nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, December 11, 2017

    i made it through the wilderness 

    i know i know i know

    but i was sick.

    then i got busy. then i got sick again. now im good.

    im not good good because i have this issue with coughing that i will cough up phlegm but whatever its the winter and im a sensitive poet

    and so many emotional things are happening in and around LA it’s bizarre.

    for instance, at UCSB they had to cancel all of their finals so the kids can run away and hide at their parents house because of the fires up there.

    my favorite teacher has had to pack up her family and shes considering just going to the ocean in a rowboat and watching the world burn from the sea

    meanwhile we are seeing super weird photos of the smoke rising from the santa barbara + ventura region and it’s scary because when I think of the central coast

    i think of the safest region in the whole world

    it’s where i hope to escape to when The Big One strikes LA.

    so to see it in misery like this is horrid. then of course there is the soon death of the Internet via Net Neutrality. Trump is trying to get the Middle East fighting with themselves. And the Cubs lost out on both the great hitter from Miami and the pitcher/hitter from Japan.

    the only thing making me believe in humanity right now are my friends, the pretty girl who parades around my house half nude, and the upcoming Star Wars film which i have secured tickets for on Thursday night at 10pm even though i will probably fall asleep before the previews are over.

    which brings us to Pussy Riot, Russias finest all-female punk band

    who plays this week, two different nights in LA, and i wanna see it but i have to make money at Uber

    and im so tired,

    so tired.



  2. Thursday, December 7, 2017

    ordered some thai food because i was tired of soup 

    sunday soup, monday soup, tuesday wednesday soup soup

    amber has been learning how to crock pot and shes a quick learner, gotta say

    and she makes all my favorite things: carrots, broccoli, potatoes

    but today i needed a change of pace

    thai soup.

    milky. spicy. with a little tofu in there for ya.

    noodles. chicken. sticky rice.

    it cost a days wages but tonight we celebrate

    because i have been healed.

  3. Wednesday, December 6, 2017

    there was a text message that was sent out today in LA 

    it said:

    the fires from today that shut down the 405 freeway and burned down rupert murdoch’s mansion and vinyards and displaced people and animals and birds and wildlife is only going to get stronger tonight as the winds are expected to reach upwards of 70 miles an hour in the canyons and passes. so be cool and do what we say if we have to text you again.

    sleep tight.

    but no one is sleeping tight.

    all day the air has been gray or worse. it’s snowing soot.

    the cars all have a gross little film on it.

    they’re passing out little face masks in the valley so you dont have to breath the stuff in

    at ucla someone put one on a statue of the bruin bear.

    i stayed inside like a shutin

    ive been sick for the last couple days, hacking, sneezing, trying to sleep.

    i feel better right now and i hope to go to work tomorrow.

    not everyone gets to go to work tomorrow.

    some people have no homes tonight. some have nothing.

    i have so much i dont even know what to do.

    i heard Lyft was giving people free rides to rescue areas and i wanted to volunteer for that.

    but my mom taught me a long time ago that if you dont go to school cuz youre sick you cant play at night.

    even if it is for nice things, like saving your town.

    which i hope wont need saving tomorrow,

    but we are worried.

  4. Monday, December 4, 2017

    sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen 

    today i couldnt sit still. today i couldnt lay down. today i couldnt walk far. today i sneezed and coughed and puked.

    i am the most sensitive poet youve ever seen. i am such a drama queen.

    if you prick me i will never let you forget it.

    i bled today. a vacuum cleaner arrived at my doorstep and i tried to open it with scissors

    and i pulled it all toward me and


    the cats scattered.

    i coughed and sneezed and bled and wheezed

    yet for some reason the pretty girl in a skin tight captain america shirt

    and booty shorts said, wanna find the f blanket?

    theres this blanket that i wanna write a screenplay about

    we put it down over the comforter on special occasions.

    the movie i wanna make about it will be a short.

    no words, just animation,

    how the f blanket first gets used,

    then the two giggle as they lay it down the next day and next day.

    after a while its there all the time.

    then week after week it falls off the bed, then under the bed.

    one day the boy puts it on the bed and the girl gets a twinkle in her eye

    but he lays one of the cats on it and clips its toenails.

    then falls asleep.

    eventually the blanket goes into the closet.

    and accidentally catches fire, burning down the house.

    only the cats survive.

    all that scatter practice.

