1. Tuesday, September 17, 2002

    was checking out last night’s conan 

    on comedy central while eating my chinese leftovers at my desk for lunch when my boss’s boss, this super dooper hot black woman who looks like a young whitney crossed with a younger vanessa williams, tapped me on the shoulder.

    sonny, come with me. she ordered.

    trailed her as she made her way to the elevators. everyone knows her. looked like everyone had some business with her.

    “we never got that approval from IT,” someone shouted at her.

    “tell em to call Phil.” she’d yell back.

    “the houston guy says that he doesnt want to do it for under a thousand,” some complete babe smiled at her.

    “tell him it’s three hundred or we’ll get it from mexico.”

    i loved this woman. and she did it in heels!

    we got on the elevator, she put her key in, turned it and pressed a button that ive pressed before. B2. second basement. property room. otherwise known as the evidence room. at the xbi we dont really have “evidence,” we dont really go to court as xbi agents. we just have stuff that we’ve collected over the years that we use to get either more stuff or people or use as bribes or blackmail, extortion, etc.

    ding. door opened. she smiled at the two guys who opened the door for her. that led down a little hall with a thick door and a tiny window. we could hear a phone ring in there. then the door opened. two more guys opened the door and had us each sign a sheet that hadnt been signed in two days. names id never seen before. when i handed back the pen, i was given a pair of rubber gloves and i snickered.

    “one joke, sonny, and these two gentlemen will hold you as i pummel you,” she said. thats when they snickered.

    i thought to myself, “you dont have to have them hold me down, baby.”

    “i heard that,” she said. and tapped her esp earpiece.

    creeped out, i started humming “hot in herrre.” by nelly, bitch.

    stepped into one of the many evidence rooms. was instructed not to touch anything, a beanie with a propellor on the top cuaght my eye and i put it on as i followed her down the aisle.

    she turned around and i prentended everything was fine.

    “take that off immediately, agent.” she said.

    “take what off?”

    “thats a Lying Hat.” she warned.

    “then it’s worthless cuz ive never told a lie in my life.” i said.

    and the propellor started to spin and a tiny toy monkey appeared from within the propellor’s center, did a little jig, and just as quickly, retreated back into the cap.

    “im here to ask you your advice on this new item,” she said. i kept the cap on. i wanted her to love me.

    “this,” she said, “is 2-minute Acid.”

    “LSD?”

    “yes.” she said. “it works for two minutes and wears off.”

    “i dont think theres any use for that.” i said.

    my propellor spun and the monkey appeared and began breakdancing, finished with a headspin and sunk back into the cap.

    “you’re going to wear out the batteries.” she said.

    i took off the cap and she said, “no, no, no. leave it on. you look cute in it.”

    so i left it on.