1. Tuesday, April 30, 2002

    kirsten dunst turns 20 today 

    but all she can do is ask me about the anna kournikova nudes in penthouse.

    “are they real?” kirsten asked this morning after i sang her happy birthday. kirsten is an early riser and likes to enjoy tea on her patio and read the entire paper.

    “of course they’re real,” i said, “shes barely a b-cup, how could they be fake?”

    “the photos!” she said, “god!”

    “oh, those, i dont know, i havent seen them yet.”

    “aren’t you at all curious?” kirsten asked.

    “there are many things that im curious about, but naked 20 year olds are now off my list.” i said and then consider my statement and conclude that i am a fool. it’s too late to retract them.

    “what was that?” she asked.

    “i said, its a bummer about the kings losing last night. i thought they could pull it off.”

    “‘The photographs are so dissimilar to Miss Kournikova that anyone who knows her, when they see the photos, will immediately know that the magazine did it on purpose to exploit her and make some additional money,'” Kirsten read to me. This apparently was a statement from the tennis star’s lawyer.

    “I wouldnt know anything about exploiting Anna,” I said.

    “But you know what she looks like naked, right?” kirsten asked.

    “That girl’s clothes leave very little to the imagination, and if you ask me clothes are way sexier, most the time, than a girl topless on the beach with a latin singer with a mole, that i think i prefer the photos that she has posed for,” i said.

    “yes but are these photos real?” demanded kirsten.

    “probably. she was caught topless sunbathing last year with her cousin. it’s no big deal, why are you so hung up on it?” i asked the swedish actress who has recently broken up with her leading man.

    “im just scared they might do that to me one day.” she said.

    “it’s just boobies.” i said. “and if you’re smart you’d tell Penthouse where you’ll be sunbathing, tell them to write you a check for a cool million, let them click away and then you look like the victim and they look like theyve got something fantastical. but basically everyone wins, including the teen boys.”

    “sometimes tony,” kirsten said, stirring her tea, “i really love your mind.”

    “oh, why thank you,” i said.

    “and sometimes, i think you’re just a sad little twisted perv.” and thats how i started my day.

    Halfway around the world in Croatia, Anna won her opening round match against Julia Vakulenko, ranked 118th in the world, in three sets.

    this is the first time that anna has made it past the first round in a tournament. her next opponent in the Croatian Bol Ladies Open is Tina Pisnik of Slovenia who won the tournament two years ago.