busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, December 31, 2003

    its twenty minutes before 2004 

    ourselves clippers girl cousin is coming over in about an hour. i hope im awake.

    i got surprise phone calls from two of the hottest women of the internet. one of them from a completly different country.

    lets hope that i will continue to be this lucky through 2004.

    lets hope that all our dreams come true this next year, k?

    lets hope that our skillz progress and our full potentials are realized and that love overwhelms us and we’re swept away with happiness.

    im watching dick clarks new years rockin eve. its pretty horrible but there really isnt much else on.

    apparently television doesnt want to have to deal with it.

    me and clipper girls cousin were going to see david lee roth at the house of blues but she got that terrible flu a few days ago and gave her tickets to her brother.

    and now, of course, shes healthy again.

    this was a great year and a terrible year for the cubs.

    it was a scary ass year for kobe.

    it was a pretty good year for the busblog.

    i got to meet lots of super cool people this year, i got praised all over, i got to do some new things, and despite a bus strike, the blog continued to roll on.

    every day.

    several times a day.

    mostly because of you, and for that i thank you.

    jessica simpson is on tv so i hafta go.

    i hope that all your memories of 2004 create a little smile.

    happy nude year,

    tony

  2. last year i made several new years resolutions 

    and i succeeded on about 25% of them. so that means that this year i should make a lot more.

    2004 new years resolutions

    1. i will write 4 times a day

    2. i will only drink water while at work

    3. i will cook dinner for myself at least twice a week

    4. i will run around my property for at least 20 minutes a day, once a week

    5. i will download at least one cd a week and review it for you

    6. i will watch at least one movie a week and review it for you

    7. i will write one post within 90 minutes of coming home from work

    8. i will do at least 100 curls a week

    9. i will read at least 2 pages from the bible each sunday

    10. i will write a dirty novel

    11. i will get a new job

    12. i will make mix cds at least once a week for my true love

    13. on the weekends i will go through my archives and update the photos, at least one week a week

    14. each month i will learn one new thing in photo shop

    15. each month i will learn one new html trick

    16. i wont make out with any more teenagers from the internet

    17. i will cut down on my magazine subscriptions from 30 to 15…. somehow.

    18. i will go to the beach more often

    19. i will get my bike fixed and ride around hollywood at least once a week

    20. i wont give up on Lick no matter how hard it is to do

    21. Blook II will come out, for your ass.

    22. i will refer to this list once a week so as to keep up to my goals

    jaime + hoo-ha + wKen

  3. Tuesday, December 30, 2003

    raymi wrote me an email today. 

    you know how nice that is?

    and not once did she mention that shes auctioning off some of her art on ebay.

    i love raymi.

    she told me her real name but i just say raym…

    and then she cuts *me* off

    which i never allow, usually

    but thank Jesus for the exceptions.

    im watching paris hilton on the simple life mini marathon.

    this is about the third time ive seen these episodes. i dont know what im trying to discover.

    maybe im trying to find a flaw in paris hilton on any level. my girl can wear heels anywhere. thats pretty cool.

    she looks good in bad clothes. thats hard to do.

    one of my new years resolutions will be to write every night right after work.

    it only took me two hours to write this.

    and that is why i have this resolution.

    i hope raymi makes a fortune on her art.

    some guy just wrote me and told me that hed pay me five bucks if i told him to fuck himself.

    i also got an email from amy from jaylex. that was pretty amazing.

    never really realized what a good day today was.

    on the subway home, waiting for the subway actually, a woman just started talking. telling people things in a little louder than necessary volume.

    i never knew you could have a baby at thirteen.

    its bad enough i dont have any teeth, but now im a thirty nine year old granny.

    i know these two sentences because she said them over and over.

    he called me up and said mom, i just had a baby.

    i mean i never knew that you could have a baby at thirteen

    it was straight out of slacker

    she walked the entire length of the platform and came pretty close to trying to look every one of the fourty or so of us in the eye and tell us that she had no teeth that she was thirty nine that her son was thirteen and now she was a granny.

    and that she didnt know that you could have a baby at thirteen.

