Q. What do you think of Mike Tyson?
A. If some guy with dreadlocks and a British accent was going to beat me at a fight, I would act super crazy too and try to freak him out. Mike is following the game plan perfectly. He’s still my favorite boxer of all time.
Q. I just met this girl, we’ve been having sex a lot, now she says she always feels like she has to pee but she doesnt have to pee.
A. Shes got a UTI – urinary tract infection. If you live near Mexico, go to Mexico and get the generic Ciporol that’s probably being sold for $2 a box now that the Anthrax scare is over. Take two pills a day for 5 days. And tell her to take care of the puddy after banging.
Q. I’ve seen your picture, there’s no way you’re getting all those girls.
A. I don’t understand it either. It’s starting to freak me out.
Q. What new records are you listening to?
A. “Glitter,” no lie. And I taped Yo Yo Ma and Emmanuel Ax opening the new opera hall in Philly and I listen to that all the time.
Q. Why do you believe in Jesus?
A. Cuz He writes better than me.
Q. Did you like the Golden Globes?
A. I don’t like award shows. It’s art. You can’t have art compete with other art. During Impressionism could you imagine Van Gogh going up against Monet and Renior? It’s all crap.
Q. What was the best moment of your life?
A. When I won the award for Best Arts & Entertainment Editor for my college paper.
Q. Why don’t you just change your site to Ashley.com?
A. Don’t tempt me.
Q. Why don’t you write the way you used to?
A. Too much Civ III.
Q. Why don’t you write for a living?
A. No one has offered.
Q. How old are you, really?
A. Old enough to know what matters.
Q. What was the best movie of the year?
A. “Moulin Rouge” “Lord of the Rings” and “Amelie” and “Hedwig” and “Momento”.
Q. Why do you like Mariah so much?
A. Cuz she pays attention to me.
Q. Why do you like Bill Clinton, he thought with this dick.
A. True, but his dick was usually right.
Q. Are the Clippers for real?
A. No, but Clipper Girl is.