hi tony

hi morrissey.

say hi to chloe the turkey.

hi, food.

hmmm. whats up, mate, i hear youre down in the dumps.

nope, not me.

shouldnt be, TGIF, right old man?

yep, TGIF morrissey

well i dont know what crawled up your bum but you are being talked about and honored everywhere on the internet.

big whoop.

but it’s approval, son, approval! people are telling you that they love you and they want to be like you and they love what you do.

all i do is help the deaf and the hearing impared, it’s not as glamorous as they think.

well far be it for me to tell anyone to come on and get happy, but i think you should appreciate this while you have it. this doesnt happen to everyone and it is sort of disrespectful when you toss it into the dustbin like it aint no thing.

it aint no thing, morrissey, you know that.

no, i certainly do not know that. what i do i do for the people. i do it to make them happy. i do it–

you sing sad songs, completely depressing sad songs to make them happy?

yes, yes i do.

i dont believe you.

i dont care if you believe me, i dont believe you. hows that? i dont believe that youre living a dream and you are chosing to find displeasure in it. i dont believe that tony pierce, king of the optimists would take a vacation from happiness for no apparent reason what so ever right when everything is coming up roses.

nothing is coming up roses, you limey wank. a few nice people link me on their page. thats very nice. and they should. the web is full of pages and they found mine and they like what i wrote, swell. where are the millionaires with their bags of cash? where are the job offers? where are the bras being thrown at me. talk about someone who doesnt appreciate what they get, mr. bigmouth–

dont go there.

give me your turkey and i will be happy.


yes. let me take your turkey home to be my thanksgiving dinner and i will be happy.

but this is the PETA turkey.


you have really lost your mind.

lost it years ago, hand over the bird.


then f you, morrissey. you never sang in tune anyway.

you bastard!

you call that a punch? omg that was the silliest thing ive ever seen. it felt like you were removing a shred of lint from my brow. do that again. holy shit, morrisey who taught you to fight, mother teresa?

fine, tony pierce, you have humilated me enough. if eating this proud bird will make you happy then here. have her. ENJOY YOUR THANKSGIVING!

thank you morrissey. not only will this turkey bring a smile to my face but she will bring nurishment to my body, and many sandwiches for weeks to follow.

hurry up and get out of here before bob barker sees you.

will do, later bro.


ten million people watched the victoria secret fashion show the other night

and three hundred people complained that it was too sexy so now the fcc wants to change the indecency standard.

only in america would it be considered indecent to have a bunch of supermodels stroll around in panties, but it’s perfectly okay to have kids watch a man get down on his knee and propose to a woman that he doesnt know. the bachelor beat the pants off the victoria secret infomercial and where are the nervous ninnies who think it’s morally corrupt to let children watch a man make out with dozens of women and then propose to “the winner”?

speaking of which, f the kids.

the kids are alright.

im so sick of people hiding beind this idea that kids are going to turn out fucked up if they watch programs like victoria secrets fashion show.

cain slew able.

what the hell was on tv back then?

85% of american homes have cable. that means most of the kids in this country watch christina aguelera sing about being “dirrty” or they can watch all the filth on the discovery channel where one animal eats another animal, or they can watch the totally gross lies that come from the news, things like gw being our president.

AOL is the biggest isp in america and i would like to see what percentage of kids saw their first form of beastiality from one of the hundreds of bits of spam AOL allows to seep into each email account. thats straight up porn in the dirtiest form, one click away, and dont tell me that those splash pages that require no credit card to access wouldnt have twisted you when you were 11.

that shit twists me and im nearly 111.

all of this is just so predictable and exactly what you get when you vote republican.

they’ll stop vic’s from showing their show on one of the big four networks, as if that really matters, but they’ll let the spammers send every kid who enters a chat room porn after porn afer porn after porn.

porn doesnt even turn me on that much any more. it makes me sad that so many others are getting naked and rich and not me.

one thing that does make me happy is when i see people talking to themselves on the web.

talk about twisted.

jim treacher

sometimes they try to double team you

and the ref calls a “t” on you for throwing elbows and taunting and talking about peoples mothers.

and you dont know what language theyre speaking. and the cheerleaders might be cheering for you but youre not sure and then you hear your name but its not for the right reasons.

and you look up at the scoreboard and you threw down 30 points and grabbed 11 boards and everything should be so great.

should be.

ll cool j was in the office yesterday and he asked for me so i came out and he shook my hand.

he’s bigger than you think and his entourage is even bigger.

all fly skimmies were trying to feel the beat drop

and he said damn dog i have so much to ask you

i said tell me about working out, youve got a wife, four kids, a childrens book, a movie, a cd, so why are you working out?

and he said, when you’re building your muscles they tear slightly and they repair themselves and they grow. and to me thats symbolic of the spiritual climb that you write about so much, tony.

the girls cooed and held out cds to sign.

and, ll said, the results of that struggle arent so bad.

hopped into chopper one, totally forgetting to ask for a cd, turned off the radio took off my helmet and flew across the city of angels just doing laps around the wessside.

wishing i was anywhere else.

anyone else.

and not so alone.

youre breaking my heart the feminine voice of chopper one said sarcastically.

i tried to ignore it but how do you ignore a sarcastic computer?

the lights flashed in unison and then in trippy patterns and the steering column retracted into the control deck and the secret black copter had taken over.

she warned me that pussies were for the sunlit windowsills of lonely old ladies and nosedived straight down towards zuma trying to make me sick

then she pulled up flying up into the sun.

and then sharply to the east back at malibu

and then down into the canyon and then back up



above anything bad she told me.

only thing bad up here is us.

and we’re bad


so shape up motherfucker else i get some fratboy to fly me.

and the steering column unlocked and extended into my lap

and the lights went back to normal

so i put on my helmet, turned on the radio

and made my way back to headquarters who are starting to see that every day is going to be a new day.

as it should.

the comedian