1. Tuesday, November 19, 2002

    dear ladies of the internet 

    hi. yes i love you. thank you for your letters and pictures and emails and phone calls and gifts and promises of lust.

    do you know how great that makes me feel?

    do you know how low my self esteem is and how many demons whisper sour nothings into my ear like at all times?

    you all ask so many questions about ashley and if you want to know her secret superpower it’s that she always makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy and masculine and smart and good with my hands, etc. when i ask her if she had a good time with me the other night her eyes get big and she will squeeze my hand and say, yeeeeeess. oh god yes.

    that works on me.

    flattery will get you everywhere.

    one cute girl writes me the dirtiest emails. maybe some of you don’t know that that’s allowed. of course it’s allowed. let yourself go. i want you to trust me and feel free with me. why not?

    she tells me all the things she wants to do to me when she flies here from stockholm. she tells me what she will wear and what she will say and what she wants me to say. shes quite descriptive. she says she has many day dreams. she remembers these daydreams, and its true she has many.

    but one thing that worried me was when she said that she doesn’t have safe sex. she said that she trusts her boyfriend and that shes on the pill and for some reason in sweden she thinks that that’s safe.

    so i asked her what’s swedish for ha.

    you can trust your boyfriend all you want but i don’t trust him. im not saying that he’s cheating on you, or that he did some dirty skank ho the week before he met you. but im going to pretend that he does cheat on you and he did three skank hos before he met you. and i suggest you do the same.

    unless you two are conjoined twins joined at the bellybutton if you’re not using condoms every single time you’re out of your mind.

    let me tell you about the boy who you say you trust. he is so ignorant about his thing and he’s so reckless with it and he’s so led by it that it’s insane.

    ask your true love if he washes his hands every time that he uses the bathroom.

    this is a trick question but ask him anyhow.

    if he says yes ask him if he takes a paper towel to turn off the water after he washes his hands. then ask him if he takes a paper towel to use on the handle if he leaves the bathroom.

    if he answers no to any of those questions think about where he puts his hands when he comes over to see you.

    then think if im gonna put my hand there, or my face, or worse, lil tony without a condom.

    swedish for ha.

    when men take a dump and wipe their ass the first thing they touch is that sink and the dials on that sink then they wash their hands then they take those clean hands and touch that dirty sink to turn it off. then they wipe their dirty hands with a towel then they touch the door handle with their ass hands then they put their hands on you!

    but what he did before that is even worse. he walked into the bathroom and unzipped his pants and put his hands on his schween. he peed and Then he washed his ass hands. so not only does he leave that bathroom with filth all over him, but now his innocent dick which has been completely covered by layers has germs from bro’s daily adventures.

    what does your boyfriend do? is he a mechanic? does he type at a typewriter all day? does he ride the bus and hold on to the handles? does he ever press the buttons of elevators? homeless men piss on the buttons of the elevators of the subway in my town. how about yours?

    so the correct answer to the loaded question is, “honey, i wash my hands before And after i use the bathroom, cuz i know where my dick has been, but i cant even begin to remember where my hands have been.”

    hot babes, i know where i want my hands to be. and i know where they’ve been. i know that they can be eaten off.

    can everything that you have be eaten off?

    doubt it.

    so that’s just the hands. i know your boyfriend. he touches himself all the time. if i dated you i would be touching myself all the time too. its not a put down, trust me. but he doesn’t take care of his hands and he doesn’t take care of his donk and that’s because you’re not making him.

    and ps if he met christina aguelera at the viper room and she said lets do it in my limo and if he said i dont have a condom, and if she said dont worry im on the pill, he’d do her.

    and pps he’d do the same with a girl who’s not named christina aguelera too. its our nature. it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not something to be ignored.

    however, when it comes to getting some, ladies, we will listen to you. i didn’t learn these things from the fellas. i learned these things from uptight hotties who never ever ever wanted to catch anything while having fun. theres no reason for it. it feels great enough even with protection. trust me it does. and if it doesn’t you’re with the wrong person.

    so i emailed this to my blonde betty of the north and she asked me what she could do to make herself worthy in light of all of this.

    i said what you need to do is get yourself checked out. go to the doctor and tell them you want an aids test and a vd test. meanwhile get your boyfriend tested. then don’t ever have sex without a condom. only time this can change is when you get married.

    our parents’ generation say that they saved sex for marriage, mmmh hmmm i believe that. the following generations probably wont ever live up to that but they should save non-safe sex for marriage. i don’t think that’s a bad compromise.

    think about how great your wedding night will be. you would have been recently tested. you will look at your rings, and your gifts and your white purse full of envelopes, and then you will look at your test results and for the first time since reading this blog post you will have sex without a condom and trust me when i tell you it will be a night you will never forget.

    okay that’s the sermon for this morning. i heart you miss sweden and your girlfriends who you want to travel here with and share with me. but if you do that everyone must have the proper documentation.

    then you can teach me some other foreign words.

    your pal,


    how to live your life my way