1. Tuesday, March 4, 2003

    i get a ridiculous amount of fan mail 

    which is great because i know i dont deserve it, but i need it to keep this thing going.

    positive reinforcement doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s my fuel, which is just another reason that this blog fits me so perfectly, and why even your visits to this site lift my spirits, even if im already in a good mood.

    the other night i was at a beautiful young lady’s house. a woman who i admired from afar for quite some time. and sometimes we would exchange messages via carrier pigeon and i just thought they were flights of fancy. nothing serious. so i was over at her house last week, one of those big places in the middle of town over by moxie’s house.

    a whole neighborhood of american homes with big oaks in the front lawn, brick garages, mexican maids with overcoats and sneakers who’d walk to the busstop in clumps.

    and this nice woman, who is a very private person in many ways because of her fame and fortune, opened up a book that she has diligently kept over the last three years, and she, for no reason at all, we weren’t drunk, or anything, just watching tv, she opened up this book and there was a line at the bottom of each page that said, “person who made your day:” and several times over the years she had put in my name or wrote that this very blog made her smile.

    you have no idea how much that meant to me. we walk around and think that what we do or who we are doesn’t have a rippling effect on others even though we know how much others make an effect on us.

    for some reason i just consider myself a ghost that can float in and out of neighborhoods and through cyberspace and what i do and say doesn’t influence shit, even though i know it does, if ever so subtlety. of course it does. even the smallest fly can completely distract a theatre of movie goers if he lands on the wrong spot on the screen.

    anyhow, she affected me when she shared her private little book, and for that i am forever thankful.

    just like i am to all the people who write me, and for all the girls who want to go on dates with me, and for all the big time publications who want to hire me.

    God bless you all, each and every one of you.

    once i saw Morrissey get hugged by his number one fan who had sat in line for days to be the first in line for a book signing or some nonsense. and this guy was like 500 pounds, and might have been a woman, but no, it was a man. and i thought to myself that you really shouldn’t do what you do so that people will fall in love with you because it will always end up being the wrong people who will obsess over you.

    if you want raymi to lust you, you’ll just get the ward boys to write about you every day.

    if you want the mad pony girls to pay attention to you, they might, but they’ll murder you in cold blood when you’re not looking.

    when you try to get hired by the LA Times, all you’ll get is a write up in their special thursday issue.

    better off just writing and living for yourselves, ive learned.

    and if you’re not going to do that, live for a very rich exswimsuit model who has a huge indoor pool and makes the best dip.

    the ward