nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, October 17, 2001

    mexican girl on the bus this morning 

    sat next to me with her Americas history book full of pink highlighter. somehow we start talking. some busses are noisy, most are dead quiet. i like the noisy ones. the guy in the back of the bus had nu-metal blaring out of his headphones and the whole bus could hear it. i think it was Incubus. so terrible.

    as she talked she wouldnt give me any eye contact, which was nice, cuz i was checking out her mexican makeup job, which was complex, and her wet-look hair, which ive always liked. she traced the letters on the cover of her book and drew flowers around the borders of the picture.

    the whole time i kept thinking, what is the deal with teenagers. cant they see my receeding hairline? dont they know that i am not at all interested in the whole Lolita thing? only reason i talk about web cam girls is cuz i like design – cuz i cant do it!

    anyway, this girl has no fear about asking questions.

    she asks: are you married?

    i say: no

    she: any kids?

    i say: not technically

    she: do you go on a lot of dates?

    i say: i have no car

    she: so?

    me: so if the boy doesnt drive, it’s not a date.

    she: whhhhhhat?

    me: totally.

    she: so what do you call it if the female drives?

    me: i don’t know what to call it, but i don’t call it a date.

    she seemed to be disappointed in my answers.

    fortunately we had arrived at my stop.

    22 Filmore | home | email

  2. Tuesday, October 16, 2001

    Happy Birthday, 


    Tall Skiny Girl snuck on the bus early, not trusting the Wilshire/Western train, silly girl, it came on time.

    ive been eating like an idiot. my tummy is not ready for reverting back to cereal for dinner. regardless what the ladies think when my shirt’s off, im not as young as i usedto be.

    last night i did not see Tsar. i stayed home with plans on going to sleep early but the phone kept ringing off the hook. i sorta like having the old fashioned answering machine instead of the voicemail job cuz i can screen my calls, but i hardly ever do that unless it’s bill collectors. i love my friends. and my mom calls a bunch and thats nice. my sister’s pregnant. thats cool.

    i sorta wanna write something to the Taliban, telling them that theyre wasting their time messing with us, but i would only do it for ratings, i doubt they could understand my quasi-English.

    More and more people are finding work in Santa Barbara, and it’s tempting as hell.

    On a scary note, i read from the Daily Nexus that there have been seven rapes in I.V. this year so far. WTF, people! If you are a boy and you want to get with a girl in IV here’s what you do: stand on a corner and say hi to people. Trust me, you’ll get laid. Now either get it together, or quit the frat, but dont make me move up there and join the Red Alert.

  3. Monday, October 15, 2001
  4. theres a small private college near my home 

    that i volunteer for a few nights a month.

    i tutor some of the girls in English.

    it’s an all-girls private college.

    I have signs up that say Play Scrabble, Learn English. It’s a Scandinavian private school and even though they can speak our language pretty well, their vocabulary and spelling isn’t what it could be, so i take time out of my busy schedule and help the dear souls.

    the other night i nearly cancelled cuz i really wanted to go on a date and i was pissed that i had scheduled a Scrabble night with two of the gals.

    they came over, dressed in their uniforms, sat down, and immediately started telling me how sexually frustrated they were. i considered this a tactic to get me distracted from my Scrabble-face and i politely changed the subject.

    then they told me that they had both just visited the student health center and they were clean as a whistle.

    i turned on some music and we began our game.

    I bring this all up, because I might have misread this article this morning, but is it true that the President of the United States declined letting the Taliban hand over Osama Bin Laden because it wasn’t done in manner in which he wanted it?

    Are we both so plagued with tunnelvision that we don’t know how to accept what it is that we say we want because it doesnt look the way we think it should look?

    What exactly is wrong with playing Scrabble after a nice little menage? Is it any different than the Taliban handing over Osama to a third country – and not Fed Ex’ed to D.C?

    Well, just like our President, this morning I discovered that I may have lost more than just the little game. I’ve lost my fool mind.

  5. Friday, October 12, 2001

    i have a crazy typo in what i wrote for today. 

    but im too pooped to really even care.

    where are those twin runaway catholic schoolgirl proofreaders when you need them? it’s supposed to read things bigger than me, unfortunatley the only thing i can update when im not at home is this page here. oh well.

    “sort of” and “kind of” are sort of like replacing “like”, but it’s mostly being over-used by the educated, who should kind of be more aware of all this. sorry, im just sort of sick of editing fashion designers like speaking like they know something.


  6. Thursday, October 11, 2001


    has a masters in art. after noticing in isla vista that he was always taking little sly pics at parties, i became interested in taking pics myself. he has an amazingly talented wife, who is very cool, a killer house and is the best unsigned guitarist in all of los angeles. so, who better to copy?

    oh, and he just posted his pics from kim and ken’s birthdays. and from his trip to the Getty right before the Tsar show last monday.

  7. one of those olde school french guys 

    said that Want is the root of sufferring. i say it’s lack of friends. last night i got to hang with some very cool people who i used to work with who seemed way more like friends than coworkers. and everyone looked better than ever. and even though i brought my camera i didnt take it out cuz some nights you should just be with people and chill – otherwise you end up with pics like the one on today’s front page. ha!

    afterwards me and karisa were doing cartwheels down 6th street in santa monica and she pointed out the fact that i do mine lefty, something i never knew before. see, kids, you never know when youre going to learn valueable information – or where.

    major props to cormac who paid for my drinks (kamakazi’s and beers), francesca who organized the mini-reunion, and “Cherrie” who slipped me her phone number while i was waiting to get into the men’s room. when i have a life, the website suffers, so my apologies, but i hope you can understand.

  8. Wednesday, October 10, 2001

    once again 

    i found my hand down the pants of a new girl and i gotta ask you, what is up with the totally shaved girls these days? quick fact: as long as theres not a penis down there, guys are perfectly satisfied with what you have. shave, don’t shave, sorta shave, we’re gonna be stoked, so don’t sweat it.

    Happy Birthday to a man who knows a thing or two about the ladies: Mr. David Lee Roth was born on this day in 1955.

    on a totally different note, some of Ashley’s friends went to Century City on Friday and saw the first lady of funk: Drew Barrymore. the bubbly Mrs. Tom Green was at the Century City Mall to autograph the book, “Riding in Cars with Boys” and Anne took a bunch of pictures. click here and use the >>’s to navigate.

  9. Tuesday, October 9, 2001

    back in march 

    my very good friend karisa told me not to be afraid of being single, that i’d have a good time and i wonder if she knew that thered be nights like last night where tsar rocked in a way that we havent seen in quite a while and everywhere you looked at the sold out spaceland there were super good friends and totally hot chicks. like everywhere. a couple of them flew out from carolina and ended up at my house showing me their tattoos and insisting that they had been to this very website. and all was good in the hood.

    even after the shots of goldshlager. even after the bud light. even after everyone cleared out.

    even after the photos were taken, even after the upset stomachs were soothed, even after the neighbors didnt complain for throwing an after concert bash at my humble abode in hollywood the beautiful where the toughest desicion of the night is wondering whether to ask said carolinians if they could remove their boots and heels cuz the noise it was making on the hardwood floors would certainly wake the neighbors – if not the scientologists – but then deciding that you’re only middleaged once, leave em on, ladies, and sometimes life is better than you deserve it to be.

  10. Monday, October 8, 2001


    after this weekend’s contributions. THANK YOU PEOPLE. Since I’m not so good with sarcasm, i dont know if one of the people who sent me a buck was serious when they emailed me asking, “what else can i do to help?” well, you could tell your friends. and if they have any questions, have them go to the FAQ.