nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 15, 2018

    this weekend we went down to oceanside 

    amber participated in this event that our good pal AJ is charge of about Women’s Empowerment

    amber went last year and was so blown away she said that AJ reminded her of a white Oprah.

    so immediately she started saving up for this year’s trip.

    usually i like to say hell yeah whenever she asks me to plan a weekend excursion but because the Cubs are apparently a perennial post-season team now, i kept telling her that any October plans would depend on how well the Cubs were doing because either i would be near where they are playing or glued to a TV.

    but as you know their bats could have used some empowerment themselves and as soon as they were booted from contention, i promised to drive her down and chauffeur her all around the picturesque landscape of north county.

    while she did her thing i worked on the secret project. and when she was done we dined at luxurious buffets and mexican haunts.

    she handled some deep emotional things in those woods and i respect her – and all the ladies – for the work they put in.

    and when it was over i got to say hi to AJ who looked so happy and at peace and – it’s hard to describe – maybe a little elevated herself. all that great energy had washed all over her.

    twas a good weekend and im glad to be back in LA.

  2. Saturday, October 13, 2018

    she’s all, you are not ashamed of anything? 

    i said the only thing i feel constantly guilty of,

    shame isnt the word id call it,

    is this blog.

    this humble collection of zeros and ones floating around in the cyber space.

    i said, i wish i spent more time on it, with it, through it,

    pushing things, pulling things, stretching, revealing

    i wish i was able to create some of the beginnings of magic i used to be able to spark back in the day, the years before punk broke.

    there was a time i wouldnt have been happy only posting twice a day, let alone take whole days off

    or two.

    when i was young and dumb(er) and riding the bus every day i truly felt invincible

    that because i had nothing, really nothing, what could you take from me.

    so my girlfriend at the time took my hair.

    shaved it right off.

    put it in a bag and sold it to chokey chicken.

    then my bad job took my bad job.

    and then all these really good things happened. because of the sacrifice? yes. because of the growth? yes.

    yes to all of it.

    add some heat and funky fertilizer and water that shit every day and something new will happen.

    so the question is, am i ready for new. newer than new. is this the new? is this the thing?

    maybe its just the fertilizer.

    maybe it’s time to bring the heat.

  3. Friday, October 12, 2018

    oh let the sun beat down upon my face 

    Here’s what I think about National Coming Out Day

    I have had gay co-workers, teachers, bosses, and friends.

    On average they treated me with respect and taught me some great lessons.

    I’ve heard that 10% of the population is gay.

    If that’s true, I’ll say this: I wish more were, because the ones I know are fantastic and I’m grateful that they were (and are) in my life.

    Now about the Bible, which I also love, which I think confuses casual readers regarding this topic.

    While it’s true that early in the book there are references to this and that,

    later in the book comes a man named Jesus.

    And after Jesus has experienced life on Earth as a real man, He said this, he said

    I have a New Commandment: love one another, like I’ve loved you.

    And since Jesus was not homophobic, I think, like with most good books,

    we should pay more attention to how it ends than how it begins.

    Because it is in mimicking the growth of others to the light

    that we become enlightened.

  4. Thursday, October 11, 2018

    RIP Sears 

    the first job i had after college graduation was Sears.

    a bunch of my friends had moved to Prague to start and English language newspaper, drink 50 cent beers, play guitar on the Charles Bridge, and make out with european tourists

    and i was at the La Cumbre Plaza in Santa Barbara getting scolded for not selling enough extended warrantees on console Zenith tvs and cheap-ass no-name vcrs

    they were wearing tshirts and flannels, playing pool and getting interviewed by CNN and i was wearing dress shirts and ties making so much money by noon that i would go fishing at Goleta Pier on my lunch breaks and calling in to my boss to see if i could take the rest of the day off.

