you’d think with 4 bedrooms and 5 1/2 baths, I wouldnt care so much about the shower in the master bath, but i do. it’s my favorite. at first it was a slow drip. then it became a steady stream. the landlord promised to come over and fix it since he pays for the water and he came over two weekends ago and found Ashley there and said, “wow, you’re a lot prettier than I expected.”
he expected me, but was greeted by ashley in a sundress. i look pretty in a sundress too, but lets get back to the story. the story of my shower.
landlord didnt fix the shower that day, he told ashley how wonderful my fireplace was, how it was the best one he’d seen for such an old hollywood villa. she smiled. she’s always smiling.
when i came home we inspected the shower and noticed that the stream had increased. the hot water had created much steam in the sad blue bathroom, so we changed into towels and read the newspaper while smoking cigars and enjoyed our new hippy sauna.
last night i came home and the cheerleaders had all dispersed. as has become my ritual, i poked my head into the bathroom to see the state of the drip. to my surprise i noticed a stray cheerleader enjoying the week-old sauna while smoking a cigar and reading one of my secret notebooks.
“welcome home,” she said.
only in my life would a situation like this be a bad thing.
first of all, i didnt remember her name. secondly, i had a hot date and being carless, she was to pick me up. thirdly, she was smoking my last cigar.
“thank you, red, what a pleasant surprise to see you here.” i said and put down my briefcase and unholstered my . 45.
“why are you surprised, i was here this morning when you left.” she said and turned the page in my notebook.
i had been showering at the gym after work and i went to my room to empty out my stinky clothes. when i opened my bedroom door i was more stunned than when i had opened my bathroom door, the room was immaculate.
“i tidied up for you.” she yelled from the folding chair in the shower.
not only were all the clothes, books, magazines, condoms, newspapers, cds, and beer bottles nicely tucked away in all the appropriate places, but the drapes were open, the shelves had been dusted and candles were softly flittering around my suddenly handsome quarters.
it made me want to nap.
the ecstasy the night before made me want to nap, but knowing that i didnt have to clean before my hot date really made me want to climb underneath my electric blanket and take a power nap until i was to be picked up for my mexican fiesta.
so i undressed.
when i turned around i noticed that the cheerleader had finished her sauna and was attempting to join me in my siesta.
“im sorry sweetheart, you’ve got to go. i appreciate all that you did here but it was so unneccessary.”
“i know,” she said, “but i wanted to do it for you. you were so nice to all of us last night.”
“ok good, well, heres a hug. i really have to take a nap right now, not everyone got to sleep in this morning.”
“dont you want me to nap with you?” she asked.
“no no, not necessary. thank you, though.”
“well my friend isnt going to pick me up for about an hour, would you like for me to clean your kitchen?” she asked. she was wearing my robe. my robe seemed quite pleased.
“ok look, if your friend is really going to be here in one hour and not one and a half hours or two hours, then yes, you can nap with me, but no talking and no funny business.”
she disrobed and slid into my sheets.
of course i had my Dilbert glow-in-the-dark boxers on and i tried to be suave and slip them off with my cords but im not as graceful as you’d think. somehow i made it in my bed.
it was hard to sleep. we spooned. i looked at the clock radio. she held my hand in hers under her cheek. little tone was trying to get closer to her, so i changed positions.
now she was pressed against my back and her arms were around me.
this is nothing how i imagined it in grade school.
she whispered in my ear, “did you enjoy sleeping with me last night?”
“i dont remember much of last night.”
“dont worry, you were a perfect gentleman.”
“you dont remember the hay and the trick ropes?”
“you dont remember the whipped cream and the bongos?”
“you dont remember the ‘Pictionary’ competition?”
“i just remember pom poms.” i wispered back.
“thats good, at least you remember some of it then.”
i tried to keep quiet. totally impossible.
“are you in love with this girl?” she whispered, annoyed.
“the girl you have plans with tonight.”
“i think she’s spectacular.”
“is she as pretty as i am?”
“all the girls in california are beautiful,” i answered.
it was quiet, so quiet i could hear the radio playing a stevie nicks song next door at my neighbor’s house.
the steady stream of water in the shower was soothing and made up for the mildew collecting on the window pane and soon i was asleep and soon i was awake and soon my date had arrived with a long sleeve surfer shirt with the word “free” printed on the front.
she has a magic spell on me, one that prevents me from looking at her for too long or sitting too close to her. a spell that makes me smile like a fool nonstop.
i wanted to show her my sauna, but i wanted to leave the house quickly before the cheerleader had become aware of my disappearance.