nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, January 28, 2003

    the bacon wrapped hot dogs smelled good 

    at seven fifteen pm at the corner of vermont and wilshire. and it didn’t hurt that it was sixty five degrees as the sun set that last monday in january.

    wilshire can be a classy ass street, especially at night, even on that side of town and bryn was tempted.

    the north hollywood red line had done him wrong.

    wilshire/western ran one minute late and north hollywood ran one minute fast and even though the conductor saw him waving his skateboard at him with a parade of commuters behind him, the man with the jacket that said Metro thought to himself, next train in 12 minutes, those fuckers can wait, released the brake and headed out, fuck sentence structure cursed the run on, fuck everything said the fragment.

    anarchy is fine in the uk cuz who the fuck gives a fuck about the uk the train conductor thought, ironically while knowing full well that he was a minute fast and those people really should have the opportunity to jam into the overcrowded ten year old subway cars magically graffiti free. bryn thought that it was because they dont ever let any one on them and he smiled sarcastically at a businessman who swore with an east coast accent.

    so he walked up the stairs and emerged from the wilshire vermont station and toed the curb to see if the new Vermont rapid bus was anywhere nearby and that’s when he smelled the perfectly grilled dogs crackling beneath fresh onions on the metal surface of an umbrellaed cart being tended to by a mexican man who was secretly from guatemala.

    at least im not a 40 year old hot dog vendor, bryn thought as he saw no new rapid vermont bus, opened up his one hundred thousand dollar bar and took a bite making sure to not chew with the right side of his mouth as that was where his nerve was exposed due to the tooth that had chipped off due to the unusual weight of the filling which caused a fracture in the tooth and eventually cracked it over time and then it eventually broke off into the mouth due to the sudden stickiness of a fifty cent balance bar bought at a ninety nine cent store that shares a strip mall with a strip club called tulips.

    theres no way in the world im going to let the haters get in the way or for there to be a big giant debate on here as to this or that, its just going to happen.

    at the end of the year it will be over and we will tally it up and make the purchase and then people can say whatever, but i say help it, for its good to have ridiculous things happen in the name of nonsense.

    we have an imbecile in the oval office.

    lord knows most of you keep trying to make something good from that

    byrn thought as he went back down the stairs to the north hollywood platform, now twice as crowded with waiting working people forced to stand because the city believes that benches in public places would provide a resting place for the homeless.

    the middle of a sidewalk, bryn assumed they assumed, would be better.

    when he got home there was no girl, no dog, no burglars running out the back door, but there was mail, and messages on the phone machine, and within minutes there was a knock.

    she looked like a girl bryn worked with.

    cute as hell.

    a look of mild boredom.

    you’re boring me, strange boy, she shot at him.

    you’re not boring me at all, hot chick who looks like that chick at work, bryn speed thought and held out his hand.

    she placed a vhs copy of The Hours in his palm and he thought that’s how i should get her number tomorrow

    he signed her clip board

    i will whisper in her ear

    so she cant

    see me smile

    or hear my shaky voice.

    and he flipped over the envelope

    and saw the big yellow sticker



    buzz machine

  2. Monday, January 27, 2003

    first off, big props 

    to my man Chuck in the UK for the jennifer garner picture (pictured).

    next i would like to thank the following people for getting the ball rolling with the Lets Get Tony A Damn Car deal.

    1. Ken B.

    2. Brian B.

    3. Melissa C.

    none of these fine people have web sites, blogs or online diaries that they would like to link off their names, but if you, kind reader, flow the busblog $10 or more then I will link to whatever blog you’d like.

    today at work everyone is talking about Alias. Theyre also talking about the Jimmy Kimmel show last night that took place about a mile from my bachelor pad. Snoop Dogg was pretty awesome and George Cloony was a little edgy which is awesome.

    yesterday my lawyer hosted a sweet party attended by many of my pals that included some of the finest foods imaginable, and more booze than i could drink.

    afterwards i was dropped off by my beautiful exgirlfriend who inadvertantly took my camera that had all the pics from the afternoon.

    so depending on when she drives her brand new used car back over to the eassssside i will have some nice pictures to share with all of you.

    today im wincing because my dentist is trying to give me a shakedown.

    everytime i go in there they make me wait and wait and then they tell me that something else is wrong and its going to cost me millions.

    this is the same dentist that karisa uses and she only raves about this man, but i completely disagree, politely.

    so if anyone has a good dentist in hollywood, please let me know because im sick of this guy.

    karisa, by the way, spent the superbowl weekend in las vegas, her home away from home.

    i, by the way, am bored out of my gourd and if ever i wish i was back in Hell it’s today.

    oh, thats right i am here.



