dear major newspaper or magazine, please let me work for you.

tony pierce?


hi, we’re a major newspaper or magazine.

oh hi. Hi!

yes, we would like to hire you.

praise Jesus.

we wont pay you much.

thats ok.

you wont get to write anything good right away.

thats fine.

we’ll make you write in our patented style.

thats cool.

you wont get a very nice desk or window.

who cares?

we’ll call you nigger boy.

ive been called worse.

you probably wont get promoted for a while.

thats nothing new.

we wont give you any coffee.

i dont like coffee.

and no smoke breaks.

i dont smoke either.

do you think this is some sort of joke or something?


i dont like your attitude.

but i dont have an attitude.

yes you do, its a positive attitude.

trust me, it’s fake.

do you really date all those girls?

what girls? oh, yes.

and you really have all those friends?

i actually have way more.

and youre saying you dont have a positive attitude?

im saying its a fake positive attitude.

so youre lying all day?

sometimes if youre bummed and you start seeing things as bummed then that can spiral into even more bummed. same goes if youre happy. if you fake being happy, sometimes nice things happen to you for no good reason.

you would never fit in here.

thats ok, i dont fit in anywhere.

kitty bukakke on fire

fell asleep on the lap of the clipper girl

last night as she stroked my ‘fro and told me that it was ok that i pass out, that i had had a long day and i work at a place that doesnt understand my genius or my coolness under pressure or my happy-go-lucky nature.

she said that not everyone knows that when i smile it’s not always a happy smile, that sometimes it’s a nervous smile, or a smile to cover super sadness or freaked-out-ness. everything is a fake out. everything is high school sports. everything is trying to outwit the opponent into thinking that youre the fucking man.

and everyone is the opponent.

clipper girl kissed my forehead and asked me if i was interested in having her spend the night.

i said, what happened to our movie?

she said, its over sweetie.

i asked, was it good?

she said, if you have to ask… then she laughed.

she laughs at all of her own jokes. i like that cuz i do the same damn thing.

at night i was having a nightmare and she held me and told me it was going to be alright.

i said, i dont think it is gonna be all right.

she said, it might not ever be all right.

i said all right.

nothing better than a girl you can trust.

then neither of us could get back to sleep so we talked real soft, whispering at each other and watching the clock change from 3:04am to 3:05am and she asked me if i wanted to get a haircut after work at her girlfriend’s salon.

i told her that i would rather go to the barbershop in the hood that i like to go to.

she said i would like her girlfriend’s salon.

i said, no i didnt think i would.

then she said she wanted to have a midnight snack and i told her i was on a diet and she got out of bed walked out to the kitchen with that fine ass, fixed up a banana split with chocolate sauce on the top and came back into bed with that shit and offered me a taste, but all i got was mostly whipped creme.

which isnt so bad when you think about it.

the next best thing from la is coming

strippergram showed up at my door

with triple d breasteses, a six pack, and an academy screener of The Good Girl.

the academy has figured out that i fall asleep during these movies if they get sent over too late in the eve, so ive been getting this shit pretty much right after i get home from the office.

im not a big fan of Friends. i probably have only seen three episodes all the way through. maybe four.

fuck friends.

but i am a big fan of the independent film office space which starred the friends chick and the good girl has a similar tone of subtle humor.

i wish i knew some subtle humor.

me and clipper girl were sitting around watching american idol the other night and she said, “you havent thought of a good video game in a while. think of one right now.”

shes a super cute girl and for some reason she always inspires me.

so i said, ok, its called Back From The Dead and what you can be is an assassinated hero like martin luther king jr. or ghandi or jfk or joan of ark or someone and you walk around the city and you get to blow away bad people and your goal is to snuff out enough of them that you get to go head to head against a giant version of whoever it was who assasinated you.

only problem is the cops dont know that youre Back From The Dead, plus you’re leaving a trail of blood behind you from your mortal wound, so youre pretty easy to follow, so its a good idea to ask someone nicely if you can use their car.

most people wont let you so you might have to steal it when they go shopping.

joan of ark is constantly on fire so you have to make sure that she doesnt get too close to trees or children else they will start on fire.

clipper girl yawned. not at all impressed.

sounds like a grand theft auto ripofff she said and inspected her toenail polish.

ah yes, but the real game is Back From the Deal Online where you can team up with some of your favorite martyrs and form a gang and roam the streets like a herd and become one of the strangest troupes around.

problems walking around with abe lincoln with a hole in his hat or jfk with most of his face blown off is that you not only attract crowds but also paparazzi who are constantly telling the press where you are.

so you have to keep moving.

dont stop.

today im getting a haircut.

mc brown’s super bowl party pictures