nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 25, 2018

    weed is legal in california, and yesterday we were invited to a weed thing 

    trust me, i dont believe it either. i grew up thinking that even though weed never killed nobody and guns kill everyone, one of the strange dichotomies of the world would be that guns would be legal and weed would not.

    forever and ever amen.

    but once colorado and then oregon didnt blow up in a spectacular explosion of OMG after they legalized Satan’s Sunflower, the floodgates opened and everyone with sense wanted their states to get in on the greenrush of the 21st century. not only was the tax money great but secretly many of these holier than thou nay sayers remember the time when they toked the sticky icky back in college and giggled and ate and fell asleep with stupid smiles.

    amber is more connected than you think and being a concierge at one of the fanciest hotels in 90210 has its perks. one of them is high class companies want to get in their heads so when VIPs ask things like “wheres a good sushi joint nearby” or “how can i score weed”? they will answer in an educated way.

    Dosit, formerly Hmblt, is a California weed company with a unique vapor pipe. For $45 you can get one of Dosit’s 6 different strains that will either slow you down, pick you up, or steer you into a mood somewhere inbetween. Unlike smoking the traditional way of pipe, bong, or apple, vaping produces no skunky smell. Thus fancy pants hotels LOVE them. (as do their fancy pants guests.)

    but what makes Dosit such a compelling device is it has this little vibrator in the pipe so you know when you have ingested the recommended dose. Thus you will never get “too high” if you just take one or two puffs. It’s weird to think that people need help to know when theyre doing too much, but people do. especially newbies or stoned people.

    last night’s meeting was at a fancy beverly hills rental house where delicious foods were served and beautiful members of the Dosit company explained its name change, the various strains, and all the ways hotels can connect their guests to these devices without having to actually sell them the units themselves.

    but best of all we got to taste the merchandise.

    Dosit has several strains with cute names like Bliss, Arouse, Passion, Sleep, and Relief, but the one that intrigued me the most was Calm.

    Calm has only trace amounts of THC (the natural element that gets you high) but a bunch of CBD that chills you out, especially if you are experiencing anxiety.

    one of the employees told me that sometimes people eat too many edibles or experience weed that is way too strong for them. the solution: a few puffs of Calm which will bring them back to Earth.

    so i tried some Passion, some Bliss, and when we were about to get into our Uber i puffed on some Calm to see if it brought me down. I can’t say it did (maybe I had had too much fun) but i loved the concept and will eagerly try it again if i ever do find myself in a perilous situation.

    the 200 hit pipes go for $125 making it a pretty decent value. and best of all if you return your spent weed pens to the place of purchase they will give you $5 back, thus all of this was recycling, which Mother Earth appreciates.

    i slept like a baby last night and woke up with a smile this morning. thanks Dosit!

  2. Tuesday, April 24, 2018

    why i dont care if you dont like this blog, by tony pierce 

    once you start caring what John thinks, you’re gonna care about what Paul, George and Ringo care.

    and fuck Ringo.

    once you start caring what Beyonce, Michelle, and Kendrick think, you’re gonna have to care about what Bruno thinks

    and fuck Bruno too.

    i dont mean that in a mean way i mean that in a Bruno shouldnt care what the busblog thinks either.

    people should just do their own things in as close to a vacuum as they can

    because before we know it we are going to be like Kansas: dust in the wind

    and the kids who see what little evidence we have of our existences are going to see what we wrote

    and if what we wrote was bullshit like OMG Trump Rulez or OMG USC helped South Central become what it is today

    well, those kids will laugh and dismiss you forever and your legacy will be tainted.

    however, if what you wrote was true and pure and honest and filled with soul and black girl magic then they will gobble all the rest of it up too.

    and they will see that one page of a great blog is different on each page and each month and each year.

    what you are reading is a 17 year work in progress. and it has progressed and changed and gone through ups and downs

    as it has grown and risen and flown and grown.

    thats what good things do.

    so if some fool takes a stab at one page and disregards the hundreds others, well

    fuck Ringo and Bruno and Hater 1 and Hater 2

    this aint for you anyways.

    this is for the far-aways.