    i wonder if the guy who wants me to tell him to fuck off knows that my rate for that little service is twenty five, thank you.

    video of the year + via makeoutcity

  4. i like it when people are obsessed with me. 

    i like it when people talk about me on their blog and other peoples blogs, and in my comments.

    i like it when they become cocky and then eventually frustrated and pissed off when i wont address their silly requests.

    talk about me all you want, blogosphere, it only adds to the hype.

    anna kournikova taught me three things:

    you will never be as bad as people try to make you out as being

    you will never be as cool as people swear that you are

    the worst thing that people can do is ignore you.

    there are far more ghost blogs than kickass blogs and the ghost blogs are written by people who couldnt figure out how to get people to come to their url or get people worked up about their good name.

    some fall for the fakeouts, some take the bait. dont take bait. especially when the bait is nothing more than fat dirty nightcrawlers sold for pennies by children.

    if people talk shit about you and theyre way off base, just take their little spitballs and keep on keeping on.

    when they try so hard to convince you that youre boring, theyre lying.

    ignore the liars.

    liars will take you places you dont wanna go.

    heres where you wanna go

    you wanna drive the lane

    go for the hole

    keep your bald head down charles barkley and go for the hole

    dont listen to the male cheerleaders

    keep your elbow out

    fake right go left

    switch hands

    get scratched

    dunk.

    completely unrelated, a funny thing happened last night. our girl brand trueboy who recently outted herself as hosting a blog that didnt have three writers, but only had one, her, pretending to be three people – ended her whatever-it-was against me.

    i give her major props for ending the feud, and i will either take a picture of my nuts like she requested or i will have a civilized aol chat with her which you will see in the first issue of Lick sometime next month.

    rock on, trueboy. happy holidays.

    bing + blamb + muscle 68

  5. picked up my true love at the airport last night. 

    i dont recommend anyone going to LAX to pick up anyone unless youre xbi, and even then its hairy.

    i know i exaggerate a lot on here and i say things about her being my truest, but when i saw her yesterday there definitely was something special there.

    it’s freaky.

    if i ever do get married i want that feeling from my bride. its a calming effect. its a submissive thing. its a whatever-you-want-is-coolio vibe.

    she said pick me up at ten pm i said anywhere. she said LAX i said no one is allowed in. she said you can do it. save me. i saved her. she said take me to taco bell. i said baby i already have your seven layer burrito in the back seat. she said i love you. i said i love you too babydoll.

    i told her she looked good. she said have you been drinking i said doesnt matter, i know a hot girl when i see one.

    she said, stop that, ive been travelling for 8 hours.

    i said lil tone hasnt been drinkin and lil tone approves.

    i watched her eyes move down to where lil tone was saying hi and she smiled.

    blue eyes matching her nicely filled out blue sweater.

    stars sparkling in the crisp la winter night.

    angels pulling back a little of the sky so they could peek.

    i kissed her cheek

    i kept my face against hers.

    i moved my hands slowly down the small of her back to her jlo.

    she complained that her place was messy and boring and smelly and i said baby your place is perfect. she said i cant believe you took karisa here. i said she loved it. we loved it. i said i told karisa that this is where my truest lives, isnt it great and karisa said i never knew it was so big and bright and sunny.

    my true love said yes it is sunny.

    we drove back to my place holding hands, talking nonstop, catching up.

    her wesssside businesswoman cold-as-ice seriousness slowly melting as we drove east down the ten and went north on the 110 past staples.

    i might find a better person for me one day.

    maybe it’ll be before the next snowfall in vegas.

    cpt scurvy + mad mathias + welch’s resolutions

  6. my problem is, i like smart people. 

    beastie boys palladium hollywood

    not sucker mcs. not people who dare me. ooooo a dare. what is this, fifth grade. and anyway, i make the fucking dares around here.

    they come to me saying theyve never read my shit but i suck. they say who’s tony pierce like they dont know. they know. my hairs soft and its coming back so call it a comeback. my problem is that i get distracted easilly. especially by nothingness.

    theres a new radio station in town. independent one they say even though my bro on franklin avenue says its clearchannel owned. all i know is theyve played the clash and bob marley and even though this is their only hit, theyre playing social d and kroq hasnt played them in a while so fuck kroq, they never loved tsar enough anyway.

