nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 22, 2014

    went to the lady gaga show last night 


    as did pretty much everyone with a costume


    there was tons of confetti in the shape of sea shells and hearts


    amber got us amazing seats super close to the stage


    she also interviewed a bunch of wildly dressed pretty ladies which will turn up on her blog soon


    things that surprised me about Lady Gaga:

    1. she’s not that wonderful of a dancer

    2. she only had about 5 costume changes

    3. she alternates between telling her fans they can do anything and then saying “i cant hear you mother [effers]!”

    4. she doesn’t do an encore


    things that surprised me about amber smith blog:

    1. she knew every word to every song

    2. she bought 4 tickets well in advance for no one in particular because she just knew ppl would wanna come


    things that surprised me about The Little Monsters

    1. they almost all dressed up in costumes of some sort

    2. they didn’t sell out Staples Center (maybe because there are two shows: one tonight as well?)

    3. they threw clothes, stuffed animals, even a rainbow flag at Gaga while she caught her breath


    ironic, dont ya think: some of the best concert merch, but this crowd really doesnt buy concert merch

    ive been to a zillion concerts, this was the only one where there werent bootleg tshirt vendors in the parking lots


    now i wanna see the Katy Perry show to see who had the most confetti.

  2. Monday, July 21, 2014

    seeing lady gaga tonight with amber smith blog 

    amberit’s been nearly four years since ive seen gaga, and even that was just briefly.

    it was for yoko onos 75th birthday celebration.

    yoko did duets with all these famous and interesting people

    and at the end did two songs with lady gaga.

    which were amaaaazzzzzing.

    do i remember what the songs were: no.

    did it make me run out and buy either lady gaga or yoko ono records: no.

    was it one of the best live music moments of 2010 for me? yup.

    am i the weirdest person? si.

    amber texts me during baseball games and asks good questions.

    for example yesterday the dodgers and the cardinals were playing on espn, so LA got to see their first place team for the first time in a long time.

    hanley ramirez got hit with a pitch at his shoulders

    and then when the dodgers took the field clayton kershaw plunked one of the cards right in the leg.

    the ump dramatically pointed at kershaw, then the dodgers’ bench, and then the cardinals bench, to warn them that if anyone else got hit theyd be thrown out.

    but then later in the game hanley got beaned again and nothing happened. no one got ejected. in fact the pitcher struck out the next two batters, but then adrian gonzalez drove in the winning run.

    amber texted me and asked why the pitcher wasn’t tossed after both benches had been warned.

    i said, life isnt always fair. especially in st. louis. the skid mark of the midwest.

  3. Sunday, July 20, 2014

    one reason driving around the city all night is addictive 


    is because if youre doing it right, you learn every night.

    the biggest lesson i learned last night was patience young jedi.


    at my real job we recently had reviews which made me think about

    what are my weaknesses there.

    so that made me think about my shortcomings on the road.

    and the most obvious one is chilling while waiting for the ride to start.


    maybe people dont know that we’re going crazy inside when we rush

    to pick them up on a busy street or at their home

    and it drives some of us a little koo koo when they see us, wave

    and dilly dally on their way to the car.

    or worse, never appear until you call them

    and they act like youve interrupted something in their lives.

    this week i had one party who called me from the In N Out line

    and another from a big raging party.

    i was so mad waiting and waiting. i thought, why wouldnt you call me later?

    but when they finally got in the car, they were so wonderful.


    the very last ride, though, tested my newfound enlightenment

    it was past 2am and the dude wanted to go home but first get drive thru.

    often at that hour the lines are loooooong

    and if i have patience problems waiting to get a ride going

    i have 99 problems waiting to get food from minimum wage workers who dgaf.

    but things lucked out and it was mellow but as we were halfway there

    he squeezed the drink too hard between his knees and it spilled

    all over my back seat, the same one i had just gotten detailed.

    in my head i was all, you cant blame him, hes drunk and you coulda said no.

    and he goes, wow, almost all of it spilled on your black floor mats.

    thank you Jesus.

    new rule: no open food after 1am.

    i did 15 rides on friday and 16 on saturday.

    everyone gave me 5 stars. everyone.

