1. Monday, February 10, 2003

    michael jackson should have just made the damn interview himself. 

    edited it right there at neverland, use more of his music, had his lawyers look at it first.

    and he should have gotten me to interview him.

    it was so obvious that he knew what he was going to reveal about his plastic surgery and his house and his spending habits and his childhood and about his sex life as a teen.

    and why on earth would you go to the british press who arent really known for paiting a pretty picture of their subjects, jacko?

    they stopped the train this morning because some guy barfed on his seat.

    the driver mumbled something into the microphone and then said that he was going to shut the doors so they could isolate the problem, and then he shut the doors.

    it was eight thirty in the morning.

    we sat in the subway station on the subway with the doors closed for what seemed like a half hour.

    trust me when i tell you that the xbi isnt exactly thrilled with the idea of one of their employees who was given a flying car riding a subway train and two busses to work.

    late is late and theres no excuse for it.

    sir, a man vomited in a subway car near santa monica and vermont and the conductor stopped the train for twenty minutes and thats why im late.

    my bosses boss just calls me hippie.

    hows your hippie? he’ll ask my boss in front of me.

    i have a million comebacks, but i have to swallow them until a million people flow me ten bucks

    and since chopper one costs a half billion i know hes right when the old dude says im lucky to even touch her.

    ive watched every episode of joe millionaire and even though he was a total idiot, i was still able to enjoy the show completely.

    between the bondage blowjob chick who knows how to order wine, and the virginial esp girl, i liked the sweet girl the most.

    i think joe does too.

    earlier karisa had me change to fear factor, where couples where competing. the dude had to dip his head into a heart shaped tin of giant roaches take as many as he could in his mouth and pass it to his girl via a kiss and then she took the roaches and put them in a jar with her mouth.

    network prime time television.

    eight pm.

    now, please explain to me why we can show that and not titties?

    or say fuck?

    if fox wanted to really make a lot of money, they would have a special where a famous guy will say fuck at the end of the show.

    it would be the first time that millions of people have heard that word on national tv.

    call it Who Wants to Hear the F-Word?

    but just like Joe Millionaire, this show would have a suprise, because a famous guy isnt going to say the word fuck at the end of the show, after all.

    whats going to happen is, after a half hour you will hear one famous and non-famous person after another say the word fuck in different settings, different accents, different intonations and with different results.

    the best result is, of course, that the world wouldnt have exploded, children didnt suddenly grow fangs and attack us, and millions of dollars would have been made for the broadcasting company.

    edit it properly and you can call it art.

    florence henderson, betty white, rupaul, barbara walters, serena williams, jenna jameson, shirley temple black, aretha franklin, madonna, hillary clinton, courntney love, willie nelson, weezer, kurt vonnegut jr., michael jackson, f.lee bailey, oj simpson, gary coleman, pat sajeck, mike tyson, and elvis costello would deliver some of the best performances, i would imagine.

    and it wouldnt cost much money.

    and it could get done fast.

    and you could give half the money to some good cause.

    thats how you get the stars.

    madonna, will you say fuck for the united negro college fund?

    i fell asleep listening to animals last night.

    i havent done that since college.

    off wing opinion