busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, June 29, 2002

    venus and serena’s mom called me, 

    why you always talking about them white girls?

    i like white girls.

    why you never talk about black girls?

    oh, mrs. williams, i talk about black girls all the time. i was talking about lil kim just the other day.

    yeah, you said she was a ho!

    no, i said that people have reputations that arent always true and it’s unfortunate.

    you called that girl a ho and then had her spit from on top of a ferris wheel in the wind and hit the top of a ticket booth at a carnival!

    it was symbolic.

    say wha?

    i was describing how she had total control of her body.

    you a fool.

    and i was saying that through her mouth,

    dont you

    and her lips

    you stop

    and her sweet sweet

    im hanging up

    semi sweet chocolate.

    click.

    80. a candle in the window

    81. the back seat driver

  2. Friday, June 28, 2002

    billy baby, are we still together? 

    till death do we part, honey bear.

    so why do all these papers say we’re finito?

    wishful thinking.

    thats good. i almost gave my vile of your blood away to the first woman i saw this morning. she had nice legs though and i got jealous.

    i decided to keep it for myself.

    no one has better legs than you, ms. croft

    mrs. croft, to you. i saw the bourne identity over at Sonny’s house last night.

    i miss you.

    and i got to tell you, i miss you too, that ending fucking reeked.

    you kiss your mother with that mouth, baby?

    yep, my brother too.

    you know i was just thinking about how all these Hollywood studios spend all this money on special effects, and advertising, and big name stars, and writers, and directors, and costumes, and…

    cut to the chase, sling blade boy.

    i call it a kaiser blade.

    mmm hmmm.

    and the ending is Everything, yet they dont have an Ending Department. or some suit who’s VP of Endings.

    good point.

    am i going to have to start up a web site called DamnGoodEndings.com or some shit and show all these big wigs how easy it is to put a good ending on a movie?

    good endings arent that easy.

    sure they are, look at Karate Kid.

    ok, mr. miyagi, you work on your crane move cuz im gonna be home in a few days and im gonna want to examine your progress.

    ive been flipping through your pictures, waxing off to them.

    putting it all into a special vial for me?

    we’ll actually maria wanted a new necklace and it’s her birthday next week and…

    hanging up now, gross man.

    getting a new tattoo for you, hot younger woman.

    what does it say?

    it says “tonypierce.com”

    oh you copy cat!

    i know, i got jealous.

  3. when i think of myself as a married man this is what i think of. 

    call me a romantic but i think all you really do need is love.

    if my wife and i could only afford a double-wide, a bird feeder, and a grand am, as long as she kept me fed and didnt mind my beer belly, i would give her everything else she could want: three to four minutes of passion before bedtime, a lush yard, and constant reassurances that her ass still looks good under that housecoat.

    i would only hope that she would let me do my smoking indoors, although that looks like a mighty comfy chair.

    beyonce woke me up this morning, quite impressed that nearly 80 people have permalinked busblog since 6/2.

    told ya it’d work,she snickered.

    yeah, yeah, do you have any idea what time it is?

    i have a question for you, though, tony. what are you going to do about all the nice people who linked you before 6/2?

    well, beyonce, i said, lots of them are nicely linked on my Links page, but i might do something a little special next month. i am an appreciative fellow, you know.

    just then the call-waiting clicked.

    it was anna.

    i hung up on beyonce and took the call.

    hi baby.

    hi anna, whats up?

    just wanted to hear your sweet voice.

    aw, thats so nice.

    so what are you doing tonight, honey?

    hmmm, that was a trick question, i thought. i knew that anna would be arriving in the wee hours from wherever she was flying in from, and i did have a date with Rosalita to see Adam Sandler’s new movie costarring our favorite crook, Winona, but i lied and said, “nothing.”

    great, can you pick me up from the airport?

    oh, shucks, doll, you know i dont have a car.

    i know, im gonna send over a limo and i want you to ride in it and be waiting there for me when i arrive.

    hmmm, what time?

    9pm. i got a ride from John Travolta. he’s flying me in special.

    and that, people, is how i started my morning.

    hope yours began better.

    tony’s lesson of the day: never lie in real life, only on blogs, or you might wind up with a sweet old lady in a trailer park after all.

    79. easy bake oven

  4. back in the days before mtv 

    we kids had to listen to the radio. and twenty years ago The Who released “It’s Hard,” and had a little band called The Clash to join them on their farewell tour.

