1. Tuesday, June 11, 2002

    best part about getting a new pet is naming it 

    my apartment was invaded by a tiny little rodent last month and anyone who knows me knows that i do not like little rodents and i screamed like a girl and considered many things including moving, including moving far away, including running for the hills.

    and then i got super desperate and made a secret pact with the Lord that if he allowed me to survive the night that i would get a cat.

    anyone who knows me knows that i dont like cats, but i dont like mice worse.

    and this was just a frightened little tiny mouse but — do you have any idea how little i have to pay for my rent? you’d hate me if you knew.

    i dont want you to hate me.

    im watching Regis. i watch him every morning.

    i like him a lot, but i like his cohost Kelly a lot too.

    kelly: did you play sports in college?

    regis: i played football.

    audience: {laughs}

    regis: i played under the name Paul Horning

    kelly: no shit?

    regis: Regis Philbin is my stage name

    anyhow, my next door neighbor got kicked out of her apartment last month because it became known to the landlord that she had 5 dogs and 6 cats in her one bedroom apartment. she could have either gotten rid of her pets or move.

    she moved.

    but she left behind two cats.

    i think one of the now-homeless cats ate the little mouse, which is something that i am praying for right now, watch.

    Dear Lord, please let that cat have eaten that little mouse and any other mouse in and/or around my sweet pad. Amen.

    but last night, after Chris dropped me off from our super fun italian candlelit birthday dinner in los feliz we were saying goodbye in my alleyway, and the church next door has lots of clergymembers who hang out around the doors of the church all night long. some like to jog around the complex. regardless, they all look at me. apparently im entertaining to watch.

    one of the newly stray cats approached me and my exgirlfriend and started purring.

    “please take me off the streets,” it begged.

    it rubbed its neck against chris’s ankle.

    then it stood next to me and looked away as if nothing was at all the matter.

    “here i am, arent i handsome?”

    i dont like cats.

    i really hate rodents.

    im sorta messy.

    my maid is cleaning my home right now.

    i dont think i want a cat.

    but the Lord has delivered upon me a very handsome cat that i think would be able to get along with me.

    i might even be able to make a little kitty door for the cat so that i would not have to bother with litterbox issues.

    i think these days on the streets have been good for the cat.

    i wouldnt want a lame ass pussy cat.

    thats not the sorta house i run.


    i would name it Losty.

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