nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 5, 2015

    picked up the saddest girl at the rose bowl saturday night 

    taylor swiftas soon as she pinged me she called me to make sure i knew where she was

    which was really smart because for some reason the people at the rose bowl are still freaking out that uber is a real thing that thousands of the 80,000 people want to use after a game

    and thus its a damn zoo over there with tons of road blocks and one ways only and curvy nonsense

    and people on a golf course waiting next to signs with numbers on it

    and the smallest gate to get our cars through.

    i said i’ll be there in four minutes stay right there.

    i had driven all the way to pasadena hopefully to get someone who wanted to go back to westwood

    found her, realized it was only gonna be a 15 minute ride, but was ok with it because i could get back there and maybe get a longer ride.

    i asked her how her night was and she tried to be cheery but immediately admitted that it wasnt good.

    she texted a little and while she did i could hear her sobbing quietly

    and then not so quietly.

    i turned up the music a little because she was depressing the hell outta me.

    i havent heard a teenage girl weep in quite a while.

    its way worse than i remember it.

    it was very real.

    maybe because i hear fake crying on tv and in movies all the time but this wasnt fake.

    i wanted to give her advice like,

    now you know!

    but all i could think of was: feel those feelings


    feel them!

  2. Sunday, October 4, 2015

    american apparel is going bankrupt tomorrow 

    michael being michael

    this is what happens when you take a mans dream and vision and think you can fix it.

    sometimes theres nothing to fix.

    sometimes you just need to chill a lil.

    the first couple of springsteen albums didnt sell very much.

    they were gonna drop him right before born to run came out.

    today they woulda dropped him way before born to run.

    bruce woulda gotten greetings from asbury park today and if it didnt do gangbusters

    he’d be gone.

    maybe hed self produce the wild and the innocent but theres no way he woulda had a chance to do born to run on columbia’s dime.

    the bankruptcy judge should say dov you’re crazy, but you Are american apparel

    and we need a factory like yours in downtown LA

    and then just lets them refinance but only if dov gets his company back

    the end!

  3. Saturday, October 3, 2015

    my man matt welch was on bill maher last night 

    matt welch with bill maher and the black astronomer

    i was doing shots on the roof of a DTLA hotel the other night and i was talking to a beautiful surgeon

    she was actually the girlfriend of the video guy

    and i asked her, have you ever seen anyone make a mistake in the operating room?

    she said sure

    i said what did you say?

    she said, well i know what i Didnt say. i Didn’t say oops.

    she said, that’s the only word you’re not allowed to say in the O.R.

    and then we cheersed to the Video Guy

  4. jeanine and i saw van halen last night at the hollywood bowl 

    van halen at the hollywood bowl

    dave is a goofball, eddie is a maestro, alex is an animal and young wolfgang totally shreds on bass

    they have an arsenal of classic riffs and crowd pleasing hits

    millionaires several times over and rightfully so

    and yet at the bowl they had the cheesiest graphic display behind the drums ive ever seen.

    was it a parody? were they being sarcastic?

    was it all a sinister hack by Anonymous?


    hollywood bowl sangria

    the Bowl played along by busting with some performance art of their own

    “who would pay so much money for such a thing? find out in this weeks episode of ‘$28 Sangria!'”

    pope shirts, ive got your pope shirts right hereand seriously, van halen sounded terrific and it’s great to see this line up

    back at home, looking full of life

    but then i met this guy who looked exactly like Barry Bonds selling Pope tshirts

    i said i want your shirt

    he said i cant sell you this shirt

    i asked why

    he said because i got this there

    i said id pay double

    he said i saw him.

    i said it reminds me of something id give a catholic raiders fan’s teenage daughter

    he said, i saw him.

    it was jeanines second trip to the bowl in as many days having just seen duran duran on thursday.

    as we walked up the hill towards the entrance of the bowl she was telling me how great the fab five were and how fun it was and what the people were wearing and all the songs she hadnt realized she knew and all the types of people were there and how solid the band sounded

    and we got to our seats and the lights dimmed and van halen played about two minutes of Runnin with the Devil and she said,


    this is way better.

  5. Friday, October 2, 2015

    i always get a little sad when i dont win the jumbo lottery jackpot 

    silver lake stay young get stonednow how am i gonna buy my mom a new car?

    i know what the answer is. the answer is waking up at 5am and driving in the mornings. its the only time competition is low and demand is high.

    only problem is, the best way to make money is to drive people to work at surge rates. but do i really want to buy my mom a car on the backs of people who are paying $$$ just to get to work?

    true they have choices. they could wait for the surges to end. they could take the bus. they could carpool. they could simply exchange baked goods for hostages.

    the other day i had a guy who lived 1.2 miles away from his work in century city. he said he was doing an experiment to see how much it would take to uber every day to work. for some reason he wanted to take a mercedes back and forth every day. when we arrived at his house the fare was $10.90. so he said, ok so it will be $21 a day to commute.