  3. Monday, April 23, 2018

    hey siri, remember that time i gave a fuck? 

    drove two japanese girls from beverly hills to newport beach.

    they were quiet and shy and incredibly beautiful.

    talked super quietly to each other, giggled, checked their phones.

    usually a 90 minute ride would include colorful conversations, mutual discoveries,

    and beautiful tales from our unique walks through this so called life

    but i never pushed, and they never asked, so in 20 minutes they were snoozing in the back.

    i played the sirius venus channel quietly: modern tunes by women singers.

    traffic wasn’t bad and when we got there i asked quietly

    “is this a motel we are going to?”

    they said, even quieter, “yes the blah blah on the beach hotel”

    so i went where i was supposed to go, a little street that dead ended at the beach

    the sun was setting, but not in a spectacular way.

    i took the two huge suitcases out of the trunk and said, “im sorry you couldnt get closer”

    they laughed and weirdly there was no sign that said Hotel

    and they looked around and began wandering

    without their luggage!

    but i was already driving back out of the narrow street.

    hoping theyd find their hotel. hoping it was just a door or two away.

    i was in a rush to get back to the safety of hollywood.

    and on the way home i was sure they would give me a less than perfect rating because i didnt show them

    exactly to the door.

    but this morning i looked and voila

    they tipped me $20 on the $160 fare.

    arigato sleeping girls!

  4. the first rule of Uber is don’t pick up Uber Pool 

    the second rule is don’t ever pick up Uber Express Pool.

    these are the short-sided mantras left by inexperienced but extremely vocal drivers on Facebook Uber groups.

    any time someone posts a screenshot of a ride and it says Pool, or heaven forbid Express Pool, the overnight know-it-alls type brilliant things like Pools are for Fools.

    then they call each other Ants as a slur for dutifully picking up all rides for low pay.

    the truth however is more subtle. like in most things.

    hidden among the not-so-small print of the Pool Rules is if you pick up Rider A and it’s surging at 2.0x, then you will get a double fare for all the riders you pick up in that pool.

    So when i saw there was an express pool request coming out of CAA in Century City, I figured this fool wants to go to LAX super cheap, and I will be able to get a ride *from* LAX at 2x.

    or at least that would be a possibility that I would hope for.

    what i got was actually better.

    i picked up a very attractive young lady who turned out to be Molly Bloom’s lawyer. Bloom of course is the writer of Molly’s Game, one of my top 4 favorite films of last year.

    Mollys Game / Star Wars / Lady Bird / Florida Project

    she was headed to meet with Molly at a fashion designer’s daughter’s mansion atop a Beverly Hills hill.

    as we drove to the gated community she told me that she helped co-write certain aspects of the script with Aaron Sorkin.

    was that totally intimidating? i asked her of working with the lauded writer of the West Wing, Moneyball, Sports Night, and others.

    no, he was all ears and a total pro, she said.

    the thing about Uber is no one is going to get rich except Uber. the drivers will spend hours and hours and eventually wear their cars down to the nub, so the question is: did you learn anything, did you meet cool people, did you see cool things, and was it worth your money?

    when you get to spend 20 minutes with someone super interesting who can answer all of your little questions about one of your favorite films, that’s priceless to me.

    Me: OK in the film the poker games were at the Four Seasons on Doheny. Is that where they were?

    Her: At first they were at the Viper Room and when they got bigger we took them over to the Peninsula.

    Me: Was Michael Cera’s character really Tobey Maguire?

    Her: Yes.

    Me: Why not just use Tobey Maguire?

    Her: [Redacted]

    Friday after work I got a 2x surge of these two Japanese girls from Beverly Hills to Newport Beach. I ended up with $129. Everything evens out.

  5. Friday, April 20, 2018
  6. Thursday, April 19, 2018

    imagine not being trusted for anything 

    imagine people scared of you – of YOU – even though you were the one who was victimized a long time ago

    and forced to come over here and work for free

    and who built this city and country

    and, sure has an attitude sometimes BUT EVERYONE WOULDA

    and along the way you created rock, jazz, blues and hip hop

    taught everyone how to dance

    even how to dance backwards, spin on your head,

    and line dance

    dominated every sport

    imagine people didnt trust you because you were stronger, quicker, faster

    and dare this blog say

    smarter at times.

    is there a better church than a southern gospel church

    does creativity come out of you like a broken water main

    and style, imagine every time you do something that look gets copied not just in suburban malls, but all over the world.

    and yet people fear you, mistreat you, flinch whenever the sunlight shines in your eyes, and tell you to shut the fuck up whenever wisdom comes from your mouth

    when all you are trying to do is share the majesty that is inside of you

    with everyone.

    freedom is the one thing descendants of slaves hold more dear than anything

    for good reason.

    and yet at every turn that freedom is challenged.

    i wonder why.

