1. Wednesday, October 2, 2002

    i hadn’t even gotten fully out of my flying car 

    when blah blah blah from viacom said that they wanted my help saving vh-1.

    i told them that i wasn’t interested in saving vh-1.

    they opened up a briefcase of money. i said give to caesar what’s caeasar’s.

    they said ok and forget about the stones at staples on halloween, what about a pair for their wiltern gig?

    i paused.

    then kept moving. fuck vh-1.

    they said we can get you a date with mariah.

    i said i cant do a divorced woman.

    they said we can make christina aguilera fall in love with you.

    i said vh-1 needs to hire courtney love.

    let her be on the air as much as she wants.

    i want to see cooking with courtney, caulking with courtney, child rearing with courtney, chatting with courtney, and coughing with courtney.

    not only is she a fine musician her self, sexists, but she’s rock royalty, and if she’s not her little girl is, so god save the queen.

    i let them in my house! and said, what you did with her on mtv2 giving her 24 hours was brilliant, but “behind the music” is filler when theres nothing to watch on saturdays. courtney is such an attention whore she’d do it for peanuts. and don’t let her fool you, shes as much into fleetwood mac as she is in fugazi. “malibu” is VH-1 101. not even boomers want to feel old and in order to stay away from celine you need courtney.

    it doesn’t need to be live. her friends are michael stipe (whose music you should be playing more of) and billy corgan and probably quite a few other interesting people who would give your channel the cool factor that has always resisted your eager grasp.

    and secondly, you should bring back Rock N Roll Jeopardy.

    That guy from “Survivor” was a good host, but i think you need to hire David Lee Roth for a week.

    The week after that let Bob Costas do it. I can’t stand Costas, but he’d be perfect.

    The week after that have David Byrne, and then Quincy Jones, and then Kurt Loder, and then Moby.

    they said those are brilliant ideas.

    i said thank you.

    they said, you far exceeded your reward, what else can we do for you?

    i said, please fire john norris. i have no clue why i always have to see that guy on my mtv. who does he have photos of? mtv is notorious for letting people go sooner than later. from johnny knoxville, to jenny mccarthy, kennedy to tom green to tabitha soren to remote control to puck, you have no problem letting perfectly good interesting people leave right when they are about to explode.

    why are you hanging onto john norris like he’s your raggedy ole rabbit’s foot?

    he’s entirely forgettable in every way.

    i have nothing against the man, he’s not annoying, but his presence is.

    why not let that fat skinhead kid on m2 get a little face time?

    that kid’s unbelievable.

    he’s got tattoos and the lingo and the poise and the double chin.

    america is ready for whatever his name is.

    and that’s who you need to hook up with christina, not me.

    i’d totally corrupt that little girl.