    Because rock n roll radio has never been very creative, when the Who announced their demise, my favorite rock station chose to honor the british quartet by playing an entire day of their music.

    the pierce family wasnt the richest, but i had all the equipment that i needed to caputre an hour and a half of the classic rock: i put my radio shack tape recorder (the type that had big buttons and a handle) next to the speaker of my alarm clock radio. i made two ninety minute tapes that i ended up playing nearly every day for the next few years.

    people try to knock john entwistle, who died yesterday of a heart attack in his hotel room in las vegas, for not moving very much on stage. but what did you want him to do?

    in the early days the Who not only had Pete Townshend’s trademark windmill arm movements and leaps and smashing of guitars, but you had Roger Daltry whipping his microphone around via the mic cord, but you also had the legally insane Keith Moon behind the drums who’s ass could barely sit still for a beat.

    It’s my belief that if Entwistle moved more than an inch he would have been poked in the eye by a guitar or a mic or a drum stick or a drunken englishman.

    even though the who rereleased their volumnous material since that ’82 “retirement” and have toured several times, and found a mini-resurgence in their music when “Tommy” took broadway by storm, they really didn’t make a serious studio album since “It’s Hard,” which is fine. They were done.

    Such a perfect band with a classic history.

    And now the Who are without their rhythm section and the Beatles only have their rhythm section.

    i, too, hope i die before i get old.

    75. The Path of Wrong

    76. Not A Cowboy

    77. Bunko Squad

    78. Oh, It’s You

  5. Thursday, June 27, 2002

    anna? 

    tony.

    anna, baby.

    tony, honey.

    anna, sweetums.

    tony, studly.

    anna, why do you love me so?

    your body. i really only love you for your body.

    anna, why do you think the brits hate you so much?

    lets not talk about the brits.

    anna, how much money have you made playing tennis?

    tony pierce, since when do you care about money?

    well, people are trying to figure out if you are the number one loser in all of sports.

    ok, im hanging up now.

    you cant hang up, you’re on a cable modem.

    i really dont appreciate this line of questioning.

    save it for the press, blondie, im your friend.

    then start acting like one, and say sweet things to me. im lonely.

    kevin brown.

    pardon me?

    jalen rose, larry johnson, andy ashby

    stop stop, who are these people?

    these are men who make $8-$10 million a year who are big time losers.

    holy– i dont make anywhere near that!

    yeah, no kidding. my people tell me, anna, that you’ve made $3 million in prize money your entire career as a pro tennis player.

    you’re people are good. so?

    so, the bbc or reuters or whoever cant really call you the biggest loser in the world when guys like Mike Hampton, who lost the only World Series game he ever pitched, is making over $10 million a year to pitch poorly for the Colorado Rockies.

    see why i love you?

    The major league baseball season is nearly at the halfway point, which means that he has almost made $5 million this season– almost double what you’ve made in your entire career and his record this season is 4 wins 8 losses and his ERA is over 6.

    Is that bad?

    thats bad, anna.

    why is that bad?

    oh, it means that over 9 innings, he will give up 6 runs that are his fault.

    why is that bad?

    because most teams only score 4-5 runs a game, which means your team will probably lose if Mike Hampton is pitching for you.

    but, tony, you said he pitches in Colorado, isnt that the park that you showed me where everyone hits Dingers all the time?

    yes! great memory.

    so, wont his team hit dingers too and score more than 4-5 points?

    possibly, but a pitcher who is getting paid $10 million a year should only be giving up 2-3 runs a game. even in Colorado.

    i see. yes, tony, you are really my friend. you’ve made me happier.

    and here’s the clincher for you, anna, when people think about baseball, well, let me put it this way, if you ask little kids to name baseball players who do you think they’ll say?

    i dont know.

    well, you start naming baseball players, anna kournikova, sexy girl on the other end of this digital love fiesta.

    ok, tony pierce, studly boy in hollywood. lets see, sammy sosa, alex rodriguez, ken griffey, babe ruth–

    current players, hottie.

    oh shit, sorry, ok, randy johnson, mike piazza, brady anderson, oh-la-la, curt shilling, david justice–

    David Justice?

    he’s cute, tino martinez, barry bonds, jeff kent, jt snow, shawn green, rickey henderson, ichiro!

    ok, ok, you can stop.

    no, wait, this is fun, who else is cute? ok, mike mussina, eric karros, chipper jones, andrew jones, nomar garciapara, oh shit Derrick JETER, Pudge rodriguez, brett boone,…

    ok, anna, stop, stop, you’ve proven my point.

    what point is that?

    here you are, a foreigner, who knows very little about baseball, although you just impressed the hell out of me, if i found out you were looking at the sports section of USA Today over there, whereever you are, i’ll be disappointed, but you reeled off a few dozen baseball players and you didnt even mention Mike Hampton.

