1. Wednesday, June 19, 2002

    mary chapin carpenter has some great sad songs 

    and i always know im in trouble when im listening to her.

    i was in trouble the first time the cuban girl sent me an email. i was trying to get her to let me take her out. normally we ate lunch on fridays with some of the agents here at the xbi, but i wanted to get her out of that mix and see what she was really like.

    after months of pursuit she wrote back saying that we could have lunch, as long as it was in the day time, as long as i didnt pay for the meal, as long as i didnt show any sign of affection, and as long as we didnt share any food. im such a smart ass i wanted to show up with a little 3×5 card with the word “affection” written on it, but im not that cool.

    crazy rules that id never heard before, but she was hot so i agreed and we had our pizza.

    three weeks later, everything was completely different, and we spent every day together for a little while.

    mary chapin carpenter would probably tell me that youre going to win some and lose some in this country song called life, and when you win you should keep it to yourself and when you lose you should sing your sad little tunes, but to be honest im still sorta surprised and it hasnt sunk in yet and i know the things i did wrong.

    i know.

    but dont cry for me, isla vista, i’ll bounce back like i always do.

    if you ever saw this girl you’d say, “no, you wont be bouncing back any time soon.” but i have a bizarre way of being able to shake this sort of thing off. it begins with smoking and drinking on a wednesday night.

    and if you like me you wont say anything in the comments section, cuz none of it will help. just keep being my friend and keep being nice to each other. i knew it was a doomed affair when she said that my house was too dirty and that i lived too far away when my house has never been cleaner and we both live in hollywood.

    it was code.

    we all speak in code.

    my code is superhonesty. it might sound like bs sometimes when i say it, but i mean it.

    i might say it with a funny tone or sarcastically, but it’s true.

    sometimes everything in here is true.

    in other news, the cubs won in the bottom of the ninth last night.