    commission sales had been something i excelled at in junior college, post-college at Sears was even easier, but dull and depressing. i found myself yelling at customers who said they were gonna go to the nearby Circuit City to see how our prices compared to theirs. i told them what the price was and i told them if they didnt trust me on a stupid tv then i didnt want their business, that they shouldnt come back once they learned that i wasn’t bullshitting them.

    they came back and i only got angrier. my boss, who wasn’t a bad guy at all, suggested i take a vacation because even though i was tops in our department, it was obvious i was going crazy. “you fish ALL the time!”

    and i dont catch nothing. thats why i love it.

    i didnt mind working at Sears because i knew there was no future there. i didnt want my boss’s job. i didnt wanna run the store. back then i had the most creative imagination and yet i had zero ideas of how to get people into Sears. the only thing we had going for us back then was the Sears card and people’s memories of how things *used* to be.

    and yet i saw people get busted for stealing every week. the best was this dude in a wheelchair. he had a blanket over his lap and sunglasses. and he went to one of our rows that had shitty cassette players, like Walkmans. except they werent by Sony. Fakemans we called them. fucker grabbed a bunch, tucked them under his blanket and rolled down to hardware.

    as soon as he grabbed enough he scooted out to the parking lot, our security guy ran down from whereever, grabbed him and rolled him back into the store.

    that weird, sad moment at the santa barbara sears was my favorite moment.

    that, and the advice i got from my boss one day when he came in looking a little worn out from drinking the night before.

    tony, heres the thing about hangovers: the longer the day goes, the better you feel.

    nothing else is like that.

    i disagreed but i liked his optimism.

    he ended up canning me and my next job was working for Magnavox training salespeople, and his store was the first one i visited.

  5. Tuesday, October 9, 2018

    have i told you that amber loves lady gaga? it’s true 

    but something has happened and she has fallen out of love with her.

    and it troubles me because amber stood in the front row for like 5 hours at coachella enduring all these other acts so when her girl took the stage she would be right. there.

    so if she could fall outta love with her, what does that mean for me? sure i can play the piano and dance in 8 inch stilettos but i cant really hit those high notes any more.

    turns out bradley cooper and gaga are in a movie. not far from my house. and since amber often finds herself here there and everywhere on her days off, to see her come home at a reasonable hour today, and since i had crossed off everything on my to do list (people actually wrote me back today and said yes, one after another after another), i was all, let me take you to a romantico italian early dinner

    and she said yes too. then we walked over to the vista and saw the movie. what a theater, but remind me to stop buying popcorn, i never eat more than a handful.

    tonight i found the only thing i dont like about my favorite movie theater. i like to hold hands. if youre my girl, im touchy feely. so i will hold your hand through the entire two hour deal. unless you have a tight, short dress, and then i’ll have my hand on your leg like a creepy congressman.

    most theaters have those arm rests that you can pull up and get extra close. not the vista, the best theater in all hollywood. they are locked in. so you have to maneuver in such a way. like what they do to homeless guys who are just trying to sleep on a park bench. i just want to feel my girls thigh – is that asking too much?

    gaga sang her tushy off and bradley did a passable kris kristopherson – that low, rumbling, slurring voice coming out of that fuzzy beard. we didnt realize till the end that he had directed it too and i gotta say, hats off there. but to me, and maybe because ive seen every rock movie, fact and fiction, and this one insisted on all the cliches. its shocking to me that it has a 93% positive rating on rotten tomatoes. but story aside, they both acted well together, shes a damn natural. and he is obviously winning people over.

    high marks to andrew dice clay and dave chappelle. dice can really act, but he was mis-cast here.

    every time it was gaga on screen though, she owned it. very impressive. solid b.

