nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 23, 2014

    so the first half of my life is over. great. what next. 


    no question ive done a lot of cool things since moving to LA 30 years ago.

    so what. now what?

    is this the time to have kids? can you do cool stuff while raising kids? mabes, but i probably couldnt.

    fine, no kids. then what? start a business? get a condo in DTLA? move to africa and save them from themselves?

    aint no saving anyone. when adam and eve were the only ninjas in the garden they still did what God told em would kill em.

    should i run for political office? i dont like wearing suits or shaking strangers hands.

    should i be more active in the Church? should i start my own Church? nah. no one wants the church i’d give em.

    maybe teach, maybe learn, maybe travel, maybe read books. for what though. what good are all these books.

    do the people who read the most books do the most good for the world or do they just buy more books?

    should i adopt a kid? should i clean my apartment? should i do the unspeakable:

    do everything i can to accumulate as much money as i can in my bank account?

    joan rivers did that and she never seemed happy. she gave $100 million to her daughter when she died.

    but she lived like she was broke. hawking crud on cable tv to people who shoulda saved their money.

    how do you die with $100 million when you coulda given half of that away?

    maybe i should just write. and judge. and sin. by judging. but really write this half.

    thats what bukowski did and we are all better for it.

    and finally give those page turners something to turn.

    leave something behind for the ninjas not born yet.

    share the wealth. share the know how. share the lessons.

    pass the dutchie pan the left front side.

  2. delicious bday. people were super nice on the web 

    took a lyft to work and then to kanpai and then home so i could eat drink and be merry

    got to kanpai and my mom had called ahead and gave them her credit card

    which was a pleasant surprise

    chris ali and mary were there.

    so much was eaten and dranken.

    im a very lucky man.

    thank you all for all of it.

    amber was super dooper sweet

    and omg Alyson from Canada – ahahah thank you!

    next year’s is gonna be in vegas.

    why not.

  3. Wednesday, October 22, 2014
  4. today is my birthday, im 24 

    get born

    a million years ago my poor mother was rushed to a hospital in washington dc

    she was not given any pain meds to deliver me because she was told that she would want to feel the once-in-a-lifetime experience of having her first child.

    advice she would now never give another woman, she says.

    birthdays are about the child but i think they should be about the mom.

    my mom’s the greatest and unlike her gynecologist i have done my best to ease her pain as much as possible.

    this isn’t the easiest task because, being somewhat affiliated with the xbi, i am often in the middle of some dangerous situations, and i don’t always succeed.

    likewise i cant really have a steady girlfriend, which means i cannot produce any grandchildren for her.

    fortunately my sister has brought unto the world replicants who look a lot like me and are named after grandma.

    anything impressive that i have done in my crazy twisted life is all due to my mom who continues to be supportive of my wild imagination and bizarre paths. shes supportive the way Marge Simpson is. she may grumble but you know it’s for the right reasons. and often her tone alone will nudge me in the direction she feels is best.

    so happy birthday, mom. thanks for bringing me to this crazy planet filled with beautiful people, wonderful music, and fantastic movies.

    i hope i haven’t freaked you out too much so far.

  5. Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    death rides a skateboard 

    death rides a skateboard

    xbi was all hey it’s your birthday tomorrow, what do you want?

    how about for you to leave me alone?

    LOL they said no really, a cake? an ice cream cake? a pie?

    i was all not seriously, for realsie, how about a year of radio silence, maybe three?

    they were like dude youre the best we ever trained we cant just let you flounder out in the world sitting on your assets like some hobo.

    i said whats a year between friends.

    we’re here to save lives and make the world a better place, they said.

    then we both LOLed.

    how about a skateboard, i whispered.

    you’ll break yr neck, they replied.

    i’ll wear a helmet.

    no you won’t.

    ok how about the iphone six plus.

    all sold out, how about the plain old six.

    got that already.

    what do you need the plus for then?

    fine, i’ll take a pie.

