1. Tuesday, December 24, 2002

    interview with a pro journalist 

    don’t: look, it’s tony pierce.

    tony: wow, i was just signing off

    don’t: that would be dumb.

    don’t: :-)

    tony: i have to write about Hell

    don’t: tony doesn’t like me anymore.

    tony: don’t doesnt like me any more

    don’t: i don’t even get exciting e-mails anymore like i did for that day.

    don’t: it was like a one night stand.

    tony: you shouldnt feel bad

    tony: its not you

    tony: ive just had a few bad online relationships

    tony: recently

    tony: as in Very recently

    don’t: what does that have to do with me.

    don’t: nada.

    don’t: listen.

    don’t: i got my airplane tickets today for l.a. i’ll be flying into lax january 13th. i’ll be there for 4 days and then i fly to maui. we should sit down and do that interview, wouldn’t that be fun.

    tony: all interviews i do are on aol

    don’t: that’s weird.

    tony: not really

    tony: that way if someone tries to make me look dumber than i really am

    tony: i have the interview that i can put on my site

    don’t: i thought the perks would be more appealing.

    don’t: hm, okay.

    don’t: i offered.

    tony: what sign did you say you were?

    tony: taurus?

    tony: the bull?

    don’t: right.

    don’t: yup.

    tony: isnt the customer always right?

    don’t: which one of us is the customer.

    tony: mememememememememe

    tony: whats the problem with letting me do it the way i want to?

    don’t: okay, i didn’t know you had such a problem in social situations.

    tony: im a master of social situations

    tony: and im a good interview

    tony: why dont you want me to feel comfortable?

    tony: why do you want me to be misquoted?

    don’t: you’re not comfortable meeting people in real life?

    tony: misunderstood

    tony: i dont think that people who know me through my writing

    don’t: you could sit across from me and answer the questions on paper and we could pass it back and forth.

    tony: will like me as much in person

    don’t: what do you have to lose, i mean, you said i’m hot.

    don’t: even just to get a peek at the cleavage.

    don’t: or the ass even.

    tony: i thought we were talking about an interview?

    don’t: well, we’d be naked and everything.

    tony: you will come here and get naked and interview me?

    don’t: no, i couldn’t interview naked.

    tony: why?

    don’t: i would feel dirty.

    tony: whats dirty about your body?

    don’t: hah.

    don’t: hey, i’m asking the questions.

    tony: good luck with that ideal

    tony: why do you want to get naked for me?

    don’t: i don’t.

    don’t: i want to sit across from you with a tape recorder.

    tony: why is my voice more important than my words?

    don’t: because i’ll be in l.a., that’s the only reason.

    don’t: so, why not.

    don’t: four days.

    don’t: f o u r

    don’t: 1 2 3 4

    tony: where are you staying?

    don’t: hotel, my sister is coming with me.

    don’t: but.

    don’t: laksjdf

    don’t: woah.

    tony: what sign is your sister?

    don’t: taurus.

    tony: twin?

    don’t: nope.

    tony: damn

    don’t: do you know where the hyatt anaheim is.

    tony: yes

    don’t: nice?

    tony: do you like disneyland?

    don’t: no.

    tony: thats all thats going on in anaheim

    don’t: oh.

    tony: do you like your pussy eaten?

    don’t: are you going to answer me.

    tony: i have never been to the hyatt anaheim

    tony: im sure it’s fine

    don’t: there’s supposed to be someone famous at the hyatt anaheim this week.

    don’t: that’s not my question, dope.

    don’t: we’re staying at the beverly hills hotel.

    tony: tony robbins isnt that famous

    tony: im #3 tony on google, he’s like #15

    don’t: ugh.

    don’t: sigh.

    tony: i know

    tony: im #4

    don’t: how come you said you were in bad online relationships if you’ve never met anyone online.

    tony: well, thats one of the problems

    tony: she keeps teasing me

    tony: telling me she will come see me

    tony: then doesnt

    don’t: than she’s bullshit.

    tony: yep

    don’t: detach your heart from the situation.

    tony: i try

    tony: i like her a lot though

    don’t: how do you know she’s her.

