interview with a pro journalist

don’t: look, it’s tony pierce.

tony: wow, i was just signing off

don’t: that would be dumb.

don’t: :-)

tony: i have to write about Hell

don’t: tony doesn’t like me anymore.

tony: don’t doesnt like me any more

don’t: i don’t even get exciting e-mails anymore like i did for that day.

don’t: it was like a one night stand.

tony: you shouldnt feel bad

tony: its not you

tony: ive just had a few bad online relationships

tony: recently

tony: as in Very recently

don’t: what does that have to do with me.

don’t: nada.

don’t: listen.

don’t: i got my airplane tickets today for l.a. i’ll be flying into lax january 13th. i’ll be there for 4 days and then i fly to maui. we should sit down and do that interview, wouldn’t that be fun.

tony: all interviews i do are on aol

don’t: that’s weird.

tony: not really

tony: that way if someone tries to make me look dumber than i really am

tony: i have the interview that i can put on my site

don’t: i thought the perks would be more appealing.

don’t: hm, okay.

don’t: i offered.

tony: what sign did you say you were?

tony: taurus?

tony: the bull?

don’t: right.

don’t: yup.

tony: isnt the customer always right?

don’t: which one of us is the customer.

tony: mememememememememe

tony: whats the problem with letting me do it the way i want to?

don’t: okay, i didn’t know you had such a problem in social situations.

tony: im a master of social situations

tony: and im a good interview

tony: why dont you want me to feel comfortable?

tony: why do you want me to be misquoted?

don’t: you’re not comfortable meeting people in real life?

tony: misunderstood

tony: i dont think that people who know me through my writing

don’t: you could sit across from me and answer the questions on paper and we could pass it back and forth.

tony: will like me as much in person

don’t: what do you have to lose, i mean, you said i’m hot.

don’t: even just to get a peek at the cleavage.

don’t: or the ass even.

tony: i thought we were talking about an interview?

don’t: well, we’d be naked and everything.

tony: you will come here and get naked and interview me?

don’t: no, i couldn’t interview naked.

tony: why?

don’t: i would feel dirty.

tony: whats dirty about your body?

don’t: hah.

don’t: hey, i’m asking the questions.

tony: good luck with that ideal

tony: why do you want to get naked for me?

don’t: i don’t.

don’t: i want to sit across from you with a tape recorder.

tony: why is my voice more important than my words?

don’t: because i’ll be in l.a., that’s the only reason.

don’t: so, why not.

don’t: four days.

don’t: f o u r

don’t: 1 2 3 4

tony: where are you staying?

don’t: hotel, my sister is coming with me.

don’t: but.

don’t: laksjdf

don’t: woah.

tony: what sign is your sister?

don’t: taurus.

tony: twin?

don’t: nope.

tony: damn

don’t: do you know where the hyatt anaheim is.

tony: yes

don’t: nice?

tony: do you like disneyland?

don’t: no.

tony: thats all thats going on in anaheim

don’t: oh.

tony: do you like your pussy eaten?

don’t: are you going to answer me.

tony: i have never been to the hyatt anaheim

tony: im sure it’s fine

don’t: there’s supposed to be someone famous at the hyatt anaheim this week.

don’t: that’s not my question, dope.

don’t: we’re staying at the beverly hills hotel.

tony: tony robbins isnt that famous

tony: im #3 tony on google, he’s like #15

don’t: ugh.

don’t: sigh.

tony: i know

tony: im #4

don’t: how come you said you were in bad online relationships if you’ve never met anyone online.

tony: well, thats one of the problems

tony: she keeps teasing me

tony: telling me she will come see me

tony: then doesnt

don’t: than she’s bullshit.

tony: yep

don’t: detach your heart from the situation.

tony: i try

tony: i like her a lot though

don’t: how do you know she’s her.

tony: she had her brother make a little movie

tony: her on the phone talking to me

don’t: oh.

tony: crazy

don’t: hmm.

don’t: that’s not good.

tony: what isnt?

don’t: is it that pasty girl?

tony: all you girls are pasty

don’t: i’m not.

tony: show me more pics

don’t: k, hold.

don’t: i bet you deleted the other ones.

tony: not of you i didnt

don’t: you should.

tony: why?

don’t: shit, if they’re not going to end up on tonypierce.com than fuck it.

tony: they dont fit

tony: keep trying

tony: right now im writing about Hell

tony: and about Santa

tony: if you have pics of either of those things

tony: starring you

tony: then you might have a chance

don’t: i would need to re-start my other computer, transfer them to disk and get them onto this computer, you’re not going to make me do all that, are you?

tony: ive read that its impossible to make a taurus woman do anything

don’t: not true.

tony: whats the key?

don’t: that’s the secret.

tony: if you want to get me more pictures

tony: i will promise to stay on line

tony: i really want to write right now

tony: so it might be perfect

don’t: so, in other words…

tony: go get your pics

tony: i’ll be here

don’t: but don’t talk.

tony: dont you want to find out about hell?

don’t: no.

tony: dont you like my writing?

don’t: i like your writing but i don’t think i like you very much.

