1. Wednesday, April 24, 2002

    this morning went to the dentist 

    so that they could give a look-see at what used to be my wisdom tooth. all was fine.

    they told me that they had a cancelation and they could whiten my teeth professionally for a ridiculously low price (much lower than the $575 they normally charge). uncle sam gave me a few bucks back in disguise as a tax refund so i went for it.

    if theres one thing that i want you to know from me this month it’s this:

    professional teeth whitening, even from the greatest dentist in the world like my dentist, can hurt like a mother fucker.

    how bad does it hurt, still? remember the line that marilyn manson sang, “i don’t have enough middle fingers.”

    fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckity fuck.

    this is superagent feelsnopain telling you: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

    the bleach can leak into your gums. the bleach opens the pores in your teeth. your teeth have pores. the bleach opens it. if you have any sensitive teeth the bleach takes switchblades out and finds the most sensitive areas and wacks at it.

    i went through my list of blessings a hundred times.

    i reeled off every handjob, blowjob, lapdance, promotion, raise, friendly smile, love letter, lust letter, random hookups with short skirted nymphos ditching their junor college french classes.

    i even dug into memories of last month.

    right now id rather listen to rosie o’donnell sing every barbara streisand song, in alphabetical order, through a megaphone directly into my ear than go through what im dealing with now. that’s how bad this is.

    if the grim reaper knocked on my office door, i would cry tears of joy, i would bend down at his feet and kiss them and stretch out my neck on my oak desk so his sycthe would have a good target and i know i spelled that wrong but i dont give a shit. im dying.

    and the dentist says that tonight the pain may intensify.

    and, now i love my dentist, but when i said, is there anything i can do about this pain? he gave me a tube of toothpaste and said, “use this.”

    beloved drugs of the world, i call upon thee.

    find me.

    find me before its too late.

    find me.