over on matt welch’s site

a character named “franklin” wonders:

So Tony is taking posts from his weblog and turning them into a book? One would think a creative genius of his calibre would be able to come up with some new material… there are a lot of things to spend my money on, why spend on something that’s free online?

fair question.

but before i begin, please let me tell my friends that they will be getting the books for free. so quit paypalling me because i just found out how to refund your asses. if you want you can buy one at the discounted rate if you are buying it for a friend or a family member, but if youre just getting one for yourself and youre my friend, it’s on the house. it’s my christmas gift to you. just give me your address so i know where to send it.

what constitutes a friend? good question. a friend is someone whose phone number i have on my phone list. a friend knows where i live. a friend knows how devistatingly handsome i truly look in real life and only laughs at these photos of me on the web.

a friend either went to school with me or worked with me or got me out of hot water with the law or jammed in a band with me or repelled half dome with me or set me up with some super fly bitches back in the day.

k, now, franklin. you should buy this book because what i write here cannot be read when youre on the can, it cannot be read in a bus, it cannot be read on a plane or a train or in the backseat of a car as youre driving up the 5 to visit your ex-girlfriends parents over thanksgiving. thats why they make books.

also a book made of past blog enteries looks differnet on the page, it reads much more as a story, it has a different feel. you can wrap it up and give it as a gift. you can put it on a shelf and refer to it.

why do people buy the dvds of their favorite films? why dont they just remember what they saw? why dont they just wait for it to get on hbo or wait for it to get on abc?

yes i will be putting new stuff in there, and poems and pictures and commentary, but the bulk of the book are the old posts in different order than you might expect, for example there will be a whole chapter just on the conversations between me and ms. anna kournikova. some never before seen.

you should also get it because lots of columnists compile their columns and turn it into books. why punish the man who has organized his words on computer?

instead you should reward the lad who has brought you all this great joy.

or franklin, if you really see no value in it at all, but you’re grateful for my daily deeds, just flow the funds and write in the message area, “donate my book to a local senior citizen’s center or battered woman’s shelter in my name.” and i will.

but mostly you should be getting this book because it will be autographed from me to you and that’s definately worth ten bucks plus shipping.

so act now.

reverse cowgirl

greg beato wrote a sweet piece on me

yesterday, if you didn’t see it.

he raised several intelligent and thought-provoking points.

greg suggests that there could be no better place for tony pierce than on tonypierce.com

i totally disagree.

this blog is something that i get to do on the 15 minute breaks at work and the time that i find during halftime shows after work while watching basketball on my satellite dish.

i would love a good designer, a good editor, some contributors, photographers, illustrators, fact checkers for my ass, etc. etc.

sure, working at a paper would make me tone it down and i would be able to say fuck fuck fuck all day long, but to be honest, i don’t even want to say fuck fuck fuck all day long.

i want to write about los angeles.

what people don’t remember is that out of punk comes pop. janes addiction spawned lalapalooza. the red hot chili peppers spawned “under the bridge.” henry rollins spawned some thick necked dude i now see playing cops in movies.

i see ice-t on law and order, i see ice cube in barbershop, i see dr. dre formerly of nwa on trl.

why cant we see tony pierce every day on latimes.com?

i am dying to sell out.

except i would sell out like andy warhol did. the joke will be on you. not you you, but them you.

the joke will be, i cant believe that you paid a million bucks for a painting of a soup can or for a xerox of a photograph.

i want to be surrounded by great writers and artists and playing in the major leagues.

i love the history of writing and the rules and the structure, for without them what can you play off of?

i have so much to learn when it comes to writing and how to present a page and i think everyone agrees that this web page thing has yet to begin to rock.

why cant the la times lead the way?

must it always be ten paces behind the ny times?

maybe it must.

i agree with greg, there will be editors who will want to complain if i get too much freedom, or exposure, or money, or book deals. even in college i had an editor who was jealous. theres nothing you can do about that.

but any attention that i get will bring more traffic to latimes.com and more traffic means more ads and more ads means more money.

unfortunately mo money, mo problems.

i just want to learn to write better.

i want to be able to knock out a 40 inch sellout feature in a day. i cant do that right now. i have no clips. i don’t have shit.

all i have is this blog and this site which isn’t a reflection, necessarily, of me, but of what someone can do who knows very little about writing and even less about photoshop.

if the la times said, pierce, heres $40k, write obits for a year like royko did. i would do it. i love obits. they’re just features. they’re just profiles.

i love being timely. i love having the scoop on everyone.

that winona “exclusive” interview was posted seconds after the verdict.

there was only two things that coulda happened, guilty or not guilty. tell me which post to put up there and click the button and boom.

you. cannot. do. that. in. newsprint.

you also cant write and write and write and write and not sweat it.

all these pictures that i have on this blog could be ads. sell me out. the kids don’t care.