don’t: that’s the conflict.

tony: because you cant control me?

don’t: hehe.

tony: i will tell you how to control me

tony: wear a short plaid skirt

tony: knee highs

tony: sexy shoes

tony: lipstick

tony: and know what you want

don’t: well, i’ve been telling you what i want for 17 minutes.

don’t: it’s not working.

don’t: so, you’re right, everything you do write is a lie.

don’t: :-)

tony: i gave you the secret and you piss on it

don’t: and i just proved your theory wrong.

don’t: okay, here we go.

don’t: here’s one of me with short hair.

don’t: don’t laugh on the inside.

don’t: connect with me baby.

tony wants to directly connect.

don’t is now directly connected.

don’t:

don’t: that was bad.

don’t: i should not have shown that.

don’t: that was sick and wrong.

tony: was that on your wedding day?

don’t: i wish.

don’t: oh!

don’t: here’s me being cute.

don’t:

don’t: i love those shoes.

tony: kulats

don’t: see, i’m not pasty.

don’t: yup.

tony: cant tell

don’t: bullshit.

tony: more

don’t: wanna see my boat?

don’t: no, nevermind.

tony: everytime you say nevermind

don’t: you want to hurt me bad.

don’t: real bad.

tony: no, a baby seal gets clubbed

don’t: i think out loud, that’s all.

don’t: shut the fuck up.

tony: its true

don’t: shhhh

tony: i have brilliance to deliver

don’t: i don’t show anyone my boat, feel special.

tony: i feel very special

tony: sorta

don’t: right.

tony: you have 4 more minutes

don’t: to what.

tony: till i have to write

don’t: i’m timed.

tony: 3

don’t: don’t doesn’t get timed.

tony: don’t wants to be the man so badly

don’t: so, which day should i book for personal tony time. the 13th, the 14th, the 15th or the 16th.

don’t: i can tell you where to meet me, you can show up freely.

don’t: if you don’t, i’ll know you’re a pussy.

don’t: and don’t time people, it’s dumb.

tony: my schedule isnt in front of me

tony: im a pussy about certain things, but not about meeting girls

don’t: i’m sure all four are open.

tony: everything i do is dumb

tony: dont be so sure

tony: 1

don’t: please stop.

tony: a good picture buys you 4 more minutes

don’t: i’m not a trick.

tony: dont project

tony: its called a compromise

don’t: a compromise.

don’t: i guess i just look at things differently.

don’t: hmm.

tony: -1

don’t: stop.

tony: maybe youve had all day to write

tony: i didnt

don’t: i haven’t.

tony: i had to make out with a beautiful twnty year old

tony: i had to feel her up

don’t: that’s just what i was thinking to myself about.

tony: i had to buy her mexican food

don’t: i should be working but i’m talking.

don’t: why?

tony: then i had to go to another girls house

don’t: because i want to.

tony: and feed her cats

tony: but the cats werent anywhere to be found

tony: -2

tony: then i had to drive on the hollywood freeway to go home

tony: and the phone rings a lot here

don’t: i still need to get myself off in shower before bed so don’t think you’re the only one with a full schedule, tony pierce.

tony: i dont beat off on sunday

don’t: are you going to answer me.

tony: so i have a double load here

don’t: or should i just give up for good.

tony: that sits and waits untill im done writing

tony: -3

tony: whats the question?

don’t: you know the question.

tony: 9 inches

don’t: seriously now.

don’t: should i just stop.

tony: probably

tony: i like girls who do as i say

tony: and give me pics

tony: and say sweet things to me

tony: incredibly easy

don’t: that’s a downer.

tony: -5

tony: whats so down about it?

don’t: because i figured you would want to meet me.

don’t: nice talking to you though, i really appreciate your time.

don’t: i guess i always miss out on the good ones.

tony: poor you

tony: -7

don’t: maybe you’ll change your mind.

tony: about what?

don’t: maybe it’ll happen in the next 2 minutes.

don’t: about being dumb towards me.

tony: -9

don’t: really, just no desire at all?

tony: to meet someone i dont know?

don’t: yes, i guess.

tony: i dont even go see the people i love the most!

tony: i live 2 miles from 15 friends

tony: i dont see them

tony: i have Blooks for them

tony: perfect excuses to see them

tony: its Christmas

tony: i dont see them

don’t: they’re not me.

tony: so dont take it personally

tony: fine, what makes you so special?

tony: do tell.

tony: writer girl

don’t: you can’t go wrong.

tony: in what way?

don’t: i’m well-rounded.

don’t: heh.

tony: you have a fat ass?

don’t: you’re just scared you might like it.

tony: i prefer fat asses

tony: oh yeah thats what else i did today

tony: gave a blook to a girl with a perfect ass

tony: at her home

tony: she looked incredible

don’t: did you touch it.

tony: she was sick

tony: i stayed on the porch

tony: hadnt seen her in 5 months

tony: maybe more

tony: stuck my arm all the way out

don’t: i’d love to hear more but i want to talk about me.

tony: gave it to her

tony: ran off

tony: she Was a virgin

tony: 25 yrs old

tony: professional

tony: D cups

don’t: ooo, d cups.