    well why should i?

    you shouldnta because he’s a loser.

    yeah, like me, right.

    no, anna. if i asked any kid to start naming women’s professional tennis players they would never not mention you.

    hmmm. so?

    so? so heres who theyd mention, venus and serena, monica seles, jennifer capriatti and you. and thats it.

    well, those are the top players.

    and they are the players who get people interested in the women’s tour, sorta. but you would be mentioned first. and when they mention you, they’d do it with a smile.

    perverts.

    perhaps, but when you have a product, like the WTA does, or tennis in general, or adidas, and you have someone who is easilly recognized associated with that product, you want there to be a smile attached to that recognition. because smiles equals money. you have a value. and some would say that it is far more than the half million bucks that you’ll maybe make this year not winning tournaments.

    and money makes the world go ’round.

    no, your smile makes the world go down, comrade, now pick up some whipped cream and get over here as soon as you get off the plane.

    ok, tony baloney, full of macaroni.

    see you when i get home.

    not if i see you first.

    caio bella.

    dobri den’, dorogoy boy.

    73. Ipse Dixit

    74. Will Wagner

  6. jacklyn said, why dont you put more pictures of hot guys 

    on your blog?

    i said, flea isnt good enough?

    she said, flea’s good, but what about someone like Dave Navarro or Tommy Lee?

    i said, how about Johnny Knoxville?

    she said, perfect!

    i said, but don’t you think, thats sorta, ummmmm, gay?

    she said, tony, nobody who stumbles across this blog would ever think that you’re gay.

    i said, really?

    she said, hello. i usually have to clean my hands after i read it because the testosterone gets all over me.

    i said, ok.

    she said, do you like johnny knoxville?

    i said, yeah, i do. i can see why girls like him, cuz he looks like dylan and–

    she said, bob dylan?

    i said, no, my friend Dylan, from Champion, or whatever their name is.

    she said, oh, i dont think ive met him yet. cutie!

    and i said, uh yeah, so i think guys dont feel threatened by johnny because he will be dead in about a week and a half.

    she said, dont say that.

    and, i said, yeah, and i doubt that his weiner works anymore.

  7. jacklyn called me last night from her miata to cancel 

    and since i was already in my pajamas bottoms and slippers it was fine with me. in the old days i would have been upset since i would have had cleaned up the pad or phoned the maid or tossed everything into a closet but my chick-esp was pretty accurate recently and the post-ponement was somewhat predictable.

    plus part of being a hot chick is to double- and triple-book and canceling becomes part of daily conversations.

    she was no amateur apologist either.

    lately ive been using the fuck out of my george foreman grille. ive been getting chicken breasts at the corner meat market– one of the benefits to living in a city– and slicing the slimy meat into strips. pour a little chinese chicken sauce and basil and pepper on it while microwaving green beans and whole potatoes, and within ten minutes theres dinner, slackerboy.

    the george foreman grill turns that meat into food in three minutes.

    because my carpel tunnel is slowly going away, but still there, i decided to fire up the television and eat on the couch like a normal human being instead of placing the plate on a chair and eating from it while i typed on my computer in the closet. on the news, which i never watch, were politicians and citizens in droves protesting the SF court that splooged on itself yesterday with its unfortunate ruling.

    not since 9/11 have i seen such bipartisan agreement on an issue and it made me happy.

    one senator said that a judge who would believe that “under God” could convince a kid to Believe in God shouldnt be allowed to be a judge.

    everyone was up in arms and suddenly quite religious. sure they were all dirty liars who would drive back to their virgina estates or dc condos and do any variety of very very dirty behavior, but our symbols are important to us, and their cush jobs are important to them, and all the Dans of the country are good for us, even though on this topic they are so very wrong.

    but it’s all good, im wrong once in a while too.

    drank a little more rum than the norm, talked to ashley and chris and jeanine and os and ali and so many other people on the phone and have i told you that i really dont like the phone? it’s true. what ever happened to all those beautiful promises of Virtual Reality? remember the huge sunglasses and wrist pad controller? that was so ’90s, isnt it like way past the year 2000 now?

    wheres my virtual reality phone where i flip on my glasses and i can see these nice people and talk to them that way?

    its 2003 and karisa calls me from her cell phone to mine and theres this 2 second delay even though we are only 3 miles away from each other.

    wtf is up with that?

    i know what it is, these companies are holding back on us.

    just like jacklyn does to her suitors, just like hilldale does to the Lord,

    just like I do to you.