  3. i have several best friends 

    but the best friend i had this weekend was my ex girlfriend chris who totally cracks me up sometimes.

    but lets not get into any of that.

    one thing she did last night was come over to my house and make me watch the new episode of Alias.

    one of the commercials earlier in the day had the lead character Jennifer Garner appear in lingerie.

    i told Chris after watching the commercial that i would, indeed, join her in viewing the episode.

    by the way, if any of my loyal readers has any screen shots of last night’s program, please either email them to me at alias@tonypierce.com or leave a link in the comments section below.

    anyhow, it was a good episode and chris and i held hands and drank and ate and enjoyed each others company a great deal despite me cracking some of the dumbest jokes of all time.

    it was a pretty good weekend, overall.

    chris bought a brand new, used car. an acura with 34k miles. its super clean and fast and looks great. and it made me totally want a car.

    chris said it cost her $16k.

    i was all, how will i get $16k.

    she said, you have about 1,000 people a day come to your site. if you got $10 from 1,600 you could get a $16k car.

    i pulled out my slide rule and what do you know, she was right.

    so this is what we agreed on, there will be no fundraisers for the busblog this entire year except for this one. what i will do is start a new list of benefactors on the left hand column underneath the picture of anna. the first people to flow get their names on top and they stay there until someone flows more than $10. by the end of the year, whatever the total is is what i will spend on a car.

    i can go another year without a car. but not much longer. im a grown man. a man needs a car.

    so if you are a fan of the blog, bust out with your $10 and tell as many of your friends as you can. all we need is 1,600 people. thats not really that many if you think about it.

    while you are donating, there is a box in the form where you can put in a message. if you want me to link your blog, i will be happy to. just let me know the url in the message box.

    ive seen a lot of dumb things come true thanks to the Internet, this, i believe is dumb enough to work.

    let’s make this work, people.

    who will be the first?

    will it be you?

    flow $10 to the busblog

  4. Friday, January 24, 2003
  5. last night my good pal karisa invited me over 

    claiming to have a half a case of sam adams and two quasi homo cats to laugh at.

    at first i said no. i wasnt interested in getting out of my pajamas, hopping on a subway and skateboarding to her house in the hollywood hills.

    but then i remembered what long time busblog reader chris c. advised me in one of my notes from yesterday. he said something to the effect that i should hang out with her and drown my sorrows.

    so i offered to bring over the screener copy of Chicago and i hopped on the subway after putting on a pair of pants.

    the ride was nice as the cars were packed with LA Kings fans who had just enjoyed a night at Staples Center. lots of older white guys, successful older white guys and young white guys in brand new Kings jerseys taking the subway.

    i loved it.

    just for kicks the universe had thrown in a few sleeping homeless people to freak everyone out.

    didnt freak me out.

    got off the subway at hollywood and vine and took a cab to karisa’s hidden lair. the cab cost $3.20 i gave the guy $6 and he gave me the thumbs up. we had a nice talk about how Hollywood wants to kick out all the poor. i said theres not enough rich folks to make up for it all.

    the cabbie said theres a lot of rich people from overseas.

    i said, no there isnt.

    then me and karisa watched Chicago and to be honest with you, i dont know what the big deal is.

    good parts: lots of half naked chicks in garters and stockings showing their stuff, quick cuts, good songs, good cinemetography.

    but Richard Gere wasnt all that amazing. any actor could have played that role like he did. the blonde chick was good but the brunette chick wasnt even sexy.

    sexiest person in the whole damn movie was Queen Latifah finally showing the world her huge bazooms.

    i fell asleep several times.

    even with super hot karisa with the sweet puma velour sweatpants doing cartwheels and lighting sparklers to wake me up.

    so i give Chicago a B-.

    raiders by 22

    the accordian guy

  6. dear tony, 

    this girl im dating had an extra ticket to the raiders / tennessee playoff game. she was gonna take me, but her ex boyfriend really really really really wanted to go. i had some shit to do and i knew there would be all these big ugly wicked problems if i went with her instead of him, so i decided that i would be super cool and let him fucking go with her. all i asked her to do was be back at my place at a reasonable time after the game.

    i was thinking she would be able to fly back to la, and be at my house by midnight.

    didnt happen.

    at 2am i called her and asked her wtf.

    she said what do you mean wtf?

    i asked her, “what do you think a ‘reasonable time’ is?”

    she said, “4am.”

    i was so pissed off, i hung up.

    at 4:15am she was knocking at my window asking for me to open the door.

    i let her in but i didnt touch her, she slept on the couch and in the morning i ignored her some more.

    now she wants to make up.

    youre the king of chick issues, what is your opinion?

    Raider Nathan.