tony: perfect ass

tony: thick lips

tony: smart

don’t: sounds nice, wish i coulda gotten a piece of the coochie.

don’t: can we talk about me.

tony: ive ignored her for half a year

don’t: you’ve ignored me for 7 minutes.

tony: so, the question is,

tony: with that all said

tony: why should i meet you?

don’t: because you were looking for a don’t to fill that void.

tony: i told you what i liked

tony: you are saying thats not you

don’t: why do you have to be difficult.

don’t: why do questions have to be involved.

tony: im being easy as pie

don’t: why not me.

don’t: it’s stupid.

don’t: why the fuck not.

tony: cuz you dont want what i want

don’t: eh?

tony: i am old enough to know what i need

tony: and what i want

don’t: what do i want that you don’t want.

don’t: do tell.

tony: you want to be the man

tony: you want control

tony: you want things your way

tony: – 18

don’t: no, that’s just the way things happen.

don’t: that’s stupid.

tony: send me a picture

don’t: in the mail?

tony: now

don’t: testing me, i like it.

don’t: i’m not 19, i’m 23 remember.

tony: ok, im gonna go write now

don’t: i bore you.

tony: you dont listen

tony: say goodnight, don’t.

don’t: or took 2 minutes to write an e-mail.

don’t: you’re a dick.

tony: guilty

tony: if telling you i have waited all night to write

tony: and then spending a half hour with your pouty ass is being a dick

tony: then im guilty as hell

don’t: eh, i don’t give a shit.

don’t: i’m a better writer anyway.

tony: no shit

tony: you are

tony: i agree

tony: you make money off your shit

tony: all i get are girls who want to fuck me

don’t: my interview could have been called “pussy”

tony: too bad you dont have the guts

tony: ironic

don’t: the ones who talk about it are the ones who don’t get it.

don’t: the guts to what.

tony: to call it pussy

don’t: you’re not worth it.

tony: i offered to fly to LA to fuck him, he said he’d think about it, this is a story about a pussy

don’t: you could have been.

don’t: did i?

tony: -24

don’t: wow, i must have been slipped some roofies when i said that.

don’t: karma’s a bitch.

tony: <--- Christian tony: <--- couldnt give a shit about "karma" don’t: that’s why you don’t make money off your shit because you talk to people like they’re 4.

don’t: god, if i were 5 years old, i’d prank you.

tony: i dont make money off my shit because publishers wouldnt know where to put my shit

tony: prank away

tony: im going to write

tony: adios

don’t: right next to the autobiography of

don’t: i’m not done yelling at you.

tony: i’ll give you three more minutes

tony: im going to change your name

tony: and put this on the blog

don’t: no.

tony: gimme a good picture

tony: i truly dont appreciate people who dont appreciate my time

don’t: why would you put something on to distort our conversation and make me look like an ass.

don’t: i appreciate your time when it’s spent doodling with me.

don’t: see that!

tony: so youre admitting that youve been an ass to me for the last half hour?

don’t: because i’m offended.

don’t: i’m not an ass.

don’t: i never said that.

tony: unlike your interview of me, im not going to change your words

tony: so if you havent acted like an ass

tony: theres no way i could make you “look” like one

don’t: why would you put an aol conversation up.

don’t: like you’re not going to write a little snotty paragraph to go with it.

tony: im not drudge

tony: i dont need any snotty intro

don’t: do you have a deep voice.

tony: -30

don’t: answer me.

tony: deeper than youd think

don’t: i doubt that.

tony: say goodnight to the nice people now

don’t: no.

don’t: i’m not finished.

don’t: and neither are you.

tony: what do you want your fake name to be?

don’t: don’t.

tony: perfect

don’t: don’t.

don’t: seriously.

don’t: sigh.

don’t: please.

don’t: give me your phone number.

tony: why?

tony: you have it

don’t: not anymore.

tony: what happened to it

don’t: i wrote it at work.

tony: i asked you nicely to let me work

tony: i told you my circumstance

tony: you saw i havent been able to write all day

tony: 1 entry????

tony: so not cool/

tony: instead of saying, cool man, hit me up when youre done

don’t: sigh.

tony: you were all

tony: me me me me me me me me me me

don’t: i was born in may.

don’t: just right now.

tony: i know lots of people born in may

don’t: it’s not me mem em ememe always.

tony: angels

don’t: i’m a baby.

don’t: i’m the youngest.

tony: hey

tony: your time is up

tony: -36

don’t: do you realize that when you sign off on me, this is our last conversation.

tony: do you realize that i

tony: dont care

tony: or

tony: believe you?

don’t: oh.

tony: if anyone ever doubted that i am in Hell

tony: now they know the truth.

don’t: that was shitty to say to someone before christmas.

don’t: i’m sorry i made you feel like that.

don’t: i thought it was funny.

tony: if you dont let me write, i will print all of this

don’t: why don’t you just block me.

tony: why dont you just do what the person says will make them happy?

don’t: because if you don’t give a shit, just block me.

tony: because if i had blocked you, i would have never had this post

government monkey