been rendered. The cashless Uber model is ideal, and thus should be implemented into the Uber App so that if a passenger experiences a pleasant, clean, fast, enjoyable $27 ride from Hollywood to LAX during rush hour traffic and wants to flow their driver $5 they should be able to do it with a click of a button.

    But Uber has not allowed this.

    One can only imagine it is because there is no immediate business incentive for them to do it.

    But that is short sided. For if they can advertise that they have the lowest rates AND if they can attract and retain educated, intelligent, drivers BECAUSE at the end of the day the drivers are being rewarded financially, then the fleet of Uber drivers will maintain the level of quality it now sees.

    Once the profit motive leaves the driver ranks and the only people who can afford to drive relatively new cars around cities are those willing to work for close to minimum wage, the quality will drop and Uber will have shot themselves in the foot with greed.

    Now is the time to implement tipping while the quality of drivers is still here and the prices are substantially lower than taxis: who also get tipped.

  8. Thursday, August 14, 2014

    i was all whattya wanna see? she said how about Mrs. Doubtfire? 

    fisher king

    but for some reason Netflix doesn’t have it. Obama!

    so i was like, have you seen The Fisher King? she was all, never even heard of it.

    i said oh it was directed by the guy who made the Monty Python movies and it’s a little weird.

    she went, lets get weird.

    so ordered some chinese, put on some movie-watching clothes, hypnotized the kittens to fall asleep

    and was disappointingly underwhelmed with how The Fisher King has held up over the years.

    for some reason i remember it being trippier and weirder and… deeper than it felt last night.

    totally forgot that Jeff Bridges’ character was a Howard Stern ripoff (tribute?)

    and was bummed that a lot of the zest and creativity from Brazil, Time Bandits, and Baron Munchausen wasn’t there.

    the young lady fell asleep after a few hours and woke up for the end

    and yours truly also was lured to the land of nod before the film was over.

    not at all what i would have expected from a Robin Williams movie directed by Terry Gilliam.

    Williams, however, was terrific, but was pretty much just Robin Williams.

    not that theres anything wrong with that, but come on bros!

  9. Wednesday, August 13, 2014

    if i like you im gonna say something mean to you at some point 

    amberi dont know why. maybe its a defense mechanism.

    maybe its the devil getting one last shot out to try to prevent me from happiness.

    maybe it’s a misguided angel in me trying to stop me from trying something new that might break my heart.

    over the years right before most people would ask a girl to be their girlfriend i sabotaged the moment in many silly ways.

    ive told girls i didnt like their bodies. ive told girls i thought they werent dirty enough. and ive told some they were too dirty.

    anything just so i could retreat back to my comfort zone, which ironically wasnt always that comfortable.

    this summer ive been going to some really fun concerts with one amber smith blog.

    the devil inside of me tried very hard to figure out ways to end our growing friendship by telling me she’s too tall, too nice, too sexy, and finally it told me shes too good to be true.

    thats when i knew i had a winner.

    so i took her to the cubs game to see if my friends liked her. i didnt care what they thought. but they liked her.

    so afterwards i told her i didnt want to see her again.


    and i wasnt kidding.

    it was a tough phone call because we both clearly liked each other very much and had lots in common, most of all the weird trait of just letting people be who they are.

    she had spent time at the LA Times, she lived near my work, she even partied in Isla Vista. she knew a lot of who i was all about.

    thus she had to get lost.

    then she texted me and said, well can i still see eminem and rihanna with you?

    and being a man of my word i said, of course. and i drove to the beach and took her up the 405 during rush hour and over the 118 and we made it to the Rose Bowl just in time and she was the prettiest girl in the whole place and the very quiet angel who is usually napping woke up and said are you crazy? she is exactly the person you need to be seeing more of, not less.

    and one thing led to another and this morning i said, ok so what do you want me to change?

    she said, nothing youre fantastic.

    i said im fat. she said take that back.

    i said my clothes are all from the sears clearance rack.

    she said then dont wear clothes.

    i said my apartment is always dirty.

    she said, its full of love.

    i said i cant dance well.

    she said those are all moves we havent seen before.

    so i said so do you wanna be my gf

    and she smiled and kissed me and when i got a break at work i made it facebook official.

    and after work imma go to kmart to buy some new clothes.

  10. Tuesday, August 12, 2014

    I’m on Jury Duty 


    I’m really sleepy cuz I had to be here at 7:45am and when ppl ask me how I stay looking so young I tell them two things:

    You’re only as young as your girlfriend feels.


    I don’t wake up at ungodly hours.


    The best part of jury duty of course is you get to keep your community civilized.

    The second best part is you get to have lunch with your friends who work downtown.


    Today I will get to eat with young Sarah A. who worked for me way back in the LAist days.

    We have a lot to catch up on.


    We might even talk about this very tragic death.