busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 30, 2003

    the auction ended last night 

    for the who will get to be linked on the busblog for a month.

    i am happy to report that the winner is Allan Karl of the for the sake of clarity – The Digital Tavern. congratulations Allan, and please, everyone go to his site and reward him with your attention.

    ah, ebay auctions. i love them. this auction went on for a week which i think is enough time to scientifically study the value of a link from my page. My man Ric from Bitchen took the bidding to a respectable $20, and for that i think you. thank you Ric.

    a friend said that i should allow those who bid to get linked at thier highest bid, but since that goes against eBay’s policies i wont abuse their auction.

    even though their stock continues to soar.

    even though they wont let people auction things like offensive tshirts, and individual playboy mags, or things like wisdom teeth.

    i was fortunate enough to meet the winner of this auction as i slurped down my pre Live from the Blogosphere panel discussion that i was lucky enough to be part of.

    i believe we both enjoyed the house favorite Slippery Shrimp at Yang Chow in Chinatown, a restaurant i need to re-vist, and a dish that i highly recommend.

    so many good things came out of that Blogosphere event. thank you Xeni and Reverse Cowgirl for inviting me.

    and thank you all you nice people who i met there.

    especially the young ladies who flooded me with little notes with their phone numbers scribbled on.

    the bat signal just was illuminated.

    back to work.

    for the sake of clarity

  2. god damn you half japanese girls 

    you do it to me every time.

    carlisa from pink cookies came over last night to watch the laker game with me, and eat pizza and drink beer and talk about, shit what did we talk about?

    why am i bombarded with the coolest people to hang out with?

    why do i get the best readers on the web?

    why did the good people of Google slash Blogger send me a care package of love which i appreciate so much you dont even know?

    why do barely legal girls continue to call me and chat with me and stalk me even though they have boyfriends and lives and new cars and development deals?

    i dont understand any of this, america.

    is it a test? are the angels and saints of heaven testing me to see if i will change if im surrounded by the incredibly cool, if it will get to my head, if i will start to think that i actually had anything to do with any of this.

    its a little scary because in the dreamworld of college that i was blessed to attend, one of the lessons of good storytelling is to create a character, bestow unto this person all these great things, and then pull the carpet out from underneath him and ruin his life. tragedy. Job. mike tyson. oj simpson. etoys stock holders.

    carlisa is the shit. shes sharp as a tack, has always had the best style. im dying to play her one on one cuz she had a hoops scholarship for college and im dying to see how my skillz match up with her.

    i was the starting point gaurd on the jv team in highschool. oh yeah.

    we were supposed to talk about tshirt ideas but instead we watched howard stern reruns and the laker game. how much better does that get?

    carlisa is like many native los angelinos that i have had the pleasure of knowing: super mellow, super smart, totally well balanced and chill.

    its almost as if theyve seen it all and instead of becoming negative and jaded about it, theyve bottled it all and turned it into some crazy wisdom and a wild independence.

    welch and the whalens have this. i think it’s awesome.

    anyways, thanks great pumpkin for surrounding me with these badass souls. it blows me away just about every day.

    long live blogger.

    pink cookies + ev + jason + shellen

  3. Tuesday, April 29, 2003

    dear gay, bi, lesbian, and transgendered readers of the busblog 

    hello, my name is tony, i write little jokes.

    i have no hatred for any of you, infact i love you all. not because im enlightened or open-minded, but because im lazy, and its easier for me to accept foreign behavoirs than it is for me to hate them.

    i lived in san francisco for many years. now i live in hollywood. hard to throw a rotten egg out a window without hitting a gay in either of those towns.

    i also wrote for a college newspaper where the boys liked to kiss one another to freak everyone out. only defense for such an action was to kiss them back with more tounge. strangely, the womenfolk were amused by this behavoir, and maybe a little turned on. also amused (but not turned on) was the California Intercollegiate Press Association who hosted the college journalism awards that we won annually, in dresses.

