1. Tuesday, March 4, 2003

    would i like to date chloe sevigny? 

    yes. would i like courtside knicks seats? yes.

    would i like for her to wear knee highs on our date courtside at madison square garden?

    yes, please.

    be careful what you dream for, dreamers.

    got home late tonight after an afternoon of eating king cake cuz it was mardi gras to five messages on my machine.

    called back my buddy ray who told me about this chick he met at deep.

    deep is the trendy club on the corner of hollywood and vine.

    first i said, what the hell were you doing at deep?

    he said, never mind, i met this chick who was super hot.

    i asked him if she was asian. ray loves asian girls.

    he said yes. then he asked me to stop interrupting him.

    then he told me that he talked to her for a while at the club, got her number and then started calling her, and they talked every day for a week, but hadnt yet gotten a date together because she lives in san diego.

    so tony, she says to me, i wanna do x with you on our first date. it would break the ice.

    i said, yeah, i bet x would break the ice.

    he said, but i dont want to do x with her on the first date, i just want to hang out with her and maybe make out a little and thats it.

    i said, then do that.

    he said, but how great would doing x on a first date would be with a girl like her!

    ray’s as old as i am. old. so i said, dude, you dont need any x to have a great time with that girl. just being on a date with a new person should be fun.

    he said, yeah, it will be fun, whenever it happens. but still, how much more fun would it be like how she proposed.

    then i talked to another friend who called me to ask me if his landlord could ask him to remove his satellite dish from his front porch, even though its been there for years.

    i told him that i wasnt any damn lawyer.

    then i saw latoya jackson on larry king.

    then i wrote this to procrastinate.

    then i saw fred durst on howard stern talking about how he really did have sex with brittany spears.

    then i called ray back and i said we should only be dating girls that make us feel as crazy inside as britney made fred feel.

    he asked, how crazy did britney make fred feel?

    i said, crazy enough to get on tv and say, i swear to you all i did her, and i totally miss her.

    last day of my life