1. Wednesday, December 5, 2001

    clippergirl came over last night 

    poor kid. the house was a wreck.

    she called during halftime of the game and said she had a hankering for some chili. she’s the only one who likes my chili. tip for anyone who wants to make good chili: don’t be afraid to make it too hot. i also like to have a lot of white rice and saltines.

    you’d think that an average guy like me who has two hours to prepare for an nba cheerleader to arrive for dinner would make a special effort to clean up his bachelor pad, but ashley didnt seem to mind so i figured i’d push my luck. whattya know, she didnt care either. girls never cease to amaze me.

    my chili was real good and everything was fine until clippergirl made a detour after brushing her teeth after our late supper. she came walking out of my room with two medium sized strips of elastic.

    “what, may i ask, are these?”

    “those are bra straps,” i said, and rewound the Blockbuster Music Awards tape that I had been recording.

    if i had been looking at her i would have seen the dirty look she was shooting my way.

    “and who’s are they?” she tapped her little foot on my hardwood floor.

    “you know who’s they are.”

    america is a land of inventions and somehow an underwear maker had created a bra with detachable bra straps so if a girl wants to throw on something strappy or bare her shoulders entirely she can just undo the straps and viola, a strapless bra.

    clippergirl is 21, hot as hell, super smart, fun and likes me. you’d think that that would be enough, that i wouldnt play these dumb games, but if you ask me theyre not dumb. i have a big thing about privacy and i have an even bigger thing about girls who wear a bunch of makeup who think that im gonna stop living my life just cuz i hook up with someone a few times.

    i hit play on the machine and britney spears is dancing in front of the Belagio. clippergirl loves britney. even loves her cover of the Stones’ “Satisfaction”. this keeps her quiet for a while and I must say the water works going on is almost as amazing as the lip syncing, but what’s really amazing is that my dinner guest knows every move in the “live” routine and is performing it right there in my messy living room.

    young boys of the world: i would have rather been alone.

    trust me, i cant believe that either.

    heres the deal, the night before i had fish tacos in brentwood with my old girlfriend rene and just seeing her light blue eyes and rosy cheeks made my heart beat so fast that i couldnt stop kissing her cheek. that is what you need to go for.

    i know that maxim throws skinny girls in skimpy outfits on their covers and sometimes theyre interesting to look at, but you need to go with your heart. chase girls who you can hang out with. chase girls who make you want to kiss them repeatedly. chase girls who make you nervous as hell.

    she pouted as the bra straps laid guilty next to the unopened guacamole and untouched tortilla strips. she sipped her bud light and eventually she gave a big sigh and whispered in my ear, “say, mr. vegas, are you planning on holding at 19 or do you feel lucky?”

    it made me smile. smart girls are pretty damn cool.

    today she wrote me an email telling me it was walt disney’s birthday.

    weirdest thing about clippergirl: we never talk about the clippers.

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