1. Monday, December 2, 2002

    even though i dont even know 

    what the chick from useless looks like or even if shes real, or even if shes a she, i still get sad a little when she leaves me alone here in america on one of her top secret treks to europe to do some of the badass nude modeling that hopefully she’ll send to me for christmas.

    speaking of babes, went down the hall today. super cute girl who i really like is walking down the other way, turns off. i think to myself, “maybe you should go across the street to the drugstore and get some deodorant just incase you see her again.” i seemed to have forgotten to shower this morning. showered late afternoon yesterday, but, you know.

    so i hop in the elevator. and guess who climbs on board? she is so damn cute. dammit! leans over to see if the correct button is pushed. im sure she got a terrible whiff.

    elevator opens, i let her exit first, nice smile, maybe she has a code in her gnose. lets hope so. walks off with her nice skirt and tall boots. me? speechless.

    so many things i coulda said.

    hi mighta worked.

    got to the store got some of the largest, most phallic bananas ever grown. then the gayest man in america wrote a check and took forever doing it.

    i will drink every time somebody writes a check from now on.

    quick shoutout: if my man MC Cridland is out there, thanks for the pictures! i dont have your email address!!!

    the picture on the left is of the two sisters from madpony. they write about me because they think i will give them hits, i write about them because this time next year they will have four times the hits that i get and i will want that traffic.

    they were bored over thanksgiving weekend and the younger one called me. my caller ID blocks calls from underaged girls but somehow they got through. damn security holes. anyhow, if you believe what they write, this is what a 15 year old girl looks like talking to me on the phone.

    kristin, the older one, says that i like lauren better. its true. i like her better cuz she listens to my advice. i told them both to get a wishlist and only lauren got one and bam, first day, got something from it. somehow i need to get a cut of those profits.

    kristin says that in 3 years when lauren is legal i will be the one calling her on the phone. i tell her no way am i gonna let some 18 yr old in on my social security.

    see how we are?

    speaking of x, kids write me all the time asking me if they should do this drug or that drug or they ask me if i really drink as much rum as i say i do, etc.

    heres all you need to do in life, people: say hi to the pretty girl in the elevator. that right there will beat the hell out of any drug or mixed drink.

    if you really want to go for it, ask for her number.

    trust me, if i had gotten her number my heart would be beating, thered be a lite film of perspiration on my skin, and i would feel like dancing.

    desert flower