    70. wormtalk

    71. orby

    72. Telerama

  8. Wednesday, June 26, 2002
  9. at least guns, cigarettes and Ticketmaster’s monopoly are still legal. 

    kitten today some pussy ass federal appeals court in Frisco ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional.

    i keep telling you people, anything is possible.

    i wont even get into the ridiculousness of this nonsense since im sure all the cool lawyers with blogs will rip this apart in many ways in a much more educated manner.

    but, thanks for the fodder, frisco. at least now bloggers can write about something other than calling newspaper columnists asswipes for dissing blogging.

    and since this is probably the only blog you’ll click to written by a Christian minister, simply put, i think that spirituality is a Vitally important part of a human being’s experience on Earth.

    duh.

    deny it all you want, this country was built on many of the good foundations of Christianity but the words “one nation under God” is so watered-down and bogus that only a bunch of pasty asses in a courtroom by the bay could find something wrong with it. But you know what they say, seek and ye shall find.

    yes, kids shouldnt be forced to do anything religious that they dont want to do, but when was the last time a kid really was forced to do shit in school?

    and isnt the Pledge a nazish indoctrination anyway? and a highly ineffective one at that? how many of us LOVE america because of standing up with our hands over our tits mumbling some robotic drivel at 7:50 in the morning when we were 10?

    kids are better at resisting orders than anyone. thats why theyre not in the Army.

    frisco, hang your heads in shame. if some freaking foreigner tried to rip the Good Word from our great land, we as a whole would rise up and defnd it in a fight that would be talked about for eternity.

    but when this group of “Americans,” or that group, or the courts slowly nibble away at it like vermin, we sit on our hands like doped-up vagrants waiting for our superheroes to appear above the horizon.

    ain’t none on the horizon, Believers of God, ain’t none.

    drink your microbeers on the Marina, youre the court that brought down Napster.

    youre the court that will get slapped in the face by the Supreme Court.

    youre the court that people will point at and laugh in the very near future.

    everyone knows that making kids say Anything in school isnt a state endorsement of shit. does the state endorse that homo Shakespeare when they make kids stand up and recite Macbeth?

    Nine months later Allah has won another round.

    63. Intricate Plot

    64. kitty bukakke

    65. Get A Clue!

  10. took the girl who blew me off to minority report 

    and here’s my non-spoiling report.

    “Minority Report” is not as good as people are saying that it is.

    It is very very good during its good parts, but those parts do not keep this zeppelin soaring throughout the entire adventure, which is a STINKING SHAME because it could have been awesome.

    Borrowing a great deal from the Kubrick crime and punishment classic “A Clockwork Orange,” Spielberg has obviously surrounded him with spineless wanks who do not have the courage to say to the fine director that sometimes you have to EDIT the waste. I really liked a lot of this movie, but theres enough fat to trim this 2 hour, 17 minute sci fi thriller into a 90 minute work of art easilly. Super easilly. How easilly? Ever pee before? As easy as that.

    But people in Hollywood are soft and dull and solely interested in their immediate financial gains and a Tom Cruise/Steven Spielberg/Philip K. Dick summer blockbuster is money in the bank, so why tip over the cash cow.

    Because you can make tons more cash, gluttons, giving the people High Quality.

    Nobody’s going to see this movie 3-4 times.

    And another thing. Why no super hot chicks? There’s a character who’s interesting and floating in water most of the film and she’s bald. Do you know how many super hot babes dying to be known for being hot (even while bald) in such a non-sexual role? Tons.

    Maybe when im not so busy will i make a list of actresses who would have been way better than Samantha Morton, who did her job well, but added nothing to what could have been a nice semi-sexual sub-plot to a film that lacks no sexiness. But I’m more than used to that on any post-Risky Business Cruise vehicle.

    Tom wasn’t bad. Hardly annoying. Mostly believable. Almost likeable.

    Was there music in the film? Can’t remember.

    Was there awkward comic relief? Some.

    Would I recommend this to you? Reluctantly, yes.

    I am sick of encouraging geniuses, which Mr. Spielberg is, to continue down this path of sci-fi mediocrity. If you want to be Kubrick, bro, you’ll have to become a tad more of a perfectionist. Get an editor who doesnt care about your past.

    And, jeeze, steve, Kubrick was known for more than his weirdness, his look was so easy to borrow from, the symmetry of the shots, the balance, the colors, the optical illusion of it all. None of that was present here. It never is. People borrow from Kubrick all the time, but they ignore the look, and thats a big fat mistake.

    I give Minority Report a solid “B.”

    59. Greatest

    60. Englers

    61. Moxie

    62. Richard Giles