cobain sold out with nevermind and those who were yelling sellout were nothing compared to the kabillions who cheered and bought that record as the floodgates of grunge were parted and everything came pouring out.

the next revolution could be televised or bloggerized.

television has overhead, this shit doesn’t.

if the times wanted me to stop using certain words, fine. it’s their paper, not mine. im so unattached to what i write these days that if i get paid for it it’s not mine any more. you can do with it what you want. if you want to paint over your warhol soup can, go for it. if it turns out better, it’ll reflect more on me than on them so whatever. and if it makes me look dumb, whatever. i look dumb pretty easily on my own.

the only bad thing about the la times proposal that i didn’t mention when i wrote it is that i would stop the busblog.

i would want my “career” to be the center of my creative universe.

maybe i would write about stuff in this space that is either super personal, like friends’ birthdays, or poems or stuff that just wouldn’t work in the times, or maybe, if i had the time, i could use this space to give you some behind-the– but no, i’d probably just end it.

just like how im ending this post. quickly.

but before i do, greg requested a photo essay of Christian statuettes like the ones above.

as a Christian i’m a little shocked that figurines like these are being sold at places like catholicshopper.com, but religion doesn’t surprise me much any more.

i’m shocked because a lot of these pieces seem to poke fun at our idea of the Messiah, it doesn’t lift it up.

and some look downright pedo-erotic. no, thanks.

but the two that im showing here are okay, i suppose.

i’d rather not see Jesus in modern day themes with his old robes. to be honest i’d rather see a black Jesus, but that’s just me. but i don’t want to see him with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper.

i think the story of Jesus is plenty just as it is. most people really don’t understand much of what he said when he was saying it, myself included, so why throw him into mundane situations like this? would elvis fans buy statues of the king taking a dump while eating corn on the cob?

that’s what i see when i click on a picture of the Messiah driving the lane on two little white kids.

with that said, i will be looking around the web for more of these weird statuettes, if any of you know where i can find them, email me the urls.

yours in rock,



in the time of chimpanzees i was a flunky

what’s up president of the united states of america?

my approval ratings, bay bee. ahahahahaha.

well congratulations, mr. president, it looks like your influence is what brought your party all the success it had in winning back the majority in congress.

thats what they tell me.

do you agree?

i agree with what i said, yes.

i hear you have a hit documentary on hbo.

thats what i hear too. i’m in it right?

yep, its called travels with george.

now see, thats a good title.

part of the documentary, mr. president is you suggesting that title.

get out.

i shit you not, mr. president.

please dont.

so how about this war on terrorism, huh.

see, you say things like that and i dont think youre being sincere.

im not being sincere.

this war is very serious. and i read your blog. i see you taking jabs at me. when was the last time we’ve been attacked by terrorists?

dc sniper?

he doesnt count.

why doesnt he count?

he was an american.

so does that mean you’re going to pardon john walker lindh?


i dont think you should.

why not?

you might come across as being soft of terrorism.

but if i hang him all those people who bitched about my record in texas– executing people and stuff– they’ll come back to life like zombies.

hang em.

he’s just a kid.

so is the kid partner of the dc sniper.

yeah but–

but john walker is white.

i didnt say that.

and his parents are rich.

youre putting words in my mouth.

george if i could put words in your mouth i would put way better ones in there.

i bet you would fuckball.

okay, well, yay usa. good luck getting help from the u.n. to help you blow iraq to hell.


and good luck with the economy, you’re going to look like a gigantic ass if you cant get something right in the next two years with the congress, the supreme court and the executive branch on your side.

see, youre not being genuine again, are you?

that time i was. i want you to do well.

you do?

of course i do, mr. president. see, i am an american. i want america to do well. and i also know that the american voters, for the most part, have their heads up their asses and they dont care if the former administration did well, they’ll still vote for whoever they want.

you’ve lost me.

it’s cool. by the way, if you were so influencial, why couldnt you get rid of that political powerhouse Gray Davis?

you know how many texan republicans made a fortune off Gray Davis?


hey how many books have you sold so far?

30 books.

not bad.

only four more days to get it at the discounted rate.

i’m thinking about getting a few for my daughters, they love your stuff.

find bin laden and i’ll give you a few free.

okay, now that’s a deal.

truth laid bear

hi baby.

hi handsome.

nice belly.

nice pants.

wanna go out tonight?


where do you wanna go?

anywhere you are.

will you let me kiss you.


depends on what?

depends if you let me kiss you back.

wanna have italian?

are you italian?

will you kiss me if i have garlic bread?

only if you swallow it first.

say that again.

say what, oh… swallow.

thank you.

do you love me?

do you love me?

let me think about it.

now do you love me?

okay, yes.

i have an idea then, lets just order chinese and watch survivor.

okay i really love you now.


k bye.


now is the time for pants