1. Wednesday, October 16, 2002

    theres a sexy cheerleader who comes over to my house 

    every now and then because she doesnt get mtv so last night we were watching FM Nation which is one of mtvs new shows and it was pretty horrible but we stayed glued cuz, well, there aint that much else on tv.

    i’d like to hold hands with her but it never feels that comfortable. sometimes she puts her head on my shoulder or on my lap but that doesnt really do it either. sometimes it does but not all the time.

    we’ll order chinese or fix something on the george foreman grill or what have you and drink wine and maybe kiss goodnight which is what we did last night and she told me that i could have anything i wanted at any time. i told her she was drunk. she said no. that i was listening to the devil part of my brain too much, the part that i had told her about the part that says youre not good enough, that youre too this or not enough that.

    i said i want to have a cheerleader girl who i will feel comfortable holding hands with.

    she said no you dont.

    i said of course i do, doesnt everyone.

    shes got pretty good esp that i can pick up from time to time what have you and she just esped that for some reason i feel good about our relationship and so does whoever makes sure that these things happen. theres a reason for everything and theres a reason that certain things feel right and other things dont.

    she said, who do you think of when you write your poems.

    i told her i dont write poems any more.

    she said, fine, who do you think of when you write on the internet.

    i esped you.

    she smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

    it’s not a game. it’s totally cool. i have a landlady who’s 91 who lives in the upstairs corner apartment and sees all the people who come in and out of my apartment and sometimes she will call me right when my night is done. sometimes she can see me walk someone out and skip back and sometimes she can see me not walk someone out but stand in the doorway. and sometimes she can see me walk someone out and not come back for a little while and then float back.

    she’ll say its none of her business but… then she’ll ask me who i like the best. and i tell her i like the ones who treat me the best the best.

    she says, you mean the ones who cook for you? i say no. she says, you mean the ones who kiss you, i say no.

    91 and you dont know what being treated nicely means?

    she says she hadnt been treated very nice for much of her life.

    then she says that im the nicest person shes ever met and that makes me feel pretty crappy cuz im not all that nice to her other than taking her calls now and then.

    cheerleader girl called me up today at the office. too many people called me here today.

    she said i liked your blog today.

    i said how come?

    she said cuz when i looked at it i could see you. you were out there.

    then she said if anyone ever treats you bad, walk away and dont ever let them back and that goes for me too.

    and then she said something that made me laugh and then she was gone and i was alone at my desk that wont be mine in a few more days and i thought about what i was going to have for dinner.