1. Tuesday, February 25, 2003

    a really good question was asked 

    in the comments section this morning asking what part of my life i write about on here.


    then they asked if i write about it somewhere else.


    this blog is where all of my creative output goes. last year i did a baseball blog because i didnt think there were any baseball blogs. then i found out there were some really good ones, so i stopped mine.

    and last year i kept two secret diaries. one was on Open Diary, but then all the people who i was hiding it from started reading it, so i saw no point. then i kept a hand-written diary that i wrote while riding the bus and train about my true secret super dooper crazy feelings about all the people in my life, specificially the girls i had crushes on. and even though i still have that journal, it’s hidden and i havent updated it in a while and i dont plan to because if certain people found it thered be a lot of explaining to do.

    the best plan, i have found is to have this thing, tell everyone that it’s all fake. keep telling everyone it’s all fake and sprinkle some truths in there just to keep everyone guessing. but for the most part i pack all of this with lies and see if that will be enough to keep the kids happy.

    kids, are you happy?

    ashley called last night wanting to come over to pick up some of her things and i just need to mail those things because that whole thing is an open sore to me. i loved that girl very much. probably more than i divuldged in here. i told her i loved her all the time, so i guess thats all that matters. anyhow, now it’s pretty painful to hear her voice or talk to her without my emotions spilling over, and many times those emotions are manifested in negative, loud, verbal anger. none of which she deserves. shes a good girl. she’ll be better off without me. all i wanted to do was hold her hand and look at her. relationships should be more complex than that.

    clippergirl only wants sex from me. thats a weird deal. i had that situation once and even though it wasnt with an nba cheerleader it was with a girl equally hot, but in a different way. i think im too olde now for those sorts of arrangements. your emotions find a way of making special guest appearences no matter how you try to stifle them. and it just isnt in the nature of souls to have the euphoria of kickass sexual lovin, the sweet words, the dirrty words, and the visuals, while simultaneously trying to pretend like everything was cool even when everything wasnt cool. basically i felt like i was spinning my wheels and just getting older.

    getting old while banging one of the hottest babes in the galaxy isnt such a bad thing, i guess. but it is if youre the biggest dumbass in the world named tony who wants it all.

    pretty much everything i thought i would be doing and having and being at this age im not doing and that frustrates me right now. i am writing. to you. and that part is nice. but not even that is what i want to be writing about. i dont even know what i want to be writing about, but writing about myself isnt it. theres way more interesting people out there like karisa who id rather write about since she leads such a crazy, fun, life, but shes such a private person that its ashame, cuz the phone conversations alone would be incredible to transcribe for your asses, you have no idea.

    chopper one is being retooled right now and im bored. im sitting in the break room on a little imac they set up in here a few years ago. i have no idea why. but now im using it and my blog looks so much different on a mac. hi, blog.

    hi, dumbass.

    anyhow, just know theres lots of good stuff in store for this page and for the main page and as soon as i can find a little time i will be happy to make your visits here worthwhile. in the meantime, please click on the links on this page because a lot of those people are doing cool things.

    and much love to those who continue to flow like my man Ajax

    36. Ajax