    with that said, it’s safe to say that im not a homophobe.

    additionally, it is my belief that people should find love wherever possible.

    me, i love to write. i love to experiment with language. i love to play around with ideas and concepts and slang, and hot buttons.

    in 2003 you wont see an LA Times columnist say that something is “gay.” Even if something is blatantly gay, you wont read a writer write it.

    i think thats fucked up.

    similarilly you wont see a writer say that somethings fucked up.

    theres a problem there. we have a problem with language and communication. we are so politically correct these days we’ve painted ourselves into a corner where everyone is a victim to anything that comes out of anyone else’s mouth.

    when i see things that are fucked up or gay and i dont write it down and present it to you, im not doing my job as a popular blogger.

    now, for all the racist, sexist, homophobe motherfuckers out there: hi, my name is tony. please stop being ignorant.

    please stop being violent to people different than you.

    please stop acting in such a way that people wont let me say that something is gay when i want to say something is gay.

    cuz its all gay.

    weisblogg + totally awesome

  4. all this politically correct bullshit, is so gay 

    and it’s so nineties.

    tonight the lakers are playing. a super hot chick is coming over to eat thai food with me and watch it with me.

    this morning an electrician came over to “test” the new electric box they installed the other day.

    who the fuck checks shit like that at 8am?

    so gay.

    what if i was sleeping? what if i was writing? what if i was taking care of business in some way?

    what if i was making coffee for the second hottest chick i ever met and i dont even know how to make coffee but im trying to impress her scandinavian bruised ass?

    dude knocked on my door and asked me to turn on the porch light so he could see if he was switching off my lights, so he could mark it on the box.

    i said fine and laughed.

    chick told me that i laugh at everything. that everything is a joke to me. she said i reminded her of the black cosby-ish doctor on the simpsons.

    i told her that my coworker said that i was not enough of a disgruntled employee at work.

    i told her that he called me far too gruntled, as a matter of fact.

    then my porch light when out and i yelled at the dude and he said thanks.

    then the toast popped up and she drove me to work.

    we got caught in traffic and some asshole started honking at the traffic.

    totally gay.

    i heart kate + true boy rocks + happy birthday katie’s boyfriend

  5. today is the last day 

    of the i will link you on my blog auction.

    the winner will have his or her blog or web site linked in the upper left where you see “no creativity”‘s link for the entire month of may.

    if the winner does not have a blog or web site, and would like me to link something else, i will be happy to do so.

    i dont care what it is.

    how bad could it be?

    if it was really terrible would it be a bad reflection on me? of course not.

    similarilly, if it was a super cool blog or website, then people shouldnt look at me in a more positive light. but if you must…

    as i lay my head down to sleep tonight, i see the bidding has reached $36. let me say that im impressed.

    thats a little more than a twelve pack of mgd, i dont care how bad your local liquor store is ripping you off.

    $36 is mighty close, however to the cost of an LA Metro bus pass, which is funny, because i have kicked around the idea of scanning my bus pass at the begining of the month and if anyone wanted to flow the $42, that they’d be linked for a month underneath the picture of the bus pass.

    am i making any sense?

    its nearly one am. my phone has been ringing off the hook. ive been watching my new favorite show on tivo, mr. personality.

    this guy got lewinskied in the mens room by a hula girl and the next day monica herself wanted to judge him for the sole act that she is infamous for.

    but oh to only be judged on personality and the opportunity to make a move in a dark basement with a hot bikini girl.

    how far would you go?

    of course you kiss her, duh, but what do you whisper afterwards.

    id whisper, squeeze my arm if you want more

    dirty girl

    exhibitionist

    best thing about these shows is its a bright light on the sad fact that there are very few good guys out there, which makes balding busriding ebayers like me a little more comfortable in our mediocraty.

    i read a lot of good blogs today, and one spoke of the possibility of throwing a makeout party, and i say throw it.