    tony: she had her brother make a little movie

    tony: her on the phone talking to me

    don’t: oh.

    tony: crazy

    don’t: hmm.

    don’t: that’s not good.

    tony: what isnt?

    don’t: is it that pasty girl?

    tony: all you girls are pasty

    don’t: i’m not.

    tony: show me more pics

    don’t: k, hold.

    don’t: i bet you deleted the other ones.

    tony: not of you i didnt

    don’t: you should.

    tony: why?

    don’t: shit, if they’re not going to end up on tonypierce.com than fuck it.

    tony: they dont fit

    tony: keep trying

    tony: right now im writing about Hell

    tony: and about Santa

    tony: if you have pics of either of those things

    tony: starring you

    tony: then you might have a chance

    don’t: i would need to re-start my other computer, transfer them to disk and get them onto this computer, you’re not going to make me do all that, are you?

    tony: ive read that its impossible to make a taurus woman do anything

    don’t: not true.

    tony: whats the key?

    don’t: that’s the secret.

    tony: if you want to get me more pictures

    tony: i will promise to stay on line

    tony: i really want to write right now

    tony: so it might be perfect

    don’t: so, in other words…

    tony: go get your pics

    tony: i’ll be here

    don’t: but don’t talk.

    tony: dont you want to find out about hell?

    don’t: no.

    tony: dont you like my writing?

    don’t: i like your writing but i don’t think i like you very much.

    don’t: that’s the conflict.

    tony: because you cant control me?

    don’t: hehe.

    tony: i will tell you how to control me

    tony: wear a short plaid skirt

    tony: knee highs

    tony: sexy shoes

    tony: lipstick

    tony: and know what you want

    don’t: well, i’ve been telling you what i want for 17 minutes.

    don’t: it’s not working.

    don’t: so, you’re right, everything you do write is a lie.

    don’t: :-)

    tony: i gave you the secret and you piss on it

    don’t: and i just proved your theory wrong.

    don’t: okay, here we go.

    don’t: here’s one of me with short hair.

    don’t: don’t laugh on the inside.

    don’t: connect with me baby.

    tony wants to directly connect.

    don’t is now directly connected.


    don’t: that was bad.

    don’t: i should not have shown that.

    don’t: that was sick and wrong.

    tony: was that on your wedding day?

    don’t: i wish.

    don’t: oh!

    don’t: here’s me being cute.


    don’t: i love those shoes.

    tony: kulats

    don’t: see, i’m not pasty.

    don’t: yup.

    tony: cant tell

    don’t: bullshit.

    tony: more

    don’t: wanna see my boat?

    don’t: no, nevermind.

    tony: everytime you say nevermind

    don’t: you want to hurt me bad.

    don’t: real bad.

    tony: no, a baby seal gets clubbed

    don’t: i think out loud, that’s all.

    don’t: shut the fuck up.

    tony: its true

    don’t: shhhh

    tony: i have brilliance to deliver

    don’t: i don’t show anyone my boat, feel special.

    tony: i feel very special

    tony: sorta

    don’t: right.

    tony: you have 4 more minutes

    don’t: to what.

    tony: till i have to write

    don’t: i’m timed.

    tony: 3

    don’t: don’t doesn’t get timed.

    tony: don’t wants to be the man so badly

    don’t: so, which day should i book for personal tony time. the 13th, the 14th, the 15th or the 16th.

    don’t: i can tell you where to meet me, you can show up freely.

    don’t: if you don’t, i’ll know you’re a pussy.

    don’t: and don’t time people, it’s dumb.

    tony: my schedule isnt in front of me

    tony: im a pussy about certain things, but not about meeting girls

    don’t: i’m sure all four are open.

    tony: everything i do is dumb

    tony: dont be so sure

    tony: 1

    don’t: please stop.

    tony: a good picture buys you 4 more minutes

    don’t: i’m not a trick.

    tony: dont project

    tony: its called a compromise

    don’t: a compromise.

    don’t: i guess i just look at things differently.

    don’t: hmm.

    tony: -1

    don’t: stop.

    tony: maybe youve had all day to write

    tony: i didnt

    don’t: i haven’t.