  4. it was a good week 

    Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali reading the Quran

    was encouraged at the real job

    hit my goals on the  sidehustle

    watched a few good movies

    discovered a couple secret things about LA

    learned a few things about myself

    felt healthy.

    only drank a few cokes.

    but ate far too much candy.

    and didnt exercise. at all.

    yep, a good week.

  5. Saturday, July 19, 2014
  6. it’s so dry the ants and the spiders wanna come in 


    there was a spider

    and im all, trust me i understand but dont we leave the garden hoses drippy enough

    dont the neighbors do their laundry omg every day?

    arent we constantly pouring out a little for the homies who aint here?

    and the ants were all, you realize you work for us, dont you?

    and the spiders were like you know what we do when you sleep, right?

    and the walls said you know we talk when youre outta the house.

    so i burned everything down.

    all of it.

    still, the ants came back the next day

    and crawled over the burnt shells of debris

    and sipped from the endless puddles left by the fire hoses

    and said thanks, now clean this crap up.

  7. a hot girl approached my car holding a soft serve ice cream cone 


    she said can i eat my ice cream in the car?

    and thats how the day started.

    picked up a swedish second grade teacher on summer vacation with the prettiest eyes

    i was all, ive been to sweden. she was all, where? i said, in perfect swedish, Jönköping.

    she was like I’M FROM Jönköping!

    i said then you get a free half bottle of water.

    like new.

    we drove to the airport and i took her luggage out of the trunk and said Hej då! (which is adios in swedish) and her eyes got super big cuz apparently no one knows how to say caio in her tongue out here.

    she said the people of LA were super cool to her and i was all duh


    picked up these sweet kids from a baptist church in santa monica. they had just eaten pizza and played pinball.

    on a friday night.

    i told them they were going straight to heaven.

    drove them to their aunt’s apartment near the 3rd street promenade.

    on the way i said, oh i shouldnt be playing this Eminem, how about some gospel?

    ive got elvis, hank sr., mahalia jackson

    the guy up front was all no no no, i hear gospel from the time my aunt wakes up till i go to sleep


    i laughed and said, see you in hell, piasan


    got beeped in downtown from three young people over at the angel city brewery.

    they said it was so crowded in there that they never got a beer.

    i was like werent able to get drunk in a brewery? sad trombone! let me turn off this bob dylan.

    they were all oh no dylan is awesome.

    turned out they were Disney Imagineers. they make the theme parks cool.

    i told them as much as i love disneyland, ive never been to california adventure.

    and one of them told me id like it and i should try some of the adult drinks they serve there.

    i was all, lemme tell you about my buddy todd. and boy did i tell them some things.

    namely about the one time i was setting him up with a smokin hot babe but he had tickets to the disney convention

    and he told me, sorry tony the girl of my dreams does not know you, and she will be at this convention.

    they laughed silently but covered their mouths when they did it.


    then there was this one.

    we had to go from santa monica to downtown LA.

    waitress actress and occasional lyft driver so she sat up front with me.

    it’s amazing how quickly you can cut through the bs with some people and immediately start having

    super not safe for work, detailed, funny, TMI conversations.

    none of which i can reveal here because i just screwed up and showed you her picture.

    her boyfriend ordered her the uber and i was near the beach and after a while i called him

    and said, does she know what my license plate is?

    he said, no. i said, does she know what my car looks like? he said no.

    i said, theres about ten cars out here, is she like me, psychic and can see into the future?

    he said Whaaaa? (it was loud where he was).

    i said, tell her my plate number is XBI666

    he was all SBI what?

    and then she just magically ran across the street waving at me and i was amazed.

  8. Friday, July 18, 2014

    I love my passengers 


    But damn are they stoned when it’s time to get to my car.

    They will literally see me and keep talking with their friends like this whole thing is something to savor, or milk.

    No, when I arrive it’s time to come to me. It is time to start the trip.

    Right now some girl is at her trunk doing god knows what. I’ve been here 5 minutes. Maybe 6.

    Another pair called me when they were in line at the in n out. Of course I got there faster than they got their burger. I’m a pro. We are all pros.

    There should be a law.

  9. Thursday, July 17, 2014