nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, September 20, 2014

    for my moms birthday we took her to a burger place at the mall 


    i was all ma, why here? she said, it was Kylas choice. i was all wha? she said, dont ask.

    anyways kyla has braces now and her gift to my mom was her favorite Glade Plug-ins.

    we ate three different versions of french fries and then assorted burgers and booze. it was nice.


    nephew tyler was in great spirits because he had an assist during his soccer game

    and also because i wasnt telling him how they made the chicken tenders he was eating

    he also drank milk and played under the table and generally enjoyed himself like a kid


    Babe was probably the happiest. she ate her food, a little of tylers

    then when no one was looking she got out of her chair and grabbed some food off the table behind us.

    THAT was probably the funniest thing i’d ever seen.

    the dude was all, oh dont worry we’ve got kids too, it happens.


    afterwards i went to my favorite store in the world and bought a Cubs hat


    because if this rain stops, tomorrow we’re going to Wrigley Field,

    finest ball park on earth.

    and i hear they’ve been waiting for me.

  2. todays my moms birthday, shes 24 

    momhere she is with my niece, who is also 24. long story.

    there was a time when id hardly ever go back to chicago to visit my mom. it was nothing personal. it was just that chicago and the suburbs where i grew up would also do damage to my sensitive poet sensibilities.

    it was like going back in time and forward in time at the same time.

    like having a niece and mom the same age.

    all of your memories are in the distance past but time keeps on ticking and things improve and omg some things dont improve at all.

    for example there is this strip mall on barrington road that used to house a Pizza Joint, a drug store, a hardware store, a little grocery store and a Dick’s Dogs hot dog hut. ever since the Sam’s Club and WalMart opened up a mile away all of those independent stores went out of business and Nothing ever replaced them.

    it’s just this long empty building where i first ate pizza and read Mad Magazines. and ate hot dogs.

    drug stores of olden times used to be places where you would just roam because every aisle had weird and unusual things that you never knew you needed but instantly HAD to have. Mad, Cracked, and Crazy were all magazines that i needed to have suddenly and my mom, bless her heart, would usually say, “at least you’re reading”. and buy them for me.

    walmart doesnt have that sort of appeal, but they have the prices. and its sad what they do to little towns.

    we passed that empty strip mall yesterday and my mom says the county is trying to buy it to fill it up with facilities that will help immigrants become legal citizens. they’ll teach them english, help them do their paper work, and maybe even teach them a skill. me, i would turn the place into a medical marijuana center including a food court that would return Dicks Dogs to its rightful place alongside some traditional taquerias, pizza, and soul food selections.

    you know, things Walmart doesn’t have nor will ever have.

    apparently medical weed is just starting to bloom in Illinois and what a better place to put a huge dispensary than in a strip mall that time forgot?

    this afternoon i am going to take my mom to a ford dealership to have her test drive a CMax and a Ford Escape.

    i may have to get an actual second job to pay for it (Uber clearly doesn’t want drivers making a livable wage), but it will be worth it because my mom is the best and i love her soooooo much which is why i come back here twice a year.

    happy birthday mom – which would be the name of the strip mall if i had my way.

  3. Friday, September 19, 2014

    I’m headed to Chicago 


    For a week.
    To see the Cubs.
    And my momma.
    While the xbi fixes up my bachelor pad.
    And LA cools off.
    Books I will read: Dylan’s Chronicles, Bukowski’s Hollywood.
    I won’t be going to my HS reunion.
    Even though I love and miss them.

  4. Thursday, September 18, 2014

    i was a special guest star at a usc journalism class last night 


    mr Drew Tewksbury who ive read in several publications like the LA Weekly invited me to speak to his entertainment journalism class at the famous private school

    id spoken there before but every time i go i get nervous.

    the main theme i told them is: in modern journalism no one really knows what they’re doing.

    we went over a few of the latest scoops and they were all broken by non-traditional outlets, typically digital ones

    ray rice, jay-z and solange, and most importantly the NSA.

    i said newspapers dont know what to do with that type of news any more so people either approach outlets who will pay for the videos or the sources themselves choose to deal with bloggers turned journalists (like glen greenwald) who wont spike the story because it might upset the government (something the new york times has been known to do).

