1. Thursday, December 5, 2002

    me and karisa drove over to the mann’s chinese six 

    to see the adam sandler animated Hanukkah musical “8 Crazy Nights”.

    we were a little nervous because the reviews were all “Longest 71 minutes of your life, or “…forgettable, soggy and dumb..” or “…a dark, vulgar, brooding turnoff of a movie.”

    i’d have a witty review for you but we walked out before the first crazy night.

    after ten minutes i was thinking “can you really walk out of a movie after just ten minutes?”

    then karisa groaned and we couldn’t look at each other and then after three more bad jokes and the second super long belch for no good reason, we got off our asses and left.

    the mann’s chinese six is the new cinema behind the famous mann’s chinese attached to the hollywood + highland complex. its big, beautiful, awesome sound, stadium seating, etc.

    we walked into the lobby and told the usher how bad the movie was, he offered to give us our money back, but we had two big bags of popcorn, drinks, so we asked him when was the next movie starting?

    he pointed to “They.” but the other usher, a funny black dude, shook his head and looked down.

    my brotha.

    karisa asked, “have you seen harry potter?”

    i said, “i haven’t even seen the first one.”

    she said, “me neither, but ive read the books.”

    and we walked to the theatre and she filled me in on what happened in the first book.

    there it hit me, karisa is a fox!

    so all i remembered of the back story is: harry is a wizard.

    being 109 years old has its advantages. i know a bunch of good jokes, i can see into the future, i can bring absolute pleasure to a woman, i don’t get jealous, ive seen it all, all of my dreams have been fulfilled.

    but being 109 also has its disadvantages. the worst being that if you have a few drinks with me, and maybe a smoke out in the parking lot, after a big Sprite and a huge buttered popcorn, odds are no matter what’s on the screen, i will fall asleep. especially if the movie is starting at 10:30pm.

    harry potter is 2 hours long. i think i managed not to sleep for 25 minutes of it.

    anyways karisa is the best. after she dropped me off she wrote me an email letting me know that my local nbc tv station is “biting” my photo essay style with a really bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson

    dear nbc tv, how do you make a bad photo essay about the ever changing look of michael jackson?

    isn’t that like the easiest thing you could ever photo essay?

    ok, heres how you make it bad:

    – use Times Roman typeface

    – have too much unindented text

    – have text that’s not funny or sarcastic or interesting

    – have crappy little pictures that everyone has seen

    – steal from me, but forget to steal the good parts of me

    my advice, hire me. if you can use AP pictures i could be the staff photo essayist and instantly bring you tons of hits and together we can start a brand new thing on the web.

    p.s. i’d work from home, i’d work cheap, and i could completely beat the ass of whoever it was who made that silly lil thing.