  7. Wednesday, April 18, 2018

    what do you want, who do you wanna be, 

    how do you want to contribute to this beautiful world

    how do you want to reflect the glory of God

    how can you honor your mother

    where will your name be written when all is said

    do you want to be loved so badly you will sell out

    would amber want to be your friend

    have you forgotten the ideals you had when you were 10

    are you following the path of Basics

    or The Exceptionals

    are you inspiring others to be better

    do you make others better

    are you a cancer or the cure

  8. it’s not easy to get me jealous 

    but right now ive got friends in Egypt checking out the pyramids and in Kuwait playing video games with our troops

    yesterday i had an interesting dilemma. it was surging 2.5x on Uber but i got a ping on Lyft Premium (which is like a 3x surge).

    when i got the Lyft request i saw it was from a gated community near a country club and every time ive picked up someone there it was a short, irritating ride.

    and now that Uber and Lyft tells you whether or not it is a long trip or not, i knew this Lyft ride wasn’t going to be a long ride.

    so i was tempted to cancel it but i had just lectured all these dumb young kids on the Uber facebook page that you shouldn’t cancel a guaranteed decent ride in hopes that you will get a big fat long ride in a minute or two.

    traffic was bad where i was gonna pick them up and again i was tempted, but the Lord led me out of temptation and i got to where i needed to be and there they were waiting for me.

    one of the things about these rides is there is the small chance that as you are driving they will say, oh we didnt mean to drop us off here (a short ride) we meant for you to take us Alllllllll the way over here (a long, profitable ride).

    but the other pleasant surprise is they can give you a $10 tip because they rich as hell and cool and appreciated you and are good hearted.

    and thats what happened. a $10 tip on a $21 ride.

    still i want to see the pyramids soon!

  9. Tuesday, April 17, 2018

    today i learned Stiff is worth $90? 

    sometimes when i get low i think what have i done so far and i think NOTHING

    such a question is so subjective because what is value? what is the right answer? who cares what youve bought or “earned” or made.

    but tonight i was looking for a Blogger hoodie because i am wearing one right now and i want to wear it a lot because i love it so it would be great to have a backup.

    so i went to ebay and one thing lead to another and there i was searching my name to see what would pop up

    and holy cow there’s Stiff and someone thinks it’s worth a ton of cash.

    i mean, it is the best thing ive ever written, and it is good, and i am proud of it because it’s wild and creative and

    ALL ME

    and i love it.

    but never did i think it would be worth that much.

    the seller has a bunch of images from the book like where i signed it. for some reason i just signed it Long Live Vegas which i totally agree with but it gives me no hint as to who i had sold it to.

    but the best was the thanks.

    it made me laugh because i forgot what i wrote there.

    because Stiff is an extension of some of the weirdest stuff from How to Blog i wanted to be honest about that

    and i also wanted to acknowledge that the rest of it originally came from this, the world famous blah blog, i thanked myself

    “for the use of my own shit”.

    i have had a good life. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to fear about whatever comes next. there is no pressure other than to peak ontop of peak

    and to clean out the kitty litter tomorrow because it’s stinky.

    and whatever book i write next i want it to one day get sold for $200.

    thank you Blogger for all that youve given me,

    because sometimes all we need is a bigass canvas in which to rock.

  10. Sunday, April 15, 2018

    beyonce ruined everything last night at Coachella 

    and i do mean everything.

    how am i supposed to go to a concert now?

    it’s not gonna be as great as she was last night.

    how am i gonna even go to a club?

    she took everything great about music and dance and spectacle and black pride

    and shoved it in our faces

    and flicked her long, wild wig at it

    and smiled.

    i was not a huge Beyonce fan, but last night not only did i, but we all saw the light.

    we all saw the power of black girl magic.

    she was graceful and fast and smooth and only got better as the clock ticked closer to two hours.

    she didn’t rely on video screens or inflatable props

    she was so magical that even the fireworks were all fuck this and felt like sparklers.

    she had a whole damn marching band on stage with her, all of MC Hammers dancers, the twins from Cirque, an orchestra, and an all girl heavy metal band.

    it reminded me of Kanye’s 808 n Heartbreaks redeux show at the Hollywood Bowl mixed with gasoline and twerking. it was the history of black college culture, hip hop, a cookout, and a family reunion when Destiny’s Child appeared and reminded us that you can come home again.

    for years the rumors have been that Coachella would drop a boatload to get the Smiths to reunite.

    all i can say after what i am still trying to process from last night ON TV

    is fuck the Smiths.

    beyonce showed us what giving 100% to the grandest idea you could think of looks and sounds like


    and it is flawless.