    if only to give some budding romeo the chance to introduce himself to three blushing girls next to the record player so he can say and i will before the night ends make out with you and you and you

    so get ready.

    your favorite sorority girl + best redesign + not a slut + full of nothing + nobody

  6. Monday, April 28, 2003

    even though im a born again, 

    and even though im a Christian minister, and even though im from chicago, im not homophobic.

    but i do know when people are acting gay, and im not ashamed to call someone on it.

    men do not discuss the sexiness of another man when discussing sports.

    if they do, they are acting gay.

    that is different than being gay.

    there is a lot to talk about when discussing professional sports. the shape of the pitchers leg, in an amorous way, is not acceptable. under any circumstance.

    even though the Bible is against same-sex love, i am not against it. in fact it’s one of the ver few lines in the Bible that i have questions about, and confusion.

    but i am not confused about what should not be bandied about when bsing about baseball.

    girls have it easier. girls can talk about girls. girls can say that girls have cute outfits, how they look good, how their asses look good in clothes, etc.

    men may think these thoughts, but if we say them, we are acting gay. and even though there is something fundementally wrong about this, too bad, its the cross we have to bear. in return we get to piss standing up.

    similarilly we dont talk about ball players’ buttocks, hairstyles, moustashes, muscles, pearly white teeth, cold blue eyes, upper body, lower body, bellies, voices, or lips.

    we can talk about batting stances.

    we can say mo vaughn has a big fat ass. but youre best bet is just to allow the obvious stay that way.

    when in doubt do what harry carey would do.

    harry wouldnt talk about mark prior’s legs, or mo vaughn’s ass, he would see a pretty woman and say, “miss chicago is in attendence today i see.”

    thats not gay.

    i say this, of course, on a blog, on the internet.

    gayest fucking thing ever.

    nina + que sera sera + sane libs + id go with her

  7. lest anyone be confused 

    im feeling on top of the world. maybe its due in part to the girl next door and my drunken exploits on friday.

    maybe its due in part to the dustiny thats going on on the northside of chicago.

    maybe its due in part to all the nice comments that people leave me here day after day after day rooting me on as if i was a marathoner which i am running one legged like a do cursing all the way like im apt to.

    maybe its just over due.

    hot babe came over the other day wearing some sweet shoes, so dazzling that i sorta wish i had a fetish.

    like most people i have my fetishes. i have a hand holding fetish. i have a fetish for girls with really high voices and sorta sultry low ones. i like accents too. is that a fetish?

    i dont think i have any damn fetishes.

    i dated a girl in college who only wore catholic girl skirts when she’d come over to my house. i gave that girl anything she wanted. she wanted me to take her virginity though, and i wouldnt do that. i still think you should love the person you do that with and i barely knew her.

    all i knew was she knew what i liked and she wanted to get rid of it and she thought that i was the best man for the job and once again someone was wrong about me.

    but not by too much.

    i have a fetish for smart girls. i knew this girl who would talk to me about how she was upgrading her computer and it got me crazy.

    i think im just crazy.

    i know im crazy.

    i want to be crazy.

    all these people are talking about how great coachella was, im crazy to have missed it.

    sevenblock + mouche + mcblogger

  8. sometimes i get the sweetest email. 

    voici:

    i read your blog and the desire to become utterly fearless in my own writing is magnified 1000x.

    baby, im so not fearless. if i was i wouldn’t have to cower behind the nothing in this is true malarkey.

    everything in this is true, sadly, but what is left out is even truer.

    utterly fearless is a phrase ive never known. even in my best secret blog i held back because i knew one day i would show it to the person i was writing it to and she’d see me for the phoney bologna that i am.

    if i was smart i would just switch over to a different url like renee’ did this weekend. but then again im not hot blonde and the most talented sixteen year old in america. shit, im nearly four times her age.

