1. Friday, March 21, 2003

    i pulled my back doing the dumbest thing 

    i had brought the houseplants onto the stoop to let them have some sun and water, then right before clippergirl was about to arrive, i tried to one-handedly lift a big pot of ferns and snap there goes the back.

    when she arrived i was laid out on the couch all twisted like madonna on the cover of vanity fair.

    she said shes never kissed a man as old as me and i told her it wasnt her kisses i needed, it was some deep tissue massage, which of course she had to say something dirty in return.

    cheerleaders should have their own channel.

    i firmly believe that.

    right now we have the lets blow shit up channel every other click. in the morning you’d have cheerleader cartoons. one main cheerleader and her cheerleader friends would give tips on how to stretch and meditate and then they’d show cartoons till noon.

    then you have the midday news.

    two cheerleaders tell you the news while they make a delicious and nutritious lunch.

    then there would be an hour of gilligan’s island.

    then there would be my favorite show, Cheer Talk.

    whenever i watch the nfl cheerleader video calendars on espn, all they ever talk about is how smart all these women are. and i believe them.

    so lets have a nice roundtable talk show of four or five cheerleaders in their outfits talking about current events like the mclaughlin group, except have a live studio audience that asks questions of the ladies.

    only women would be allowed in the audience, i almost forgot.

    the show would be two hours long, then there would be an hour of CHIPS followed by What’s Happening and Fish.

    Then there would be a two hour newscast, sometimes entirely in a foreign language for the kids.

    This shit practically programs itself.

    There would be live auctions, friday night concerts, music video shows, pro beach volleyball, and consumer reports programs, all hosted by college and pro cheerleaders.

    I told my ideas to clipper girl as she massaged me and after about an hour i felt so much better that i couldnt believe it, so i flipped her over and returned the favor.

    till i got tired.

    kate sullivan + bored housewife + the ward + the oakland sun reporting on the sf peace rally