nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, July 27, 2015

    picasso was never called an asshole 

    picassowhen youre young you never worry about your health, your retirement fund, or obama spying on your skype chats

    but when you get older that kink in your back lingers, your hands have to be treated with kid gloves

    and you have to watch out getting out of the couch too quickly or you’ll throw something out.

    it’s no way to live and makes you feel like youre gonna die.

    heres the things i wanna do and know before i publish my last post:

    did i really live. did i really love.

    did all the unique stories that i could tell get told.

    will the good Lord be happy that i walked and talked and rocked around this beautiful crust.

    or was all of this a terrible waste.

    picasso worked and worked and everything in his workshop was beautiful AND looked like picassos.

    there was a time when the things i wrote looked like ee or bukowski or william carlos williams

    and then the motors started humming and not only was it all about the busblog but ppl started imitating



    but was i saying anything? was i telling the good news of the Lord? was i shining a light on LA in a different way than everyone else who has come here and lived?

    before i croak theres a lot more secret stories that i feel uncomfortable telling even on this blog that i want to tell because they were important to me.

    i always thought id start at 50 years old because thats when bukowski did it but sadly working for the xbi has made it so rough on my body i have no idea if i’ll make it to 50.

    so i need to start writing those things down sooner than later or else who else will write them?

    those are the things i worry about on a monday morning when the hot water heater is busted and i look forward to a cold shower on a summer day in 2015.

    glad im alive and fixing to be super aware of errything.

  2. Sunday, July 26, 2015

    yesterday was the day, boy 


    all weekend really. friday i picked up two black lesbian dominatrixes from their nail appointment in beverly hills.

    we drove to south central and they told me about the femme-ey ones sugar daddy

    and how he likes to wear her panties because its been so close to privates.

    it was uber x and it was surging so i was making decent money and they wanted to stop off to get some money at a house

    then go to the smoke shop then go home. all the way we were listening to power 106

    talking about how we liked rihanna over beyonce, eminem over jay-z

    these were my people. i was their man. but they didnt need no man.

    only man they needed was the guy paying for the uber as we drove an hour across town.

    then i met a mexican director who i picked up at the riot house.

    he told me that leo dicaprio will win an oscar.

    not this, but next, antonio.

    downtown LA

    everything i tried worked. the music sounded good. my hands didnt get sore.

    i barely peed. and when i did i did it from an overpass in downtown.


    do you let people do coke in your car? the tougher looking black girl said.

    i said, i was put reflect freedom.

    she said, am i crazy to let my girl get with old rich white men?

    i said, we are nobody’s. we are everybody’s.

    uh huh!

    seriously, im 100% into this ride. i dont want to be with anyone else.

    but when we’re done, i’ll miss you, i’ll think about you and you.

    but whoever’s next i’m with them, one hundred.

    shouldnt i be?

    the snooty fox

    but then yesterday. oh man, yesterday.

    i liked to be out there at 8am on saturdays. airport runs. but i slept in. i was turrred.

    my body’s all confused from drinking then not drinking coke.

    i was on a strict one can a day diet. but then i read all this nonsense about

    just how bad it is to drink even one can of coke a week!

    so i got out there at 11am and i was rolling.

    i had only made $175 all week and i really wanted closer to $400 because i was about to buy my tickets to chicago in september

    and i wanted to fly Virgin and not Spirit.

    for some reason i decided to go downtown since i had such fun there on friday.

    soon as i get there i get a ping from a hotel and its a nice couple from santa fe springs

    who want to go to the Grove.

    they were having a cute staycation in the big city.

    they wanted to do all the things they never did when they were in college here.


    but the best ride was also the one where i got the lowest rating.

    some guy ordered a porn star hooker to come down to this beach resort an hour away

    she was wearing this see thru number, looked amazing.

    she texted the whole time and made a few phone calls. it was from them that i deduced her profession.

    we barely talked which is sad because i was super curious about her and i had picked up another porn star on her block about a year ago.

    do they own the whole block?

    pretty much the only thing we talked about in any depth was which way to go.

    waze was telling me to take La Cienega through Inglewood

    but the way she was dress, and the fact i knew the Phish show was about to let out, thus heavy traffic

    plus i knew the 10 to the 405 would be way faster, made me ask

    hey do you mind if i take the freeway?

    she said she didnt care.

    naturally when we approached the fancy resort she got a text from the dude who ordered her

    and me

    that i had “taken the long way”.

    after checking my last rides, sure enough, i got 7 5-star reviews, 1 4-star (you cant win em all), and 1 1-star

    i guess that was the guy who was mad that his smoking hot hooker pornstar

    cost him $118 just for the ride.

    and chose to take it out on my ratings.

    girls girls girls

    an hour from hollywood to rancho pv on a saturday night is “the long way”?

    it was Only an hour and i even pulled over at a gas station to buy her a pack of gum

    because she didnt have her ATM card on her.

    she had very little on her.

    after i dropped her off i figured what the heck maybe someone is trying to get out of this gorgeous sea side resort

    and boom, a mom, her son, and his girlfriend had just spent all day there at a wedding

    so we uber x’ed it a half hour away and i made another $10

    used that money on jack in the box and took the 110 back to DTLA for one more ride.

    got lucky by taking some sweet kids from the Nokia, sorry, the Microsoft Theatre to Sunset Junction

    aka right by my house.

    the Lord was looking out for me, thats for sure.

    and i ended the week with $450.

    so i bought the tickets.

