early this morning asking me what he should say in his big speech tonight.
i said, say youre resigning.
then he said, no, quit kidding around, seriously what should i say?
i said, say saddam is a liar liar and soon his pants will be on fire.
for some reason he didnt think i was kidding around on that one because he said thank you and hung up.
i went back to bed.
i listened to howard stern for a little while and passed out.
then the phone rang again. it was the president.
he said that he was told that he couldnt use my line.
so i said, who’s wearing the pants in that house?
he paused and asked, i am?
i said, thats right, and if you want to say saddam is a liar and soon his pants will be on fire, you can.
he agreed, but apparently who ever was listening in on the extension shook their head no and he said, please lets try another tact.
i said tact?
he said, yeah.
i said, ok, say that the reason that gas prices are way up right now is because Iraq is a much more powerful nation than they appear. say that just like they control oil prices in california, they control the tea prices in china, and they are hugely responsible for the activities surrounding the attacks of 9/11 just like the saudis.
i could hear him writing because he talked while he wrote.
… just like the saudis. ok good, now what? oh wait. we cant say anything about the saudis.
why not? i asked.
he said, i dont know, but theres a big note pinned to my jacket that says, dont talk about the saudis. i keep forgetting.
so i said, just say that iraq is bad and america is good and even though saddam said on 60 minutes that he wanted to talk live on tv that he’s really a liar and his nose is gonna grow and all he’s trying to do is stall so that we accidently shoot ourselves as we’re accumulating troops in the persian gulf. and he’s stalling so he can make new bombs to blow us all to hell.
there was a pause and he asked me for another word for hell.
and i said hell is exactly the place that the enemies of america want us to be blown to. the polls say that if you ran for re-election right now you’d lose, which makes sense cuz you lost the first time, and i wouldnt vote for a man who allowed himself to get talked out of saying hell when he meant hell.
the president seemed sad. he said, you wouldnt vote for me?
i said, a real president would say “blow us all to shit.” hell is a more reasonable alternative, and anyway if you say hell people will start believing the seriousness of this fucked up shit.
then the president said that it wasnt really all that fucked up because his business partners and his family were back to making a shitload of money selling oil with a little less competition. he said that gas prices havent been this high since right after he took office when he raised it to make good on election promises that he made with his kin.
then the phone was yanked from his hand and a woman said that they would paypal me $10 for the car fund, and they all hung up.