1. Friday, November 8, 2002

    a lot of people have understandedly emailed me 

    regarding all of the drama going on in the comments section below.

    the post in question featured a picture of my drinking buddy karisa in her halloween costume with her work buddy liz, who i believe was also in her halloween costume (i have learned never to assume these sorts of things).

    some guy named marc innocently asked in the comments section

    “who’s the girl that’s not karisa: yum!”

    to which i snidely replied sarcastically

    “marc,

    that girl is the ugliest girl in hollywood.

    yep.”

    then the mysterious G chimed in with

    “I assume your response, (tony,) is an inside joke, cause I don’t get it. Marc said she’s good looking: ‘yum’.”

    to which liz wrote back under the pseudonym of Ugly Girl

    “Hi Tony,

    Bite me.

    I was going to write you something nice since I’ve heard so many great things about you…but you can blow it out your crusty rear.

    Marc and G, thanks so much! “

    which prompted my response last night before bedtime of

    “dear ugly girl,

    i was just being sarcastic.

    duh.

    everyone knows karisa’s the ugliest girl in hollywood.

    :)

    luv, tony”

    funny? ha ha? right. misunderstandment? no. this morning karisa sends me an email from overseas telling me that Liz is still pissed and i should write her and tell her that i was seriously kidding, which i was.

    so here, concerned readers, is what i wrote the luscious liz. watch your hero grovel.

    to: liz@clickmodeling.com

    from: dumbass@tonypierce.com

    subject: a thousand pardons

    liz,

    the rumors of my genius are highly exaggerated.

    people say im such a good writer but they’re all drunkards. they say im

    funny, but what do they know.

    surely i thought that you would never read my web page (why would you?)

    and everyone would know that if i called an obviously gorgeous woman “the

    ugliest girl in hollywood” either they would think that i was being

    predictably sarcastic, or they’d believe the myth that every girl in la is

    at least as beautiful as you.

    karisa will tell you that in an average day i will tell hundreds of jokes

    and dozens will be funny.

    im sorry my little comment hit you the wrong way.

    perhaps you will allow me to take you and karisa out for expensive drinks at

    the cheesecake factory of your choice.

    humbly yours.

    tony

    hours passed and still no email from karisa’s co-worker. i felt super bad because i have heard great things about her and yet never had the opportunity to meet her. and you know how things are with girls, piss off their friends, and you piss them off too. so not only had i blown it with liz, but my friendship with karisa was teetering as well. yikes.

    then, like dream, that tiny beige envelope appeared in the bottom right corner of my flat screen monitor.

    it was liz. innocent liz. damaged by my buffoonery. would she accept my apology or would she lay into me like a trucker who had been cut off?

    witness:

    from: liz@clickmodeling.com

    to: dumbshit@tonypierce.com

    subject: Re: a thousand pardons

    you are such a dork

    without even meeting you, i know this.

    i DO have a sense of humor(really, I do!!!) but when you’re scaring off

    possible Liz “admirers”, it makes me screamin’ mad!

    yes, let’s go and get some cutsie-pootsie drinks when KiKi comes back as

    I have heard so much about you and always ask why you don’t come out also.

    The ugliest but much humored girl in Hollyweird

    so there you have it, cub fans. the drama has ended and you can all go in peace.

    what have we learned from this?

    sarcasm on strangers falls on deaf ears?

    tony really is the hermit loser that he pretends not to be and should have had drinks with these fine lovelies and avoided all of this?

    no, what i learned is karisa is telling all the hotties in la that im a dork.

    damn you, mass girl, i will get my revenge and tell all your secrets.

    p.s. thats not really liz’s email address therefore all the liz admirers should leave comments here.

    p.p.s. admirers of tony can leave their comments here too.

    fimoculous