1. Monday, February 25, 2002

    when the olympic committee asked me 

    to help them make the games “more hip,” to attract the 18-34 demo, I put a list of musical groups on a sheet of paper that I said should be rocking out during the final ceremonies.

    first performer i nominated was Prince. i said, he has international appeal, he’s funky, and the chances are good that he’d write an original tune for his slot that would be both parts thought-provoking and a wee bit…how you say…sex-saaaay.

    since they’re a committee, they debated this suggestion and settled on Earth Wind and Fire.

    next i said you need an American rock star, preferably one from the New York/New Jersey area who could sing an uplifting song about the everyday hero. I didnt write down the rock star’s name, so as to let the committee believe that it was thinking it up themselves, but i should have because instead of Bruce Springsteen singing “Born to Run,” the group chose Bon Jovi singing something, I’m not sure, I was pointing, my dog was barking, and the children were crying and screaming.

    Way down the list I wrote in Christina Aguilera, KISS, and Donny and Marie, as a joke, and it’s nice that someone up there likes me because watching Kiss on the world stage, all fat and hairy on a platform that magically made its way around that icy infield is an Olympic moment that I’ll never ever ever forget.

    Here are some other things that I told the Olympic committee when they called me last night to ask me what I thought of the 16 days:

    I said, if the next games are being held in Italy, tell Bob Costas they’re going on in Iceland. That guy is the only person that I know that gives milquetoast a bad name.

    Easy on the 12 minute soft-focus features on the US Olympic skiiers who live in a barn to save money and are supersweet only to be immediately followed with 2 minutes of taped coverage of them wiping out on their Big Olympic Day, losing, and being disqualified from the event. Let the fact that most of these events are taped-delayed to your advantage, geniuses.

    Quit inviting the Russians to these things.

    And finally, if Fox chooses to have another “Glutton Bowl” up against your women’s skating finals: show more skating than skiing that night. The goal is to distract people away from changing the channels, dont reward them for channel surfing.

    If I ran the Olympics, I would also spotlight people who chipped in to my Snoop DeVille fund. I would have Dorothy Hamill say things like, “Thanks JC and TG for your bucks! You two are now honarary Soul Brothers, feel free to display your buttons and enjoy all the praise and honor attached to your new acheivement.” And then doves would be released and Prince would do a little jig.