nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, November 16, 2001

    Nearly started crying 

    like a fool on the train this morning reading this story about the two American aid workers who were arrested for preaching Christianity and jailed in Afghanistan as we bombed the hell out of the country.

    What got me was how they talked about how much they prayed as they were waiting to be rescued. How they read passages out of the Bible. How they froze without blankets or food in a metal container in the middle of nowhere the night before they were freed. And also how a few of their captors said that they loved them.

    I’m sure there will be other sweet songs of victory that will rise from the dust of this stupid war, but I doubt that any will be as touching and as mindblowing as this one of these young women who got to eat real food when they were “delivered” – and their hair done.

    Thanks for all the emails of concern yesterday, good friends. Turns out it wasnt depression that I was feeling as much as a physical reaction that my body was going though to a throat infection. Felt like a small seed had rooted itself in the left side of my throat angering my white blood cells who battled it unmercifully giving me a sore throat.

    It wasn’t until my body’s defenses started in with the ground troops did i develop a headache. I couldnt eat. I wasnt coughing. There was no phlem, no nasal drippage. Just a horrible feeling all over my body. And then shivvering. Then a really bad headache, so I went into the First Aid kit here at work and I got an “UnAsprin”, and people, within 20 minutes, the seed had subsided, my body was releived, and I was a new man again.

    So that’s today’s lesson: if youre feeling like shit, take two Tylenol’s and nudge me in the morning.

    Here’s another lesson: eat Filipino food. Last night Chris picked me up from work cuz we were gonna watch “Survivor” together. She offered to get me KFC cuz she knew i wasnt feeling so good, and she said it was cuz I missed Ashley. But when im feeling icky, i get an overwhelming urge to eat good foods, namely greens and veggies. So I wanted Chinese.

    I work on the Miracle Mile and Koreatown is between work and home. So as she is driving, beautifully, I casually say, “any of these Korean restaurants will be fine.”

    Allow me to digress… I love and miss Chris so much. And one of the things that I miss is discovering new restaurants with her. Being that she is not a vegetarian and down for whatevah, it is an absolute joy to eat with her in strange and unusual neighborhoods. We make it through all of Ktown, head north up Vermont and suddenly I see a bunch of Filipino restaraunts and I figure, what the heck.

    So across the street from the famous Goldilocks, I saw Mr. Billibangalela or something advertising Combo meals starting at $2.99. Basically a Filipino version of Panda Express, we see all the dishes and you get two ice cream scoops of an entree and rice for $2.99 or two entrees and rice for $3.99. Quite a deal.

    Feeling better, but figuring I should give the body some lovin’ I first chose the Spinach in Coconut Milk and Fish oil scoop and the BBQ rib scoop. HEAVENLY!

    Chris chose the chicken and the seafood eggplant scoop. The people working there were nice as heck, so nice as a matter of fact that we looked for a cup to tip them but there wasnt any. So sweet.

    Have a sweetass weekend. And welcome home, ladies.

  2. Thursday, November 15, 2001

    it happens every now and then 

    sometimes i mask it, sometimes i just dont acknowledge it. but today i am bummed. maybe it has to do with sleeping alone, which i despise. maybe it has to do with having a cold bedroom, which is why i moved away from chicago. maybe it has to do with a variety of reasons that would bum your day as well, so i’ll zip it.

    all i hope is that whoever that asshole is who thinks that america should be “exterminated” comes over to my house so that i can depress his ass out. then we’ll have some cookie dough ice cream, listen to Ozzy’s new record, and then call up some girlies and take in a screening of Snoop and Dre’s new film, “The Wash”.

    And it better be good.

    Have you noticed there there isn’t anything that Snoop could put on that wont make him look like the coolest mf alive?

    have i given you a concert review of U2 the other night at Staples? it was pretty good. sorta below-par for them. i almost teared up once, but for the most part, they seemed to have phoned it in. plus, im sick of the waving of the american flag. not unless you’re going to bust it old school like Live at Red Rocks with the twenty foot flag/pole.

    < / whatever. >

    home | Kitty Gets a Brazilian | bitchlist | buy me happiness

  3. Wednesday, November 14, 2001

    i havent lived all that long, 

    but ive seen a ton.

    ive met poets priests politicians. ive seen the wall fall. ive smoked out of a bong that was two stories tall.

    one thing that goes though my mind, like someone else’s answering machine messages is, “boy, im sure glad i didnt slit my wrists that one time.”

    crazy thing is, ive never had a suicidal thought in my life.

    perhaps it’s jungian, or a past life, or something, but yes, i agree with the voice in my head, im glad that im still alive to experience the craziness that keeps me from doing things like updating this page regularilly.

    and maybe one day i’ll share some of those stories with you, as well.

    right now, just know, that i conisider myself the luckiest, non-new york yankee on the face of the earth.