    he said that a parking spot at his building was $240 a month, but he didnt want to pay them any more than what he was paying and he is only at the office a few days a week. i asked him if he met clients at his office. he said no.

    i said, do you have a bicycle? he said yes but he didnt want to ride a bicycle a mile, even though the main street had bike lanes or he could ride through the residential streets of westwood.

    sometimes i feel completely detached from the world. i dont understand how people think. either theyre not giving me all the info or they cray or i cray or

    and i think of the beginning of the bible, the only book i read every week. and i think God said you do you adam and eve just dont eat from that tree. and they listened to a snake and ate from that tree.

    you had one rule.

    so the guy doesnt want to ride his bike to work. doesnt want to walk neither. i wanted to tell him that even if he walked each way he wouldnt get all of his steps in.

    and i really wanted to tell him that if he just took Uber X each way it’d only be like $4 each way.

    but some people just want to do them. even if that is the craziest most fucked up thing there is.

    and thats how Ted Cruz gets millions of dollars from the rich to run for president.

  6. Thursday, October 1, 2015

    umpqua oregon in the news 

    umpquait’s not like its the most beautiful place in the world

    that distinction goes to isla vista

    but it was a place i instantly felt at home in.

    umpqua is quiet and green with curvy roads and trees trees trees

    a river literally runs through it

    its called the umpqua river.

    it’s cold and surprisingly deep and swift, you should watch yourself

    trees fall down and deers dart around and wild turkeys stumble as the fog rolls in

    a tv personality you know was sent to portland earlier today to cover the historic news

    that recreational marijuana became the law of the land in oregon today but he was suddenly instructed to head to roseburg because an asswipe went into the umpqua community college and killed a bunch of people.

    i believe judgement day includes a part where the good lord says

    did you trust that i was going to take care of you and were calm and happy

    or did you act as if i didnt ever exist and you lived in fear the whole time?

    this country is too old to be so invested in little time bombs that blow

    far too often.

    and our souls are too pure to be hiding behind destruction

    while claiming that we are children of god.

    if i was congress id make a law that said only women can have guns

    and if a man is caught with one, he goes to jail for 33 years.

    men have proven they cannot responsibly deal with guns,

    so men should man up and hand their weapons over to those who have proven they can.

  7. turns out theres gonna be an uber strike this month for a weekend 

    uber strikeim not sure how i feel about it

    on one hand it would be very nice to have a tip button on the app

    and clearer instructions to the passengers about our ratings (like tell them that anything other than a 5 is bad)

    and it would be nice to communicate with Uber that all of these price cuts freak us out and make us feel stupid for buying cool cars after they tell us we could make $75k a year driving for them.

    personally i dont want to be their employee, i dont want or need benefits, and i dont care that they dont pay for gas

    but it would be nice if they reimbursed us for water and car washes every now and then.

    and for sure i think that for every month that we drive we should get $50 in uber credit to use being passengers

    but thats not why drivers are striking

    drivers are striking because any time we try to communicate with the company we dont really get heard

    or it seems like we dont really get heard.

    sometimes the responses we get via the emails dont even read like they were written by humans

    it feels like they bought robot email answering machine and unless you go crazy you’ll never get a real response.

    will i participate in the strike? i dont know. when i sold beers at Candlestick for the Giants i was part of a union and even though uber isnt a union i would feel weird being a scab during a strike.

    also, not a lot of drivers are as fortunate as i am. i have a real FT gig with benefits. if i decided not to drive that weekend i would really be supporting the FT uber drivers more than myself. i wouldnt mind that. it feels good to help someone else.

    also it might ultimately make Uber a better company. theyve never explained to anyone why theres no tip button (Lyft has one and passengers love Lyft just as much – if not more – than Uber… and they tip their drivers). likewise the ratings are confusing.

    the company has made so many good improvements to the GPS of the app over the years it almost rubs the salt in our wounds because we know how much we’d make off that tip button and it seems almost mean not to put it in there.

    for us. their so-called Partners.

    i do need to drive more and i would make a killing that weekend with everyone not driving, but right now im leaning towards not driving because in my heart it feels like the best thing to do in the long run, for everyone.

  8. Wednesday, September 30, 2015

    jim carrey’s girlfriend killed herself, she was 28 

    Cathriona Whitesuicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.

    i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.

    everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”

    and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.

    and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.

    the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.

    jim carrey and his ex girlfriendthings did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.

    we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.

    we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.

    but no one sees what we’re seeing.

    holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?

    and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.

    what is the soundtrack repeating?

    is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?

    or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?

    does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul

    Cathriona Whitestriking at the worst moments

    thumping when we should be laughing

    slicing us with a million cuts?

    its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.

    we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and

    to be reflections of heavenly love.

    when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.

    try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.


    so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone

    in honor of Cathriona

    and love will have the last word.