    tony: i had to make out with a beautiful twnty year old

    tony: i had to feel her up

    don’t: that’s just what i was thinking to myself about.

    tony: i had to buy her mexican food

    don’t: i should be working but i’m talking.

    don’t: why?

    tony: then i had to go to another girls house

    don’t: because i want to.

    tony: and feed her cats

    tony: but the cats werent anywhere to be found

    tony: -2

    tony: then i had to drive on the hollywood freeway to go home

    tony: and the phone rings a lot here

    don’t: i still need to get myself off in shower before bed so don’t think you’re the only one with a full schedule, tony pierce.

    tony: i dont beat off on sunday

    don’t: are you going to answer me.

    tony: so i have a double load here

    don’t: or should i just give up for good.

    tony: that sits and waits untill im done writing

    tony: -3

    tony: whats the question?

    don’t: you know the question.

    tony: 9 inches

    don’t: seriously now.

    don’t: should i just stop.

    tony: probably

    tony: i like girls who do as i say

    tony: and give me pics

    tony: and say sweet things to me

    tony: incredibly easy

    don’t: that’s a downer.

    tony: -5

    tony: whats so down about it?

    don’t: because i figured you would want to meet me.

    don’t: nice talking to you though, i really appreciate your time.

    don’t: i guess i always miss out on the good ones.

    tony: poor you

    tony: -7

    don’t: maybe you’ll change your mind.

    tony: about what?

    don’t: maybe it’ll happen in the next 2 minutes.

    don’t: about being dumb towards me.

    tony: -9

    don’t: really, just no desire at all?

    tony: to meet someone i dont know?

    don’t: yes, i guess.

    tony: i dont even go see the people i love the most!

    tony: i live 2 miles from 15 friends

    tony: i dont see them

    tony: i have Blooks for them

    tony: perfect excuses to see them

    tony: its Christmas

    tony: i dont see them

    don’t: they’re not me.

    tony: so dont take it personally

    tony: fine, what makes you so special?

    tony: do tell.

    tony: writer girl

    don’t: you can’t go wrong.

    tony: in what way?

    don’t: i’m well-rounded.

    don’t: heh.

    tony: you have a fat ass?

    don’t: you’re just scared you might like it.

    tony: i prefer fat asses

    tony: oh yeah thats what else i did today

    tony: gave a blook to a girl with a perfect ass

    tony: at her home

    tony: she looked incredible

    don’t: did you touch it.

    tony: she was sick

    tony: i stayed on the porch

    tony: hadnt seen her in 5 months

    tony: maybe more

    tony: stuck my arm all the way out

    don’t: i’d love to hear more but i want to talk about me.

    tony: gave it to her

    tony: ran off

    tony: she Was a virgin

    tony: 25 yrs old

    tony: professional

    tony: D cups

    don’t: ooo, d cups.

    tony: perfect ass

    tony: thick lips

    tony: smart

    don’t: sounds nice, wish i coulda gotten a piece of the coochie.

    don’t: can we talk about me.

    tony: ive ignored her for half a year

    don’t: you’ve ignored me for 7 minutes.

    tony: so, the question is,

    tony: with that all said

    tony: why should i meet you?

    don’t: because you were looking for a don’t to fill that void.

    tony: i told you what i liked

    tony: you are saying thats not you

    don’t: why do you have to be difficult.

    don’t: why do questions have to be involved.

    tony: im being easy as pie

    don’t: why not me.

    don’t: it’s stupid.

    don’t: why the fuck not.

    tony: cuz you dont want what i want

    don’t: eh?

    tony: i am old enough to know what i need

    tony: and what i want

    don’t: what do i want that you don’t want.

    don’t: do tell.

    tony: you want to be the man

    tony: you want control

    tony: you want things your way

    tony: – 18

    don’t: no, that’s just the way things happen.

    don’t: that’s stupid.

    tony: send me a picture

    don’t: in the mail?

    tony: now

    don’t: testing me, i like it.

    don’t: i’m not 19, i’m 23 remember.

    tony: ok, im gonna go write now

    don’t: i bore you.

    tony: you dont listen

    tony: say goodnight, don’t.

