nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 17, 2014

    work kicked us out of our offices after lunch yesterday bc we are moving 


    fortunately amber smith blog lives super close to my work and she has air conditioning. so i was all, can i work from home

    from your home?

    she said sure, only problem, my AC isn’t working.

    i was all, ok guess i gotta go to the library.

    she said, omg i love libraries lemme go with you


    so we walked down the street and she said wait are those swimtrunks you have on?

    i said yes, i always love to wear swimtrunks as shorts when its 100 degrees,

    i said i know some people think theyre tacky but what happens if someone invites me to a pool?

    she said, youre so cool


    so i took a picture of us, she in her sweet summer dress and me in my swimsuit shorts

    and the hawaiian shirt my mom bought me at macys


    amber was all ok heres the library i was telling you about!

    i said wait a damn minute this sure looks like a rooftop pool.

    she was all, its got wifi and heres a book, voila: library!


    so i jumped into the pool, found a shady spot and went back to working.

    ah the internet.

    thank you Al Gore


    every now and then i looked to my right and said mama mia, why didnt this girl hit on me when we were both at the LA Times

    and the world was crumbling down on me. and a voice said, just drink the cold water and enjoy the shade


    we heard some sounds. it was the hotel. there was a blackout in beverly hills (where we were)

    i asked the bikini waitress, does this mean the beers wont be cold any more?

    she said, oh we have generators for the pool, the beverages, and the elevators.

    so i went back to working and looking to my right.

    but after a while we were actually hungry hungry


    so we drove to my favorite sushi joint and had crab so fresh one of them pinched amber’s tight rump.

    she was all, fresh! and slapped him

    he blushed and we ate him.


    then we drove down to anaheim and saw Katy Perry who was about 10 times better than I thought she was gonna be.

    we had embarrassingly good tickets.


    all sorts of people there: moms dads and of course screaming tween girls


    and these well dressed members of the state assembly


    lesson of the day: we are here to dazzle, so dazzle.

    Ignite the light
    And let it shine
    Just own the night
    Like the Fourth of July

    ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
    Come on show them what you’re worth
    Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
    As you shoot across the sky

  2. Monday, September 15, 2014

    what a crazy wonderful nearly perfect weekend 


    one of the bonuses of living in Hollywood is we get things that we dont deserve like special secret concerts

    this weekend we were treated to three nights of Hollywood Bowl performances celebrating The Simpsons,

    which is pretty much my favorite tv show of all time.

    Conan, Weird Al, the people behind the voices, and even creator Matt Groening was there

    it was fantastic and even had fireworks.

    great rundown of highlights on Franklin Ave!


    my buddy Chris who i watched the original four seasons with in college was there along with the Miller sisters

    who could recite pretty much any line from any of the first 10 seasons.

    i wore my Pin Pal bowling shirt and was so full of excitement and happiness that i literally puked with glee

    during the live performance of The Bartman which lead into the fireworks.

    really? yes. it was hot, i was drunk, i had eaten a sandwich with pickles, and i was overwhelmed.

    now do you believe me that im a sensitive poet?

    or was it the xbi….?


    then yesterday there was the Miss America show. which was so amazing that if i had anything to puke i woulda puked too


    it was a cross between Pop Up videos, and the worst portions of Toddlers and Tiaras.

    no one should have won because there was very little to love about any of them except for how bizarre they were.


    why did i watch it? oh because i love Miss America/Miss Universe but also I was on a super huge high after watching Da Bears

    UPSET the San Francisco 49ers in an amazing comeback on Sunday Night Football.

    there really is something absolutely wrong with me.

    not women, not food, not even a live showing of The Simpsons can get me as emotional as a Chicago Bears football game

    i get superstitious, i wont move, i cant drink, i can barely pee. im screaming at the TV

    im live tweeting like a mad man. and finally im stomping around the house hugging the cats

    and screaming to the church members jogging outside


    i’m still flying high.

    im weird.

  3. Saturday, September 13, 2014

    protesting against the beverly hills hotel hurts these kids 


    drove a food server and two pool boys of the famous hotel california, probably the most beautiful hotel ive ever been in.

    they were going to a concert downtown.

    couldnta been funnier.

    i turned off the meter after a little while because it was such a joy to be with them.

    i asked if the hotel was being affected by the boycott they said lets talk about anything else.

    finally they said the owner that people are protesting owns lots of things, but mostly oil.

    they said, if you want to boycott something, stop driving your car.

    but the beverly hills hotel is less than 1% of his holdings,

    when you refuse to come the service employees are the ones who feel it the most.

    they totally turned my thinking around.

    and after i dropped them off i turned off my car and walked home.

  4. a note i left on the message board of the fantasy league today 

    tumblr_n57kzvjuFu1rzkuwco1_500The only context you probably need is the Commish locked me for a few games DURING THE PLAYOFFS because of some weird rule he made up that I didnt understand. the guy I was playing against, Ninja, told the commish not to do it, but the commish dragged his feet unlocking me and now I am about to lose the series and the league. This is my parting shot to the commish and the league. Because I am a whiner.

