1. Tuesday, March 18, 2003

    i don’t cry. 

    my eyes mist up, but that’s all you’ll get.

    last week quite a few people were testing the boundaries of this phenomena, but i suppose that’s the nature of the month of pisces, so it’s futile to take it personally.

    tonight the academy girls came over early just in case i was going to go out drinking. they had the hours. they wanted to make sure that i was going to watch it.

    one of the girls even said that she would hold my hand during it and i tried it for about ten minutes but it was too uncomfortable.

    some girls i can hold hands with, some i cant.

    theres a girl who im really close with but we cant hold hands.

    theres another girl who im not close with any more at all, and her hand fits perfect in mine.

    none of it makes any sense.

    i watched the hours and thought of all the women ive ever known. i even thought about this super hot chick in high school who i never knew liked me that way. she had a boyfriend who i set her up with, still we went to the movies the day high school ended. we went cuz she knew i was moving to california forever.

    after the movie she gave me a freedom kiss.

    but she did it half assed. she barely opened her mouth. she barely let her tongue over to my side of the world. the thought counted. i had no idea why she asked me out in the first place. i had no idea why we went to the movies. and after she kissed me it all made sense and i bounced around my house like a spaz and my mom thought i was on drugs.

    here we are about 80 years later and some girls can make me bounce around my house like a spaz and i thought about those magical girls as i stroked the fingers of the academy girl and tried to pay attention to the film, but philip glass has always mesmerized me and the music he made for the hours is now instantly my favorite of his. i think it’s cuz he’s using a little more piano than normal. it really fills out the sound.

    the familiar counterpoint of the cellos are there and the trademark runs going up and down the scales followed by the staccato quarter notes, but the piano as opposed to the synthesizer nearly made me cry it was so pretty and unexpected.

    went to outback steak house this weekend with a girl who can cry and then laugh and then cry again out of no where. she thinks that equals crazy. but shes crazy to think that. shes wonderful and right with you which is why her emotions are there too, even in a benz convertible, even in burbank, even with me driving.

    even though its a stick i still grab her hand whenever i can and bring it with me when i change gears. we haven’t been naked in months but she still lets me rest my hand on her thigh and we’ll hold hands longer than we planned but not in a lovey dovey way, more like a you complete me mini me way. the funny part of it. not the sad caramel nougat truth center.

    she does complete me.

    but be careful cuz dirt completes us when we die, and worms do too, so watch it.

    i smile and sing while she drives.

    it would have been nice to say any of this to the academy girl. after all, she had written me, her name is very memorable, but i didn’t tell her that i knew who she was, i just traced the outline of her skinny lil digits bejeweled and bangled and her friend went home. she asked me if i was liking the film and i said yes. a lot. but i told her that i was falling asleep.

    she asked if i wanted to pause it or stop it or

    i said, lets just go to sleep and finish it in the morning.

    she pulled a strand of her dyed hair behind her ear and blushed, the latest victim of the assumptive close.

    i told her that i had a pair of clean flannel pajamas in the second drawer, then i remembered the huge box of condoms in the third drawer and got up and retrieved the pjs myself. people get the wrong idea.

    she looked sleepy and hopeful and i told her that i would be writing for a few hours, that she shouldn’t wait up for me.

    and out came the lower lip, exaggeratingly.


    she dragged her feet into the bathroom, water was turned on, i thought about breaking open one of my many ninety nine cent store guest toothbrushes for her, but she’s a college girl, she should pack a toothbrush.

    sat down to the computer and turned on howard stern live from new york.

    simultaneously the christmas lights clicked off due to the light timer behind the tv, which meant it was three am.

    the perfect hour for anything.

    and i sat in the dark watching the rock n roll hall of fame induction and the clash nearly did it and elvis costello nearly did it, and ac/dc was super close to doing it.

    but when the police came out and i heard stewart copeland play exactly like how he did in nineteen eighty three, so subtilely on the high hat

    i teared up cuz it was so perfect

    and yet absolutely over.

    42. Robin J.

    blue bukkake + an okie in paris + luke ford