1. Thursday, July 11, 2002

    met her at the baja fresh salsa bar 

    i was just there for some taquitos, little did i know that id leave the place with her email address.

    i asked for her number, but she sized me up and probably figured i couldnt afford a computer. so she gave me her hotmail address.

    hotmail, i said to her as she handed me the napkin, thats pretty hot.

    she scowled. secretly loving my pun. of course she did.

    little did she know that i knew my way around the computer and i emailed her some nice letters and she found my website but still she was playing hard to get and made me wait months until i cornered her straight up at that very same salsa bar, and gave her the, “im young, you’re young, lets have fun,” line. which never works, but she emailed me back with these demands when i offered to take her to a romantico lunch.

    she wrote: Don’t press your luck! Just kidding. Here are the rules:

    NO kissing or any sexual behavior what so ever.

    NO romantic gestures such as paying for my meal or bringing me flowers.

    NO sharing of food.

    NO cameras or audio recording devices.

    If you can live with that, I’ll meet you out front of Marie Calander’s at noon.

    a week later she was on my couch shaking. i said why are you shaking? she said, cuz youre a boy and this is scary for me. i said dont be scared all im gonna do is kiss you. she said, oh no youre not. i said, im going to put my hand on your neck, im going to nuzzle up to you, im going to press my lips against yours and then im going to tounge wrestle with you. so get ready.

    she closed her eyes and sucked in her lips, giving me no target whatsoever.

    i didnt make a move.

    she opened up one eye.

    dont listen to people who tell you to look at a girl’s body language. everything is a fake out, fellas. everything. you are the one they want. you are the one theyve always wanted. you. girls want to kiss. they buy lipstick and gloss and liner and fancy clothes, they shave their legs, they work out they eat right they clean their ears, they do myriads of things you’ll never even know all so you will kiss them on a tuesday night in hollywood.

    and i kissed her.

    and it was terrible.

    she said, happy?

    i said, how can i be happy? lets do it right this time. she said, get out, no way. no! i said, i know you can kiss. you told me how much you like making out. lets kiss.

    she said, its dark, ive never been this east in hollywood. you live near that scary church, you write about being with all these women.

    i said, it’s not that dark. welcome to east hollywood. thats not a church its a cult, and nothing on my site is true so pucker up.

    she said no.

    i said, then porno kiss me.

    she said what the hell is that?

    i said just stick your tongue out for the camera and i’ll stick mine out.

    she laughed and thats when i got her.