    my problem is i like super smart people. id work at jpl if they wanted me to. id sharpen the pencils or clean the blackboards if thats all i could do there. a thinktank. a brainbank. anywhere other than the xbi which used to be what im lookin for but things change right before your eyes and suddenly the only thing the same is you and the address. my problem is im a dumbass.

    my problem is i attract people who think they know what punk rock is.

    punk rock.

    yoko was punk rock.


    michael jackson last night on 60 minutes was punk rock.

    dressed and sounding like my grandma admitting to sleeping with kids as if of course its cool

    of course

    courtney was punk but now shes a rock star and its boring sidney. not that there are very many rock stars either but youve been to the mountaintop lady.

    represent.

    my problem is im riddled with idealism. my problem is i keep thinking that i will always be understood precisely every single time the first time. my problem is i forget that some pretend like they dont understand, when indeed they understand perfectly.

    i forget that others want to be creeps.

    i forget that sometimes a few arent creeps, they just say or do fucked up things without realizing and they dont expect a nuclear bomb exploding after they touch the timebandits toaster which is clearly marked dont touch.

    clearly.

    shes crafty is on now.

    my problem is sometimes i forget that some people dont ever get what i get. ever. and i tell em that i know i dont understand it but they swear they dont read this shit anyway even though they do but maybe they really did miss that day.

    its okay.

    my problem is i listen to the static in the signal to noise. my problem is i get lost in the silences. my problem is i keep following the failed practices traditional widgetpushing which is hype, build awareness, hype, deliver. when everyone knows you should just clear your throat and reveal curtain number lick, say ta-da, and put your hands on your hips.

    dare you to the the truth the whole truth and nothing

    but my biggest problem is that time owns me

    im its bitch.

    and like a bitch, watch me stop what im doing and go off and do nothing so i can wake up n take a bus to an office

    in the cold morning

    beside the white

    chickens

    franklin avenue + hobo chic + viriginia

  7. Monday, December 29, 2003

    poor josh. 

    nicki minaj

    all he wanted was someone to love.

    a cute little blonde girl maybe who would chat with him on the innernet and tell him nice little stories about her life and make him feel like a million bucks.

    well josh got lucky, not only did he find this girl but she was super cute.

    she sorta looked like madpony lauren, except her names Chelsey.

    everything a guy could want.

    she had a horse, hot girlfriends, a selfdeprecating sense of humor.

    and mad web design skillz.

    craziest thing though, not only does Chelsey have a horse, but her horse is named Bugsy just like Laurens!

    what are the odds!

    looks like lauren and has a horse named the same as laurens!

    as ashley would say “twinsies!”

    oh, josh, you lucky lucky dirty dog.

    sheeeet.

    then on top of it his girl Chelsey has a friend who looks just like lauren’s sister Kristin pony, ‘cept she spells it Kristen.

    and whats super dooper crazy is Chelsey has a different friend who looks like Kristin, except her name is Tiffany.

    and if that wasnt enough, she even has a friend who looks like Kristin whose name is Melanie.

    God i love the innnernet.

    first we were all lucky enough to get introduced to the madpony girls, and now, lo and behold, out here in california theres a girl who looks just like Lauren and has three friends who all look like Kristin!

    i showed my friends Chelsey’s hometown-aol webpage and they all said it was fake

    i was all, fake?

    they said yeah dude, look at that picture that she says was taken at Payless.

    i said, yeah…?

    they said Payless doesnt have no fuckin pajamas in it!

    i was crushed.

    they i was crushed about what josh would think!

    so i went back to her webpage and found her aol screenname and i decided id get down to the bottom of it.

    me: i have a quick question for you

    Piink Lava: i dont want to talk to u i dont know u

    one thing ive learned in the xbi, when trying to convince people to do things with you, begin by agreeing with them

    me: i dont know you either

    Piink Lava: ok then wut do u want???

    me: does Josh know that you’re not the girl in the pics?

