1. Wednesday, October 2, 2002

    aruba, island of mystery. 

    history as strong as the tradewinds that cool off the tourists as they bake. once known as the alcatraz of the carribian and the home of the largest prison in south america, local legend has it that if you trap one of the adult iguanas you’ll get three wishes if you agree to let it go…

    i’ll give you three wishes if you let me go.

    no one is imprisoning you.

    i know, but you look like a nice fellow.

    no, thanks, my life is fine, i said. and went back to reading white oleander. damn good book.

    anything you want. do do do. no strings attached.

    move along, reptile. im on vacation. no talking to things that dont really talk right now.

    i used to be a prisoner on this island. i can talk.

    i want the cubs to win the world series. i want president bush to resign. i want tsar to play on my birthday.

    first of all, the cubs arent even in the playoffs. secondly, i cannot influence world politics. and thirdly, tsar is in the studio making a new record for your ass. pick three new ones.

    lousy lizard.

    come on. most people think this is fun.

    i would like some more girth in my manhood.

    no you dont.

    sure i do.

    size doesnt matter. ask for something else.

    i would like you to leave me alone.

    i will after you wish for two more things.

    you’re taking a wish away from me?

    i’m not taking. im granting. two more now, tony

    you know my name?

    of course. just cuz im an iguana doesnt mean im a dumb schmoe.

    for a magic talking iguana, you’re sorta boring.

    come on, dont you want a new job or anything?

    ok, yes, i’d like a new job. something creative. where i’m loved by millions and i dont have to carry a gun any more.

    great. before christmas you’ll have a new job.

    really.

    yup.

    wow.

    yep. now ask for another.

    i want a bunch of girls to tell me im a great writer and then kiss me.

    what if some of them used to be men?

    no, thank you.

    what if some of them have little moustashes?

    whatever.

    what if some of them have little beards

    now youre pushing it. what about some pretty girls?

    okay tony. your wishes have been granted. now kiss me and they’ll come true.

    and i kissed the iguana and he turned into a mermaid and jumped in the sea and swam off into the sunset.