1. Monday, May 27, 2002

    i got the strangest booty call last night 

    hot young girl, reputed virgin, which some people like, but not me, calls me up and says shes in bed, and that shed like to crawl into my bed.

    so i go, “strangely i was just thinking how there was something missing,” and since she had accurately pinpointed the erorr, i instantly rewarded her with an invitiation.

    “oh, no, i cant go over there, im too drunk to drive,” she said.

    “no problem, i’ll send a car over.” i said.

    im not sure who the cab company is, hollywoodies, but if you live in the 323, just dial 666-9999 if you want a cab. i cant remember what i ate for lunch, but i can remember that.

    the virgin giggled.

    and then declined the red car pet treatment.

    something about how scandelous it might seem to her friends whom she lived with whom she’d known forever.

    in the coming months, friends, we will go into indepth discussions as to how to overcome the objections that the ladies raise on occasion that are rooted to the age old conundrum of “what will my friends think.”

    high schoolers, stay tuned. if you learn one thing over the summer, that should be your main lesson.

    so i told the young woman that her phone call was very appreciated, and that sometimes is is nice just to be nominated. and i told her that i was going to go back to sleep, now with a nice smile on my face, and i hoped that the same would befall her.

    she said, “well, im not sure, even though im in bed now, my friends are going to take me to a nearby bar for last call.”

    i said, tell me which bar, i’ll have a car outside of it at 2am.

    -9999.

    she said, “no, no, no. i really can’t do that.”

    and ladies, this might be flirtation to some of you, but some men, id even say most men, are far more logical than romantic, and so when an obvious come-on gets pulled back, guys like me start thinking things like “disease?” “terrible rashes?” “is there a penis in there?”

    so be careful.

    and she said more nice things, giggled, and hung up her cell phone as the knocking became louder in her locked bedroom.

    and i tried to fall asleep.

    and eventually i did.

    alone!

    and ive told you many times before that i dont regularilly have dreams when i sleep. some of you have said that i just dont remember my dreams, i say i remember all of my dreams. some say that every one dreams, i say theyre full of it. some say they love their dreams. i say my dreams are dirty lies layed on me while im in a terribly vulnerable state. some say that they learn from their dreams. and usually i say theres nothing to learn from any of those lies.

    but last night i had a dream.

    i had two actually, one was of a young guy who was claiming to be kurt cobain’s brother. he had been in hiding the whole time.

    but the other one was i was the coach of some small college basketball team. we couldnt afford matching uniforms. they were raggedy, the kids were poor but had big hearts. and we won our quarterfinal game in the NIT tournament and i was so excited that i kept yelling, “WE WANT CAROLINA!”

    and the fans were screaming and the players were hugging and i was screaming wearing a vest holding a clipboard and some kid was trying to pull off my toupee and our mascot was running around like a little freak

    WE WANT CAROLINA

    i yelled over and over and finally a reporter said, “this is the NIT, they’re in the NCAA tourney.”

    and i looked straight into the camera and said, “we’re the best team in college basketball. we’ll take them on in the parking lot, at the Y, on the beach. i have a nerf hoop in the galley of my yacht at the club, we’ll go three on three! WE WANT CAROLINA!

    the mascot was climbing a pole behind me trying to get to the frenzy of fans in the upper deck of the packed stadium.

    the cheerleaders, the streamers, the band in the striped shirts and the trombone players

    i didnt even have a mic on me and i was yelling, BRING ON CAROLINA!

    and i swear i nearly had a heart attack when i woke up i was so out of breath.