the assignment was easy

go to game two of the second-round playoff game between the back to back world champion los angeles lakers as they took on the tough as nails san antonio spurs.

the only catch was we had to sit right behind notorious white slavery kingpin johnnie johnstone and covertly record everything that he would say during the three hour game.

my unwitting accompliss was my former college roommate, and still good pal, sam.

it was good that sam didnt know anything about johnnie – especially his nickname – because sometimes the untrained let things like that slip out and when you’re sitting behind the Milkman you dont want to have him hear from the two guys behind him anything regarding milk or he’d just get up and slither away.

we got to the game early. loaded up on mcdonalds, beer and garlic fries. we didnt look at any of the girls because sam is married and i was on the clock.

he was called the Milkman on the streets because if he got his hands on your daughter the last time you’d see her is on the back of a milk carton.

he was a sick sick sad little man. smaller than i ever imagined, but who had a terrific looking mexican girlfriend who cracked up over nearly all of my jokes in the first quarter and i got a page from my buddy in the fake squad car telling me to take it easy on the comedy or she would turn around and check me out.

so during the second quarter we pretended to be yokels. after taking out a second mortgage on my malibu beach house, i went for a second round of drinks and announced loudly to my buddy that i had just rented a pair of binoculars.

the psychology behind this is genius, people. for if the Milkman ever had even a hint that the xbi was a mere foot behind him with a high powered microphone (and had just placed a tiny peice of chewed gum concealing a minature transmitter on the suspect’s Nike’s) he would forget such notions when the blow-hard started shouting out things like this to his buddy:

“Hey isn’t that Shaq’s mom?”

“Look his son has a Spider-Man action figure.”

Sam said, “Forget the action figure, Spider-Man is a few rows away from us!”

I said, nah, that’s Peter Parker.

To which we broke into a spectacular accapella version of Run-DMC’s “Peter Piper”

Now Peter Piper picked peppers, but Run rocked rhymes.

Humpty Dumpty fell down, that’s his hard time.

But was interrupted by another page telling me to “cut it” cuz the girlfriend was singing along with us.

Now little Bo Peep cold lost her sheep

and Rip van Winkle fell the hell asleep.

CUT IT! screamed the voice from my inner earpeice. so i punched sam’s shoulder and handed him the binoculars saying, “Isn’t that Rocky?”

“yo Adrian!”

and when we saw Jack with the Waterboy going over a development deal, i said, “God he looks scary with that beard.”

and sam said “sure does, and he’s with the red hot chili peper guy.”

i put down the binoculars when i saw joel brand walking behind Spidey. that bastard gets everything!

since i have had requests to tell more of the truth in here, i will tell you that we did not arrest the Milkman at the game, he slipped out in the middle of the third quarter.

but i did happen to get a nice lead.

seven very sassy numbers from a sinful seniorita.

too much good stuff

theres so much tonypierce hype you’d think that im starring in Spider-Man.

not only are hot chicks who havent returned my calls in months finally returning my calls, but look at this crazy list of unforseen oddities:

dawn olsen interviews me here, so layne links it meaning it’ll get read by millions, thanks bro.

a. beam is tracking my every move. at least now i know my shadow’s name.

the honolulu weekly listed me with those in “NOT A LIST OF ANGRY WHITE MALEBLOGGERS.”

im being linked in Turkey – which might explain the 300,000+ hits i got yesterday.

the good people at mojo radio in Toronto (640 AM “talk radio for guys”) interviewed me yesterday and kept calling me “Hollywood journalist Tony Pierce.” making me decide that unless you have a press pass you’re not a journalist, but it was nice.

the ego had been stroked very nicely and then sara who just returned from the Kentucky Derby told me that if she had followed my advice she would have picked the longshot winner.

well, duh.

you think i read bukwoski just to steal his style?

so with all this good luck coming my way, what will i do with it?

i will send all my good vibes to ashley in hopes that one of the many cuteboys that cross her path sees the supercoolness that i see in her.