    don’t: or took 2 minutes to write an e-mail.

    don’t: you’re a dick.

    tony: guilty

    tony: if telling you i have waited all night to write

    tony: and then spending a half hour with your pouty ass is being a dick

    tony: then im guilty as hell

    don’t: eh, i don’t give a shit.

    don’t: i’m a better writer anyway.

    tony: no shit

    tony: you are

    tony: i agree

    tony: you make money off your shit

    tony: all i get are girls who want to fuck me

    don’t: my interview could have been called “pussy”

    tony: too bad you dont have the guts

    tony: ironic

    don’t: the ones who talk about it are the ones who don’t get it.

    don’t: the guts to what.

    tony: to call it pussy

    don’t: you’re not worth it.

    tony: i offered to fly to LA to fuck him, he said he’d think about it, this is a story about a pussy

    don’t: you could have been.

    don’t: did i?

    tony: -24

    don’t: wow, i must have been slipped some roofies when i said that.

    don’t: karma’s a bitch.

    tony: <--- Christian tony: <--- couldnt give a shit about "karma" don’t: that’s why you don’t make money off your shit because you talk to people like they’re 4.

    don’t: god, if i were 5 years old, i’d prank you.

    tony: i dont make money off my shit because publishers wouldnt know where to put my shit

    tony: prank away

    tony: im going to write

    tony: adios

    don’t: right next to the autobiography of

    don’t: i’m not done yelling at you.

    tony: i’ll give you three more minutes

    tony: im going to change your name

    tony: and put this on the blog

    don’t: no.

    tony: gimme a good picture

    tony: i truly dont appreciate people who dont appreciate my time

    don’t: why would you put something on to distort our conversation and make me look like an ass.

    don’t: i appreciate your time when it’s spent doodling with me.

    don’t: see that!

    tony: so youre admitting that youve been an ass to me for the last half hour?

    don’t: because i’m offended.

    don’t: i’m not an ass.

    don’t: i never said that.

    tony: unlike your interview of me, im not going to change your words

    tony: so if you havent acted like an ass

    tony: theres no way i could make you “look” like one

    don’t: why would you put an aol conversation up.

    don’t: like you’re not going to write a little snotty paragraph to go with it.

    tony: im not drudge

    tony: i dont need any snotty intro

    don’t: do you have a deep voice.

    tony: -30

    don’t: answer me.

    tony: deeper than youd think

    don’t: i doubt that.

    tony: say goodnight to the nice people now

    don’t: no.

    don’t: i’m not finished.

    don’t: and neither are you.

    tony: what do you want your fake name to be?

    don’t: don’t.

    tony: perfect

    don’t: don’t.

    don’t: seriously.

    don’t: sigh.

    don’t: please.

    don’t: give me your phone number.

    tony: why?

    tony: you have it

    don’t: not anymore.

    tony: what happened to it

    don’t: i wrote it at work.

    tony: i asked you nicely to let me work

    tony: i told you my circumstance

    tony: you saw i havent been able to write all day

    tony: 1 entry????

    tony: so not cool/

    tony: instead of saying, cool man, hit me up when youre done

    don’t: sigh.

    tony: you were all

    tony: me me me me me me me me me me

    don’t: i was born in may.

    don’t: just right now.

    tony: i know lots of people born in may

    don’t: it’s not me mem em ememe always.

    tony: angels

    don’t: i’m a baby.

    don’t: i’m the youngest.

    tony: hey

    tony: your time is up

    tony: -36

    don’t: do you realize that when you sign off on me, this is our last conversation.

    tony: do you realize that i

    tony: dont care

    tony: or

    tony: believe you?

    don’t: oh.

    tony: if anyone ever doubted that i am in Hell

    tony: now they know the truth.

    don’t: that was shitty to say to someone before christmas.

    don’t: i’m sorry i made you feel like that.

    don’t: i thought it was funny.

    tony: if you dont let me write, i will print all of this

    don’t: why don’t you just block me.

    tony: why dont you just do what the person says will make them happy?

    don’t: because if you don’t give a shit, just block me.

    tony: because if i had blocked you, i would have never had this post

    government monkey