1. Wednesday, June 12, 2002

    Hey, so glad you could make it 

    i have an inordinant amount of lawyers who visit this page. i have no idea why theyre attracted to these words, maybe it’s because im wrong all the time and i make them feel superior. (which is the only reason i ever find myself on Drudge’s page, so i understand.)

    Max Power, our friend who won one of my crazy auctions, takes me to task for my Tyson defense. Maybe he’s right. What do I know. All I know is what I read and I don’t even read that much.

    Apparently I’m the only man in America who thought that Tyson got the short end of his first offense when his booty call went bad.

    And, to my naive surprise, rape is a touchy situation that brings up all sorts of emotions from my readers, many of whom are women.

    I have always appreciated Law and I have always thought that if I was a better reader and student that I would have made a pretty decent lawyer.

    Perhaps Power, who says he had a mighty fine seat in the courtroom when Alan Dershowitz argued for Tyson’s release on appeal, would be kind enough to answer some questions that a Black man and Tyson fan would like to know about his conviction:

    Why did Don King give Tyson a tax attorney to handle this rape case? Why would you ever put an imbecile like Tyson on the stand? How often do first offenders of a date rape case get three years in the slam? What famous white men have done time for a first offense date rape case?

    If Max is too busy doing things like, I don’t know, earning a living, I will be happy if any of you other counselors could flow your two cents into this discussion. And trust me when I say it is a discussion. Obviously I think Tyson got a raw deal. And of course I think rapists, be they first offenders or not, should go to jail for a very long time– way more than three years– but since that isn’t what normally goes on, why was Tyson’s case the exception… if, indeed, his was exceptional.

    And then maybe one of you high paid suits can tell me why Ticketmaster is getting away with being a monopoly.

    Honeysuckle, she’s full of poison, she obliterated everything she kissed

    Now she’s fading somewhere in Hollywood

    I’m glad I came here with your pound of flesh

    In other news, I can’t believe all the notes from dudes saying that they want more about Ashley. Popular opinion regarding my relationship with her is totally up and down and right now i thought it was down. I thought you people didnt want any more stories or pictures or adventures co-starring our glitter girl?

    I’m so confused.

    I’ve been really confused a lot lately.

    So I will create a poll about Ashley later today and maybe you’ll be kind enough to help me out.

    Oh, look at my face, my name is might have been

    My name is never was, my name’s forgotten

    Did you see “American Idol” last night? Totally classic. Loved it. Reality TV at its finest.

    Absolute proof that there is nothing worse than an uptight arrogant british homo telling you that you cant sing and you have to waddle off in your crop top and heels bitching with each step.

    Put that show on every night and I will watch it every night.

    I dare you.

    and finally, Jodie Foster dressed as a nun is really unfair. Gerald Manley Hopkins is spinning in his grave.