    i said the good news about all of this is there are big opportunities for young journalists to break news as long as you are excited to work for media outlets like Vice, Buzzfeed, Gawker, and LAist instead of struggling to get a spot at a newspaper or tv station.


    not sure if that information actually reached them, the kids tend to keep their eyes on their laptops

    and they smile and they nod but do they understand the words coming out of my mouth?

    who knows.

    i do know that the new annenberg center for journalism is beautiful and wired and wireless and even at 8pm

    there were a lot of kids in there studying or maybe they were escaping the heat?


    afterwards i ubered a kid over to LACMA then picked up a guy going to sushi then took a young lady across town

    then had donuts with amber and her friend

    then watched the first half of the fault in our stars.

    i have a weird life.

    today we are moving back to our academy office in beverly hills.

    it has been remodeled over the summer.


  5. Wednesday, September 17, 2014

    work kicked us out of our offices after lunch yesterday bc we are moving 


    fortunately amber smith blog lives super close to my work and she has air conditioning. so i was all, can i work from home

    from your home?

    she said sure, only problem, my AC isn’t working.

    i was all, ok guess i gotta go to the library.

    she said, omg i love libraries lemme go with you


    so we walked down the street and she said wait are those swimtrunks you have on?

    i said yes, i always love to wear swimtrunks as shorts when its 100 degrees,

    i said i know some people think theyre tacky but what happens if someone invites me to a pool?

    she said, youre so cool


    so i took a picture of us, she in her sweet summer dress and me in my swimsuit shorts

    and the hawaiian shirt my mom bought me at macys


    amber was all ok heres the library i was telling you about!

    i said wait a damn minute this sure looks like a rooftop pool.

    she was all, its got wifi and heres a book, voila: library!


    so i jumped into the pool, found a shady spot and went back to working.

    ah the internet.

    thank you Al Gore


    every now and then i looked to my right and said mama mia, why didnt this girl hit on me when we were both at the LA Times

    and the world was crumbling down on me. and a voice said, just drink the cold water and enjoy the shade


    we heard some sounds. it was the hotel. there was a blackout in beverly hills (where we were)

    i asked the bikini waitress, does this mean the beers wont be cold any more?

    she said, oh we have generators for the pool, the beverages, and the elevators.

    so i went back to working and looking to my right.

    but after a while we were actually hungry hungry


    so we drove to my favorite sushi joint and had crab so fresh one of them pinched amber’s tight rump.

    she was all, fresh! and slapped him

    he blushed and we ate him.


    then we drove down to anaheim and saw Katy Perry who was about 10 times better than I thought she was gonna be.

    we had embarrassingly good tickets.


    all sorts of people there: moms dads and of course screaming tween girls


    and these well dressed members of the state assembly


    lesson of the day: we are here to dazzle, so dazzle.

    Ignite the light
    And let it shine
    Just own the night
    Like the Fourth of July

    ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
    Come on show them what you’re worth
    Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
    As you shoot across the sky

  6. Monday, September 15, 2014

    what a crazy wonderful nearly perfect weekend 


    one of the bonuses of living in Hollywood is we get things that we dont deserve like special secret concerts

    this weekend we were treated to three nights of Hollywood Bowl performances celebrating The Simpsons,

    which is pretty much my favorite tv show of all time.

    Conan, Weird Al, the people behind the voices, and even creator Matt Groening was there

    it was fantastic and even had fireworks.

    great rundown of highlights on Franklin Ave!


    my buddy Chris who i watched the original four seasons with in college was there along with the Miller sisters

    who could recite pretty much any line from any of the first 10 seasons.

    i wore my Pin Pal bowling shirt and was so full of excitement and happiness that i literally puked with glee

    during the live performance of The Bartman which lead into the fireworks.

    really? yes. it was hot, i was drunk, i had eaten a sandwich with pickles, and i was overwhelmed.

    now do you believe me that im a sensitive poet?

    or was it the xbi….?


    then yesterday there was the Miss America show. which was so amazing that if i had anything to puke i woulda puked too


    it was a cross between Pop Up videos, and the worst portions of Toddlers and Tiaras.

    no one should have won because there was very little to love about any of them except for how bizarre they were.


    why did i watch it? oh because i love Miss America/Miss Universe but also I was on a super huge high after watching Da Bears

    UPSET the San Francisco 49ers in an amazing comeback on Sunday Night Football.

    there really is something absolutely wrong with me.

    not women, not food, not even a live showing of The Simpsons can get me as emotional as a Chicago Bears football game

    i get superstitious, i wont move, i cant drink, i can barely pee. im screaming at the TV

    im live tweeting like a mad man. and finally im stomping around the house hugging the cats

    and screaming to the church members jogging outside


    i’m still flying high.

    im weird.