  3. Friday, July 24, 2015

    never surrender 

    heidi on the red carpeti had lunch yesterday with the glamorous heidi who used to do sales for the la times and metromix. we talked about the good and bad things regarding our favorite local paper and how sad it was that so many of the mistakes would have been so easy to overcome.

    many were rooted in the fundamentals: lack of honest communication, trust, and courage.

    politics plays a big role, which is also sad. and makes me think that all of these things should be taught in high school because they will follow you anywhere you work.

    then she talked about how guys dont want to settle down, and focused on the word settle, which is something i never considered before. the negative of that word means you are deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone who isnt your top choice. but the positive is like what a house does: roots itself into a stronger foundation.

    i dont think anyone should do the negative thing. people should remain optimistic. only be with others who you click with in regards to romantic relationships. there are waaaay too many good souls out there, why sell out for ppl who dont give you butterflies? why commit to those who you’re just going to bicker with forever?

    life is so short, the options are so plentiful, history tells us so much. the stats show how many marriages end in divorce. havent we learned that thats because so many of us get hitched for the wrong reasons?

    never settle when talking about long term commitments.

    my long time blog buddy keira-anne is in town with her new husband and it’s so nice to see that because she held out for the right man for her, she ended up with a solid dude. a fire fighter, a canadian, and a gentleman. it can happen. it Does happen. but it can only happen if you allow the options to make its way to you.

    quiet company plays today in silver lake. they’ll make you believe in greatness.

  4. Thursday, July 23, 2015

    why westwood is screwed 

    westwood back in the day

    in order to rest my arms and wrists i only ubered once yesterday, but it was a good one.

    picked up this real estate guy in beverly hills and we drove to hollywood and talked LA real estate, specifically westwood nearly all the way.

    he lives in westwood so he had a personal stake in my question which was: how on Earth could somewhere like the Westwood Village be surrounded by so much affluence and yet struggle in the commercial district?

    he said it has been a perfect storm of two things

    there was a driveby shooting infront of a dance club 25 years ago and the neighbors overreacted and imposed all these rules on businesses in westwood that disallowed live music, pool tables, dancing, and pretty much anything that would attract

    a certain element

    from coming into the village and repeating the thing that happened a generation ago.

    the other thing was he said one family owns 90 percent of the commercial real estate up and down westwood blvd in the village. and that family does not care one bit if there are vacancies. it’s all a tax write off and meanwhile they can charge exorbitant rents and some will pay but others will say forget it and go somewhere else.

    he also said that todays UCLA student studies waaaay more than the students in the 80s and therefore they dont care that theres no dance clubs or bars or anything other than Pho, Diddy Reese, and In n Out. they made it into their top school and theyre gonna graduate in four years.

    and those greek kids who Do like to party will just take an Uber to Hollywood and dance over there.

    thus Westwood is screwed, probably forever, and will never return as the center of fun in LA for young people.

    the end.

  5. Wednesday, July 22, 2015
  6. Tuesday, July 21, 2015

    my feature with John August is up on Oscars.org 

    big fish

    when im not instagramming, tumbling and snapchatting, im writing on our site.

    it’s a fun job but sometimes it can be Super fun.

    the funnest thing i’ve gotten to do in a while is interview the prolific John August who has written lots of cool movies like Go, both Charlies Angels, and grip of Tim Burton films including Frankenweenie.

    i work with an incredible team that made the feature ridiculously interactive and beautiful.

    Click here to see it and click all the things that you can because it’s great and i couldnt be prouder.

  7. took the night off, which is boring, but i was illin 

    hills housei like to work. i like to be moving. i like to meet people and help people and learn.

    when i was in college i had three jobs. when i moved to frisco i had three jobs.

    during LAist, the Times, and KPCC i had just one job but i spent all night working on those blogs because i was learning. (i also was freelancing with the xbi on occasion if they begged)

    now i only have two jobs. which is fine. im older. i need to learn how to relax. which is tough. because when i relax i fall asleep.

    so last night as you know my hands and back were hurting so i went out to the pool and put casablanca on the tv and just watched the moon and bogey do their thing.

    i felt like i was retired. i feel asleep outside. i barely touched my food. it didnt feel right. i like to be out there. whats the use of being in LA if youre not gonna be out there?

    if youre not gonna be out there why not just move to oregon where the land is cheap(er) and the homes are bigger and you can grow weed legally?

    but this morning my hands and my back feel better and im rested and the cats were happy to see me and jeanine was happy i was around and alls well.

    i do plan on seeing my doctor though because i feel like im too young for arthritis and i would hate to think that im actually hurting myself driving a freaking car.

    as if!

  8. Monday, July 20, 2015

    i am hurt, i am hurting, but it’s ok 

    white onlymy fingers, my wrists, even my back is all

    notice us, notice us, notice us.

    i put icy hot on my hands and arms, i have these great elastic sleeves i put on my arms

    but i lost one because im a slob.

    so i just alternate the one back and forth like a hobo.

    it only hurts when i drive which is sad because as you know i love driving.

    maybe i need a back support dealie. maybe i need under armour. maybe i need new arms.

    my cigarette lighter doesnt work any more. youd think the cigarette lighter in a mercedes would never break. its the thing that charges my cell phone as im driving.

    gas prices here in LA are at record highs.

    basically the entire universe is telling me not to drive but who’s going to be keira-anne’s tour guide.

    i can tour guide for tops three days a year and then i get burned out.

    on paper i could write the most amazing tour book about LA but not only dont i want to but it would be bizarre, filled mostly with various fast food establishments

    places to buy bukowski books

    and every movie theater and former record store in town.

    fine, i’ll write it.