  6. Sunday, October 7, 2018

    aliens invaded america today, it was rad 

    but they were detained at the border, separated from their children, and thrown in cages

    so they flew home. and good morning to you!

    im gonna be having a birthday in a few weeks and whats weird is i dont feel my age AT ALL

    i guess that’s a good thing. no it’s a Great thing. but it’s also weird because i eat a lot of foods i shouldnt. i drink a pop every day and i dont exercise.

    the only thing that makes me feel old is my buddy invited me to this rock festival the other day and some of my favorite bands were playing and we were gonna have full on VIP tix but i said, you know what i cant go with you because it’s far away and im gonna wanna go home after an hour.

    which was the gods honest truth. just the thought of it was exhausting.

    does that have to do with attention span or that i dont get supreme court drunk any more or im not interested in watching half dressed young girls who are the same age as my friends’ kids, or ive seen these bands when they were in other, better bands?

    i think part of it’s that. i feel like ive seen it all. theres very little that impresses me because nowadays everything has to be so perfect for me to enjoy it. the mood has to be right, the temperature, i have to have a good seat, it can’t cost an arm and a leg and it has to be close enough to my house that it’s not a gigantic schlep. fortunately i live in hollywood otherwise i probably wouldnt ever do anything.

    today i was watching Hiking With Kevin and he had Bella Thorne on who is 19 and she says she hardly leaves her house either and has nearly two dozen cats. but i think she stays inside mostly because of paparazi and shes uptight about her acne. who knows. my point is i love her and want to stay inside with her and amber forevers.

    ive been watching old movies. today was the karate kid which ive never seen but knew the important parts. but i needed to watch every scene for the special project. it was way better of a movie than i expected and what i liked the most was elizabeth shue wasnt twig-skinny, she looked like a normal but pretty girl from the 80s. ralph macchio was better than i expected too. and the music was crappier. all in all a+ sorry for the spoilers. blame the alien invasion.

  7. Saturday, October 6, 2018

    is everything terrible? 

    just because some things are horrible, miserable, unfair and full of shit

    doesn’t mean you should give up or forget who you are

    or change how you do things.

    you are not the problem.

    you are the solution.

    well meaning pastor from trinidad and tobaggo was on twitter today saying that stormy daniels’ lawyer michael avenatti was to blame for judge kavanaugh making it into the supreme court

    as if any of the GOP senate was gonna vote against him anyway,
    as if anyone on that side was gonna do the right thing

    the GOP is not here to save you. or me. or us. unless our last name is Wells Fargo or Sacks or Kavanaugh.

    the good preacher said that Stormy’s lawyer was a showboat and that helped energize the republicans and you know what i said to that man

    i said i love showboats. LOVE. because some of my all time heroes were showboats.

    Moses took his staff and said im gonna part this Red Sea in front of you and Cecil B. DeMille and my fellow Jews are gonna stroll across it and at the last minute im gonna strike my staff and all the water is gonna drown those Egyptian slave masters. and he did and it was showboating and it was so nice they made that movie twice.

    later in that same book the Son of God had a huge crowd around him and one of his BFFs said Jesus we gotta feed this throng before you get to the giant speech. so Jesus turned a few fish and a couple of loaves of bread into enough food for everyone, and there was even left overs. the leftovers I would call showboating. of the most divine kind.

    other black showboaters include Rosa Parks who sat in the front of the bus during a time when that not only raised eyebrows, it raised fists and police batons and got everyone up in arms. and she showed those people her boat and she said, take a picture it’ll last longer.

    but maybe my favorite showboater was the dude from Tiananmen Square who had a stand off with a tank. he told that tank, let my people go! and the tank tried to get around him but Tank Man moved. then the tank tried to go the other way, but Tank Man moved that way. eventually Tank Man just climbed on top of that tank and had a chat with the dude driving the thing and they probably would have had a happy little conclusion but the authorities came and dragged him away… for showboating.

    Michael Avenatti aint doing anything the GOP loudmouths are doing: stating their beliefs on TV as often as people will allow them to speak. in this world where there are too many channels and not enough content, thank God for articulate crusaders like Avenatti to stir shit up for the Libs who are getting abused environmentally, financially, in the supreme court, by the FCC, by the EPA, and fuck, seemingly everywhere.

    thank god the Yankees suck and Tom Brady is losing his touch or else id have to start drinking again.