    Piink Lava: sorry but i am the girl i the pics i have sign pics and baby pics to prove now leave me alone

    Piink Lava signed off at 9:42:27 PM.

    so there you have it.

    proof!

    there is not only another lauren, but shes younger, lives in cali, and has three hot friends who look like kristin.

    and one of her pictures is nearly exactly like the madpony christmas card that they sent out to 100+ people this year.

    i heart this country.

    update: within minutes Chelsey took down “her” page out of shame of being exposed on the busblog, here’s a cached version of the main page and photo page and heres “her” image directory… maybe the girls just look like our madpony friends

    chelsey’s original page: piink lava + fakerz do this to nay all the time

  8. if you want to know what traffic was like in LA 

    before the whiteman showed up, you just need to drive around on a day like today.

    when everyone is away for the holidays.

    when everyone has the week off.

    except for the superheroes.

    like you.

    i dont usually drive to work but my true love loaned me her car while she vacations in snowy oregon with her lovely family. typically the commute would take about 35 minutes. today it took 12.

    even people on their cell phones didnt really ruin the commute.

    sometimes i wonder what these people are talking about.

    what on earth is there to talk about at 7:50am? who are they talking to?

    i remember when i got my first cell phone. i swore it would only be used in cases of emergency or to tell people when i was running late.

    i remember when i was a virgin i swore that i would only have sex with girls who were my girlfriends.

    i remember when i was 15 and i was thinking about getting my drivers license. i swore i would go to church every day if i had a car.

    i suppose some goals are easier to stick to than others.

    my goal to you, gentle reader, is to make this blog as good as i can make it in the upcoming year.

    instead of writing three times a day i want to write four times a day.

    i want to put more things on my main page, i want to put up more original pictures, have more interviews, have a page of little video clips i take, and run Lick the way i know it can be run.

    this year was a tough one for me. i thought i had the dream job of my life, then poof it was gone. i thought the cubs were gonna go to the world series and then quicker than you can say bartman it was gone.

    things with ashley took a terrible turn for the worse.

    if it wasnt for tivo, rivers of rum, the dulcet tunes of rock group tsar, all of my wonderful friends, and the long line of adoring young women who are all too eager to please me, i would have been a complete wreck.

    and you would have had a better blog to read.

    i promise to give you even better quality next year.

    i promise.

    quantity and quality.

    as pete rose once said, more than any showdog can jump over.

    i hope you all stick with me and continue to remain loyal as things progress.

    your positive thoughts mean everything to me.

    may your commute to wherever youre going be smooth and worry-free.

    whats your damage + walk with fire + star sailing

  9. Sunday, December 28, 2003

    Steph, Tell Me About Your Job 

    VBugn: my boss is crazy and there are crazy people running around

    VBugn: they filmed a porn there one day

    VBugn: and a rap video another day

    VBugn: last night there were two fights

    VBugn: and two different girls running around in see through shirts with no bras on

    VBugn: and one night we got raided for underage drinking and all the bartenders got arrested for serving to minors, but I wasn’t a bartender yet

    me: are you a bartender now?

    VBugn: yeah

    VBugn: cause the girls who got arrested didn’t want to work there anymore

    me: why would two girls wear see through shirts and no bras?

    VBugn: I don’t know they just were

    VBugn: and they didn’t know eachother, it just happened that way

    me: i hear miami can be quite nudey

    VBugn: yeah there is a lot of it

    me: do guys get nude too?

    VBugn: South Beach is a topless beach, and there is an all nude beach a few miles up

    VBugn: but as for walking down the street, I haven’t seen any naked boys, just girls

    me: you said in your 100 Things that you were in a porn

    me: was it the one you just wrote about?

    VBugn: yeah I was an extra

    me: were you naked?

    VBugn: no i was bartending

    VBugn: and trying to hide my face

    me: are underage drinkers good tippers?

    VBugn: no

    VBugn: but we don’t cater to the classiest crowd, so there aren’t a lot of good tippers

    me: how long have you been bartending there?

    VBugn: just since October

    me: how often do you get hit on a night?

