1. Wednesday, December 12, 2001

    if you only knew how lame i am, you’d stop reading right now 

    japanese girl came over last night. it was fine. first dates are always fine. little does she know im an idiot, poor girl.

    good part about having a hot girl over is that afterwards i have a clean house and a decent buzz.

    but fuck that, let’s talk about Oprah and Dr. Phil.

    i’ve never seen two bigger fakers than Oprah and Dr. Phil.

    just the other day i was talking to a really good friend and we were reminiscing about what we were doing when we were 19. when i was 19 i quit my job at the record store and started selling computers. this was like in 1888 so computers were pretty expensive and they were like soooooo slow you wouldnt believe it. so it took a pretty decent salesperson to pull it off.

    one reason that i was able to pull it off was cuz i took this awareness course called Lifespring, which, people tell me, was a lot like this other course called EST.

    i dont know much about EST but I know a ton about Lifespring cuz i got pretty involved with it a few times in my late teens and twenties and Oprah’s Dr. Phil has decided to take every day in these courses and put it on television. Only problem is he doesnt give any credit to John Hanley, who invented the courses, and he runs around pretending like it’s his thing.

    He even changed the name of it to the “Get Real” course.

    lying fuck.

    Biggest problem that I have with this is that Lifespring was never intended to be shown on TV. it was intended for people to experience themselves without others telling them what it’s all about.

    Imagine, for instance that you were a space traveler and you found yourself trying to explain kissing. Would you show video of two people kissing? Would you have the aliens read pamphlets? Would you just talk about it? Hell no, you’d have the aliens kiss each other.

    The reason being is that sometimes you cannot explain certain things, you have to experience them. Some things, the more you explain them the more fucked up they sound and the more you ruin them. For example, have you ever tried to explain Star Wars to someone who hadnt seen it? You sound like a moron.

    So Dr. Phil has decided to take it unto himself to ruin this great course and what happens is guys like my hero Howard Stern gets 30 second blurbs of Dr. Phil yelling at people and Howard makes fun of it and guess what, it winds up looking ridiculous and Oprah gets another bag of money and Dr. Phil ends up getting his own show and gets to write a book and sell a bunch of worthless tapes.

    Fuck both of you.

    As lame as I am I will never tell you the ending of a movie, I will never ruin cool things that DURING THE COURSE drill into you how important it is not to ruin the thing, I will never plagarize, and I will never pretend to be someone who i am.

    now excuse me while i return to my job at the fbi and prepare for my lunch with the clippergirl.

    but before i leave this is what i hope: i hope Oprah and Dr. Phil are on the beach one day counting their money and I hope an airplane loses control and needs to make a crash landing and lands right on Oprah and Dr. Phil and their bodies get sucked up in the turbines and for the next 10 minutes it just rains Oprah and Dr. Phil spray all over the white sand.

    wanna know what i want, Dr. Phil? that’s what I want.

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