    Dear Nathan,

    first of all, youre quite a man.

    secondly, when you get burned after being cool, you have to realize that that is worse than getting burned after just being normal.

    this is what i recommend you do with your woman.

    have her apologize in a written form, using her own words.

    then have her sign it in blood.

    also tell her that she cannot communicate with this dude for one month.


    and if she doesn’t do it, never talk to her again.

    there are billions of people on this planet. theres no reason to socialize with those who disrespect you to your face and then dont do what it takes to make up the offence.

    raiders by 21.

    rabbit blog

  7. Thursday, January 23, 2003

    my agent booked me to be on a panel 

    of bloggers that will discuss blogging.

    i need to give them a picture of me, and i need to give them a 50 word bio.

    only problem is i dont know if i have a good picture of me and i know that i cannot think of 50 words to describe myself and why i deserve to be on that panel.

    one of the guys on the panel created Blogger.

    another guy is a doctor.

    another guy invented one of the best sites on the web, boing boing.

    one chick is super hot and a journalist.

    another chick is also super hot and also a journalist.

    so in lots of ways i am the Everyman that the blogging phenomenom created. i dont get paid to write, im not a code guy, im not famous or even semi famous. im just a dumbass who has access to the internet.

    Tony Pierce is simply a dumbass with access to the Internet. He has been a dumbass for 109 years. After being shown the possiblilties of publishing on the world wide web in 1996 by mr. marc brown, he helped contribute to Buzznet, one of the first web zines, and then created his own web zine, Lick.

    Since then he has written for Tabloid.net and had his poems published in the “Connecticuit Poetry Review” and Santa Barbara’s “Spectrum”.

    Recently back from a short hiatus into Hell, the UC Santa Barbara graduate returns to making up fatastical lies and posting them on his strangely popular blog at tonypierce.com.

    i guess that wasnt so hard.

    i am a little nervous to be honest with you.

    i have no idea what to say, and i have a long list of things i dont want to say.

    i dont want to really talk at all about myself. i would like to talk about hits but not for too long because hits dont always mean that you have good stuff.

    and i really dont want to talk about how or why i started this thing– at all. because i dont want to lie in public.

    in actuality i started this blog so that i could get one particular girl to notice me and think i was cool.

    i guess thats all i probably need to say about that.

    thanks blog!

    3rd Leg

  8. in any relationship 

    theres going to be some fucked up parts and some not so fucked up parts.

    last night when i got back from working at the gravel pit i saw in my mailbox something that i never thought i would see, an envelope from the daisy princess with two keys. one to the beach house and one to my hollywood mansion. there was a little note that was short and sweet, and with that i knew that it was finally over between me and she and out came the bottle of rum, and down went the rum down the gullet and on went life as it should.

    and trust me, readers of these pixels, ive persued my fair share of blogs and ive seen people break up and typically one party bitches and moans and reveals confidences and spits and snorts and kicks up dust, but thats not how we do things in the busblog.

    ashley princess, glitter girl from another world, i wish you the best with the new boy that you are dating.

    i hope he treats you the way that you should and takes you to all the places that you like to go to, and floods you with gifts and kisses and constant attention.

    i hope that when your favorite band comes on the car radio that he doesnt pull over and vomits next to a call box.

    i hope that when your favorite actors appear on the television that he doesnt make a face and pretend to slit his wrists.

    i hope that all your dreams come true and he does all the things that you want him to.

    a good friend called me last night and asked me if i was sad and i said sorta.

    and he said, well shit, if some total fox who adored me and would do anything for me and was way smarter than people gave her credit for stone cold dumped me, i would be a little bummed out too.

    and then the rum kicked in.

    and then a messenger from the academy dropped off a screener of Chicago.

    and then my hot pockets dinged in the toaster oven.

    and then before 20 minutes of the movie had played i was passed out on my couch like the dumb little dog that i am.

    christmas lights twinkling, tv blasting, computer whirring, bathroom sink dripping, phillie blunt resting peacefully in the ashtray.

    spent like me.

    patio pundit

  9. Wednesday, January 22, 2003

    happy superbowl wednesday 

    i have watched a lot of football this year and it is my belief that the raiders will beat the buccaneers by at least 20 points.

    one reason is because the Raiders dont lose Super Bowls.

    another reason is because in Super Bowls you really have to hand it to the veterans, especially the vets in key positions like QB and WR.

    another reason is because i will be rooting very hard for the Raiders and ive been doing pretty good rooting for them over the last few years.

    another reason is cuz im very confident about pretty much everything right now after coming back from Hell and being able to see into the future, if only for a very short period of time.

    for example, i see myself having a very tasty lunch today with a pretty girl.

    speaking of pretty girls, one thing i have noticed about them is that theyre just as unreliable as ugly girls. the lie that they teach you in school is that ugly girls or fat girls will be easier to deal with than a pretty girl, but it’s so not true. everyone is crazy.

    im crazy too.

    i need to ask this one chick out who walks her dog over by my house.

    shes so damn cute.

    everyday i just watch her walk that little bullshit dog and i dont do anything.

    so bogus.

    my friends had a dream and just made it come true.