  8. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    can i tell you a secret 

    im a very happy man.

    theres a pretty girl snoring next to me who loves me and i love her right back.

    we’re good at lots of things and not very good at others.

    but we are good about talking about how we can work on those things, so it helps.

    there are people in her past that she doesn’t want to be like and im all samesies times a million!

    we like totally different foods, which is interesting because sometimes she will order something

    and i will order something and half way through i will have picked around the things i hate

    and we just switch plates and it’s the best.

    meanwhile im working on a secret project thats coming along faster than scheduled

    which is good because thats what ive always told everyone that would happen if i could just

    control my own destiny.

    tomorrow im going to a church, then a lakers game to see king james

    then friday i’ll be at the dodger game with my brother to check out the playoffs

    which will be bittersweet because my cubs but

    weirdly im still very happy

    and it’s in part because of snoring girl, who has this lovely spirit

    she just wants everyone to be happy around her

    and i want the same thing.

    i have always, and i want who ever is reading this to feel the sunshine

    because it does come out

    right after the darkness.

  9. The 2018 honest, sober recap 

    the Cubs had two chances to avoid elimination over the last two days and they couldn’t hit, even in extras last night at Wrigley.

    they lost Monday to Milwaukee who they shared the best record in the NL with, and they lost yesterday to the Rockies who had the disadvantage of arriving in Chicago at 2am after losing to the Dodgers in LA.

    Jon Lester and the rest of the bullpen including a couple of starters held the Rockies to just a couple of runs but the Cubs had a hard time doing shit, and really blew an opportunity with the bases loaded late in the game.

    this brings me mixed emotions because the Cubs were not dominate this season despite their great record. it was the 4th year in a row that they made it to the post-season but they seemed to limp in. Nobody was smoking hot going into these last two games except for Lester. KB was still hurting, Strop made a sparkling guest appearance but was hurt, Contrearas had to take a long pause after a swing at the plate, Yu never made a contribution to the team, nor did our actual closer whose name escapes me because HES DEAD TO ME.

    so here’s what i would do if i was Theo, this offseason.

    i would trade the following players to the Angels for Mike Trout and the Bears top 2 draft picks in 2020 and 2021:

    Kyle Schwarber
    Addison Russell
    Joey Amalfatano Jr
    Daniel Murphy
    Ian Happ
    And Yu Darvish and half his salary

    I know the Angels already have Albert Puljos and that The New Babe Ruth at DH but I NEED TO GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE TRADE HIM AGAIN IF YOU WANT ANGELS HES A DH

    This would be an expensive trade for the Cubs because Darvish’s salary is like 25 mil a year and hes got 5 years left. But the Cubs built a damn hotel over the McDonalds on Addison, don’t tell me they dont have any damn money.

    After acquiring and signing Trout I would knock on the door of Mr. Bryce Harper and I would say, we don’t need-need you any more but we would like to have you because KB and Rizzo seem to like you, but you’re gonna have to cut your hair bc it’s ridiculous and you’re gonna have to accept a different offer than what everyone else is sending you. instead of 5 years at $25 mil each, how about 9 years at $19 mil each, with a million dollar bonus for each World Series we win? otherwise, have fun in NYC, no one will like you there and your life will be miserable.

    if the Angels want David Bote too, fine. They deserve some young blood, but we get to take back one of Da Bears’ picks.

    thus concludes my recap.

  10. Monday, October 1, 2018

    did i tell you that amber and i saw beck? 

    do i tell you anything interesting? do i ever ask

    how was YOUR day?

    if i won the lottery i would do all the right things, but then with the million left over

    i would buy a Chuck E. Cheese and only have the best video games and pinball machines

    id have actually great pizza, so great you’d want it delivered.

    thered be special days where kids from the childrens hospital could go wild in there

    and on friday and saturday nights bands would play there

    but the opener would always be my robot band that would play cool music like this

    indie artists everywhere will write songs for the robot band

    it might be the only time they’ll have an audience.