  7. Saturday, September 13, 2014

    protesting against the beverly hills hotel hurts these kids 


    drove a food server and two pool boys of the famous hotel california, probably the most beautiful hotel ive ever been in.

    they were going to a concert downtown.

    couldnta been funnier.

    i turned off the meter after a little while because it was such a joy to be with them.

    i asked if the hotel was being affected by the boycott they said lets talk about anything else.

    finally they said the owner that people are protesting owns lots of things, but mostly oil.

    they said, if you want to boycott something, stop driving your car.

    but the beverly hills hotel is less than 1% of his holdings,

    when you refuse to come the service employees are the ones who feel it the most.

    they totally turned my thinking around.

    and after i dropped them off i turned off my car and walked home.

  8. a note i left on the message board of the fantasy league today 

    tumblr_n57kzvjuFu1rzkuwco1_500The only context you probably need is the Commish locked me for a few games DURING THE PLAYOFFS because of some weird rule he made up that I didnt understand. the guy I was playing against, Ninja, told the commish not to do it, but the commish dragged his feet unlocking me and now I am about to lose the series and the league. This is my parting shot to the commish and the league. Because I am a whiner.

    I’ve been playing Yahoo Fantasy since 2001. I’ve had 113 teams. Never have I been in a league where the commish, in order to limit competition punishes GMs from PLAYING THE GAME by hamstringing them in the playoffs. What asshole does that?

    If you’re oh-so worried about teams cycling through so-called “garbage stats” create categories that hurt teams for pitching too much like OMG walks, HRs, ERs, WHIP, HBP, etc. Or you create Max moves for a week or for a season. Or you create moves only once a week.

    Let the computer play its part. Why? Because as we have seen here, the human element, when it comes to being a Commish, will almost always fuck up. For one reason: commishes are also players; competitors. They have an agenda. They also have emotions and machismo. When they are called out on their bullshit they often drag their feet, and yes CHEAT and get in the way of fair play.

    You don’t lock people in the playoffs. You don’t make quick, debilitating, moves in the middle of the night one day and then pretend that you don’t exist the next night when you could repair those moves.

    You play fair. And honestly. And you let the fucking baseball players decide the outcome.

    Ninja, I appreciate your sportsmanship and it’s too bad we couldn’t see fairly whose team was truly the best. You have a very good team and I sincerely hope the commish doesn’t fuck you over for whatever reason in the coming weeks.

    Commish I hope whatever karma you have coming back to you doesn’t bite you in the ass. But most importantly I hope you take my suggestions to heart and set up your next league intelligently and not emotionally. Something based in competition and not out of fear ruled by a no-good cheating asswipe.

    Update: With the score 5-7 (somehow I crawled back from 1-11) the Commissioner banned me. With one day left I have lost that league.

  9. Friday, September 12, 2014
  10. motel busblog 

    jeanine and ambersometimes kittens appear at your doorstep. so you say fine, why not.

    sometimes tall blondes with legs as long as the california coast start liking everything on your instagram.

    so you say fine why not.

    and sometimes your college girlfriend is floating around and could use your couch

    and you say of course baby.

    but then the xbi says no seriously we need to get the wires out of the walls of your house

    because we’re wireless now

    and if anything happens, like i dont know, you move, because you’re loco, and the next ppl see all the wires, then we’re screwed.

    so they start ripping up the walls of your sweet pad and your fridge is now in the kitchen and the kitty litter is now in the bathroom and the kittens are running around

    and dust is flying and at least theres lots of food in the pantry

    and amber and jeanine really get along. maybe because theyre born on the same day (!) and they have freaky similarities like they have a hard time answering yes or no questions.

    one day i went into the freezer for ice cream and there was butter pecan, something i thought only my granpa ate.

    i was like amber did you buy this butter pecan? and she was all, omg i love that but no. and jeanine said oh i did, lol.

    the other night as i got out of the shower i saw them spooning on the couch

    tv glow lighting up the room

    kittens asleep at their feet.