1. Tuesday, April 2, 2002

    i take back what i said about not liking Stern re-runs 

    this morning on the Best of Howard Stern, they played an old interview that Howard had with the recently deceased Milton Berle who had some interesting sex tips for the King of All Media.

    Howard, of course, was fawning over Uncle Milty for not only his reputed largess in the pants, but for the fact that when he was 41, he made love to a 19-year-old Marilyn Monroe.

    “How do you do it, how do you not explode before it even begins,” Howard asked earnestly, just like any guy would ask another guy if they were driving in a long car ride, or waiting for the commercial to end while throwing back some beers.

    Berle knew what Howard was asking and said, “you have to forget that her name is Marilyn Monroe, pretend that her name is Sally Monroe, she’s just a person.”

    I don’t know how or why or when it started, but I have a very large highschool following and I get asked questions like these all the time and I’m no Rabbit, or I’d turn this thing into an advice column as well, although I’m not nearly as witty as my neighbor to the north. But fellas, listen to what Uncle Milty told Howard, and know that that self-psyche-out has to start way before the clothes get torn off.

    “Everthing is mental,” Berle told Howard and Robin and the millions of listeners years ago, and thanks to the rerun, this morning. “Everything.”

    I’m not sure that women fully comprehend the strange dichotomy between the sexes during sex, but while she is fully concentrating on the pleasure and of reaching climax, many men are doing their best to ignore the pleasure and shy away from the inevitable.

    “Do you think of dirt, or garbage, or what?” Howard asked the inventor of comdey television.

    “No no no, I dont think of garbage,” Milton said, and explained that he thought about the woman, but didnt let his mind control the actions.

    It was a beautiful conversation. The inner game. Anyone can get a girl, how do you make her never forget you. How do you make her tell all her friends about you. About it.

    When you look at a man like Milton Berle — when I look at a man like him, I should say, and I think that that was the face that launched television, and that was the face that was adored by some of the most beautiful and talented women in the world, it makes me glad that life isnt fair, that the most deserving doesnt always win. That sometimes the smart boy wins. That the cigar smoking cross-dresser gets to live well past the normal life-expectancy of his brethren.

    And by live, I mean live.

    Now go do your homework.