1. Sunday, November 10, 2002

    digging through all my boxes of shit tonight 

    looking for the classic “the day charles bukowski met ernest hemingway” i found everything i have ever written except for the desired short story.

    one of the best things that i came across was a series of correspondences that i had with the coolest girl ive never met, which, fortunately i printed out and never lost.

    am i sentimental? intensely. is it possible to fall in love through email? with her it was.

    a while ago she popped an email in my box. we wrote a tad and she says she lurks my site. so thats nice. hi. i asked her if i could run some of the emails that we wrote some 8 1/2 yrs ago and she said sure.

    subj: his circle and hers meet

    94-05-27 16:36:11 EDT

    from: jenny677

    to: gauchotony

    if i didn’t think, i’d be much happier. if i didn’t have any sex organs, i woudn’t be on the verge of nervous emotion and tears all the time.

    and with that i say hello. i am very pleased to hear that you have regained consciousness my deer boy because life is but a trist. so when we run away, i’ll bring bel canto, the sisters of mercy, concrete blonde and smashing pumpkins. you ffigure out the rest. i feel very ugly today. must be from zei, you know, residualness. i never had long hair my sweet insipid wonder. i did last summer, but no more. i dig my bangs and i am so white that in high school there was a rumour that i had the pigment sucked out of my skin via hypedermic needle style to be more gothic. really its in my dna. if you kissed me would you touch my face? so you want to know everything? excerpt, the journal of miss jenni, july 23 1992: when will my confusion stop. it wats me up. how is it possible that i became so lost. if i was disfigured, id know. im still very religious on my own terms ; wait for it. and why do i continually allow myself to be taken in by those who are much too experienced and worldly. and i am also so large. so manipulative. so coy. what a funny game i play you got to me and i never even loved you. you don’t remember i won’t let you forget. how could i bleed when there were no cuts.

    ta da. i am melodramatic and special. i cry for kali poulton the little girl abducted. i cry for those for in spite of their vision can’t see where what they feel may take them. i am so lucky. i have it all. brains, money, wit, charm, compassion, friends, power and yet i feel very empty somedays. if it is a boy that creates my void i may have to wither up. last night my hormones fucking raged at zei. i wanted it. no one was there, mentally. i think id rather have a persons mind than their physical being. i want to trap boys under glasses and pick at their brains until they cry. i also want to run away and get married and have lots of children and fix the human race. but right now i just want to exercise my right to abuse boys. this boy has talked to me for two weeks now and i know hes lame and gay. i try and play, but hes like, duh cat. sucks. did you dump the shit lovely? did i tell you i think about you more than i probably should? well now you know. yo slick. blow.

    take care. of me.

    jennifer louise elizabeth marie

    yfuml