1. Tuesday, December 11, 2001

    howard stern is my favorite tv star. 

    i watch his show on E! at 8pm, 8:30, 11 and 11:30pm. People know that I love Howard and they ask me about his girlfriend Beth (pictured) who he has been with since he divorced his wife about a year ago.

    since Howard has set up a great scam where he has starlets and models and strippers and actresses come up to his studio and get topless and naked for him, everyone speculated that once he finalized his divorce he would take advantage of his fame and wealth and bang as many hot chicks as he could stand.

    what happened surprised lots of people, myself included: he found one hot young girl about half his age and remained true to her. no frolicking, no orgies in the backrooms of strip clubs, no embarrassing flings with loose-lipped bimbettes.

    George Carlin, who i adore, said recently that monogamy is a thing of the past. He said that in the olden days you’d find a nice girl, you’d bring her to your cave, you’d cuddle together to protect yourselves against the elements, you’d stick together and work as a team, you’d make your babies, and you’d die before you hit 30. But Carlin says that because we live so long and we dont have to worry about a partner for basic needs (food shelter water) it’s only logical that we should throw out this ancient concept of monogamy that is mostly based, he says, in guilt-filled religious teachings of centuries gone by.

    i dont know why Howard stuck with the first girl that he got along with, but i know why i dont carouse around as much as i thought i would: it’s dull. once you get over the fact that girls will let you put your hand down their pants, relationships, even sexual ones, need to go beyond more than the frivolous surface for it to remain interesting. the best relationships that i have are with people who ive known for a long time. misunderstandings aren’t taken as seriously, there’s more trust, there’s an unspoken guarantee of more fun in the future.

    Sure, Howard could have a new chick every night, but every night he would have to give them the tour of his penthouse apartment, he’d have to answer the same questions, ask the same questions, figure out what each girl liked and didnt like, remember their names… such a hassle.

    i bring this all up cuz i got the longest bitchout letter ever regarding the fact that this time next month Ashley will have moved to Orange County. the complainer, it appeared, would have preferred it if i would date more girls, act wild, and sow my wild oats than remain friends with the teen princess from Vegas.

    all i have to say is ashley has known me for nearly a year now, we’ve emailed, chatted or talked on the phone almost every damn day. she knows me as well, if not better than a huge majority of my really close friends. and she refuses to allow me to stop being a main part her life. but if it makes you feel any better, i do date other young women. not a ton of girls, just the coolest ones, so chill.

    i dont usually explain myself to belligerent Anonymous emailers, but what the hell, i realize that not everyone has the courage to put their name on something and stand behind it. and it’s Christmas, so fuckface, Merry Christmas, if you have any other questions disguised as judgmental rants based on shit that you dont even know about, my email address is heytony@hotmail.com. The mailbag is going up next week, and im sure you’ll love to see how great your writing looks on my page.

    Speaking of which, I have gotten a Ton of very very very nice letters from readers that I didnt even know existed who have supported me in many ways. To all of you I thank you for the time that it took for you to write, and I appreciate your kind words and your support. Don’t ever think that the negative things that strangers say bothers me, I find it amusing. And dont ever think that your nice notes dont mean a lot to me, they totally do. I will have something special for all of you next week, until then whoever you club over the head and drag back to your cave, I hope you dont get bored of them too quickly. Happy Hannakah!

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