  4. Friday, November 9, 2001

    theres nothing like layoffs at your workplace to make you suddenly appreciate your job 

    and just like everyone, i bitch a little about my job, and my salary, and how im not appreciated and all that, but yesterday my company had to cut ten percent of the staff and it was a bummer and when we realized it was going down i thought about how lucky i am to be working in such a cool place where i can wear anything i want and i can come in any time before nine am and i have a cool boss and i work with cool people. and even though it pays me half of what i made at the dot com, i get paid now to work on my favorite tv show.

    how often does that happen to people?

    and i dont have any bills, or a car payment, or child support payments or a terrible drug habit, or any needs to buy new clothes all the time, so why not work in a brightly colored office where hot chicks roam the halls in all the latest threads and celebs ride the elevators with you, and the security guards welcome you the next day after the layoffs and say, “there he is, he made the cut.”

    Nay is back. She dropped outta highschool, again. She redesigned her site, again. And she got interviewed by a web thing, again.

    I think we’re all lucky to have her back and the web is a better place with people like her, so check out her site and welcome her back.

    I like it, btw, when people link to me. Yes, i do!

    ashley is coming into town tonight. no doubt is playing a secret show that shes going to, and then we’re gonna see them open for U2.

    For everyone wondering what to get me for Christmas, please dont get me anything “patriotic” for my tree. It rhymes with “idiotic” and I never thought it would come to this but I am now officially sick of seeing the American flag. Mr. Bin Laden, you’ve done it again, asswipe.

    i hope everyone has a nice weekend and i hope all your dreams come true.

    home | nay’s back | wishlist | buy me a car

  5. Thursday, November 8, 2001

    nate newton got busted with a shitload of weed 

    in his car the other day, our friend Karisa reports:

    Nate was caught with 213 pounds, yes…pounds, of pot in his car yesterday.

    I had a few minutes of time to put this in perspective:

    Assuming your general pot-head smokes an eighth each day (an estimate):

    213 pounds of pot

    that’s 3,408 ounces

    that’s 27,264 eighths

    So, assuming he’s smoking an eighth per day, he could get high every day

    for the next 75 years. Granted, I’m sure this was intended for trafficking, but who cares.

    Nice Dallas Cowboys of the ’90’s…..Nate Newton, Michael Irvin, Mark Tuinei, Erik Williams.

    They must of had some kick ass parties!!!

    to put a little more of this in perspective: Nate was a six-time Pro Bowl selection (1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 and 1998),

    the 335 lb offensive lineman led the way for many of Emmitt Smith’s NFL record number of career rushing touchdowns,

    he was one of 21 Cowboys to earn three Super Bowl rings in the 1990�s,

    and he had been selected to the All-Madden team for 10 consecutive seasons, beginning in 1989.

  6. there oughtta be a rule 

    on the bus that you cant talk about the bible, especially loud enough for the whole bus to hear. you cant play your radio, you cant eat, you cant drink and youre not supposed to talk to the busdriver. but the problem with people who talk about the bible on the bus loudly is they know just enough to get it wrong as fuck.

    if it werent such a beautiful morning and if my ride wasnt so quick i woulda turned to the man who was lecturing about Lust and told him that he was full of shit.

    he was going on and on about the passage that says that if you see a woman and you lust her, youve committed adultery in your heart. but you cant just be spouting that line on the bus. it’s a super deep line. and if neither you or the woman are married, it cant be adultry. if you see a hot chick walking down the street and you are attracted, or even sorta turned-on, thats not lust, thats not adultry of the heart, fellow rider, thats called being alive and an animal, and awake – fucker. and that’s not a sin.

    what the good book was saying, if you ask me, which nobody was doing, is that if you have a hot neighbor, let’s say, and you know that she goes in the community yard that you all share, and she lays out and reads in her bikini on sunday afternoons, and shes married or you’re married and you peek through your window and drool – for an inordinate amount of time, then you cant walk around saying that you’ve been a faithful husband – or a good neighbor.

    and that’s just scratching the surface of that line.

    maybe there should be a rule about not talking about the Bible in blogs.