    VBugn: asked for my number? About 10

    VBugn: Told I am beautiful? Maybe 50

    VBugn: It gets worse as the night goes on

    VBugn: and I have learned that I can’t tell anyone that I have aboyfriend, cause then they stop giving me their money

    me: you have a boyfriend?

    me: interview over!

    me: if you didnt have a live-in boyfriend, how many of those 10 guys a night would you give your number out to?

    VBugn: Ohh none, cause one time I did give out my phone number, and I dont remember to who, but I am still getting harassing phone calls every weekend

    VBugn: “Hey baby I want to lick your muff” type phone calls

    VBugn: So I learned my lesson there

    VBugn: and I got propositioned for a threesome by one table in VIP when I was doing bottle service

    me: niiiice

    VBugn: “My girlfriend wants to take you home with us”

    me: were they hot?

    VBugn: the girl was, but the boy had some long hair mullet type thing going

    me: rejected because of his mullet

    VBugn: someone should let him know

    me: i thought half of miami still had mullets

    VBugn: I think they progressed out of the eighties a few years ago

    me: what are your work hours?

    VBugn: from 10PM till five or six AM

    VBugn: but by the time I leave I am generally pretty buzzed and we go out after

    me: where can you go at 6am?

    VBugn: Downtown they have afterhours clubs that are open till 2PM

    me: thats insane

    VBugn: one has a really fun outside room where you can go out and the sun comes up and they are blaring techno and its great

    VBugn: yeah, kinda crazy

    VBugn: but fun

    me: whats been the best night for you working, tip-wise?

    VBugn: I made about $300

    me: very nice!

    me: whats been the worst?

    VBugn: Oh when we first opened

    VBugn: We would have some nights when three people walked in the front door

    me: what is bottle service? hustling people to see if they want bottles of champagne?

    VBugn: yeah or bottle of vodka or anything else

    VBugn: a bottle of Absolut goes for $180 plus 20% tip

    me: how many bottles will people buy in a night?

    VBugn: Um, a bunch? My girl Elaina does the bottle service and on a good night she will leave with around $500 or $600

    VBugn: And we have some guys come in, friends with the owners, and they love to give away $100 tips at a time

    me: meet any famous people?

    VBugn: not at work, unless you count some no name rappers whose names i can’t remember

    VBugn: and the porn stars, of course

    me: nice

    VBugn: I almost forgot, people ask me for drugs all the time at work- “Hey, bartender, do you know where I could get some E?”

    VBugn: and someone from work brought me and one other girl to a swingers club with some super rich guys cause they needed girls to be able to get in

    me: wow!

    VBugn: and we immediately left, but still, I accompanied my coworkers to a swingers club

    me: were the people normal lookin?

    VBugn: My coworker stayed

    VBugn: very normal looking

    VBugn: you had to be in a towel

    VBugn: and there were just people fucking, and other people watching and there was porn playing

    VBugn: it was surreal

    VBugn: and I was WAY too sober

    me: your coworker must be insane?

    VBugn: completely

    VBugn: and married

    VBugn: but he lives in the club during the weekends

    VBugn: doesn’t have a house in South Beach, just lives in an office with his brothers during the weekends

    VBugn: four of them in one office

    VBugn: I remembered all this stuff while I was at work tonight and thought “Oh I Have to remember to tell Tony”

    me: what if you walked into that swingers club with a disease?

    VBugn: I don’t know

    VBugn: I honestly don’t know. I looked around and ran back out the front door.

    me: if you just wanted to get naked and join in would anyone have stopped you?

    VBugn: nope

    me: then that place is dangerous

    VBugn: I think so too

    me: ok, i think this concludes Tell Me About Your Job

    me: thank you for playing

    me: was there anything youd like to add?

    VBugn: thanks for asking

    VBugn: before this i worked at TGI Fridays

    VBugn: “Hi my name is Stephanie and I will be your server today”

    me: i think i would be more likely to hit on you there than at a bar

    VBugn: and I had someone thrown out for saying that he wanted to suck on my tittie milk

    me: THAT WAS ME!

    VBugn: yeah, you are normal

    VBugn: Oh shit! SorryTOny.

    VBugn: Why didn’t you say anything?

    me: i thought youd forgotten

    steph does southbeach + 3rd Leg + kool keith