my red phone rang.

i nearly shit. no one knows about that line except my boss, so i thought i was getting fired.

it was him. “tony! the instapundit linked you!!!!”

i said, “no way.”

he said, “way! way way way!”

i said, “for what?”

he said, “for your stupid weezer thing.”

i said, “i think this is the first time that ive been linked by him since i auctioned off something ridiculous.”

my boss said, “why do you think he doesn’t link you?”

i said, “i think it’s cuz i dont write enough.”

my boss said, “yeah, and [click]”

it was my call waiting. i excused myself. who on Earth was calling my hot line?

“collect call from Rome,” the automated voice said. i dont pay the bills on the phone so i accepted the call, although i was about to pity the fool for not using 1800COLLECT.

“Tony I VON I VON!”

i would recognize that voice anywhere. it was anna. my love.

“of course you won, baby. i always said you would win.”

it helped that she wasnt facing Venus Williams who had dropped out, but i kept that to myself.

“oh it was fantastic tony, everything i hit was right. my shots were like lazers, my serves were perfect. oh, i wish you could have seen it.”

“trust me anna, we all wish we could see it.” i said. “what was the score?”

“6-1 4-6 6-1” she yelled.

God it was good to hear those upper registers.

“Anna you fucking killed her.”

“I know I know I know!” she said.

“hey did you hear that that st. louis jeweler said that he thought those pictures were of you because of diamater of your nipples?”


“oh shit, anna i gotta go, my boss is on the other line.”


“im so sorry, congratulations, kid, but i gotta go. im sorry, i’ll talk to you tonight.”


“this is the red phone, baby, you know that.”


“ok, bye.”

“hey!” she pouted. “dont you love me?”

“yes, i love you anna. nice work!”

“caio, babeee.”

put down your venus voodoo dolls

mission accomplished.

in a shocking turn of events, venus williams took the court in rome minutes before her scheduled match against russian star Anna Kournikova to withdraw due to an injury to her wrist sustained while picking up a bag.

the compton native was entering her seventh straight week at number one on the wta ranking system as she was expected to defeat kournikova easilly in the $1.2 million tournament which is generally regarded as a tune up for the French Open which is held in two weeks. both the Italian and French Opens are held on clay courts.

williams took the court and picked up a microphone and apologized to the half-full stadium that had arrived early in anticipation to the match that was to pit two of the more popular women in tennis.

“It happened this week,” the 21 year old Williams said at a news conference later. “This morning in practice it hurt and then during the day it got worse with more swelling. I could have played with the pain but it did not seem correct.

“Hopefully it won’t be very serious. Hopefully I’ll be able to practice soon. I’m just going to take some time off and maybe finally see something in Rome,” williams said.

Lilia Osterloh of the United States took Williams’ place in the draw and will face Kournikova, who is not the woman that Penthouse claimed was topless in these revealing photographs.

when asked if he had anything to do with this odd occurance, hollywood journalist tony pierce had no comment, other than to say, “if anna wears that white top she can beat Lilia, but i doubt she wears it. that bitch is crazy.”

nothing in here is true

you know that. so let’s make up something. let’s pretend that me and welch (among a ton of people) worked at a paper in santa barbara. lets pretend that when welch was a kid he had a girlfriend, a first girlfriend, named shannon. and because los angeles is really much smaller than you’d ever imagine, of course shannon would go through life and find a new boyfriend, an excellent chap named justin who just happens to be super close friends with the fellas in weezer.

so of course justin and shannon lived for many years in the house where weezer lived for years when they were making it big way back when, which means that there would have been many parties at that house especially since the tune “in the garage” is really about that garage there at the amherst house which was soundproofed and is the perfect place for a midnight jam at a party.

so in my wildest dreams, would you think that rivers would be at a shannon justin party a few years ago? one of those years when he was taking a break from being a rock star? would you believe it if i typed that there was a teenage boy making a mess of the drums, jamming with justin and some randoms, playing cover tunes of all sorts? and would you believe that the teen sucked so bad that i kicked him off the drums and jumped in?

and would you believe that the shy little singer would pick that time to join the throng in the garage and take the guitar and ask us if we knew any nirvana songs?

i dont think you would.

which means you wouldnt believe that he had a spiral notebook that he cautiously pulled out that had about 40 of the seatle trio’s songs handwritten with notes and chords and doodles which he sang from as we cranked out a half dozen of the classic tunes.

and would you believe the hi-hat was broken and the snares were off the drum and i sucked at the dilapidated set but i was drunk and not believing what was happening.

but if youre lucky or super lucky, crazy ass unbelievable shit like that happens all the time to you.

but nothing in here is true.