1. Tuesday, July 2, 2002

    sammy sosa! 

    tony pierce!

    sammy sosa, king of the world, blower of kisses to your momma, home run love god, all around cool dude, hero of the underdogs, and top vote getter for all the all-stars.

    tony pierce!

    sammy, i know your english isnt all that great but im so happy to be interviewing you for my web site.

    como esta?

    im doing awesome sammila, awesome. but sammy, nothing could top what you’ve been doing for the last few years. in ’98 you hit 66 homers and brought the Cubs to the playoffs, in ’99 you hit 63, in 2000 they walked you 91 times so you only hit 50, last year you hit 64 and so far this season youve hit 27. you’re on par to hit 60 again.

    im da man.

    hell yeah you are, bro. i mean, in the history of baseball, before you showed up, at least, only two guys ever hit over 60 homers, and now youre about to do it for the fourth time. they should put you in the Hall of Fame right now.

    i’m already in the Hall.

    well, your 66th home run ball is in there, but they should give you your plaque, retire your number, name a street after you. how do you do it sammy?

    mind over matter, tony. but you know that.

    sammy, are the cubs going to win the world series before i die?

    you’re 108 years old, right?


    no, we wont win before you die.

    sammy, is the tribune corp a good owner of the Cubs? are they good for baseball?

    tony, i read your web pages every day. in fact i have learned many things from you, including many phrases and themes. and one thing that i have never seen you do is talk trash about your employer.

    tribune company sucks that bad, huh?

    they pay me $12 million this year, tony. they gave me a $6 million signing bonus last year. next year they pay me $13 million. every day they send someone to shake my hand when i come into the clubhouse to thank me for being here. ive been traded three times in the major leagues. nobody has treated me better than my current boss.

    were you sad to see your pal Mark Grace not get re-signed by the Cubs after he spent 13 years with the club?

    yes, very sad, mark was a staple in the city of chicago, and a super cool dude. it was sad to see him go, but i rooted for him during the world series and not only did he get his ring, but he helped that team big time win it. mark grace is a class act and when his time came, he showed up and delivered. i blow kiss to him. mwah!

    sammy, whaddup with these bobbleheads?

    at first i think they were funny. we no have bobble heads in dominica. so at first i laugh. but now it’s played out. im sick of it. everyone is getting a bobblehead day now. our equipment manager Yosh Kawano, i think he’s the only Cub that didnt get a bobblehead day. but thats the only one that i would keep forever. i fucking love yosh.

    ok sammy, i gotta run. is there anything you want to say to the fans who might be reading this web page?

    i love you, say your prayers, be excellent to each other, don’t have a cow, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

    anything else?

    im super stoked for you that little green footballs linked your skinny ass.

    amen to that sammy. i have always loved that site. oh wait, one more question: if this were “Survivor” and you could vote off one all-star who would it be?

    Bonds cuz he’s a pussy ass punk.

    sammy sosa!

    i mean, nobody, i love you all, i love my momma, two kisses i blow to you. mwah mwah! one love. harry caray forever!

    85. little green footballs