    I’ve been playing Yahoo Fantasy since 2001. I’ve had 113 teams. Never have I been in a league where the commish, in order to limit competition punishes GMs from PLAYING THE GAME by hamstringing them in the playoffs. What asshole does that?

    If you’re oh-so worried about teams cycling through so-called “garbage stats” create categories that hurt teams for pitching too much like OMG walks, HRs, ERs, WHIP, HBP, etc. Or you create Max moves for a week or for a season. Or you create moves only once a week.

    Let the computer play its part. Why? Because as we have seen here, the human element, when it comes to being a Commish, will almost always fuck up. For one reason: commishes are also players; competitors. They have an agenda. They also have emotions and machismo. When they are called out on their bullshit they often drag their feet, and yes CHEAT and get in the way of fair play.

    You don’t lock people in the playoffs. You don’t make quick, debilitating, moves in the middle of the night one day and then pretend that you don’t exist the next night when you could repair those moves.

    You play fair. And honestly. And you let the fucking baseball players decide the outcome.

    Ninja, I appreciate your sportsmanship and it’s too bad we couldn’t see fairly whose team was truly the best. You have a very good team and I sincerely hope the commish doesn’t fuck you over for whatever reason in the coming weeks.

    Commish I hope whatever karma you have coming back to you doesn’t bite you in the ass. But most importantly I hope you take my suggestions to heart and set up your next league intelligently and not emotionally. Something based in competition and not out of fear ruled by a no-good cheating asswipe.

    Update: With the score 5-7 (somehow I crawled back from 1-11) the Commissioner banned me. With one day left I have lost that league.

  5. Friday, September 12, 2014
  6. motel busblog 

    jeanine and ambersometimes kittens appear at your doorstep. so you say fine, why not.

    sometimes tall blondes with legs as long as the california coast start liking everything on your instagram.

    so you say fine why not.

    and sometimes your college girlfriend is floating around and could use your couch

    and you say of course baby.

    but then the xbi says no seriously we need to get the wires out of the walls of your house

    because we’re wireless now

    and if anything happens, like i dont know, you move, because you’re loco, and the next ppl see all the wires, then we’re screwed.

    so they start ripping up the walls of your sweet pad and your fridge is now in the kitchen and the kitty litter is now in the bathroom and the kittens are running around

    and dust is flying and at least theres lots of food in the pantry

    and amber and jeanine really get along. maybe because theyre born on the same day (!) and they have freaky similarities like they have a hard time answering yes or no questions.

    one day i went into the freezer for ice cream and there was butter pecan, something i thought only my granpa ate.

    i was like amber did you buy this butter pecan? and she was all, omg i love that but no. and jeanine said oh i did, lol.

    the other night as i got out of the shower i saw them spooning on the couch

    tv glow lighting up the room

    kittens asleep at their feet.

  7. Thursday, September 11, 2014

    smells like teen spirit turned 23 years old yesterday 

    teen spirit

    which is pretty much the age that i was when i first heard it.

    i was not blown away by it even though i played it on the college radio station

    three days before it officially came out.

    i was all, well it’s ok, but i really cant wait for the new Soundgarden.

    lesson: im old. and i was old even then.

  8. i hate 9/11. so much. they should make it a holiday so we could just sit in our homes and cry 

    not cry because omg they got us. omg the terrorists won and we now live in fear.

    but cry because we can’t trust the government any more. because we dont know who knew what and when.

    cry because all those people are dead and all their families are devastated and it probably could have been avoided.

    cry because “pre-9/11″ is a thing.

    cry because of coverups and people not getting fired and people lying to congress and people

    being so disgusting.

    i went to Ground Zero when it was a hole, i went there when the freedom tower was pretty much built

    i went to the Statue of Liberty at New York, New York in Vegas

    and i didnt know what to make of any of it.

    which one was more real? which one was more honest?

    i used to watch fahrenheit 9/11 on 9/11 but i dont wanna do that to myself this year.

    i dont even know what to do other than wear black and raise my fist

    but what i really wanna do is just put my head in my hands and cry.

    which is what the holiday should be.

    no parades no football games no beers

    just emotions, no traffic, and tears.

  9. Wednesday, September 10, 2014

    theres only a few things i want in my life 


    love, of course.

    honesty. as in super dooper really real. which isnt so hard.

    people around me who dont believe that the world is a certain way or destiny isnt a hard and fast rule

    or that we are doomed to only do the things our parents did.

    if i ever have kids i dont want them to think that they can only do the things i did.

    i want them to know they can be better. that they can break through whatever barriers i met.

    i want them to know the world is weird and wonderful and random and beautiful and one minute you might be alone and content

    and the next minute you can be in a house with a new girlfriend, and old girlfriend, and two cats.

    and then the day you might be totally alone again.

    old girlfriend might be moved into a new pad. new girlfriend might be done with you for the week.

    and neighbors might have wanted to adopt young Prince and young Michael.

    yes you can try to have a safe stable life but not if you want higher highs.

    not if you wanna learn weird stuff and embody it.

    and then write it down for you and you and you.

    in a few years i will start writing.

    this was just exercises to cure my carpal.

    tonight amber and i are going to a fancy french restaurant.

    i may even wear pants.