  6. Monday, October 20, 2014
  7. Sunday, October 19, 2014

    Cause you and I, we were born to die 


    life has a way of getting in the last laugh.

    amber and i had a great summer whirlwind whose highpoints involved some of the best rock shows.

    so of course after we split up she, so kindly, gifted me her high priced ticket

    to see Lana Del Rey at the Hollywood Forever cemetery

    because she had to work and couldnt get out of it.


    the lines were long to get into the place because they had to scan your soul to see if you were worthy

    no one was.

    amber woulda been, but not us.

    we were just lucky to be at the famous cemetery squooshed between a gritty stretch of santa monica blvd

    and the  back lot of Paramount Studios, one of the many homes of make believe.


    since no one was passing the test they said screw it and let everyone in and we flooded to see the chartreuse

    who was simultaneously a throwback to martini sipping, cigarette toking broads

    and futuristic femme fatales who know what they want and look great in cocktail dresses

    the crowd were not just fans but uber-fans. they knew every word and sang it with her. even the song that just came out.

    and despite the fact that there were two jib cameras swooping around they had their phones and tablets out recording it all.

    many had paid several hundred dollars to see Ms. Del Rey. she has only performed a handful of performances in LA,

    the last being at Coachella way back in the spring.

    this, however was the very last night of her Summertime Sadness tour

    and despite being held in a graveyard a lucky 13 days from halloweentumblr_ndok8vaG2A1rk2e30o2_500

    there was nothing to cry about, but boy were there tears.

    from the moment she sauntered onto the stage with what appeared to be a vintage grass green dress

    and summery white heels the audience flooded the stage with adoration

    screaming any time she looked her way or


    waved gently.

    several times throughout the show she glided down the stairs of the stage and into the photo pit next to the crowd and took selfies and autographed various graven images

    people fa-reeked out.

    her vocal range is lacking, she doesn’t dance, and she didn’t even sing her Oscar-nominated hit Young and Beautiful

    but she is this generations Barbara Streisand, she can do what she wants.

    like only play an hour-long set

    like smoke, not one, but two cigarettes during the night

    like perform zero encores

    like not introduce the band.

    shes not normal, it’s ok.

    lana del rey live is exactly like her music: dreamy, haunting, romantic to the hilt

    and in the end leaving the audience with the desire for more



    the only thing that made the 30 year old go a little off script was when, during a long instrumental intro to a song,

    a man yelled out


    to which she paused

    and then crack up.

    almost as to say, sweetheart, what do you think i’m doing.


    thank you amber smith blog, so so much.

    the next one’s on me.

  8. Friday, October 17, 2014

    fridays are 16 hour days 


    but for some reason i love them.

    i was born to work hard. and then play hard.

    usually i get tired around 2am on friday nights and 4am on saturdays.

    hopefully i can catch some good long rides before midnight so i dont have to try to hustle super hard from 1-3am.

    your dear girl is finally in rehab but her recklessness and my foolish trust has put me a little in the credit card hole

    which im sure i can get out of but its actually against the bible to have big credit debts so im a little uptight about that.

    even though it was for a good cause.

    but the best part about uber is i should have it all paid off before Christmas if i sock most of my earnings towards the bill.

    and then i can get something cool for myself, like an iPad

    or a Rolls.

    all i really want is some new jeans

    and for my momma to be happy.

  9. Thursday, October 16, 2014

    has it been hard without television or the web? 

    2CXLO yes.

    but the good news is the cats and i are bonding and im reading the bible every day.

    and im cleaning like mad. which mostly consists of throwing everything out.

    even the good stuff.

    which i have a lot of.

    two closets which have been jam packed with muck for the last 12 years are now far less mucky. one ended up empty!

    mom you should stop reading the rest of this blog post

    i found a dead uh visitor in one of the closets. it got lost in the clutter and couldnt find its way out and cursed me with its last mini rodent breath. i didnt even know what it was when i picked it up but when it landed in the garbage its dust formed a familiar pattern.

    and it squeaked screw you busblog.

    there were two themes in the closets: music and smut. far too much of both. in wild assortments of delivery devices.

    all of it must go. some of it has already gone.

    realized i have three drills. im not mr handy, sorry ladies, but i know how to work a drill. i have two 18″ bits so i can put a hole through pretty much anything in your home: brick, stone, marble. you do learn a few things in the xbi.

    so many remote controls. the grandest collection of AC adapters. and then there are the love letters.

    how can a man have low self esteem with the reams of beautifully handwritten letters women from around the world have given me, and yet, alas, it’s true. in my mind no one has ever really wanted me, and if they had it was a passing fad, and that was only due to intoxications.

    but then i read a few of these and i was like, are those seriously for me?

    one woman typed using a typewriter while taking a bath and drinking. after each paragraph she would type

    drink time. ding!

    then she drew a picture of herself. and it was fantastic!

    who was this tony pierce of days gone by?

    who knows and who cares, it’s all now being recycled somewhere in Irwindale unless a junkie needs to wipe his bloody spike off on it, in which case, bon appetite.