1. Wednesday, September 4, 2002

    took a hot chick to see wesley snipes new boxing movie 

    “undisputed.”

    since i know that a lot of hollywood producers and writers and actors read my blog i have some tips for you all.

    first, quit making boxing movies.

    pro boxing is barely interesting as it is and you have very little chance now, post-Rocky III to make a decent movie about this “sport”.

    in order to try to make things slightly different, “undisputed” tries to make it about boxing in prison with a mike tyson-ish pro boxer serving some time (played decently by Ving Rhemes) in a state prison who challenges long time convict (snipes) who has been in the pokey ten years and hasn’t lost a fight… yet.

    now the only way that you can write this decently is to have both fighters respect each other, a little. Ving’s character is undefeated outside of the jail, Snipes is undefeated inside. they should respect each other. then they should hate each other for some reason. Snipes because Ving is the man he could have been if he hadn’t done whatever fucked up shit he did, and Ving should hate Snipes because … oh, i don’t know, lets say because he is a far more spiritual and centered individual despite the fact that he has a

    ball and chain around his leg. but what would be better is, if Snipes wasn’t played by Snipes at all, but by a white guy. let Ving hate him because he’s strong, proud, formerly rich, and white. white white too, like Ed Norton.

    undisputed doesn’t have any of this tension cuz it sucks shit.

    then what you have to do is make them learn something from each other. the Snipes character can learn that he is, lets say, a teacher that he never thought he could ever be. he can teach the Ving character that life ain’t solely about the bitches and money, but finer things like inner peace and being a good man. he can also teach him some sweet jailhouse jackmoves that Ving can use when he tries to regain his title once his time has been served.

    Ving can teach Wesley about celebrity being a prison. about how a black man isn’t respected any more outside the prison than inside. in many ways Snipes is more respected inside the jail than the Tyson-type is treated outside the jail.

    and then of course you need to have them brawl and kill each other.

    as in dead.

    as in fucking romeo and juliet i cannot believe they both broke each others necks in the double psyche-out battle that ends in a double brain damage blood spurting oh my god oh my god someone get a doctor, Ed Lover made a great play by play guy in “undisputed” and his comedic sensibilities would have contrasted perfectly with how he could have narrated the mayhem when

    these two fine athletes and men ended up doing to each other what the brutal sport does to all participants: destroys them, spits them out, and cleans the canvas for the next two suckers.

    instead “undisputed” gives us flat characters, absolutely no blood, no sex, and very little violence.

    big fat rotten terrible fakeout movie directed by someone who has made some damn fine movies in the past but here phones in his little film and sends the crowd home unsatisfied and wanting to break some asshole’s nose.