1. Friday, October 18, 2002

    i’ve been trying to break off things with ashley for years. 

    why? because im insane.

    strangely, ashley never lets me break up. no matter what i say.

    the other day right before my softball game, i went over to her online diary to see if she wrote about me, and i saw that for the second day in a row she wrote about how much she loved her first boyfriend ever, who i think is an idiot. so i told her that its obvious that she needs to either finish things up with him, or pursue him or end things with him before she starts hanging out with someone else. but in the meantime, i told her, she needs to lose my phone number and return the keys to my mansions.

    she thought i was kidding but i wasn’t kidding. plus i had a softball game to go to so i hung up on her, something that i rarely do.

    so we tied at softball. lame, i know. and when i got home i showered, went to bed, and was not disturbed by a tearful phonecall from orange county and i was grateful.

    now, xfoo.org says that he wants me to tell the truth more in these entries, so here goes, bro.

    theres good news and bad news for letting the hotties have keys to your crib. the good news is they can show up and make their selves comfy while you’re saving the world and when you come home they can be lounging in the lazy boy in high heels and garterbelts.

    the bad news is they can break into your home when you’re least expecting it.

    got home last night through the back door.

    first thing i notice is a trail of little candies leading to the great hall. there the candies formed a heart. in the middle of the heart was a hand written sign that said:

    tony, october is the month of tricks and treats, follow the path to find your reward

    i was scared. what would i find? i saw that one trail of candies led to the front door and one led to the bedroom.

    i followed the one to the front door and considered flying to the beach house.

    instead i shut the drapes, turned off the lights and followed the treats up the spiral staircase to my bedroom.

    i could smell candles. i was hoping i wouldn’t find a blood soaked corpse and a dramatic farewell note.

    i’m barely a reason to click over to while killing time on the web, im certainly not worth

    omg

    opened the door and saw a blond girl with her back to me, laying in my bed with a pink plaid miniskirt, knee high f me boots, and a see thru black blouse.

    mama mia!

    made sure she was alive with a few curious pokes with my pointy finger, stirred the tearful princess, hugged, and reconciled.

    my life couldn’t be stranger, xfoo.com. i am not a handsome man. my little castle only has one spire. my moat’s not heated and instead of a pet dragon all i attract in it are ducks and algae. in the summer it sorta reeks.

    why do i end up with a special guest star in my home sniffling back her tears apologizing and saying she’ll do anything that i want? it’s not because of my mighty sword. its not because of my tangy cous cous. and it’s definitely not because of my unlimited supply of simpsons memorabilia.

    i think it happens because i avoid it.

    what you resist persists, they tell me.

    and lord knows i resist absolute good for some reason.