  5. Saturday, December 2, 2017

    there are some people who are rooting against you 

    which is weird because life is short

    and im always gonna win.

    been kicked around from one H&R Block to another these last couple of weeks. have i told you im being audited?!

    whoo boy.

    so at HRB you can get this insurance for $40 that says if the IRS audits you, they will help you win

    and they will even go to court with you if it goes that far.

    as a former electronics salesman who was harassed by management to sell the extended warranties, if someone offers me one these days i just say fuckit and pay.

    life is short.

    render unto caesar whats caesars.

    sometimes you get lucky and the insurance pays off. like right now. only problem seems to be that none of the agents wanted to handle my case because, i dont know, maybe they dont get paid for it?

    so i went to glendale first but they said we’re in glendale, you gotta do this in LA. which im pretty sure isn’t true, but one thing i know about life, if someone doesn’t wanna help you, thats not really the person you want in your corner when taking on the IRS.

    they sent me to k town. but that dude didnt show up. at all. then they sent me to wilshire but then that dude said he had to wash his hair on saturday could i come by during the week before 5? i said i work for a living Leroy, no i cant get in there before 5. so i went in there during lunch and demanded the manager.

    i said what in the hong kong is going on in here? i said every year i give you people $380 plus $40 insurance to do my dumb taxes and now that i actually need you, now that the government is saying you effed up im getting the cold shoulder?

    let it be known i said this in an uncomfortably loud volume so everyone in the joint could hear me.

    i was quickly given an appointment for today. and the woman i got was so good i wanted to hug her. we laughed and laughed and she complimented my attention to detail and i told her that its weird but everything i do for uber lyft i do 100%. super bizarre.

    and she said ok im gonna do what i gotta do and if you come back next week we will submit it and you will probably be perfectly fine. i said, are you kidding? she said nope. i think i already see the problem and all will be well.

    then my car’s engine light went on and i said i guess we’re going to the dealer now. and i went and the guy said we dont have any loaners today can i call you an uber? i said i have a lot of errands to run today will you be paying for my uber all weekend?

    and suddenly a brand new benz rolled out with a bow and my name on it

    for the weekend.

    so fast.

    you steer with your index finger.

  6. Friday, December 1, 2017

    i think about rock stars a lot 

    you probably do too.

    sometimes i’ll think, would david bowie do this?

    would prince put up with that?

    would mick jagger wear this?

    what would GG think about this?

    the answer is usually the opposite of what i was going to do or say or think.

    it puts me in my place.

    in Heaven i know im gonna be a better dresser.

    but there im gonna wanna be a better dresser

    im gonna wanna wear crazy shirts

    BECAUSE EVERYONES gonna wear crazy shirts.

    im gonna wear high waisted pants and tshirts with someone cool on it

    because everyone else is gonna have lots of cool things to wear and it will be a differnt sort of competition than it is now.

    of course there will be nudists who walk around “honoring” God with just their fruits and berries but i think its more of an honor to Him to show what we can do with our creativity.

    right now fashion seems more about wealth and cockiness and anything other than free expression

    which is why i wear a garbage bag shirt and and straw hat most of the time

    and a cubs shirt on Sundays.

  7. Thursday, November 30, 2017

    today is danielle’s birthday, shes 24 

    here’s whats sad about this day. i think it’s been more than a year since ive seen My Love.

    it’s been so long that the place where we met, where this beautiful photo of her was captured, is no longer there.

    danielle and i met at E! which is no longer at 5750 Wilshire. the halls where she once skipped are occupied by another.

    this is what happens when you move to san dieger, LA gets sad and tries to move on, but it never does.

    the irony is danielle left to study french film and now im the one in the heart of cinema. im the one driving up and down hills of pacific palisades watching the sunset, sighing, wondering if danielle is seeing the same colors

    breathing the same breezes

    chasing the same sea gulls.

    for those of you who miss her blog, danielle is still living large with her doctor beau. she is still as stylish as ever and she still has exquisite taste. during the summer Amber needed a place to Air BnB down in san diego and i inquired from danielle if she would rent out her pad for the weekend. she said she would let Amber stay there for freeee. which is the right price.

    when amber got there she called me and said danielles place is phenomenal. everything here is beautiful and girly and classy and just right. it’s a dream inside of a wish.

    which is the perfect way to describe todays birthday girl herself.

  8. Tuesday, November 28, 2017

    yesterday i did something that i never do 

    money is something that i try not to sweat about because ive seen people sweat over it and it’s not a pretty scene

    ive seen people buy all these books about “wealth” and they go to these phony churches about “abundance” and its all a big barrel of bologna because we have seen rich people and poor people and unless you are super dooper poor (which sucks) there are just as many happy people who are so-called middle class as there are who are super rich

    infact i have noticed that the rich tend to be slightly less happy than the average american because the rich also buy those dumb books and go to those dumb churches and talk about stocks and real estate and now bitcoin in the locker rooms of their gyms or at the car wash waiting for their tesla to get dry

    and its just money money money and never love, never art, never joy omg never.

    so i have done a pretty good job, i think, of just having two jobs or a job and a half and trying to live among my means and going to a couple of rock shows a year and trying to find the beauty in everything, not just in consumerism

    but sometimes you just feel ripped off and you have to do something about it.

    yesterday i was on the website of service that i use. i have used this service for years and years. and i enjoy it. i pay $250 a year for it, which whatever, it’s a miracle service and it does what it promises.