    if i was fearless id tell you my age)

    this having a blog on a site with your real name on it is for the birds when it comes to being fearless.

    if i was fearless i would interview my dick more.

    hi lil tone

    hi

    whats up?

    ha ha, funny, i get it. why don’t you shut your pie hole and bring back ashley.

    now you know why i don’t interview my dick.

    problem with believing in possibilities is that i have the faintest hope that somewhere someone in a powerful position might want to actually hire me one day to do something like this for their media conglomerate and if they saw busblog uncensored their mind would be blown and they wouldn’t want to even consider sending me an email, let alone hiring me.

    if i was fearless i would have about a thousand resumes out there in the world. i would actually send a formal request to the la times. i would actually try to write in a way that is printable for public consumption.

    even though reality tv has been allowed to break the rules of prime time tv.

    even though the white stripes has been allowed to break the rules of pop music.

    even though Chicago has been allowed and rewarded in breaking the rules of making movies.

    even though the president of the united states breaks so many rules every week that he’s ten times more punk rock than any real punk rockers ever were.

    if i was fearless, dear reader, i would write about politics in an incendiary way so venomous… if i was fearless, i would cover sports.

    if i was fearless i would have a girlfriend by now.

    if i was fearless i would have remained a poet.

    if i was fearless i would be a preacher.

    if i was fearless there would be a 21 year old blonde girl’s name next to mine on the mailbox.

    if i was fearless this shit would sizzle, daily.

    chuck olsen has a white stripes / conan segment + beck’s blog + amy’s blog + mc brown’s photo journal from coachella

  9. Sunday, April 27, 2003

    as much as i like the laker girls, 

    is it really okay to let them rollerskate all over the playoff floor at the staples center?

    i want to chat with two girls tonight, but neither know that i want to chat with them. so hows that supposed to work out?

    got motivated and cleaned the pad pretty well today. sometimes that will happen to me on a sunday. good thing, too, because karisa has two friends in from out of town and they might stop by after eating at pf changs and drinking at the rainbow.

    the xbi had an independent company come in on friday and talk to some of us.

    one of the questions was what do you like most about your job.

    i said lack of paperwork.

    i dont have to do reports, i dont have to do research, i dont have to do any damn projects, as long as i dont think about my work i dont “take it home” with me.

    i just show up, strap on the helmet, and aim at the criminal element.

    the interviewer said that she found that suprising because she was told that i was a writer and she would have thought that i would like doing reports and projects but i told her it wasnt true. i had done projects and written things for work in the past, at other jobs, and most of the people who read them didnt understand or like them, which can be disappointing when you put your heart into something.

    the survey asked about vacation days, and sick days, and personal days, and the food in the break room, and health benefits, and spending plans, and i told them that none of that shit interested me.

    i told them that i liked to work and when companies put the right people in the right jobs you dont have to spend so much time and money in all that bullshit, but the problem is companies put people who arent great in positions and then get stubborn about moving them into the right places once they get to know them.

    you can have a perfectly good guy working in one cubicle for one department, but he’s not so great at that job. and you can have another guy in a cubicle right next to the first guy, and that guy isnt doing so good at his job either.

    and in any other galaxy they would just swap the two and see if it works, and odds are it would work, but on this planet there are reviews, and write ups, and people making stuff up, and feelings getting hurt, and talking behind peoples backs and all this crapola, and then there needs to be resumes printed, and interviews and meetings.

    its exhausting just to think about.

    me and my last girlfriend would work out our problems naked on a sunday night like tonight in our bed of love and still sometimes we couldnt work everything out.

    and thats two people who truly love each other.

    the interviewer asked me what my point was.

    i told her that when you are doing things right, and you have the right person in the right place, they dont need a bunch of sick days, they just need a boss who is cool when the person tells them that hes sick.

    she said life isnt like that.

    i said i know.

    she said, do you think youre right for the xbi?

    i said, ask chopper one.

    bunsen + steve + jennifer + litwack