1. Tuesday, March 18, 2003

    i said i want two cases of bottled water, 

    50 boxes of nitrous, a case of hershey bars, 600 green m&m’s, and three cots for my boys.

    the president said that there are plenty of beds in the white house and i said that cots would be fine.

    and just like that it was agreed, i would fly to washington dc to play twelve games of scrabble against twelve members of the white house staff.

    if i won, i wouldn’t have to pay taxes this year and queen latifah would win the oscar for best supporting actress.

    if i lost, i would have to do a pro-war photo essay for the president.

    at first it was just supposed to be me playing scrabble against the president but that was overruled immediately by his advisors.

    apparently my literature degree from uc isla vista intimidated all those yalies.

    i complained that i was on vacation and i didn’t want to fly anywhere and i didn’t want to do anything, that all i wanted to do was laze about my beach house, sipping wine, and alphabetize my adult film collection.

    then like a fool i added that i had to do my taxes.

    to which they asked me if it wouldn’t be worth one quick flight across the country and maybe i might not have to “worry” about taxes this year.

    when they suggested playing scrabble i thought that i should have asked for one of those flat plasma tv’s earlier cuz i could sure use one a them.

    but since they wouldn’t let me continue to negotiate the purse, i went back to the demands of my rider.

    and i only want to see Black people at the white house. as many as you’ve got.

    and i want the pool to be like 95 degrees, and i want ac/dc playing on the stereos, and i want to see whatever files you have on the hilton sisters.

    i love those girls.

    then one of them started asking me about raymi and i said i didn’t know anything about her.

    they asked if i knew her real name, and i said yes.

    then they said, see you know stuff about her.

    then they asked for me to tell them her name and i told them i wouldn’t.

    then they asked me if i knew her address.

    i told them that i knew her old address.

    then they said that she was hot and they wanted to get her phone number.

    then one of them asked another one of them if they’d ever kissed a canadian girl, and one of them said that they had and the other said that he hadn’t. then a third said that he thinks so. then he realized that he really didn’t, she was from nebraska.

    then they asked me if i had kissed a canadian girl and i thought about it for a little while

    if i was a computer i would have had an hourglass over my head

    and then i said

    no.

    no i hadn’t kissed a canadian girl.

    and then i really didn’t want to play any damn scrabble.

    american protester girl gets killed by a tractor that’s about to tear down a house