always seems to know when my house is clean, or i have a nice new bottle of rum, or beer in the fridge, or something worthwhile over at the house that he can put his dirty paws on.
last night he came over for the game.
i was on the computer, trying to ignore him. no such luck.
he found my diary. my real one. he was flipping through it.
“your handwriting is horrible.”
i do that so that creeps like you will get frustrated and quit reading.
“fuck, man, you were getting That chick?”
i was being used. it’s not what it looks like.
“how on Earth are you doing this?”
cycles. sometimes youre up sometimes youre down. it has zero to do with me, trust me. zero.
“so when is my cycle going to come?”
well, you, sonny, have bad karma, your time might not ever come.
he kept reading. we ignored the game. around the fourth quarter he turned on howard stern, but crawled into a little ball like a chick and read more of my diary. it was the most that ive ever seen him read at one sitting.
when the game was over he flipped around the stations and eventually finished my diary.
“so let me get this straight. there are three girls youre chasing now. one girl is crazy about you and will do anything for you. the other is on the fence, she wants to be your girl but only if you settle down with her. and the other isnt at all interested in you.”
first of all, im not chasing anyone. so maybe you should read that shit again.
“i say you go for the girl who loves you.”
listen to me, im not going for anyone. it’s called dating. you should try it. you get to meet people. meeting people is nice sometimes.
“but instead of going for the one who loves you, you’re blowing her off. and it sounds like youre blowing off the fence-chick too, who, by the way is hotter than all three of them.”
okay, you drank all the beer. fucker. youre drunk. one girl cant be hotter than all three of them if shes one of the three! and i told you not to put your butts in the bottles, that shit is sick.
“then find your one stupid ashtray!”
i think you should go home now.
“but the psycho thing is, you’re fully going for the one chick who isnt even slightly into you.”
what are you even reading?
“this chick barely even knows you exist and you write about her like crazy. you should get your head examined.”
leave my house. go bother someone else. leave.
“i agree with ashley, i think you’re gay.”
exunt. be gone with you. adios.
“and get some ashtrays, asswipe.”