  7. Wednesday, November 7, 2001
  8. do any of you get any sleep? 

    tell me what it’s like. it’s been so long since ive gotten any. speaking of getting some…

    sonny brought over a Clipper girl last night. i dont really get out much and sonny has been a friend for so long that he has learned that the only way to hang out with me is to come over and bring something to eat, drink, or gawk at. he brought the latter. i had a twelve pack of beer and some chicken breast so i made fajitas for everyone and we drank down some of that cuban rum that he likes so much.

    turns out clipper girl had a chip on her shoulder and thought that i was being racist by serving her fajitas, since she was, obviously, Mexican.

    if you havent figured out, i have a chip on my shoulder too, so i said, what makes you think your mexican.

    ex-cuse me? she said looking down her nose at me.

    i said, you dont look mexican. and what does mexican look like anyway? you sound like a black girl. you have hair like a white girl, and youve got chinese eyes.

    she took a sip from her can of bud light. apparently i had said something funny and she wanted to be mad but she was trying not to laugh. if only i knew what i had said.

    sonny had a cell phone and had called pedro to come over and when pedro arrived he stepped on a fresh mound of dog stuff in our little courtyard right outside my front door. he was wiping it off on my welcome mat. he was wearing sandals. thats how it is here in LA in november.

    before any of them had pleasantly suprised me, i had been cleaning for a dinner i was preparing for this foreign exchange student from denmark who i had met at the grocery store. dinner is tonight. she had never seen Temptation Island before and tonight is the first show of the new season. needless to say, my cleaning chores were increasing.

    i sent pedro to the back room sink, he chose to use the bathroom sink instead – maybe i was slurring, and i saw his foot in my super clean bathroom sink and i looked at sonny throwing my real majorleague baseball against the wall, and i saw Clipper Girl smoking a cigarette in my computer nook gawking at the porn i was downloading and i started laughing to myself.

    then i got plastered.

    so sorry for the lack of update on the main page.

    someone buy PJ’s kittens, ok?

  9. Tuesday, November 6, 2001


    has two adorable kittens for sale. Both males. Aggressive, playful and riddled with fleas: you can get them for $75 each, or both for $120. email her if youre innerested

    Major Props to Jeff Solomon who helped me fix my computer while he picked up a pizza at Domino’s. Is there nothing that Tsar cannot do collectively or individually? I think not.

    i got to sleep at 4:11am last night, im such an ass.

    Add to my list of things i’d like to do before i croak: write and direct a really scary horror flick. something where you wonder if i am truly demonized or not. something where you feel grossed out and dirty and you want to take a shower after and pray to the Lord that everything will be ok in the morn. something along those lines. i want people to say, fuck man. shit! i want old ladies to point their crooked fingers and call me evil.

    yes, that would be a successful horror film.

    Ken Layne is back after a week in Florida on his honeymoon after flipping-off Hurricane Regis or some shit


    Shelia is back after moving. Read about her latest adventures. Heaven knows she could use the hits.

  10. Monday, November 5, 2001

    installed Norton’s Personal Firewall 

    cuz i’d like to have my computer on when im away and share my Tsar mp3s without teenagers hacking into my machine and stealing all the nude pics that all my fans send me of themselves and their hot friends. but it turns out that NPF is crap and uninstalling it makes it think that someone’s hacking it so it goes into protection mode and right now my computer is in protection mode big time and if it wasnt for Blogger you kind readers wouldnt know that i had a kickass weekend where the Bears came back from 21-7 in the fourth quarter to win in overtime after an onside kick and Hail Mary – shit that never works normally, but all seemed to work yesterday and im glad that i taped it or i wouldnta believed it.

    And the World Series was pretty good.

    Last night I stayed up till 2am writing about how Nay is the hottest, most popular web cam girl around and at 15 she has decided to retire from it all and shut down her site. then i was up till 3am trying to get my computer to let me transfer my files, but no go. So if you want more info on Nay, read her last interview that she did with WebPig over at Internet Gossip.

    And here i am on a Monday morning wishing it was Friday already, but let’s just all enjoy this week, ok?

    ok, i feel like im X’ing – how bizarre, maybe it’s cuz the Raidahs will be on Monday Night Football tonight.

    Speaking of … Kitty Bukkake got to not only see X, but got a backstage pass, and apparently got to go onstage at some point and dance!? and got to stare at Billy Zoom. i hope her camera didnt stay in her pocket all night. Oh, and she got the f’ing SETLIST if only to give us a glimpse of what we all missed out on. X live at the Whiskey is one of my all-time favorite live records. (i had it on tape.) Iron Maiden’s Live After Death and Foghat Live are also on the shortlist.