    but yesterday i was on the website because they bill me once a year and i wanted to know which day in december i was gonna have to get hit by that big deduction and i saw this huge banner ad once i logged in. it said 12 months for $60. i was all, ho baby

    and there was a chat option where i could just sit there and talk to an agent about this and it was obvious he was from a foreign land and i do try to be nice to people because it wasnt that long ago that i was working at PeopleSupport and i was one of those customer service people talking to someone and i said yo yo can i please have that spectacular deal. and this person wasnt as talented on the chat as i was and led me on and finally said oh i cannot give it to you because you dont qualify.

    and i said actually i am alive so i qualify.

    the person said no you do not qualify so i said you know what i can do, i can cancel and play the little game and in a week or a month you will come back to me and offer me a fantastic deal, would you like that?

    and the person said oh youd like to cancel oh im sorry i will have to forward you to the team who does that.

    i said, look, im, deep down, a very very bad person. when i was young this group of very scary superheroes put a chip in my head and trained me to fly a helicopter but instead of using those powers for evil like they wanted i started using them for good because the Bible is my favorite book and they kidnapped me and stuck me in this prison in santa barbara called xbi and there i found others like me and we broke out and formed a band called the Reluctant Surgeons and we traveled the world kissing girls and aint no way your so called team is gonna do for me the things that youre gonna do for me because you are gonna give me that plan for $60 or youre gonna cancel me

    he said i cant

    i said i believe in you

    he said no one has ever said they believe in me

    i said thats because no one is as good as i am

    and he said let me transfer you to my boss. i said killer.

    the boss came on and said hey click this link. and when i did it booted us out of the chat and i could hear him cackling in the faraway land where they were doing this job for peanuts.

    so i called the number and i waited and i said cancel me right now how dare you. and the woman said oh im so sorry why do you wanna cancel and i said because i was treated unfairly first by your web site and then by the chat interface dudes and ultimately by humanity itself.

    and she said you and me both sister, how about i just give you the $60 deal. i said <3

    she said whoops but it will be $63 after tax is that ok, and i said i dont cry but if i did i would be crying tears of joy right now.

    and in a minute i got a text confirming the price and i felt good for an entire 11 minutes.

  9. the report was what i thought it would be like 

    it said im a nightmare to live with.

    it showed a long list of girlfriends ive had or quasi gfs or loves or lusts or flings or things or or or

    and it said that with each and every one of them i was the prime example of bait n switch

    pretty on the outside, ugly closeup.

    im a slob, i fart, i wear the same things over and over and over. i pass out unexpectedly, even though no drugs or alcohol are around.

    i cant cook, clean, im not well read, i grammar bad and for some reason im as demanding as can be

    but worse, i pretend that the poor women learn the ancient skill of mindreading.

    even though i am not one to live up to many promises, i insist that they keep theirs.

    even though i constantly change my mind about things, i steam when they call audibles.

    theres baseball cards in here, photos of others, letters from others, gifts from others

    how is anyone supposed to feel special in this bachelors pad of boobie traps?

    white socks everywhere and smells smells smells

    closets packed with nick nacks, freezer stuffed with cheese.

    the xbi insists that no agent should have a significant other but mama mia how is this the only rule i dont break?

    and then theres the cubs.

    and the weird hours.

    and the secret trips to the hidden lair.

    it just aint fair.

  10. Monday, November 27, 2017

    the older i get the meaner i get 

    if i was on top of my game i would be bringing LAist back from the dead right now. i would be using the momentum of everyone being sad that it was gone, and i would make something new but the same.

    i would do what i did back on 6/6/06 and i would find people who were in to writing for free and in exchange i would give them a platform where they would get read and have access to rock show and movies and whatever they couldn’t get from their own blogs,

    and together we would build a community and from that love even greater things would happen like we would all get fancy jobs and become rich and famous, all while telling the tale of LA.

    the Village Voice went under, and it looks like the LA Weekly is gonna be a weed weekly, so with LAist kaput and the LA Times on the ropes, there appears to be a giant hole in local LA news and entertainment and it’s only widening.

    and if i wasn’t so angry and bitter and unfocused and out of tune i would simply ring the bell, find the right team of writers and photographers and a couple web designers and we would just build and make it happen and sell some ads and get this party re-started.

    of all the things im most proud of, LAist is on the top of the list because no one expected us to do what we did and it lasted 10 years after i touched it. and it blossomed.

    i firmly believe that as custodians of the Earth it’s our job to make sure that we make things better than how we found them. a very simple job.

    but i am stuck at the dumbest part. i dont think as we sit here at the doorstep of 2018 that you can start a new thing without having a corresponding Twitter account and all of the LA names i can think of for a new group blog are taken, mostly by creeps who haven’t even really used those names.

    so i think of even newer names but theyre taken too.

    i know i can’t use LAist because grampa Ricketts still owns it technically.

    and i doubt i have enough $$$ to buy it from him.

    but fuck that, i dont wanna give him any money after what he did to everyone.

    it is time to start a new thing.

    everything must go.