sometimes i’ll shoot the wrong bad guy, or smack some motherfucker in the head before reading him his rights. little things. civil rights, human rights, blah blah blah. but im serious, most of these people are the scummiest scumdogs of the universe, people that even i have a hard time finding good in.
some of the bad guys are actually sorta clever. or they are fearless. or they are innovative. but very few of them are. the smart ones i like to shoot “by accident” just to balance everything out. it’s what got me booted from the bureau. i tried to explain that they do that in bullfighting but noone would listen. maybe it was because i was cleaning my gun while i was explaining.
see, in bullfighting they get a guy on a horse to stab the bulls in the shoulders to weak it. then the bullfighter comes out with his gay little pink satin muleta and everything is sorta even. sorta.
anyhow, i like to make things even. the xbi are the equalizers in the whole grand scheme of things. we are the horses and the picadors and the swords. but sometimes we butcher that fucking beast before the matadors can get to them. the bureau and the cops and the justice department don’t like that, but you know what? they have learned to deal.
i bring this all up because some joker thought it was a good idea to take chopper one up last night without my knowledge for “training.” of course everything was approved, behind my back. and this morning i arrived and everyone said that it was decided that someone else should be just as trained as i am in case i got sick or went on vacation.
they said that they didnt tell me because they knew that i would get upset.
like im not more upset now.
some people, i swear.
anyhow, junior took out a building by accident as he was landing. and it wasn’t just any old building, he took out a big chunk of a hospital.
turns out he was working on his landings on the top of the children’s hospital’s helipad and accidently shot off one of the larger rockets thinking it was something else.
lucky for him the building that he hit across the street, kaiser hospital, was red flagged for demolition as they continue their expansion. but still.
i told the people responsible that i understood that chopper one isn’t mine, even if i act like it is, and even though its a black copter and super easy to fly, and comes with a team and is super hard to crash, it’s not accident proof, and it’s not really like any other bird, and it’s computer is a little psycho since everyone keeps trying to make it a “thinking” computer.
i told them that if they want me to train people i would be happy to, but let me pick the people because you cant be some fucking straight edge dude who’s all perfect all the time because this isn’t any straight edge machine. it fits well with the quirky qids, so don’t fight it.
everyone fights everything, unfortunately and even though i emailed them a list of five people who i would be happy to train, i haven’t gotten any emails back which mean they’re probably still trying to figure out how to get junior back in my seat even though i have never fucked up that bad, ever, not in a million years.
and sometimes i just think they don’t like me cuz i don’t wear abercrombie.
even though i sometimes do undercover. but please don’t tell anybody.