nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, September 7, 2001
  2. can you find the hidden 

    tonypierce.com on my cover page today? sorry that you have to scroll left-to-right. i thought i had fixed all that last night, but thats what you get when you do these things in the wee hours and all you want to do is get a few extra hours sleep and you know that a hot blonde teen is gonna wanna talk on the phone when you should be counting sheep.

    me and sonny watched the awards last night and he said that dudes really shouldnt complain about girls being girls, and we shouldnt complain when they dont want us if we’re not going to complain when they want us too much. and teen girl, this week is being very very cool. so major props to her.

    also props to lilly, who is 18 living in buffalo, who, among the regular cool folks who have linked me this week, helped me get over 4,400 hits yesterday. what also helped was being mentioned by David Chess and my favorite one, This Guy who writes in a language that I cannot place. I love it when people write about me in foreign languages. I imagine they’re saying, “the incredible good-looking Tony Pierce is only outdone by his amazing layouts and witty pokes at the sorry shape of American journalism. Just another reason not to bomb the US embassy.”

  3. Thursday, September 6, 2001

    half the price 

    even though their record is doing well and they have a second video out? Experts in the blackmarket write to heytony@hotmail.com. thanks.

  4. Rene drove me to work this morn 

    and there was a Tall Skinny Girl siting and i said, “there she is there she is!” and Rene said, “wow, shes cute. i never thought she was a real person. in fact, i never really understood what you were talking about.” i said, yep. today was bagel day, and even though i dont plan on being drug tested any time soon, i chose the Poppy bagel. which reminds me of another joke the old man who sold me a lottery ticket told me yesterday, “how come you only see seagulls at the beach? cuz otherwise they’d be called bay-gulls.” ahahhahaha. yeah.

  5. video music awards 

    i know, im dumb. and i know i didnt do all that great on the photo shoot last night, but suddenly at 11pm i became amazingly popular and i had to throw something together. i liked a few of the pictures though. and as long as you have something new for the kids each day, i think that’s fine. even if it’s crap. at least it’s new crap. i met a new online buddy last night. lilly. look for her in my links page. she says shes got no love for the haters. i said, amen, sister.

  6. Wednesday, September 5, 2001
  7. Hank the angry dwarf is dead 

    and instead of sending letters of condolence, people send me pictures of their girlfriend’s boobs, dumbass song lyrics, arguements in favor of the ridiculously dull “Jeepers Creepers”, and insults about my loyalty and devotion to my favorite band, Tsar.

    But what takes the cake is when people try to knock this site for being self-centered and/or conceited. Um, it’s called tonypierce.com, genius. it is supposed to be about me. in reality, i’d say only 60% of what i write about is even about me or my real life. maybe less. i do that so that idiots like those who write to complain wont realize what miserable lives they have in comparison to my urban bliss.

    can i help it if i have the best friends in the world, live in a sweet pad, own a flying car, get taken to dinner by fashion models, and have a perfectly amazing wondertool?

    no, i can’t. and i do all of you nay-sayers a huge benefit by keeping most of that to myself and only letting you in on some of the finer portions of my generous bounty: the best being Tsar.

    That band is the epitome and amalgom of everything that I was fortunate enough to stumble across when I transfered into UC Isla Vista and if they had only signed to a label who knew how to launch new bands, you’d had heard their debut record thousands of times by now.

    But life isn’t fair.

    And every time I gaze at one of my many full-length mirrors and flex, I smile and say those very same words.

  8. Tuesday, September 4, 2001

    World’s Coolest Drunken Angry Dwarf 

    Dead at 39

    fuck fuck FUCK

    It took a short man to teach us that life, too, is short.

    kids, go out and make out with that shy little hottie in the corner – you never know. she might die one day soon. or move. or die.


  9. I ever told you that I hate doctors, like as in a lot? 

    10am app’t today – just to see if my AIDS test says I have AIDS. Nurse tells me that if i get in there at 945 i will get out fast. 945, im there. 10, doc isnt there. 1030 doc isnt there and the waiting room is getting full. 11 doc shows up. He says, I’m healthy as a bull – a healthy one. So I say, doc, my back is killing me – which is sorta true. Let me have some Vicodins. He says, those are a narcotic and you dont want to risk it, heres something else and writes me a prescription. Says that if they dont do the trick then he’ll get me Vicodin. Since he doesn’t tell me how to close-caption, I dont tell him what pills to dispense.

    Get to work at noon. Rode my bike. It’s hot out. Bad idea. Fax my prescription to the Ralph’s so I dont have to wait my whole lunch break for their asses. Follow up with a call verifying that fax made it the two blocks. It did. Arrive at Ralphs and the lady says “need doctor aproval.” I say, isnt that what the prescription is for? She says, “no, inusrance company. this verrrry expensive medicine.” I say, so I’ll be back at the end of the day, then, ok? she says, “no, take three four day” I nearly cried right there in the Ralphs. I ask her if she can call the doc and have him prescribe me Vicodin since it’s not on the “approve-first list” she says, “oh no, that good medicine, go see Doctor, ask for sample. Get a handful.

    Little does she know that my doctor is a practicing Satanist and refuses to be open at a reasonable time when I can visit him.

    Or does she?

  10. stayed up till 4:30am writing this thing 

    that’ll teach me for not having a begining, middle or ending before i decided that yes, i was going to write something that also required a lot of reading, research and graphic skillz. thank God all those undocumented workers i got locked up in my dungeon were taught Illustrator on their raft on the way over here.

    aw damn, paragraph three has a line in it that should be in paragraph two! no wonder you people think im a stoner. when i find the dirty little nite editor responsible for this nonsense im gonna beat him silly!